by Tijan
think it was a mug. God…” She chuckled. “He brought his own mug to a dinner party, and he still does! The same one. Don’t Worry, I Won’t Byte, it says. When we were in the bathroom, Jake said, “Don’t worry, I will byte.” And then he spelled out byte as we climaxed. Okay. Yeah, that was too much information. But I was laughing so hard.” She still was. After a moment she composed herself. “That’s when it happened. That’s when I fell hard for him. I just didn’t know it till later.”
“Well, that is a good story.” I had to give her that.
“Not too much information?”
“Oh no, definitely too much info, but it’s fine.” I was smiling like a dumbass, and I knew she was, too. Taffy nudged the back of my shoulder, and when I turned back around, she sniffed my hand. “I should go. I’ve got a certain mare looking for food. She’s eying my phone like it’s her next meal.”
“Okay. Listen, uh—before you go, I have to tell you something.”
My stomach dropped. “What?”
“I saw him the other day.”
I knew instantly who he was. My throat started to burn.
“He’s lost weight.” She faltered, coughing to clear her throat. “He’s not around that much. I mean, I never used to see him at all, but that’s according to Dawn.”
My heart pounded. I always felt like I was holding my breath when it came to Cole.
“She said he’s been gone, but now he’s back. We saw him in the lobby the other night. Jake and I were leaving with Doris and William. That’s who we’ve been reduced to hanging out with—our hippie retired neighbors, who are awesome and hilarious. I need to add that. Oh, and Derek is going to ask Dawn out. We had another resident dinner the other week, and she apologized to me for some phone thing. I had no idea what she was talking about, but she kept asking questions about Derek the whole night, so I think he’d already asked her out. I think she’s thinking about it. I hope, anyway. She seems less obsessed with Jake, so that’s a plus.”
“Sia?”
“Yeah?”
“Cole.”
“Sorry. I get nervous when I talk about him, you know? But okay. Yes. We saw him. Doris and William were freaking out afterward. I think William had toked up right before we left. He was more nervous that Cole was going to kick him out because there’s a no-drug policy—which is how ironic? The landlord is a mafia boss, and there’s a no-drug policy—”
“Sia!”
“Okay. Yes. I know. Uh…he asked about you.”
I figured. “And you said…?”
“I didn’t know what to say, so I just babbled. Gah. I never get like this except when it comes to you and him, but man. Addison, why did you leave?”
I was instantly hot and cold, all at once. “Because he killed Liam.”
“Yeah, but…” Her voice got so quiet. “It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think he’d be this wrecked, not if he really did do it, or ordered it. You know?”
What was going on? “Is this why you guys stopped talking about moving out? You don’t believe he did it?” Taffy kept nudging my shoulders and arms. I ignored her. “Cole said he did.” Man. I drew in a breath. I’d just said his name, out loud. It’d been so long…
…so long.
“I know.” Sia sounded quiet now, like she’d shrunk in size. “I know, but…what if he lied, Addison? Have you thought—”
I didn’t want to think about that. I could feel my throat close up. “I, uh, I have to go, Sia,” I cut her off.
I was about to hang up.
“He asked if you were happy.”
I stopped, my finger poised over the end call button. I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were on fire, and I gripped my phone like a lifeline. “What’d you say?”
She rushed out, “I told him you were. He seemed happy to hear that. So, yeah. There you go. I’m sorry if I wasn’t supposed to say that to him.”
“No, no.” I shook my head. I didn’t know what to say.
He’d asked about me.
He knew I was “better.”
He was happy to hear that.
I couldn’t… I couldn’t put together a thought, so I choked out, “I have to go.”
I hung up before she could say anything more. My phone went in my pocket, and I stood as everything whirled—twisting, shaking, and churning inside of me. A hurricane was caught inside my body, and I could only stand there and stare at…I looked at what I actually was focused on. A piece of straw on the floor. A single, sad, lonely piece of straw. I felt at one with that straw right then.
I missed him. I felt the tears threatening to spill and blinked rapidly, brushing my hand over my eyes. They couldn’t spill. Not anymore. Not still.
I needed to get over him. He’d told me he killed Liam. I shouldn’t be feeling any of these emotions. I shouldn’t even be thinking of him. He should be dead to me, but my God—as I turned toward Taffy, I knew that wasn’t ever going to happen. I would keep trying, but I knew Cole would always be a part of me, no matter how wrong it would be to go to him.
An hour later, I was sweaty and covered in dirt and straw when Kirk stopped at the stall. He rested a hand on the opened door and looked inside. “I didn’t realize her stall was that messed up. John must not have mucked it out on Tuesday like he was scheduled to.”
“Nah.” I paused and wiped an arm over my forehead. “I took my time with Taffy before I came in. It’s fine.”
“Still.” He frowned, eyeing the corners. “It should probably be rinsed out.” He gestured outside. “Go ahead. I’ll finish up. Taffy can stay in the other stall for the night.”
“You sure?”
“Oh yeah. Besides, you got a visitor.”
“I do?”
There was no warning, no car parked outside, no giant-sized security guards at the entryway—none of that, but a tickle started in the bottom of my stomach. I didn’t need to ask who it was. As I stepped out from where Taffy was nudging my shoulder, I knew. The tickle grew. I walked through the barn, and it kept growing. Past the stalls, out to the cement stairs in front of the barn, and I felt him. He was right there, waiting for me, his hands in his pockets and his head turned away.
I drank in the sight of him. A buzzing started in my ears. I ignored it.
Sia was right. Cole looked thinner, and the bags under his eyes made me ache, but he looked so beautiful. A part of me hated that, a part of me loved it. I wanted to launch myself at him and feel his arms wrap around me, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Instead, I stood there, and my mouth watered. His dark hair looked like it had been recently cut short again, a crew cut, and he wore a snug-fitting shirt over jeans. He looked lean, dangerous, mysterious, and altogether too gorgeous.
Then, as if he felt me the way I’d felt him, his head turned to me. His eyes. God. I stifled a sigh. I had missed his dark eyes and those long eyelashes.
A shadow crossed over his face before he asked, “Can I be here?” His voice was low, raw-sounding.
My heart dipped, hearing the pain there. “What do you mean?”
“Can I be here? Is that okay? If it’s not…” He hesitated, his head lowering as he winced. “I can go, if you don’t want me here.”
I did want him. I do. I only said, “It’s fine.”
He gestured to an alley beside the barn. “Over there?”
The barn was tucked next to the wall surrounding the fairgrounds, so the alley was empty, except for two horses being primped farther down. They were tied to the wall, and their owners were combing them, but they were too far away to hear. They didn’t pay us any attention.
Cole didn’t say anything right away. Neither did I. My mind raced. He was here. He had come. I should’ve hated him on sight. I should be throwing up right now, or pulling out a knife to stab him. I did none of those things. I clasped my arms behind me because they wanted to touch him. Disgust filled me, but it was at myself, not him.
“Horses?” he asked.
“My mom volunteered me.” Because I kept walkin
g down the road to watch our neighbor’s ranch. Because I took my dog for walks, and I never meant to end there, but I always did. Because when I looked at the horses, when I watched them, when I was around them, I felt like I was with Cole. It was all about him.
“I didn’t kill him,” Cole said.
Liam? My heart lurched, pressing against my chest.
“Dorian. I don’t know if you wondered, but I didn’t kill him. I handed him over to the Bertals, figured they’d deal with him on their own. They’ll execute him, because he’s the reason we broke into their whorehouse. I was going to kill him, for what he did to you, but then there’d be another war. One war took your husband already. So I handed him over.” He was almost whispering, “I did that for you.”
I couldn’t… I could only blink at him. “What?”
“Dor—” He started to say again.
I interrupted, “I don’t care about Dorian. Liam. I care about him.” I cared about the reason I couldn’t be with him, whether he really had killed him or not.
Sia’s words echoed in my head, filling me with so much hope, too much hope. “But…what if he lied?” I’d only asked him once. He’d only answered once. He could’ve…maybe guilt made him say those words? He’d felt bad that I was attacked and kidnapped? He’d said that word to push me away? Because he was in the mafia, and he wanted to keep me safe? Sudden and ridiculous hope overwhelmed me. Maybe, just maybe. Did I dare voices those questions?
Suddenly, a savage curse left him. “I should go. I came because I wanted you to know that. I’m sorry. This was a mistake.”
“Did you lie?”
He froze, his eyes clinging to mine. Or maybe I was the one clinging to him? I wasn’t sure anymore. He didn’t say anything, so I asked again. “Did you lie to me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You didn’t come to tell me about Dorian.” I knew that much. “You could’ve told Sia. She could’ve told me. Why are you here?” My heart pounded, deafening in my ears, and I took a step toward him. I licked my lips. I couldn’t keep my hands behind me anymore. I felt them reaching for him. I just wanted to touch him, just once.
One last time.
But then—
His mouth was on mine.
Finally. That was all I thought as I sagged into him.
He pushed me back against the barn. His hands cupped my face, and I kissed him back. Four months of anguish poured into that kiss. We were both starving. We tried to fill each other up, erase the hunger that had been there. I pressed against him, needing more, just needing so much more. As hungry as his lips were, mine were ravenous. As demanding, as tender—I matched him and wound my arms around his neck, lifting myself up on my toes. I couldn’t get close enough.
I had him.
I was in his arms again. I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted him again.
I heard whispered laughter—it was the horse owners—and I ignored them. He didn’t. He pulled away and stepped back. I went with him, but he touched my shoulders, holding me in place so my arms had to fall away. His hands went back to his sides. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here for that.” He raked a hand through his hair.
“Then why did you? Did you kill Liam? Did you lie to me?” Please say you lied. Please. I wanted the feel of his lips on mine again. I wanted his arms around me. One last night.
He shook his head, pain tightening his features. “I didn’t. No.”
“What do you mean?”
Did that mean…? He didn’t kill Liam?
“I didn’t lie to you.”
The ground fell from underneath me. Again. I looked down, as if I could actually see the black hole under my feet.
“But—”
I lifted my head.
“My family did.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I told you some of my uncles betrayed me. Do you remember that?”
I nodded; my head felt so heavy. “Yeah.” Why did that matter?
“One of my uncles ordered the hit on your husband. What Dorian said was true. But I had no idea until he told you himself. There’s a hidden camera in the elevator. He must’ve forgotten about it. I heard everything he said to you, but it doesn’t matter who it was. I mean, he lied about Carl. It wasn’t him that killed your husband, but he was somewhat right. It wasn’t me who ordered the hit. But it was my family, and it was one of our other drivers.”
His eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “As for what you asked before, you’re right. I could’ve had Sia tell you.” His mouth opened. He was about to say something, then the look in his eyes fell flat. He seemed depleted now. His shoulders dropped. “I should go. This isn’t fair to you.”
“Then why are you here?”
He paused, torment evident on his face, and he let out another soft sigh. “Because I couldn’t stay away.”
“Hey, Addy.”
I looked over from the kitchen. “What?”
He lounged on the couch in his boxers with a newspaper opened on his lap. Frankie ran to him, wagging his tail, and Liam’s free hand petted him. “What’s an eleven-letter word for requiem?”
“Are you joking? How am I supposed to know that?”
“Wait. Lamentation!” He gestured to his laptop. “The good ol’ world wide web.”
Then everything switched, and he gazed at me, somber all of the sudden. “You know,” he said, “we don’t talk about that stuff, but I don’t want you to do that for me.”
My stomach got a funny feeling. “I don’t like where this is going. You want pizza tonight?” I picked up the phone. “I’ll order it.”
“I mean it. If something happens to me, don’t waste your life. I mean, yeah, be sad. Be really sad. Look at me.” He gestured to himself. “I’m a fine piece of ass. I’d mourn myself, too, but after a while, move on, okay? Promise me. Don’t feel guilty about being happy, even after I’m gone.”
My mouth went dry. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Promise.”
“Okay.” I rolled my eyes. “I promise.”
“He knew,” I said, remembering.
“What?” Cole asked.
But I spoke to myself. “He knew something was going to happen. He was trying to tell me.” I felt the same funny feeling in my stomach. “Two days before he died, he knew something was going to happen.”
Cole stepped close.
I closed my eyes, feeling his warmth so near. I could turn and bury my head in his shoulder. He could hold me. He could make me forget everything, which is what he’d been doing. I’d forgotten about the reality of this life, of the mafia. I’d lost one love already. I couldn’t lose another one. I couldn’t lose Cole. I’d never survive.
I looked at him. I really looked at him.
He could be killed right in front of my eyes. It could all happen again. I should say no. I should walk away. I should leave, never see him again. I could do it. I could do all of that, though it would leave half of me bleeding on the ground right now.
I couldn’t.
The truth resonated inside of me. It’d been four months. Four months of me believing he’d killed Liam. Four months of trying to let him to go, knowing I should hate him, that I should never want to see him again.
Four months of hell.
Four months of aching, because I couldn’t do any of those things. I only missed him. I only loved him, and right now, as I stared at him, studying him, I knew what I was signing up for.
I opened my mouth, ready to share everything I’d just been thinking, when his words halted my own.
“I live in a building with other residents. Carter thinks I’m stupid. Yes, I’m in the mafia. Yes, you were pulled into this even before I came into your life. Yes, I can imagine that this is all a horrible story. But it’s not a mafia story. It’s a love story, and