by Martha Long
‘It’s four stops before our old one,’ they said. Looking very small and tired now. The pair of them looking lost. They look so rundown and neglected, and they’re only little. Jesus! Teddy and Harry are too small for this, far too little to be running around wild.
‘Ma, fuck yeh!’ I muttered to meself, going over to talk to the bus conductor. Then waiting, seeing him lift his left leg, dropping himself against the wall, letting the wall take the weight of him. I watched him light up a cigarette, then went over to him. ‘Are you going to be the conductor on this bus out to Finglas?’
‘Yeah, she’ll be going out in five minutes,’ he said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette, and holding his breath, letting the smoke go down into his lungs. Then letting it out slowly, lifting his head back to watch the smoke going up into the air.
‘Listen! Do you see the two little fellas there sitting on the long seat just inside the door?’ I said, pointing at Teddy and Harry watching me out the window. ‘Will you make sure they get off at the right stop?’ Then I gave him the name of the stop. ‘Don’t let them off before that. Keep your eye on them. They’re a pair of ramblers! Do yeh know what I mean?’
‘Yeh mean they were mitching from school today?’ he said, holding the cigarette halfway to his mouth.
‘Yeah! Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean. I want them to get home in one piece.’
‘Right, you needn’t worry yourself any further. I’ll take care of them. Don’t you worry! I’ll keep me eye on them like a hawk,’ he said, leaning around me to get a better look at Teddy and Harry watching us out the window. ‘Ah, they’ll be all right. I’ll make sure they get off at their own stop!’
‘Oh, thanks very much, mister! That’s very good of you,’ I said happily, me heart lifting, knowing they would get home.
‘Now, eat your sweets and be good for me. The bus man is going to keep his eye on the pair of you to make sure you don’t get off at the wrong stop.’
‘But we don’t need tha! We know our own ways home! Don’t we, Harry?’ Teddy said, screwing his face up at the thought I was treating them like babies.
‘Yeah, course you do. But I don’t trust anyone else! You’re not the problem. Someone else might be watching yeh. You are too young to know the world and its ways. That’s why you have to promise me you won’t run off again. It’s very dangerous! Do you want me worrying about youse and having me hair turning grey before me time?’
‘No,’ they laughed, not used to the idea of having people fussing over them so much!
‘Well, give us a kiss and a hug! The bus is going to be going any minute now!’ I wrapped me arms around Teddy, feeling his skinny little frame with the ribs not having a bit of flesh on them. ‘You two mean the whole world to me. Just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you or I don’t care! I’ll always be your big sister, and I’ll always look out for the lot of yehs. Tell Charlie I hope I run into him one of these days. I’m going to be looking out for him. Will yehs tell him that when yeh see him?’ I said, looking at them and grabbing Harry in a bear’s hug and kissing the face off him. I could smell the dirty, manky clothes off them. Jesus! The ma hasn’t washed them rags since the day she put them on the poor kids. Me heart bled, looking at the state of them, with the little white faces half-starved, and the eyes looking huge. Hanging outa their heads from years of neglect and the fear and worry of living with them two fucking good-for-nothing bastards. There’s times when I hate that ma. She does fuck-all to help the kids.
‘Right, we’re moving off,’ the conductor said, jumping on the platform and steadying the money bag around his neck. Holding his hand on the bell ready to give it a whack.
‘Right! Be good! Go straight home,’ I said in a panic. Looking at the two of them staring at him, the pain and fear in their faces at the thought of me going away without them. I couldn’t think of anything else to warn them about, or how much they meant to me. I had to get off the bus. ‘Goodbye now! Straight home!’ I shouted as the bus moved off. I saw them jumping up on the seat to wave at me, the pair of them pressing their heads to the window, trying to keep me in their sights as the bus moved up Parnell Street.
I stopped looking and waving when the bus turned left at the top of the road, heading up through Gardiner Street making its way out to Finglas. I turned slowly, looking down across O’Connell Street towards Capel Street, feeling a terrible sense of loss. I feel completely empty inside meself and cold. Me vision was blurred and I could barely make out the people and the traffic all around me. The noise seemed very far away. I suddenly felt I had been part of a different world for a few hours. I was a part of me own family. Me brothers! Then it was gone, just like that. I was on me own again, but not on me own. Jackser and the ma was back in me life. Just a bus away! It made me feel like I had never escaped.
I walked on, wanting to get somewhere. Away from them bastards. The ma and Jackser. Feeling a slow burning rage with the thought the boys were going to end up getting killed or something terrible was going to happen to them.
And Charlie! Where the hell is he? I have to find him! But then what? What can I do with him? How would I be able to keep him with me working in the shop? He would have to go to school. On top of that, if I start taking meself out to Finglas, what good would that do? There’s nothing can be done to help the ma. She doesn’t want to change anything. She would only be happy with me giving her money. Fucking Jaysus Christ! There’s nothing I can do. I would change nothing, and instead end up in the clutches of that aul fella again. No, Martha! Keep well away from them bastards. I would only end up destroying meself. Right, leave it be. Maybe I could talk to Sister Eleanor about it. If she could take them into the convent. Yeah, I’ll give her a ring. Right, I’m going to do that straight this minute.
I made me way down O’Connell Street and into the General Post Office. I need tuppence for the telephone. How much have I got left? Jaysus! Ten shillings! I looked at the ten-bob note, and one shilling and sixpence left. That’s all I have left outa the four pounds I had. Jaysus! It didn’t take me long to get rid of that money. Still, it was money well spent. Teddy and Harry were delighted to be eating in that café, and the ma needs the money for the children.
OK, I better watch me money carefully from now on. Thank God I still have all me savings left. I have a whole ten pounds saved up, hidden in me suitcase. That’s including the double money Greg gave me as a going-away present. Instead of the two-pound ten shillings they owed me, he handed me a whole five-pound note. I was gobsmacked. Some people are very good. They certainly were. I still miss them!
So, anyway. I’m doing grand. That should keep me going if anything ever happened. Now I know why it’s always good to save me money. It means I’ll never be stuck if I end up out of a job and need to find somewhere to live. As the ma used to always say, you can eat and drink on the streets, but you can’t sleep on them! Fuck that! No, I had enough of that as a little child. Look what happened to her! She ended up with that fucking Jackser because of that. Not me. Not on yer nelly!
OK, I only need two pennies for the phone. I looked around, wondering who I could ask for change of a sixpence, and went over to the counter. ‘Will you give us change for the phone out of that sixpence, mister?’
‘Do yeh want all pennies?’
‘Eh, yeah, I might want it for the bus fare.’
I went into the phone box and shut the door. I knew the number off by heart and dialled it after putting the money in the box and waiting for it to ring. I held me finger on the A button, ready to answer, then looked at the B button. ‘I hope this box gives me back me money if I don’t get through. Some of them bleedin boxes rob yer money!’ I snorted to meself.
‘Hello, Holy Redeemer Convent!’ I heard a squeaky voice say, then hold her breath.
‘Yes, I would like to speak to Sister Eleanor, please.’
‘Who is it? She’s not available at the present moment,’ a young one’s voice squeaked down the phone, trying to be p
osh.
‘Where is she then, please?’ I said in me best voice.
‘Who’s this?’
‘One of the girls,’ I said. ‘Where’s Sister Eleanor?’
‘Who’s that?’ she roared.
‘Jaysus! Will you hurry and get her? I might be cut off. It’s me. Martha Long!’
‘Oh, how’re yeh, Martha? What are you doing? Are you working?’
‘Yeah, I am. Now, listen. Who’s that?’
‘It’s me! Remember me? Sofie, from the middle group.’
‘Oh, yeah! Listen, Sofie, where’s Eleanor?’
‘Oh, her! She’s gone off on her retreat.’
‘Ah, Jaysus! When will she be back?’
‘Not until next week. My nun is in charge of your old group. Do you want to talk to her?’
‘No,’ I said, me heart sinking down into me belly button at the terrible loss of her not being around when I wanted her. ‘OK, thanks,’ I said, feeling weak with the disappointment.
‘OK, bye!’ Sofie roared down the phone.
‘Bye,’ I said, putting down the phone and making me way out into the crowds now rushing home from work.
The noise of the traffic hit me straight away. I barely knew where I was for a minute. Not being able to take anything in. Jaysus! She’s gone away. I really feel empty. I don’t know anyone, and I have nowhere else I could go to talk to someone about what to do. I feel sick at the thought of the poor children. If only I knew what to do! I thought Sister Eleanor might be able to take them into the convent. So that’s the end of her! She’s gone away. What will I do? Ah, to hell with it. I’ll go over to Caffola’s and buy meself a white cup of coffee and sit there in the comfort of the bit of heat, and maybe somebody might put sixpence in the juke box and I can listen to a bit of music. Some hope! That very seldom happens. Sixpence is too much money for people to be wasting on bleedin juke boxes.
I made me way across Nelson’s Pillar and walked into Caffola’s. Most of the seats were full. Then a country woman stood up, and the husband came back from paying the bill, and I dived on the seat. Getting meself a table right by the window. Now I can sit and stare out at the passing traffic and people for hours. I am not in any hurry, there’s no one waiting for me. Me time is me own. So, thank God for that. I can please meself. If only I could have the kids with me!
Yer bleedin mad, Martha. Stop the nonsense. There’s fuck-all you can do. Jackser and even the ma would kill you first. They need them children to get the social welfare and everything else they can get! The convent in its own way is not the answer. They might do more harm than good. The children might fret. Them little bastards in the convent would bully them, the clannish little fuckers! I could take it, but the poor little children couldn’t. They might even end up getting split up. Sent off to different homes! So, it looks like their suffering will go on for another while, until they are old enough to leave. Judging by the look of things, they are already doing that!
Jesus! Please take care of my little brothers and sister. Especially Charlie! He’s now on his own, by the way things are going. What age would he be now? Eleven. Jaysus! He won’t find the time flying until he can start getting himself a job just like me. I wish I could see him. No, I can’t go out to bleedin Finglas looking for him. That would bring me into dangerous territory! I don’t want to get caught by that bastard Jackser on his own home ground. That would really be looking for trouble. No, he would only come after me. It would only draw his attention onto me. He’d probably think I am interfering in his business. He knows now where he stands with me. Ever since I wouldn’t leave the convent for him. So, as far as he is concerned, I’m his number-one enemy!
Right! So, I’m keeping well away from his territory. No, I have to watch meself. I’m not home and dry yet as far as that bastard is concerned. He could still come looking for me. Start hounding me the way he hounded the ma when she tried to escape him. Searching the streets night and day, looking for her. Dublin is a very small place.
Oh, Jesus! I gave an almighty shiver, with the sudden cold fear running through me, making me see stars and everything turn black, at the thought of having him come after me. I would have to run to England. Or, God forbid, kill the bastard! No matter what it took and I know I would! He is never getting the better of me again. I am a match for him.
I felt meself gritting me teeth. A rush of rage flying through me. The picture of me ma letting him get away with murder. It made me want to crucify the bastard, nice and slowly. Watching the fear in his eyes and the thought that it was a woman doing it to him. Yeah, he better not ever cross me. I’m no Sally!
I blinked, shaking me head to clear the terrible picture of getting involved with them all over again, wanting to put them clean out of me mind. I stared out at the passing traffic. It’s easing off now. I could see people starting to congregate outside the GPO across the road. Fellas and girls lined themselves up outside the big building of the post office, waiting for their dates to turn up. Gawd! I’d love to be standing over there now waiting for a lovely fella to come and take me out. Probably to the pictures, then back here for a plate of fish and chips. He would have to be really nice. Definitely have a good job and be very respectable. Yeah, someone who dressed nice and spoke lovely. Imagine that. Or me turn up and he’s waiting for me. Yeah! It will come, everything takes time.
The door pushed open and an icy-cold wind blew in with two girls laughing their heads off. ‘Blind date, me eye! Did you see the cut of him?’ roared a young one. Wearing a midi-long black coat with a belt tied around, and tight white-leather boots that clung to her legs. I looked up at her hairstyle. It was back-combed, going nearly two inches inta the air, looking like a bird’s nest. She had gathered the hair up, pinning it in place with loads a clips. I stared with me mouth open at her false eyelashes, flapping against her eyebrows they were so long. She had half a box of blue eyeshadow on her eyebrows and one was smudged with black eyeliner! The pink lipstick was smudged on her front teeth. Jaysus! She looks a holy show, I thought, staring at her with me mouth open.
‘That was your fella!’ the other one said, wearing a Mary Quant look, with the wide tent frock, looking like she was expecting. And red boots the same as her friend with a trench coat like mine. It didn’t suit her, with the big fat legs and the massive chest! Her hair was cut in a page boy, and she wore false eyelashes and thick eyeliner, curling up at the edges, heading for her ears. One side is longer then the other, I thought, turning me head to look after them.
‘Jaysus! I wouldn’t be seen in a dead fit goin out with the likes a them. Your fella was covered in boils!’ roared the bird’s nest.
‘Yeah, but it was only a date, for Jaysus sake! We weren’t expected teh marry them!’ the page-boy one roared.
‘Well, we left them standin there,’ the bird’s-nest one said. Sounding a bit down at the loss of the fellas. ‘Jaysus! I wonder if they’re still waitin for us teh turn up?’ she said, with her eyes widening and a laugh spreading across her face.
‘Gawd! Oh, Mammy! Do yeh know wha just came inta me head?’ the page-boy one suddenly said. Letting the eyes hang outa her head in sudden shock, and putting her hand over her mouth. ‘I hadn’t thought a this. It just struck me this minute.’
‘Wha? No, wha? Tell us!’ the bird’s nest said. Staring at your woman with her mouth hanging open, waiting for page-boy to get over her shock.
‘Yer man will get me tomorra when I turn up for work. An your fella is his best pal! Jaysus! There’s goin teh be ructions for us after makin the fool outa them.’ There was silence for a minute, while the two of them stood there staring at each other, thinking about this. Then they suddenly threw back their heads and screamed with the laughing, slapping and falling against each other, getting hysterical. Then they staggered their way over to a seat at the back of the café, and collapsed into it, still laughing their heads off.
I took in a big sigh, looking back out onto the street to see what was happening. The street lights were on,
and all the buildings had lights blazing against the darkness outside. People were hurrying past, with their shoulders hunched, and their heads stuck inside their coats, against the icy-cold wind blowing up from the Liffey. I looked at their faces, seeing them throw their eyes into the warmth of the café, hesitate for a second, then face their head, set for home. Hurrying on, wanting to get home in a hurry. In safe, out of the treachery of the cold, dark January night.
‘I should think about moving,’ I muttered to meself, having no intention of moving just yet out into the cold. The bright lights in here, and the lovely heat, with the murmuring of the voices of the two waitresses, standing at the counter staring out into the night, like they were miles away, tired after running on their feet all day, was sending me off inta a doze. I’m content to just sit here and be with all the other people doing the same. A lot of people were sitting on their own. Just staring out, lost in their own thoughts. No one in a hurry anywhere. Not wanting to leave the comfort of the place, enjoying being a part of people, even if you were not with anyone.
Suddenly, music rose up, and I turned me head, seeing the bird’s nest singing along quietly with the song, while page-boy tapped her fingers and shook her head up and down in time to the music. ‘Gene Pitney! Oh, I love him, I do! I can’t get enough of him,’ moaned the bird’s nest, closing her eyes and dropping her head back on her shoulders. Looking like she was crying and singing mournfully.
‘AND THEN SOMEHOW BACKSTAGE I’MMM . . . LOHONEH- LEEEE!’ The singer’s voice rose. I listened, holding me breath. Gawd, he has a powerful voice! The music made me heart rattle inside me chest. He was singing like he was crying with the pain of loneliness. It made me feel like I wasn’t the only one feeling like that! Him and me. We feel the same. Somehow it made me feel better. I knew what was wrong with me, and I wasn’t alone.