by BT Urruela
“Fuck… yes.”
As we hit the door, he props a forearm against it, but doesn’t push it open. He turns to me, eyeing me curiously. “Enlisted and an officer? How the fuck old are you? You look about twelve.”
I let out a nervous laugh as he swings the door open and walks out. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”
Playing along with my assumed role, I’ve spent a few days away from Trinity ‘looking for wood’ as I told Shane and Gabi before leaving. In reality, I’ve been staying in a drab motel room in the middle of nowhere, and bored out of my ever-loving mind. Time is a funny thing when you’re isolated and struggling. Minutes and hours run together, and your mind starts playing tricks on you. You hear things. You see things. And you think about damn near every problem you’ve ever had.
As I lay in the stiff motel bed, cloaked in darkness with only the little red alarm clock numbers to keep me company, my thoughts stray to Paige. It’s been nearly an hour since I said good night to her and the tone in her voice is still very clear in my head. She’s getting worse… detached and withdrawn. She’s losing herself a little more each day and it kills me to know I should be there. After figuring out this shit with Gabi, I have every intention of heading down to Truman Valley to spend a few days with Paige, but that certainly doesn’t help me me to sleep tonight .
My eyes are wide open, my heart beating relentlessly in my chest, and the guilt is like a vice against my throat. Not since deciding to confess to Teresa’s murder have I been so goddamn torn. What would I do if Paige lost the will to go on? What if it happened while I was away? The thought of it alone brings me so much anguish that tears form in my eyes, and an ache strangles my heart.
I reach a hand out and snag my cell from the nightstand. Pulling up my photo album, I swipe through the only pictures I’ve taken since getting out of prison, five in all, and each one of Paige and me. The tears fall freely now as the pain of missing her numbs my body.
What if she doesn’t make it through?
Abruptly, the phone rings loudly in my hand, her name flashes on the screen, and a sickening feeling takes hold in my gut.
Present
I know my life hasn’t always been this way. I know once not long ago I had a loving family. I knew no such thing as fear back then, and hate, and rage. I knew nothing of the ache that’s taken hold of my insides, twisting and turning them in a constant upheaval. I never thought my life would turn out this way, but now that it has, I can hardly remember the life I led before it. It fades quickly, drowned out in tears, picked apart piece by piece from guilt.
I’m drained of everything.
Brandi holds me, like she’s been holding me since I ran from my car into her arms the night it happened… since I found him. I cried out for her, for my best friend in this world, without regard as to who could hear me. She pulled me inside, though my legs were numb and fighting against her. I tried to walk. I just couldn’t. Finally, Chase had to bucket carry me into the living room, my snotty nose nuzzling into his shoulder. And here I’ve been since, crying and thinking, then crying some more.
What the hell do I do now? Where do I go from here?
“Babe, can I get you anything? Anything at all?” Brandi asks, giving me a good squeeze. I face her, my eyes red and achy, but the ugliness of it concealed by the dark room. I’m wrapped in the blankets, wishing so much that it was Xander’s arms.
“I’m okay,” I murmur and force a weak smile. She gives me another good squeeze before releasing me and scooting off the bed and onto her feet. As she heads toward the door, the rip of a motorcycle engine grows in intensity. She turns back toward me, her mouth agape. Eyes wide, I turn back and catch a single headlight coming from the long driveway. I look back at Brandi, shaking my head in disbelief and the tears begin streaming down my face.
“Oh, my God!” Brandi squeals, pulling her hands to her mouth. “He’s here.” She grabs me by the arm and pulls me up, but she doesn’t have to. I’m on my feet and out the door faster than I can even process a thought.
I hear the engine cut off just as I reach the front door, turn the handle and pull it open.
He’s still straddling the Harley as he pulls his helmet off. There’s a tired, but excited look in his eye. He throws the helmet to the dirt, climbs off the bike and I run to him, my feet moving outside of my control, driven by a need to be in his arms. He grabs me, pulls me in, and kisses me so hard my entire body quivers. He grips my thighs and pulls my legs up and around his waist. I lock my feet together, and I stare deep in his eyes.
“I’ve missed you so, so much,” he says, his eyes beginning to glisten over.
I don’t say a word because I can’t even gather my thoughts. I just know I need his lips on mine. I need to feel him, all of him, and all of his love. I need to feel anything but this retched pain. I need to be taken away. Bringing my lips to his ear, I take a heavy breath in, my heart pounding in my chest.
“Take me to my room,” I whisper. “Take me there now, baby.”
He sets me down lightly on the bed, having carried me through the house, my head nuzzled into his shoulder, the tears running freely.
“Baby?” he whispers softly against my mouth. “I don’t even know what to say.” His bottom lip slips between his teeth, his eyes full of concern. “I want so much to—” I cut him off with a finger to his lips.
“You don’t need to say anything right now, baby. Just take me. Make me forget all of this. Please?” I grab a fistful of his hair and pull him into me, kissing him hard, my lips crashing and cascading against his. I need him. I need all of him. I use my other hand to grip his wife beater and I tug it up and over his head, his arms high in the air to help me.
He comes down, his lips against my neck and he gives me light nibbles as he pulls my shorts and already wet panties off in one swift movement. His body charges back into mine and the feeling of his growing cock against my entrance shoots chills up my spine. He pulls the shirt over my head and brings his lips down on my left nipple, sucking and tugging it lightly with his teeth, and it stiffens immediately inside his mouth, begging for more.
I grab aimlessly at his pants, my hands not quite working with the button on his jeans, but it’s enough to get my point across. He scatters kisses down my stomach, unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them down to his knees just as his breath finds my clit. My body arches, craving him to take me… every bit of me. He kicks off his jeans and looks at me, a fire in his eyes, and then directs his attention back to my pussy, admiring it, then possessing it. His tongue licks and circles around my swollen bud, causing my legs to tremble.
“Oh, my God, right there. Right fucking there, Xander,” I say in a breathy gasp.
“You taste so fucking good, baby.” He shakes his head. “So fucking good.” With that, he buries his face again, causing my body to go into uncontrollable spasms. My toes curl, the muscles flexing and cramping. This is what I want. This is what I need.
“Fuck, baby. I need you inside me, right now!” I moan, grabbing at his thick arms. “Please, fuck me.” He gives me one more delicate lick and then brings his lips to mine. I can taste myself on him and it fills me with a complete desire to have his thickness inside of me.
He stares deep into my eyes, both sorrow and lust filling them. “I love you, Paige. I love you so much,” he says, kissing my forehead.
“I love you too, Xander. Now, take me. Fucking take me.”
The tip of his dick meets my entrance and he settles it there for a moment before teasing me inch by inch as he slowly glides inside me. I let out a whimper, an ache taking hold inside of me equal parts pain and pleasure.
“Yes. Yes.” I hardly recognize my own voice. The words come out on their own free will. “God, yes. Fuck me, Xander. Fuck me.”
He picks up speed, his girth making my body seize with pleasure. He takes a soft bite into my neck, his hot breath forced in and out against my skin as he continues pumping, faster and faster and faster. He moans, releasing my neck and kis
sing me with everything he has. I can feel the love pass between us like an electrical current. He needs me just as much as I need him. I can feel it in the way he handles me, the way he stares deep into my eyes as our bodies connect and become one. Wrapped in his perfect arms is where I’m meant to be, and it’s the only thing that can take this pain in my heart away, or at least numb it for a little while. I can’t be away from him again, that much I know. It will be the death of me. He’s the only thing I have left. He is my safe haven, his arms protection against the vile outside world.
He quietly holds me, thinking I’m still sleeping, our first morning waking up next to each other in weeks. It feels all too perfect. And it reinforces the idea that being without him again is an impossibility. I won’t let it happen again.
I feel his lips meet my forehead before he rustles from under the covers and stands. I open my eyes and watch him as he moves across the room.
“Hey, where you going? Leaving me already?” I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
He turns and smiles. “Morning, sleepyhead. I was just going to grab some coffee. You want some?”
“Yeah, I’ll come with.” I toss the blanket aside and meet him by the door.
We make our way to the kitchen, hand in hand, and find Chase and Brandi already seated at the kitchen table with half eaten breakfast in front of them.
“Morning, you two,” Chase says, giving me a wink. “Didn’t get much sleep, huh?” He laughs as I reach into the cupboard for two coffee mugs. Xander grabs the Baileys from the fridge with a smirk.
“Can you blame me?” Xander asks grabbing a handful of my butt. I look back at him with a smile and he kisses me on the cheek. We take a seat with our coffees and Chase just shakes his head.
“Not one bit,” he says with a smirk. “How the hell’d you manage to drive all that way in one sitting? How far was it anyways? Twenty hours?”
“About that,” Xander says with a laugh. “It was something like twenty-one with stops and all.” He looks to me, sincerity in his eyes, and takes the nape of my neck in his hand, softly squeezing. “But how could I not.” He looks back at Chase, the smile still on his face and says, “She’s worth every damn mile.”
Brandi awwwwws and Chase just chuckles and shakes his head.
“You’re the man, Xander,” he says, knowing full well Xander is exactly what I needed after the awful two days I’ve had since Dad’s passing. And with his funeral two days from now… I don’t even know how I’ll handle it. “How are things up in Wyoming by the way? Things all cleared up?” Chase asks with an eyebrow raised. Xander’s eyes shift down to the tabletop as he picks at his fingernails.
“About the same, man. Sorry. This was all…” He looks at me, remorse in his eyes. The same remorse that’s been there since he drove up last night. “It was just out of nowhere. I didn’t have the chance to.” Chase looks annoyed but nods his head.
“When you get back then? The truth?” he asks.
“The truth, I promise. Right when I get back,” Xander says, and without thought I take his hand into mine.
“I’m going with you,” I blurt out as tears begin to creep up. “I can’t stay here.”
“Babe, there’s nothing I want more than for you to come with me, but it’s looking ugly up there. I just don’t know if I want you involved,” he says, sincerity in his words. He only wants what’s best for me. I know that, but nothing is going to keep me away from him again. Nothing is going to keep me in Truman Valley.
“I don’t give a shit, Xander. I’m coming. I can’t stay here,” I plead, tears beginning to run down my cheeks now in full force.
“We’re all coming with you, brother,” Chase says, taking my other hand into his and squeezing it. “Right after the funeral.”
“And who made that decision?” Xander asks, removing his hand from mine and shaking his head. “Was anyone going to ask me what I thought about it?”
“No, we weren’t,” Chase says in a matter of fact tone. “We love you, bro. And as such, we’re going to have your back in this. That’s all there is to it.”
Xander stands abruptly, pushing the chair back with a loud screech. He goes to say something but doesn’t, shaking his head instead and walking back to my room.
“Xander!” Chase calls out, but he continues to the room anyways. I put my hand up, stopping Chase from following Xander, and I stand myself.
“I got it,” I say, heading down the hall and into my room where Xander sits on my bed with his head in his hands.
“Baby, I can’t stay here,” I say, the tears starting to return. “I just can’t. Everywhere I look I think of them. Everything I see in this fucking town reminds me of them. I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t!” I cry out, dropping to my knees. This isn’t how I wanted to handle the situation, but my emotions are out of control right now, my grief insurmountable.
Xander quickly makes his way off the bed and kneels down next to me, wrapping his arms around me.
“Okay, baby. Okay. I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know…you only want…what’s best for me,” I squeak out between sobs. “But what’s best for me… is to be with you. You’re the only thing I have left.” The tears seep into his shirt turning red to crimson. “You’re all I have,” I repeat, snorting and sniffling through the current bout of tears.
“I’m here, Paige. I’m here. I’ll never leave your side again. I promise you.” He takes me in a tight embrace and kisses my forehead, letting his warm lips stay right there, right where I ache for them to be.
There were times during the funeral I wasn’t sure Paige was going to make it. I feel as if I watched her heart get ripped from her chest over and over again. I thank God it was a closed casket. I don’t think she would’ve been able to stay as strong otherwise. I don’t know how she’s even staying as strong as she is. I can only imagine she’s stuffing it deep down, to simmer and boil beneath the surface before one day it’s unleashed onto her. And I will be there for her, but I fear the day it comes. I fear what it will do to her.
She clings to my back tightly as the Harley rips down the rural South Dakota highway, wheat flowing in the wind like waves crashing against the roadside shore as the sun begins its descent into the horizon. Brandi leads the pack in a loaded-up SUV, Rowdy along for the ride with his snout out the window, and Irish is just behind her on his own hog. Paige settles her helmeted head against my shoulder, giving me a good squeeze, just as the SUV’s turn signal flashes on.
We stop at a rundown gas station just off the highway. An old man in overalls seated on the bench tips his trucker’s hat as we pull up alongside each pump. The old ice machine grunts and grinds in the still country silence. Irish pulls his helmet off and lifts his leg up and over the bike. I do the same, letting Paige dismount first, and Brandi meets the three of us by the pump.
“I’m thinking we fuel up here and maybe call it a night. We can finish out the final leg in the morning. What do ya think?” Irish asks, wiping a gloved hand over his sweaty forehead.
“I’m fine with it,” I say, glancing around our vicinity, only a McDonald’s and a wretched-looking motor lodge in view. “But here?”
Irish laughs and shakes his head. “Not unless you’re trying to catch something,” he jokes.
“Yeah, I don’t think so…” Brandi says, her lip curled in disgust. “Not a chance in hell. I just gotta tinkle.” She throws a thumb back toward the convenience store and then motions for Paige. “You coming, boo?”
“Good luck with that, ladies,” I say, peering off at what looks to be an outhouse. “Maybe bring a weapon.”
Brandi laughs, patting a hand against her waistband. “Never leave home without it.” She winks, looping her arm around Paige’s and they head toward the Wrong Turn-like porta-potty.
“I taught my girl well,” Irish says with a smirk, before making his way to the pump to fuel up.
“You ever get ahold of Gabi by the way?” he asks as I
begin fueling up my own ride.
“I sent another text about three hours ago, and called to leave a message this morning,” I say. The thought of what’s to come like a dense fog in my brain, overshadowing all else. I’ll have to tell her. I have no other choice as Irish is now coming with me. I know it’s the right time, even if it seems far too late. I just keep thinking about how completely ridiculous this conversation will be, and my brain runs around in circles as to what type of response I’ll receive.
“You mention anything?” he asks, an eyebrow arched.
“No, man, I told you, I can’t do that over text. I’ll pull her aside when we first get there. I just wish she’d get back to me. No idea what’s going on,” I say, concern washing over me. Visions of life draining from her eyes taking hold.
“She’s alright, brother. Positive thinking,” Irish says.
“Yeah.” Scoffing, I put the pump nozzle back in its place as the girls approach. “That glass half full shit… I fucking hate that.”
We pull up to Gabi’s house after nearly seven hours on the road. My back is stiff and achy, but that’s not what’s on my mind. Having heard back from Gabi late last night, I at least know she’s okay, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have a heavy conversation to take on here in a few minutes and it’s not something I’m even remotely ready for. There’s a new bike in the driveway, one I haven’t seen, and an uncomfortable feeling washes over me.
Paige, Irish and I dismount the bikes as Brandi exits the SUV, stretching her arms out wide into the air with a loud sigh as Rowdy hops out behind her, running to the side yard to relieve himself. The swing of the front door pulls my eyes from Paige to Gabi as she and Shane walk down the porch steps, beers in hand.
“You weren’t kidding. You brought an army with you,” Gabi says, taking a seat on the last porch step. She tokes on a joint pinched between two fingers.