"I'm not accusing you. I was just asking about the card. And you WERE acting strange. You wouldn't look at me. You didn't want to walk Lucky with me. You were acting like something was wrong."
"I wasn't looking at you because I was angry you didn't tell me about Lauren, and angry I had to hear it from her and not you."
"So you admit you were acting differently."
"Yeah, fine. Whatever. It still doesn't excuse the fact that you assumed I was suing you after finding a business card. How could you even think that was a possibility?"
"I didn't but—I don't know. I saw it and panicked."
She looks down. "You don't trust me."
"You don't trust me either if you thought I'd cheat on you."
The room is silent a moment, then Star looks up. "What does this mean?"
"It means we both screwed up. We made assumptions we shouldn't have made."
"It means we don't trust each other," she says softly. "You can't have a relationship without trust."
"Star, don't go turning this into something it's not. We just made a mistake. It doesn't mean we—"
"Yeah, actually it does." She takes a breath. "If we don't trust each other, we shouldn't be together."
Chapter Twenty
Corbin
"I DO trust you," I say.
"Then you wouldn't have thought I was suing you behind your back. All it took was that one little card for you to not trust me. You assumed the worst of me. That means something, Corbin. It means this relationship isn't as strong as we thought it was."
"Star, that's not what it means."
"Then how do you explain it?"
I don't know how to answer her. She's right. I should've trusted her, and she should have trusted me with Lauren. So why didn't we?
"Maybe it was all too fast," Star says, turning away from me.
"What was too fast?"
"This relationship. Maybe we rushed into it before we were ready. Right after we met I moved in with you. You barely knew me. You'd just broken up with Lauren and I'd just lost everything I had. We were both in a bad place. Maybe we rushed into this to make ourselves feel better."
"Star, that's not what happened. I felt something for you right away. Something I never felt for Lauren."
She turns to face me. "You felt sorry for me. And guilty for what you'd done. That could've been the reason you had feelings for me. Combine that with our attraction to each other and it could've felt like love when it wasn't."
"You're wrong." I put my hands on her shoulders and look in her eyes. "I love you, Star, and it wasn't caused by guilt or feeling sorry for you. I fell in love with you because of who you are. How you make me feel." I swallow. "Are you saying all this because it's how YOU feel? Do you think you rushed into this and now you're having second thoughts?"
She looks down. "I don't know. I didn't think that before, but now? I'm not sure." Her eyes lift back to mine. "We didn't trust each other. We assumed the worst. You can't tell me that doesn't concern you."
I sigh. "It does. But that doesn't mean I don't love you." I pause. "What about you? Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do." She takes my hand off her shoulder and holds it. "I love you more than anything. But I don't want to have doubts about us."
"So what does that mean?" I ask, my heart pounding. She has this sad look on her face that's making me nervous. I can't lose her. I love her and I can't lose her.
She lets go of my hand. "I think we need some time apart."
"Time apart? Meaning what?"
"When I was talking to Haley earlier, she said she knows of a girl who's looking for a roommate. She's a grad student at Harvard and lives just a few blocks from here. I could stay with her and still be able to work at the coffee shop."
"Star, no. Don't do this. We can work this out."
She gives me a sad smile. "I want to, Corbin. And I think we can. But in order to get there I think we need some time away from each other. Maybe if we're not together all the time we'll learn to trust each other. We'll have to. We'll have no choice."
"We don't need to live apart in order to do that."
"Maybe you don't but I do. I've been worried about you going back to Lauren ever since we started dating. You two make sense together. You and I don't. And she was a huge part of your life for years."
"None of that matters. And you and I DO make sense, just not in the way Lauren and I did."
"I know you say that, and I think you really do believe it, but I'm not there yet. I still feel like there's this part of you that sees me as the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. And when you accused me of hiring a lawyer to sue you, that just confirmed it. It tells me there really is a part of you that doesn't see me as someone you can trust. I'm just some girl who's desperate for money and will do anything to get it."
"Star, that is NOT true," I say, getting angry. "I've never thought that about you. The only reason I even considered you might have hired that lawyer is because I saw that business card and—I don't know. I guess you not telling me about it made me suspicious. It was wrong and I'm sorry but it doesn't mean I don't trust you."
"Corbin, it DOES mean that. You're not being honest with yourself. The fact that your mind even went there says you don't trust me." She looks down. "I don't want to move out but I think I have to. I think it'd be good for us. We need time apart. I don't want to lose you, Corbin, but I feel like if we don't work this out now, eventually this will end."
Maybe she's right. To have a future together we have to trust each other, and clearly we're both having issues with that. I really believed I trusted her but the evidence shows I didn't. I really thought she'd hired that lawyer.
"For how long?" I ask, accepting her decision to leave even though it's not what I want.
"I'm not sure. I was thinking maybe I'd start with a month and go from there."
"A month?" I ask, sounding surprised. A month seems like forever when I'm used to seeing her every day. "A month is too long."
"It's only a few weeks. And I think we need that long. Why don't we just see how it goes? We don't have to commit to a time."
"Who's this girl you'd be living with? What do you know about her?"
"She's the niece of this woman Haley works with. She said she's really quiet and studies all the time. Her last roommate had to move for a job. She has someone lined up to live there this summer but until then, she could use a roommate to help pay the rent. And if I needed a place longer than that, she knows people looking for summer roommates."
"We're not living apart for more than a month," I say. "That's long enough."
"We need to do this for as long as it takes to get us where we need to be." She wraps her hand around mine. "I want us to have a future, Corbin, and I know you want that too. So whatever it takes for us to get to that point, I'll do it."
She wants a future with me? Relief washes over me as I realize this isn't the first step of a breakup. It's her trying to strengthen our relationship. She wants to work on our issues. To resolve them before they get worse. It's what I always wished Lauren would do but she never would. She just kept pushing our issues aside, which only pushed us farther apart.
Star's committed to this. Committed to us. I am too. I want her more than anything, and if being apart a few weeks will help us have the kind of relationship that will last, then I'm in.
"I love you," I say, pulling her into my arms.
"I love you too." She sniffles and I hear her quietly crying as I hold her.
I kiss her head. "We're going to get through this."
"I know we will. I'll just miss you."
"I'll miss you too." I pull back and look at her. "So what are the rules here? Will I still get to see you?"
She nods. "I was thinking we'd date, like we would have if I hadn't moved in with you right after we met."
I smile. "Do I call and ask you out? Text you? What do you prefer?"
"Call. Definitely." She smiles. "And you have to give me
notice. I'm very busy."
"I'll keep that in mind. What about our fur-child?"
She laughs. "Lucky will have to stay here with you. Hannah's apartment doesn't allow dogs. That's my new roommate. Hannah."
"Does Hannah allow boyfriends to come over?"
"I don't know. I'll have to ask."
"I'm guessing sleepovers aren't allowed in this arrangement?"
"Probably not. It'd be too much like living together."
"But we could still use the bed. For things other than sleeping?"
"Yes." She smiles. "I don't think I could go a whole month without that. And we ARE dating. It's not like we're just being friends for a month."
"You really think this will help?"
"I don't know but I think we should try it. Just talking about this, getting everything out in the open, is making me feel better about us. I want us to keep doing that. Keep talking about stuff instead of hiding it. And just so you know, I wasn't trying to hide the thing about the lawyer. I just forgot to tell you. I wasn't even thinking about it."
"And you already know why I didn't tell you about Lauren. But that was a mistake. I should've told you."
"So from now on, we'll tell each other stuff, right?"
"Yes. Definitely."
"Oh! Speaking of that, I talked to a recruiter today."
"A job recruiter?"
"No. College. Well, community college. He said my classes would probably transfer so I'd only have a year left for my degree."
That must've been what she was talking about when she was in the tub. And here I assumed she was talking about hiring a lawyer. I didn't trust her. It's more proof that she's right. We need to work on this. We need to trust each other.
"That's great!" I say. "You think you'll do it?"
"I think so, but it won't be until fall. That'll give me all summer to save up money. Oh, I got a couple new dogs to walk. Some customers at the coffee shop saw me walking dogs and asked if I'd walk theirs too."
"Will you still walk Lucky? I'll pay you double what everyone else is paying."
"You're not paying me. He's OUR dog. I'll still walk him during the day and make sure he's fed."
Just then, Lucky walks in, looking groggy, like he just woke from a nap. He perks up when he sees us, running over to Star.
"There's my boy." She leans down to rub his ears. "Lucky, I have to go away for a few weeks but I'll still come see you during the day."
He has no clue what she's saying, his tail wagging as she pets him.
"He's going to miss you," I say. "But I'll miss you more."
She looks up at me, her smile turning to a frown. "I'll miss you too."
"You're not leaving tonight, are you?"
"No. I need to confirm everything with Hannah. If she's okay with it I'll move in tomorrow."
"Meaning you won't be here when I get home?"
"Probably not." She stands up and Lucky sits down beside her, leaning against her leg.
"Can I ask you out for tomorrow? Or is that too soon?"
"I think it's too soon. But maybe this weekend?"
I nod. "I'll call you."
"I know this is going to seem weird at first but I really think it might help. And if it doesn't, we'll do something else."
She's really committed to making this work, which makes me feel a little less anxious about her leaving. I still don't want her to go but I understand why she's doing it.
"So what happens tonight?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"Will you stay with me? In my room? OUR room?"
She smiles. "I'll stay with you."
It's still early but we decide to go to bed. I want to hold her in my arms as long as possible before she's gone. I know it's only temporary but it feels like it isn't. It feels like she's leaving for good. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm going to miss her so much.
***
The next day when I get home from work, she's gone. She texted me during the day telling me she'd moved out but it didn't sink in until I walked in my apartment and she wasn't there. No welcome home kisses. No hugs. No smell of dinner cooking on the stove. No one asking about my day.
It's just an empty apartment like it was before I met her. Even when Lauren lived here it felt empty. There was no warmth. No love. And Lauren didn't like noise so it was always quiet. I had to turn the volume on the TV to almost zero in order to watch it, which is why I usually didn't.
Lucky hears me and barks. At least I still have Lucky. He livens up the place.
I go over to his kennel and let him out.
"Hey, boy, I missed you." He jumps around, barking, wanting to go outside.
After I change clothes I take him down to the street and run into Alexis coming out of the coffee shop.
"Hey, Corbin," she says, getting her phone out and walking beside me.
"Hey, are you done for the day?"
"I'm not supposed to be but my dad wasn't feeling well so I'm going to go see him."
"What's wrong?"
"We're not sure. He's going to the doctor tomorrow." She stops at her car.
"I hope he feels better."
"Yeah, me too. Hey, what's up with you and Star?"
"What do you mean?"
"I saw her moving her stuff out. I was going to ask her about it but she was gone before I could."
"She's staying with a friend. Just for a few weeks."
"Why? Are you guys breaking up?"
"I'd rather not get into it. And hey, don't tell Lauren. I don't want to deal with her questioning me about it."
"Yeah, okay." She opens her car door. "See ya later."
Even though I told her not to, I'm sure she'll tell Lauren. They're best friends and she tells Lauren everything. That's why I wish Star would stop working at the coffee shop but she won't because she's making good money, especially now that she works the register and gets tips.
Lucky and I take a long walk, then we go back to the apartment and I call Star. She never said I couldn't call and I've gone all day without talking to her and miss hearing her voice. She doesn't answer the call and it makes me wonder if she doesn't want me calling this soon. But if we're dating I should be able to call her.
Moments later I get a text. I'm out running errands, then going to bed. Really tired. Talk tomorrow?
Yeah, okay, I text back. I love you.
I love you too! Goodnight!
Lucky comes over and sits by my feet as I lean back on the couch, turning the TV on.
"It's just you and me tonight, Lucky."
He lifts his head and rests it against my leg, wanting to be pet. I rub his ears as I flip through the channels. Even with Lucky here I still feel alone. It's just not the same without Star. I miss her. I already want these four weeks to be over so I have her back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Corbin
On Thursday I call Star and ask her out for Friday night.
"I think that'll work," she says.
"You need to check your calendar?" I kid.
She laughs. "My calendar says I'm free so I'll see you tomorrow night. What are we doing?"
"Dinner and a movie. I'm going with a traditional date. Nothing too crazy."
"Funny that we've never done that."
"Dinner and a movie?" I stop to think. "We've done that before."
"Only one time. And it was when we first met, before we were dating."
"Huh. I guess you're right."
By living together right away we skipped the usual dating rituals and went straight to being a live-in couple. This dating thing is all new for us. When we lived together we'd go out to dinner because we didn't want to cook. It didn't feel like anything special. Now it feels like I'm taking her on an actual date. I like that.
We've been living apart for less than a week but I'm already feeling closer to her. Our separation is showing me how much I miss her when she's gone. How much I want her in my life. I can see a future with her now more than ever. And I DO
trust her. I always did, but finding that lawyer's card made me question it. That ended up being a good thing because it woke me up to the fact I was letting other people affect my relationship with Star. It was my dad that didn't trust her and I was letting his opinion sway mine. Now that I know that, it's not going to happen again.
"What time are you picking me up?" she asks.
"As soon as you'll let me. Does noon work?"
She laughs. "You work until five. And then you need to go home, change clothes and walk Lucky."
"So five-fifteen?"
She laughs again. "Let's say six. I'll see you then."
"Okay. Bye."
"Wait! Corbin?"
"Yeah?"
"I can't wait to see you. I really miss you."
"I miss you too. I love you, Star. See you tomorrow."
Tomorrow can't come soon enough, and when it does I'm practically counting the minutes until I can see her. I show up at her apartment, flowers in hand, at exactly six o'clock and knock on the door.
Her roommate answers, or at least I think it's her roommate. She's short and thin, wearing sweats and big red glasses, her black hair twisted up in a bun.
"Hi, I'm Corbin," I say to her. "Are you Hannah?"
"Yeah." She steps aside. "You can come inside. She's still getting ready."
I go in and she shuts the door, then walks down the hall to her room. She's not very friendly. Star hasn't said much about her other than that she's really quiet and studies a lot.
I go in the apartment and look around. It's a small, older apartment but it's clean and seems to be in decent shape. The living room has a brown couch with different colored pillows and blankets on it. There's a coffee table across from it but no TV anywhere.
"I'm ready." I hear her voice and turn around and see her coming toward me, a huge smile on her face. I've missed that smile.
I go up and grab her, hugging her so tight I lift her off the ground. "I've missed you."
She laughs. "I've missed you too."
I set her down and kiss her and keep kissing her until I hear her roommate's door open.
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