by Claire Adams
The doorbell rang.
I jumped, startled. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and went over to the intercom.
“Who is it?” I said.
“It’s Ian.”
Shit. “Um . . . hold on one second.”
I tried to smooth my hair down and straighten my clothes out, which had twisted around me as I slept last night. Why was he here? My head throbbed as I found a pair of flip flops and slipped them on so I could go out and let him in.
I squinted against the harsh light that came pouring in behind him when I opened the door.
“Hey,” he said. “Am I . . . waking you up?”
“I slept in,” I said. “So, yeah. I should be getting up now anyway, though. What time is it?”
“It’s ten till one.”
“In the afternoon?”
He smiled. “Yeah. Hence the sunlight. Listen, I was out running a few errands and I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop by. And give you these.” It was only then that I realized he’d been holding one of his arms behind his back. He brought them arm forward, presenting me with a small bouquet of brightly colored flowers. Not roses, but something that looked like daisies, except instead of white they were brilliant shades of red, pink, and yellow.
“Oh,” I said, smiling. “Those are beautiful.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I saw them and I thought of you. I know I said I’d give you time to think about everything, and I’m still doing that—I just wanted to stop by and give these to you.”
I took the flowers from him, our fingertips brushing. “You can come in,” I said. “Just . . . give me a minute; I did just wake up.”
He followed me back into my apartment, and I was acutely aware of how disheveled and terrible I must look, but he didn’t seem bothered by it at all.
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “I should . . . go change.”
“You don’t have to,” he said. “You look beautiful just like that. And look, if you still need time to think about things, just tell me and I’ll go. I’m not trying to rush you or anything.” “I can’t ignore what I feel for you,” I said. “I don’t want to ignore it. I like this feeling. I like the way you make me feel, I like being around you, and I don’t want to have to stop that. Even though you having a baby with someone else wasn’t what I was really envisioning.”
A look of relief crossed his face. “Daisy,” he said. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. I know it’s asking a whole lot, too, to expect someone to get involved with you even when you’re going to have a kid with someone else. But I want you to know that Annie and I have talked about things, and yeah, eventually there will be a kid around some of the time, but that is not going to change the way I feel toward you.”
I thought about what Carl had said earlier, about trusting my feelings. I thought about how I’d felt around Billy, how I’d felt around Jonathan—two very nice guys that I enjoyed being around. But being with them paled in comparison to how it was when I was with Ian, and if I was to be honest about how I truly felt, he was the person I wanted to be with, and nothing else mattered.
We both smiled, and he cupped my chin in his hand, tilting my face toward his, then he leaned down and kissed me.
We spent the whole day together—what was left of it—and that night we went out to get burritos at a place in Cambridge that Ian liked. He couldn’t find a parking spot in front of my building, so we ended up having to park around the block, and when we rounded the corner and started walking toward my building, I saw him sitting there on the steps again.
“Shit,” I muttered. Ian looked at me.
“What?” he said, following my gaze. “You know him?”
But before I could answer, he was getting up and hurrying toward us. I could feel Ian’s energy change; the air suddenly seemed sharp, almost cold, although that was impossible—wasn’t it? It was the middle of summer. I glanced up at him and saw him staring intently at Noah.
“Daisy,” Noah said, shooting a wary look at Ian. “Who are you?”
“I’m Ian,” he said. He was several inches taller than Noah and outweighed him by at least twenty pounds. “Can we help you with something there, boss?”
“I was just waiting for you to get back,” Noah said, looking at me now. “I’ve been here for—”
“Do you want him waiting here for you?” Ian asked me.
“Noah,” I said. I no longer felt scared now that Ian was standing right there beside me, but I suddenly didn’t want anything bad to happen to Noah, either. “Noah, please, why don’t you just leave me alone? I’ve told you that I’m not interested. You’ve got to stop doing this.”
“Daisy, if we could just talk for a second—”
Ian let out a short, barking laugh. “I don’t think so.”
“I think that’s up for her to decide.”
“Yeah, and I think she’s already made it clear how she feels about it by asking you to leave her alone. She doesn’t want to talk to you; she doesn’t want you hanging around; she wants you to fuck off to wherever it is that you came from. Comprende? Now, I’m not the sort of person who likes to have to repeat myself, so if you are unable to get that message through your thick fucking skull, perhaps you need me to soften it up for you a bit first. And I’m referring to your skull, not the message. Daisy’s been far too nice with you as it is; I’m a lot less nice than she is. So about face, kid. Go find someone who’s interested.”
I could see Noah sizing up Ian, realizing that there was no way in hell he’d ever come out of any physical altercation with him on top. He gave me one last pleading look.
“Fine,” he said when I didn’t say anything. “I don’t know who you think you are, telling people how to live their lives,” he said as he started to walk away. “You don’t get to call the shots!” he shouted, right as he was about to disappear around the block.
Ian stared after him, jaw clenched.
“Come on,” he said after a minute, “let’s get inside.”
Inside, Ian paced in front of the window. “That’s unfuckingbelievable,” Ian said. “How often does he do that sort of thing? Why didn’t you tell me? He could be dangerous. He is clearly completely unstable. I should beat his fucking ass next time he comes around.”
“I think it’ll help that he saw us together,” I said. “I’ve been trying to tell him that there’s nothing going on between us and he just doesn’t seem to be able to get the idea through his head.”
Now, Ian turned. “Is there? Or was there?”
“What? Something going on between us? No! We got a smoothie together at the gym once. And it was awkward and weird, and I figured that we were both relieved when it was over and we could go our separate ways and not have to speak to each other again.”
I could tell he was trying to restrain himself. “How was it awkward and weird?”
“I don’t know, it just . . . was. Our conversation wasn’t in sync at all. There’d be these long silences, and then I’d start to say something right when he would, and then both of us would stop, waiting for the other to continue, and then there’d be another awkward silence, and then it would basically just continue like that, on this horrible cycle, until finally it was over. And that was it.”
“Really?” he asked. “That sounds terrible.”
“It was. I didn’t . . . I didn’t feel this connection with him the way I do with you. It’s one of those things that hard to describe, I guess, and maybe doesn’t even make sense if you’ve never felt it before. But beyond thinking you’re the most handsome guy that I’ve ever seen, I really feel like there is this connection there.”
My words seemed to have a calming effect on him, and he walked away from the window and came over, putting his arms around me. “I don’t want some creep out there, stalking you,” he said. “That’s not okay.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to get a couple of the guys from work out here.”
“You don’t n
eed to do that.” I started to say that Jonathan had already offered, but I stopped.
“I know I don’t need to, but I want to. At least until he gets the idea.”
He had a look on his face that told me no matter how much I argued it, his mind was made up. And there was a part of me that thought maybe it’d be a good thing, that maybe Noah would finally get the hint.
It felt like it’d been a little while since the last time I saw Caroline, so I texted her and asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” she said. “Even though I know it hasn’t been that long. How are you? How’s everything?”
“Things are good,” I said. “Really good, actually.”
She grinned. “I figured.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, well, I saw Billy here the other night. I’m so happy for you! He seems like such a great guy.”
I stared at her. “Huh? Billy? What are you talking about?”
She clapped her hand over her mouth. “Shit. Was I not supposed to say anything? He said that you guys had hung out the other night and that . . . well, obviously he hasn’t told you yet, so I don’t want to ruin the surprise. Let’s just say I’m really happy that you’re hanging out with him and not Ian!”
“What surprise?”
“I’m not going to tell you! He’ll be mad at me. He really is a riot.”
“No, Caro, you don’t understand—there’s nothing going on between me and Billy. What surprise are you talking about? What did he say he was going to do?”
“Is this just your sneaky way of getting me to tell you what it is? By playing dumb?”
“No—I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You haven’t been hanging out with Billy? I figured that’s why I haven’t seen you around as much.”
“Um . . . There was this one time we hung out because Ian was late meeting me. The time he told me about the other secretaries and stuff. That was it. And the time before with you.” I paused. “Oh wait. And another time, right after Ian told me about his previous secretary. I was a little upset.”
“Upset about what?”
I paused. Had I not told Caroline about that? “Did I not tell you?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Tell me what?”
“Uh . . .” Well, this certainly wouldn’t win him any points in her book. “He might have gotten his previous secretary pregnant.”
“Are you fucking kidding me.”
“No.”
“And you’re fine with this?”
“I’m not psyched about it, it’s not my first choice, but there’s nothing that I can do about it.”
Caroline shook her head. “Damn, girl, this is the sort of shit you’re supposed to run away from. Not run into the arms of. Billy is looking better and better by the second.”
“But I really don’t know why he’d be thinking there was something going on between us. I really don’t.”
I wracked my brain, trying to remember the particular details of that night. I hadn’t been in the best mood. I’d had a little too much to drink. Had I said something? Had I done something with him? No. I knew I hadn’t done anything—we hadn’t kissed or anything like that—but maybe he’d taken things the wrong way. I did accept that piggyback ride . . .
“Oh.” Caroline sat back in her chair, looking perplexed. “Maybe I misunderstood . . . I was a little buzzed when we started talking, to be honest, but he was definitely going on and on about you. He said that he was going to surprise you by flying you into Hyannis and then going to the beach house his family has in Wellfleet.”
“Ian and I are actually together,” I said. “I know you’re not going to be thrilled to hear that.”
“Wait—you’re seeing him again?” Caroline asked. “He’s not coming here now, is he?”
“No, he’s not, I thought we could use a little girl time, but I would really appreciate it if you would try to give him another chance.”
She gave me a skeptical look and didn’t say anything.
“Come on, Caro!” I said, laughing. “I’m just asking you to give him another chance, not peel your own fingernails off.”
“That might be more appealing, actually.”
“I would do it for you,” I said. “If I knew that you felt about some guy the way I feel about Ian, then I would certainly at least give him another chance for your sake.”
She threw up her hands. “Now you’re going to guilt trip me! Fine—I’ll give him another chance, but I really do think this is the worst idea in the world. Well, maybe second to worst. Probably the worst would be going out with Noah.”
“Oh yeah, speaking of Noah—he was there waiting for me when Ian and I were getting home and there ended up being this confrontation. Ian said he’s going to have a couple guys keep an eye out for me, just to make sure that Noah stays away.”
“Like, there’s going to be security guys following you around?”
“Sort of . . . It’s not going to be like I suddenly have this entourage or anything. They’ll be way more discreet. But that makes me feel a little better about it.”
“I can’t believe it’s gotten to the point that you need security guards. This whole thing is messed up. Don’t even get me started on the fact that you’re willingly choosing to get back with a guy who’s having a baby with someone else. I think that’s really the story here. There are sooooo many other guys out there, Daisy! You don’t have to do this.”
I knew that I didn’t have to do it—what Caroline didn’t realize was that I wanted to.
27.
Ian
It’d probably be fair to say that up until I met Daisy, I didn’t really have any idea about the notion of being in love. The idea of it still sort of freaked me out, but what other explanation was there for this excitement I felt whenever I was around her, or on my way to see her?
Before I’d stopped by her apartment a few days ago on Sunday to give her those flowers, I’d been hoping against hope that she’d be able to look past all the shit with Annie. I’d bought the flowers on a whim and had hoped she’d at least take them from me, though it wouldn’t have surprised me if she slammed the door in my face. But that hadn’t happened, and I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d felt more relieved about something. It surprised me, in a way, to be feeling this way to begin with, but I actually rather liked it.
At work though, it still made sense to keep things quiet, which really only enhanced the sexual tension between us. Just watching her from my desk as she went about whatever it was she was doing, only to have her look up and catch me made me want to pull her into my office and have her right there on my desk, door open for all to see, I didn’t care. Being in the office when she was there was a good exercise in restraint.
That Wednesday, though, I packed up my stuff on time and got ready to leave.
“You’re heading out?” Daisy asked.
“It’s Wednesday,” Jonathan said. “He’s got to go visit his stepfather.”
“Oh, that’s right. Could I come with you?”
“Uh, sure,” I said, because she’d caught me completely off guard. Why the hell did she want to come with me? Not that I wouldn’t mind her company, but it seemed like an odd request . . . until I remembered that she thought I was doing this because I actually cared about Pete. “It might not be the most exciting thing, but . . .”
“I bet it’ll be great,” she said. “Let me just run and use the bathroom.”
“I just talked to Dan,” Jonathan said, “and they’re down at the harbor, waiting for Martin and his group.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “I don’t anticipate there being any issues. Weren’t they planning on leaving earlier? I thought I heard something about early afternoon.”
“Yeah, but there was an issue at Logan, something about lost luggage. It’s getting sorted.”
“All right, I’m ready,” Daisy said when she returned.
“He had a stroke,” I said to Daisy as we walked into the facility. “So he can’t actually talk. As far as anyone knows, though, he understands things completely.”
“That must be so hard,” she said. “To lose your ability to speak but to still be able to hear and understand. I can’t even imagine.”
“Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to meet you. This is his room right here.” I paused before we went in. I hadn’t parked where I normally did; this time I parked in the visitors’ parking area, which wasn’t visible from Pete’s window. I cleared my throat before we went in.
“Hi there, Pete,” I said. “This might surprise you, but I’ve brought a visitor with me. I thought you might like to meet Daisy.”
She walked into the room, a smile on her face. She didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable, and I felt my skin start to crawl as she went over to his wheelchair. My instinct was to shield her from him, but what was he going to do? He couldn’t get up; he couldn’t even speak.
“Very nice to meet you,” she said, taking a seat across from him. “I’m Daisy. That was one of the first things I learned about Ian, that he had a stepfather that he came and still visited, which I thought was really great of him to do.”
Oh, Jesus. She continued to talk, and I tried to keep a straight face. It wasn’t that I was tempted to burst out laughing or anything—it was more like I wanted to cringe. Most people would have been somewhat uncomfortable at having to have a conversation with someone who couldn’t actually respond to what they were saying, but Daisy didn’t seem the list bit bothered. It would appear as though she had missed her calling as a nurse, or maybe a preschool teacher.