‘How did you find this out?’
‘The clown confessed on his death bed,’ said the King. ‘I have not told my daughter that I know her secret, but nothing she does will surprise me, except perhaps being nice.’
‘You poor man,’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Well, actually I am seriously rich,’ said King Kasterwheel. ‘I’m just a bit crap in my personal relationships.’
‘We need to make a plan,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘You are sure the girl is the one in charge?’
‘Absolutely,’ said Fissure. ‘The others do whatever she tells them, even the big one that looks like a potato.’
‘And she wants to find Excalibur?’
‘Yes, but she pretended she didn’t really want to, she was just looking for it as a favour to a friend who also wasn’t that interested,’ said Fissure. ‘I just acted dumb, so now I am spying for them.’
‘What are they going to pay you with?’ Morgan le Fey asked. ‘More rats?’
‘A sausage.’
‘A sausage?’ said the Princess. ‘Do you know that they’ve got a ruby worth ten million gold crowns?’
‘Wow,’ said Sir Lancelot, Susan and Fissure.
‘Wow indeed,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘You know what? I reckon if the Princess Floridian is that keen to get Excalibur, you could get her to give you the ruby.’
‘But what about the sausage?’ said Fissure. ‘It’s a blood sausage.’
‘Are you crazy?’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘You would rather have a sausage instead of a priceless ruby?’
‘It is a blood sausage,’ said Fissure.
‘I can see his point,’ said Fenestra.
‘Maybe you could get her to give you both,’ Morgan le Fey suggested.
‘I’d rather have another sausage,’ said Fissure.
‘By the way,’ said Sir Lancelot, ‘what exactly is a sausage?’
‘Well,’ said the young vampire, ‘they are a brilliant new invention where they get a bit of a dead animal’s stomach and stuff it with chopped-up bits of another dead animal mixed up with stuff like fat and blood and then they boil them.’
‘And what do they do with them then?’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘Are they some sort of weapon?’
‘No, they eat them.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘It’s true, my lord,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘I have eaten them myself. My brother, the King, adores them and has a sausage banquet on the first Saturday of every month.’
Sir Lancelot looked green. He wondered if the fly-blown giblet curries he eaten on his crusades in strange far-off lands hadn’t been so bad after all. He had seen the stomachs of dead animals. They were not the sort of thing you’d want to put into your own stomach. It had made him wonder if it was possible to exist by eating no more than fruit and vegetables and tofu, but had tasted tofu and decided against it.
The brave knight was an old-fashioned sort of person. Sausages might be all right for young people, but he would stick to the traditional dead cow and boiled vegetables. Besides, he was sure sausages were just a passing fad like donkey painting and underwater jousting. A year from now they’d be forgotten like the other new fad of boiling up dried leaves and drinking them. All these trendy new food fads were simply ridiculous.
‘Before you know it,’ he said, ‘people will be roasting beans and grinding them into dust and drinking that.’
‘Umm, I think they already do that in far-off lands,’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Thank goodness they’re far off,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘So what is your plan? Shall we gather some guards and go up and arrest them?’
‘We could,’ said Morgan le Fey, ‘but I think they would know we were on our way before we get there, and don’t forget they have the young dragon with them. They could simply climb on its back and fly out of the window.’
‘The boy and the girl could,’ said Fissure. ‘If potato boy climbed on the dragon’s back it wouldn’t get off the ground, and anyway, he’s too fat to get out of the window.’
‘Oh, they’d just leave him behind,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘No, we need to be subtler than that. We need to lure them to one of the islands and trap them there.’
‘I could tell them where the island with Excalibur is and take them there,’ said Fissure.
‘That’s not as simple as it sounds,’ said Fenestra.
‘I thought you said you knew which island the sword is on?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Well, sort of. You see, there are quite a few islands with swords on, in particular the famous Island of Swords,’ the vampire explained. ‘Then there’s the Island of More Swords and the Island of Some Different Swords and the…’49
‘So isn’t there an island called the Island of Excalibur?’
‘Yes, of course there is, but all the names are a bit pointless really. I mean, it’s not like there’s a sign on each island saying, “This is the Island of So and So”, ’ said Fenestra. ‘Even the Island of So and So hasn’t got a sign saying that. In fact there is only one island with a sign on it and that is the Island With No Name.
‘And of course,’ the vampire continued, ‘as you know most of the islands move around a lot.’
‘So you don’t know which island has Excalibur on it?’
‘Oh yes, we all know which one it is.’
‘So how do you find it?’
‘It’s a process of elimination.’
‘Elimination?’
‘Yes. For example the Island of Excalibur has a tree on it.’
‘Oh that’s really helpful,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘There are over three hundred islands and they’ve all got trees on them.’
‘Except for the treeless islands,’ said the vampire.
‘And how many of them are there?’
‘One.’
‘Brilliant.’
‘There are no castles on the island.’
‘And how many are there that do have a castle?’
‘Fourteen.’
‘Wonderful,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘So we know there are more than three hundred islands, but not how many more, but we do know that Excalibur is not on fifteen of them.’
‘Exactly,’ said the vampire. ‘And you can discount the underwater islands.’
‘I think if they’re underwater, they are not exactly islands.’
‘Right. Well, there is a family of donkeys living there.’
‘Ah, now that must cut it down quite a bit,’ said Sir Lancelot.
‘Indeed it does. There are only eighty-five islands that are inhabited by donkeys, though the number does change.’
‘How?’
‘Well, donkeys can be quite bad-tempered, so they are forever arguing and swimming off to other islands that may or may not already have donkeys on them,’ said the vampire.
‘OK, so we’ve cut the number of possible islands down to eighty-five, give or take an unknown and constantly changing number?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Exactly!’
‘Anything else special that will eliminate some more?’
‘Oh yes,’ said the vampire. ‘The Island of Excalibur is home to a very rare flower that only grows in one other place.’
‘So the list is down to two?’
‘It is,’ said the vampire. ‘The Island of Excalibur and The Spare Island of Excalibur.’
‘Spare?’
‘Well, surely you don’t think something as important and priceless as Excalibur, The Sword That Conquers All Other Swords And Kicks Dirt In Their Faces, wouldn’t have a backup in case the original got broken?’
‘But if it is the sword that conquers all other swords, how can it get broken?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘I hadn’t thought of that,’ said the vampire.
‘OK. We’ll worry about that later. In the meantime, what does this flower look like?’
‘It is incredibly beautiful,’ said the vampire, ‘a shade of blue so perfect that it can bring grown men to their knees with a big wet patch in their
tights. It only flowers for fifteen minutes at midnight on midsummer’s eve and then it sleeps until the next midsummer’s eve. Or so I’ve been told.’
‘So you haven’t actually seen it?’
‘No.’
‘Right.’
‘But I do know someone who says they know someone who has.’
‘What a bit of luck,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘For is not tonight midsummer’s eve?’
It was.
Fenestra agreed to go back and get all her relatives to fly out across the lake as night fell to search for the two islands with their brilliant blue flowers. When they found them, they were to land and send a message back by sonar with its location.
‘Then we will hide on the islands while Fissure goes back to the bandits and leads them to the island,’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘How will I know which is the Island of Excalibur and which island is the Spare Island of Excalibur?’ said the young vampire.
‘You won’t,’ said Fenestra. ‘Only one person will know that and that will be the One True King of Avalon and even he won’t know until he pulls the One True Excalibur out of the rock.’
‘What happens if he chooses the wrong one?’
‘No one really knows,’ said the vulture, ‘but the soothsayers have been saying all sort of scary sooths about violent storms and the end of the world and pimples, but then you know what soothsayers are like.’
‘So I’ll just lead them to either island, shall I?’ said Fissure.
‘Haven’t got any choice, have you?’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘I mean, either island is either island or not, isn’t it?’
Fissure flew back to the tower where Brat and his cronies were waiting.
‘I have spoken to my aunt and she says that tonight the island where Excalibur is will be revealed,’ he said.
‘Tonight? Tonight?’ said Princess Floridian. ‘That’s a bit suspicious, isn’t it? Here we are looking for the sword and by an amazing coincidence tonight is the very night it’s going to be revealed.’
‘Well, tonight is midsummer’s eve,’ said Fissure. ‘That’s when the flowers open up.’
‘Flowers, what flowers?’ said the Princess. ‘I don’t like it. It sounds like a trap.’
‘Fair enough,’ said Fissure. ‘I’ll go home then.’
‘No, no,’ said the Princess. ‘Here, have a bit of sausage.’
‘No, thanks,’ said Fissure. ‘I’ve gone off the idea of sausage. I think being a spy is worth a lot more than a sausage.’
‘Oh yes? Like what?’
‘Well,’ said the young vampire. ‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but all that pretending you weren’t really interested in Excalibur and were just looking for a friend was a load of old garbage, wasn’t it? You are totally obsessed with the sword and the invincible power it gives to its owner, aren’t you?’
‘Umm, no, er,’ said the Princess.
She was thrown completely off guard by Fissure. She had thought he was just a stupid gullible flying bird-creature with pointy teeth.
‘If I’m wrong, just say so,’ said the vampire, ‘and I’ll leave.’
‘No, no, don’t go,’ said the Princess.
She went over to the window where Fissure was sitting on the sill and spoke in a low voice so the others couldn’t hear her.
‘Why don’t you and I become partners,’ she whispered. ‘You seem like a smart boy, not like these idiots I’m stuck here with.’
‘Go on.’
‘That idiot Brat, who managed to get thrown off the throne, thinks he is the rightful owner of Excalibur. He thinks he can pull it out of the stone and then reclaim Avalon.’
‘And?’
‘Well, maybe he can,’ said Princess Floridian. ‘So if we work together, we can wait until he has freed the sword and then overpower him and kill him. Then we can take over Avalon.’
‘What about potato boy?’
‘He can’t even fit through the window, never mind sit on the dragon’s back. I wouldn’t worry about him.’
‘And the dragon?’
‘He’ll do as he’s told,’ said the Princess. ‘So, are you up for it?’
‘All right, but you’ve still got to pay me,’ said Fissure. ‘I mean, how do I know you won’t try and kill me too?’
‘What do you want?’
‘The ruby.’
‘Ruby, what ruby?’
‘Hey, us vampires know everything,’ said Fissure, hoping the Princess wouldn’t make him prove it. ‘You give me the ruby and I will lead you to the Island of Excalibur this very night.’
‘Do you know how much it’s worth?’ said the Princess.
‘Yes, less than a tenth of a quarter of half a percent of the wealth that Excalibur could bring you.’
‘But…’
‘I’ve had enough of this,’ said the boy who would one day become King of the Vampires. ‘You’re too indecisive. I’m off.’
‘No, no, no,’ cried the Princess. ‘I’ll give you the ruby.’
‘Show me it,’ said Fissure.
The Princess reached into her dress and took the stone out from its secret pocket.
‘As soon as we have Excalibur, it will be yours.’
‘No. Once you have the sword, you could kill me and keep everything. I want the stone now.’
‘But what guarantee do I have that you’ll will come back tonight and lead me to the island?’
‘None at all,’ said Fissure. ‘You’ll just have to take that risk.’
‘But…’
‘I can see you are torn,’ said Fissure, licking his fangs. ‘So let’s forget the whole thing.’
The Princess handed the ruby to Fissure.
‘I will return at midnight,’ he said and flew back across the castle to Morgan le Fey and Sir Lancelot.
The Princess and the fearless knight were very impressed when Fissure showed them the ruby. Not so much his auntie Fenestra.
‘What are you going to do with that then?’ she said.
‘Umm, er,’ said Fissure, ‘but it’s worth ten million gold crowns.’
‘And what would you do with ten million gold crowns?’
‘Umm, er, umm. I could buy … umm. How much do blood sausages cost?’
‘Stupid boy,’ said Fenestra.
Fissure flew over to the vampire tower and put the ruby in his toy box along with his rabbit’s heart football and his dried kitten slippers.
‘I think it’s time we sent for your brother,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘I think he should know what’s going on.’
‘You’re right,’ Morgan le Fey agreed, ‘Merlin too. His experience will guide us. Aft er all, he guided my father to victory through several wars so this will be simple by comparison. My instinct is to get a few soldiers, grab them all and kill them. Merlin, no doubt, will take a more subtle approach that will probably be wiser.’
Morgan le Fey sent for her brother and the old wizard and told them what was happening.
‘Fetch King Kasterwheel too,’ said Morgan le Fey, ‘that he may be reunited with his daughter, though I don’t know that he will want her back.’
‘Excellent,’ said Merlin. ‘This will be the perfect opportunity to kill lots of birds with one stone.’
‘Indeed,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘We’ll capture the wretched runaways and my beloved brother can claim Excalibur. This will be a night for the history books, a night that will become a legend.’
Bit like you, gorgeous, she thought as she glanced at Sir Lancelot, a knight who was already a legend.
‘Maybe not just one stone, but a lot of stones and some very pointy weapons too,’ said the wizard.
‘Now you are talking my kind of language,’ said Lancelot and he sent for four boatloads of heavily armed soldiers.
As midnight approached, everyone went down to the water’s edge and waited for a signal from the vampires, who were now floating above the islands, that the rare and beautiful flower had opened.
‘By the way, my child,’ said Merlin, �
��when all this is over, you must tell me how you can get the vampires to do your bidding.’
Morgan le Fey was surprised and delighted that the old wizard had no inkling of her relationship with Fenestra.
It must be the only thing in all of Camelot that he knows nothing about, she smiled to herself. Unless, of course, he’s bluffing and playing a game.
But he wasn’t.
He knew nothing of the friendship between the Princess and the vampires. Had he done so, he would have moved heaven and earth to stop it. A princess with a small army of vampire bats would be too formidable a threat for him to deal with.
For their part, the vampires did not like Merlin. In common with nearly every human, they did not trust him.
Meanwhile, above the lake all the vampires glided back and forth across the lake watching for the magic moment. Every single vampire was there, even the ancient Lucestays. As she was completely blind, it had been cruel and pointless waking the ancient bat, but that’s the sort of thing vampires do.
‘Oh no,’ said Morgan le Fey, ‘I think it’s beginning to rain.’
But it wasn’t. Lucestays the Ancient who w as also Lucestays the Incontinent had just flown overhead.
The first sonar signal came in a few minutes after midnight followed three minutes later by the second. Merlin waved his special weather-controlling wand and a layer of thick clouds covered the moon as the four boats rowed silently towards the islands.
As soon as they had landed and everyone had hidden behind a tree or a sleeping donkey,50 small fires was lit on each island to act as beacons and Fissure flew back up to the tower where Brat, Bloat and Princess Floridian were waiting for him.
Scraper was waiting too, but he hadn’t the faintest idea what he was waiting for, which was basically the story of his whole life. At least it meant that when Brat and the Princess flew off on Bloat’s back leaving him behind, he wouldn’t be too upset.
‘I have a really, really important job for you,’ Brat told him as they prepared to leave.
‘A spy has told me that someone is coming to steal the door handle to this very room. While we are out, you must guard the handle with your life. OK?’
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