by Maya Wood
Trevor stood there, his face soft and solemn. “I made it to The Anchor and I turned right back around,” he said. “I had to see you again.”
Alexis slung her arms around him, nuzzling his face with her own. When she pressed her mouth against his lips, he seemed to hesitate, guarding against something. But she felt him tense all around her, a sudden intensity, and he raked his hands through her hair, breathing heavily through his nose. The door hardly closed behind him as they moved slowly across the room, pulling at each other with urgency.
Her feet dangled in the air for a moment when Trevor lifted her from the ground, his arm pinning her behind up high and hard against him. He lowered their bodies gently against the mattress. His breath was hot and loud in her ear, and her eyes rolled back as she let his energy pull her under. Alexis let out a reedy moan, desperate and aching, and her hands flew to his waistline. She wanted him. She wanted to suspend this moment, to think of nothing before or after.
Trevor murmured, and for a moment she thought that he was lowering his hand to help her with his belt. But she felt something in his body change. He held his breath. And when she opened her eyes, she saw that he was pulling away. “What? Trevor…what are you doing?”
Trevor blew out a lungful of air and rubbed his eyes. He leaned backward and watched her beneath him. She saw the apple in his throat roll hard. He wanted her. He wanted to peel the clothes off of her, to feel her naked warmth. To be inside her and watch her eyes as her breath shortened with every movement. But what he wanted couldn’t be contained in a single night. He wanted what he couldn’t have, and it broke his heart.
“Make love to me, Trevor,” she asked him, still panting.
“I can’t do this, Alexis.” He took his hands from her reach. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about? I thought…” Confused, she pulled herself together, curling against the headboard. Just the few feet between them seemed to stretch into an infinite gap.
Trevor swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat squarely staring at the floor. “Just listen to me a moment, Red.” His shoulders expanded over an intrepid breath. “I love you,” he said quietly. “I know that now. And now that I know you’re in the world it seems an impossibility to spend a day of my life without you by my side.” He combed his hair from out of his eyes. “But I want you to be happy, and I want you to do what’s in your heart.”
Alexis plunged forward, her hands grabbing at his shirt. “Trevor, I want you. You are in my heart.”
Trevor looked at her sideways. “I believe you. But I also know your heart is in Boston, with your father. And Philip…”
“What about Philip? You can’t honestly think that I want to be with him.”
Trevor shook his head. “You say that now. But I have nothing to offer you. I have no place in your world. Philip loves you, for what that’s worth. And he can fit into the life you want.”
Alexis sprang to her feet and unleashed a wild scornful glare at Trevor. “How dare you tell me what life I want,” she spat. She wanted to slap him for his stupidity. For his blindness. For the cold distance he was weaving between them. Hadn’t they done this enough?
Trevor looked up at her, his gaze unblinking. “Then listen to me tell you what I need.” He stood from the bed and took her hand in his. “I can’t take the risk, Alexis. I’m not strong enough to do this. To follow you and then one day see that you regret it. I’m sorry.”
Alexis felt her body shake, and Trevor coaxed her against him. She felt a ball of molten sorrow expand in her chest and lift up into her throat. He rocked her body softly against him. She could hear herself crying no, no, no into his neck.
“What the hell is going on here?” The couple swiveled to face the door. Philip loomed tall and furious. “I said what the hell is going on here?” he repeated, his voice thundering over the walls and floor in a clap above them. In an instant Philip’s hand made contact with Trevor’s shoulder.
Trevor released Alexis, putting himself between them. “Lower your voice,” Trevor commanded in a hushed, indisputable tone. Philip was seething, red spilling above his collar and into his angular face. He loosened the button at his neck, and his fingers curled into a bloodless fist. He swung fast, but Trevor caught his elbow and twisted it until Philip sank onto his knees. He lowered his face to Philip’s ear. “I don’t want to fight you.”
Philip jerked in effort to free himself, but Trevor’s grip was unyielding. Finally Philip nodded in submission and Trevor released him. Trevor stepped back and watched his adversary stumble onto his feet. He turned to Alexis. “I didn’t want to say goodbye like this,” he said, “but perhaps it’s better this way.” He leaned toward her, lowered himself, and brushed his lips softly against her wet cheek. “Goodbye, Red.” Alexis closed her eyes. He couldn’t be serious. But she had the strange, horrifying sensation that the touch of his mouth against her was the last.
Trevor brushed past Philip, and Alexis lunged after him. “Trevor, please,” she cried. Philip blocked her path, clutching her shoulders. Trevor was gone.
“Do you mind telling me what’s going on Alexis?” he fumed, his nostrils flaring. “I come all the way across the ocean to be with you, and you...” Philip snapped his head in shock, his words catching in his throat. “You take up with that backwoods goon?”
“Get out,” Alexis said, her back to him.
“What?” Philip sputtered in disbelief.
“You heard me,” Alexis said, folding her arms. “I didn’t ask you to come here. I didn’t ask you for anything. It’s over Philip, and I want you to go now. Please.” She did not look at him.
“But I love you, Alexis.”
Alexis sighed loudly. “Philip, please.” She buried her hands in her face. “I’m sorry if I’m being callous. I just don’t have it in me to do this right now.” She went to the door and held it open. “Please. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“No, we talk about it now. You owe me that,” he rasped, his eyes wide and desperate. Philip pushed past her, shutting the door. She heard it click and he spun and grabbed her arms, jerking her to him in a forceful embrace.
“Alexis,” he murmured against her head. “You’re upset. You don’t mean this. And I...I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long now. To hold you again.”
Alexis sagged like a rag doll in his arms.
“When your father told me about your telegram...when I thought I could have lost you forever.” He could barely finish the thought. “I couldn’t stand to be apart from you for another moment.” Philip pulled back, taking her in. His voice broke with delirious laughter. “God, don’t you see?”
Alexis shook her head, shoving a hand against his chest. “No…I mean…Philip…”
“Don’t you see that I love you, Alexis? I came here to show you that I love you. I need you. I want you to come home with me. Be my wife and let me take care of you. ”
Alexis stammered unintelligibly, trying to find the words. But there were no other words to justify the resolute “no” that all her body, mind and heart compelled her to say. It was no longer a debate, a question, a whisper of doubt that teased her into sleepless nights. “Philip,” she said, pulling free from his grasp. She crossed the room to the window. “I don’t love you. Not like that.”
Philip balked at her. “What?”
“I don’t want to be your wife, Philip.”
“But Alexis. You’re here. In New Guinea. You did what you wanted. I supported you. I support you now. I’m here because I love you and want you. I thought that’s what you needed to see. What about our engagement for Christ’s sake?”
Alexis leaned against the wall and watched Philip as he sank down on the mattress. “I thought that’s what I wanted, too,” she said softly. “Things have changed.”
Philip leaned his elbows against his thighs and buried his face in his hands. “Okay, okay, Alexis. I understand. You’ve been through a lot here. You almost…you almost died. But once you get back to Boston,
you will feel differently. I know it.”
“No, Philip.”
“I don’t understand, Alexis. Is it him?”
Alexis looked down at the floor. “It doesn’t matter. Take my word. I don’t want the life we’d lead in Boston.”
Philip sprung from the bed and charged the space between them. He took her shoulders in his hands. “Alexis,” he croaked. “Answer my question. Is it him?”
Alexis rolled her eyes. She felt cold and hard in his hands, his eyes desperately searching hers for answers. “Please Philip. I said it doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
Alexis’ brows lifted in acquiescence. She did owe him the truth. However totally detached from this man who’d abated the enormous loneliness of her previous life, she owed him an explanation. “Yes, Philip. It is him. I love him.”
Philip reeled back. “I don’t understand.” He shook his head. “Alexis…how could you choose him over me?” He whipped her with his scornful green eyes. “What kind of future could you possibly have with that man? I love you, Alexis. Haven’t I shown you that? Haven’t I proven that I accept everything about you? That I support you? That I would move mountains to make you happy?” He looked positively wild now, pacing the room like an antagonized lion. “And I can take care of you. Your home is in Boston, and I can live by your side, and grow old with you. Can he do any of that? Did you ask him?”
Alexis winced. Trevor had already answered that unspoken question. He wasn’t strong enough, he’d said. He couldn’t risk it. She frowned at the idea that Philip had keyed in on the material point. Even if she wouldn’t let him sacrifice his happiness to be with her, Trevor hadn’t made the move to do it.
“Well?” Philip jabbed her. “What did he say?”
Alexis stared at the floor. Not this place again. Not this familiar fear of losing everything. She teetered at its precipice, looked beyond its gaping black mouth. She would not give in. She moved to Philip who stood rigid along the wall. She gripped his hand in hers. “Please Philip. Understand me. I’m not choosing him over you. Even if Trevor had never happened, I wouldn’t have come back to you. I see now that we both deserve so much more than what we’d get if we married.” She caressed his cheek. “Thank you for loving me so much,” she said, her voice tender.
Philip folded inward, pulling his face from her. He collapsed into a dark silence, his eyes fixed on the floor. Alexis stepped out of his way as he shuffled to the door. His hand reached to the door knob, turned it slowly, the shadows from the hallway already beginning to pull him away. “You’ll regret this one day, Alexis,” he said. “He will break your heart, and you’ll regret this.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The first rooster called and Alexis’ lids pulled heavily over her eyes. It had been the loneliest night she’d ever tossed and turned to. She had never known the body could ache so badly from missing the touch of a lover. It was the emptiness of death. Alexis sat up in bed and drew her knees beneath her chin. She would find him, she decided. It couldn’t be over. They would find a way.
Alexis slithered into an ivy green dress and weaved her hair in to a thick braid. She opened the door and jumped back when she saw the inn keeper with one hand poised to knock. “Oh my God,” Alexis exclaimed, patting her chest.
The inn keeper squeezed her arm, her bright white smile fading as she pulled at the waist line of her wrap skirt. Alexis glimpsed a folded paper emerge. Her heart stilled. The inn keeper pursed her lips in an empathetic pleat and patted Alexis, then disappeared down the hallway, humming as she shuffled along.
The door slammed behind her and she collapsed on her bed. No good could come from a letter from Trevor. Please let it be Philip, she pleaded. She paused in a catatonic silence. Finally, Alexis opened it, the signature gripping her eyes.
Dear Red,
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Leaving you feels like plucking out my heart and living some cruel, empty half-life. But I have known enough of life to see that it is cruel and empty at best.
I love you, Red. It fills me up. But I cannot ask you to stay here with me, nor can I go with you. You don’t belong here, and I certainly don’t belong in Boston. So I’m doing us this favor. It is the path of a coward, but I give myself to it so as not to pull you down with me. I am already gone now.
Get on that boat, Red. Go far away from me. You have my heart.
Trevor
***
Alexis stood on the pier. Her face was pink and moist, her mouth slightly open as she tried to catch her breath. It had been two days since she received the letter. Her father had watched her with worried eyes as his daughter fell deeper and deeper into an unreachable gloom. Nothing animated her, not even his enthusiastic review of her research. She seemed to be waiting.
She was. Not a moment had passed in which the muscles of her body relaxed. All at once she was totally sapped and yet totally incapable of succumbing to rest. She snapped at every noise, craning her head, hoping that her eyes would catch him. Now the ship’s crew was loading her luggage, only minutes standing between her and a chance to find him. There would be no going back.
“Alexis, dear,” Lawrence squeezed her arm. Alexis winced, her glassy eyes widening. “It’s time to go, love.” She stood on her tip toes, bracing herself against her father as she scanned the crowd. Nothing. She felt her chest heave and threaten to explode.
“I can’t,” she practically whimpered.
Lawrence wilted inside. He had never seen her like this before and his heart swelled with sympathy. He knew firsthand what it was like to lose love. He pulled at his mustache and cleared his throat. “I can’t tell you what to do, Alexis. But you have to decide soon. The boat is leaving.”
Alexis chewed ferociously at her lip. Suddenly she remembered Philip the night before he disappeared. His argument to marry him might not have carried her, but she couldn’t deny that he’d been spot on about Trevor. No matter what Trevor offered by way of words, he had left her. He could have found her at any moment, even now on the pier. He was a coward after all, just as his letter said. Alexis cursed him.
“Okay. Let’s go.” Even as she said it, she didn’t quite believe the finality of it. Surely she would turn to board the boat and hear her name. Surely she would see him cutting a path through the fisherman, the women and the children. Her hands gripped the rail as she climbed the ramp, her father gently prodding her from behind. She scurried to the side, her eyes ravaging the crowd. Lawrence stood patiently beside her.
The horn blared and the ship’s crew pulled up the ropes, hopping onto the bow as they pushed away from the dock. He was nowhere to be seen. Alexis felt her face inflame, tears exploding over her cheeks. The Highlands were growing hazy, the lines of the hills less defined. Was he up there, she wondered. Watching her? Alexis clenched her fists. If he felt half as much as she did, how could he dream of letting her go? Her sapphire eyes roiled beneath the shadow of her brow. She could never forgive him for this, she thought. You won’t have to, the cruel voice of her subconscious taunted her. He’s not yours to forgive.
***
“Oh dear,” Tabitha offered finally. The two were seated beside the fireplace, sipping on warm cocoa that Marion had brought in. Even when Tabitha draped her arm protectively around her new friend, Alexis could not wrench her eyes from their unresponsive gaze.
It had been two weeks since her return to Boston. The city was in a deep freeze, the sky sealing the landscape in a lifeless gray. Alexis appreciated nature’s gesture of solidarity to match the state of her spirit. At the gentle persuasion of her father, Alexis had finally found the energy to investigate Tabitha’s whereabouts. Alexis remembered the flash of worry when Tabitha caught sight of her. Her wide blue eyes travelled over the shadows of bruises over her cheek bone, around her neck and along her arms. But she had let out a muffled cry when she saw the vacancy in those eyes.
Tabitha had spent every day at her side in the last week, patient as she listened to
Alexis volunteer the details of her gruesome experience. Alexis told her everything. Everything but Trevor. She had saved him for last. She hadn’t been ready to tell the story, afraid that once she committed it to words it would become history. Until today.
“What did he say in his letter?” she asked, stroking the crimson curls of her friend.
Alexis turned. Her face was ashen. And those eyes. Extinguished. “He said he was doing me a favor. That he didn’t want to prolong something he didn’t think would work out.”
Tabitha let out a soulful breath. “I don’t know what I would have done, Alexis.” She shook her head. “I’d have gone mad.” Instantly she regretted her words. Alexis had, in fact, gone a little mad. Quickly she added, “He doesn’t deserve you if he wasn’t willing to fight for you.”
Alexis frowned. She heard herself say, “No.” She bit her nail. “No, that’s not true. He…he understood me. And I understood him. From the outside I’m sure people might say it would never work out. We spent so much time hating each other. But we were right for each other. It’s like nothing ever made sense before him, and nothing has made sense since.” Alexis stood and moved toward the window. She hardly noticed that her breathing had grown shallow. “With Philip, it was different. In the moment that he asked me to marry him, it felt so right. But almost as soon as I left America, he left me, too. I never thought about him.”
Alexis nodded her head emphatically as if she’d just happened upon some lost truth. She was waving her hands. “What I mean is, I thought I really loved Philip. But it became so patently obvious that he was never right for me. But Trevor. He got underneath my skin the moment we even occupied the same room. And I just can’t imagine a world without him.”