He does not deny it and that cuts deep. I want him to lash out at her, hurt her, like she's done to him. He holds no malice toward her, and I don't understand it.
He takes a step back. Hurt and betrayal etched on his face. “You just have to ruin everything. How about you fix your own problems, and stop worrying about mine for a while. You're more screwed up than I am.” He grabs his jacket and storms out the door.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
~Forgiveness, a Dish Served Reluctantly~
Alisa
I watch him drive away, knowing he's right. I do ruin everything. If something is going great for me, I have to sabotage it somehow. It is a cycle I am very familiar with, but I don't know how to make it stop. It's almost as though I'm not happy unless I'm miserable.
That sounds pretty dysfunctional, and I don't want to be that way anymore. It will always keep coming back to Mr. Roland. I am letting the abuse continue—in my heart, in my mind, in my actions. I'm letting him ruin my life, and my death. I am letting him taint my thoughts, my hopes, and my dreams. Even still.
It has to stop.
Now.
And only I can stop it.
Is Gram right? Do I actually have to forgive the devil incarnate to heal? Do I have to let it go? Let go of the pain, the hate, and the shame—to make him go away? Is that even possible? Honestly, I'm not sure.
There is only one way to find out.
***
It's just like I remember. Dark. Cold. Petrifying. And I am alone. I stand at the gates of hell, the writhing, tormented souls waiting for me in the distance.
I force myself onto the path, force myself to move forward. I watch the ground, not wanting to make a wrong step. I remember how the black grass felt before.
I'm not sure where to find Mr. Roland because he'd found me the last time, but maybe all I have to do is think of him, focus on him, and I will find him... or he'll find me. The thought sends shivers through my soul, and my mind races in fear. I don't want to see him. Ever. But that is why I am here. To face my fears head on. The crushing weight of anticipation grounds me to fine powder, and threatens to shatter my hope into a million pieces. Will I ever be whole again?
I picture his face. The ugliness of his wicked grin, the roughness of his hands. And then... his eyes. Black holes that sucked my life from me little by little, with no feeling, no mercy. He never cared about Natty or me. I am sure he still doesn't. If he is sorry at all, it is because he got caught.
On and on I walk, deeper into the bowls of perdition, deeper into the darkness, the despair. If I had lungs, I would be gasping for breath. If I could sweat, I would be soaked.
And on I walk.
Pitch blackness coats me, so dark I can't see my hands. I'm afraid to go further. What if I get lost? Would anyone save me? Would anyone care?
I stand on that path, in the dark, surrounded by evil, more terrified than I've ever been before. A foul breeze blows, that eerie, sticky substance accumulating on me like before, pulling me down, weariness draining my energy.
“Mr. Roland!” I scream at the top of my voice. All the anguish, all the hopelessness, all the desperation I feel toward him bursts from my mouth with his name. “Mr. Roland. Come here right now!” I wait, my chest heaving, my heart aching, my mind slowly freezing with impotence.
The darkness presses in on me, forcing me to my knees. If he doesn't come soon...
“I'm here.” A dull, raspy whisper.
“I can't see you.”
“I am before you,” he says, limping forward, beaten, miserable, more decrepit than ever before.
I step back, my eyes adjusting, shocked at the anguish in his eyes. Not because I am afraid, but because he looks so... tortured.
“I... I want to... talk to you,” I stammer, unable to tear my gaze away from his. I garner what strength I have left, what courage I can. With no one to help me, all the old feelings of insecurity, shame, and worthlessness rush back—everything he ever did to me, everything he ever made me do, every nasty word he whispered in my ear.
I stand straight and search deep into his soul—which I hadn't realized I'd be able to do. Gone is the authority he ruled with, and with that, gone is my fear of him. “What's happened to you?”
“I'm paying for my sins.” He sinks to the ground, lying like a dog in submission, waiting for me to kick him in the vitals.
I am sorely tempted. “You've done a lot of bad things.”
“More than you know,” he moans, rocking to his side.
I want to say, Good. I'm glad. I hope you're miserable forever. Instead, I ask a simple question. “Why? Why did you hurt me?”
He shakes his head, filthy tendrils of hair swaying back and forth. “I don't know, Alisa. I was stupid. Selfish. I was an evil man.”
“Have you seen Natty?” I ask, curious if she's ever been here to do what I am doing.
“Oh, yes. She comes often,” he rasps. He rolls to his knees, his hands grasping his middle.
“She comes here... often?” I choke out. “Why would she do that?” She hates her dad. Despises him. More than me.
“She forgave me,” he says, bowing his head, holding it like it will explode.
I scowl. That's not right. There is no way she would forgive him.
“Please, Alisa. I'm so sorry. If I could go back and make it right, I would.” He sinks to the ground, sobbing. “I surely would.”
I kneel beside him, not daring to actually touch him. I have to let go, have to give the burden back, give the shame back, give the guilt back, take my life back. The repulsion I feel—which has drowned me, pounded me, suffocated me—begins to morph slowly into something else. Something that fills my heart with foreign emotions.
I begin to see Mr. Rowland clearly.
Poor, pathetic Mr. Roland.
Pity pours from my soul. This wretched creature is stuck here forever, or at least for a very long time. In that moment, a heavy weight lifts inside me, floats for a moment, then shifts up through my shoulders and neck and exits through the top of my head, taking the impossible burning of Mr. Roland with it.
A lightness like I've never felt before mends my being. A joy I can't explain tingles all the way to my fingertips, all the way to my toes. Light explodes from my eyes and I can see everything in that hellish world in grim detail. I feel myself glow, brighter and brighter, and the darkness pulls back, unable to smother me any longer.
I look directly at him. “I forgive you, Mr. Roland. You can't hurt me anymore. You can't hurt anyone, and I honestly hope that someday... someday, you'll be free of your torment.”
“Oh, thank you,” he cries. Great sobs of released anguish erupt from his twisted lips as he lies at my feet writhing, suffering. “You don't know what you've done,” he says. “You don't know.”
I suspect I do know, but I don't say anything. Instead, I leave like a wisp of smoke.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
~A Terrible Weight Lifted~
Alisa
I make my way back to earth, floating on happiness. I can't wait to tell Gram and Natty about my unexpected experience. A terrible burden has been lifted, and I hardly know how to describe my liberation.
But first, I want to tell Brecken. Warmth and love burst through my heart as I picture his beautiful face, knowing I'll be at his side in only a second. My soul tingles in anticipation.
Nothing happens.
Frowning in confusion, I try again. And again. And again. A familiar clutch of fear begins to worm its way inside me. Over and over, I will myself to materialize beside him, and over and over, it fails.
What is wrong? Am I supposed to visit my family instead? The last time I couldn't go to Brecken, my brothers needed me. But which one now? Figuring Derek is the troublemaker, I focus on him. When I open my eyes, I'm a hundred feet above the ground, floating in the blue, cloudless sky.
“What the—” And then it hits me. “No!” I moan in despair. “Not yet!”
As though an umbilical cord is
attached to my belly, I am pulled back to Idir Shaol.
***
“This isn't right! My time isn't up yet!” Impotent fury boils inside me, ready to shoot forth like a geyser of righteous anger at the injustice of it all. They can't do this!
Raphael is back. He sighs and nods his head. “I know it seems unfair, Alisa, but you aren't his permanent guardian, and we feel your attachment to him has become too... serious.”
“My attachment?” I scream. “I'm supposed to be attached to my charge.”
“You know what I mean,” he says. “Being difficult isn't going to change anything.”
“This isn't right,” I cry, beyond frustrated.
“Everything happens for a reason.” He carries a white folder over to his desk. “Brecken must make his own choices. He needs to be responsible for his own life. You helped him see that, and helped him accept his gifts just a little bit more. You gave him confidence to be who he is, and kept him from committing suicide. You were a success!” He smiles and leans against his desk. “Now you can move on to the next level.”
“The next level?” I ask. “Would that be where my Grandmother is?”
“Uh, well, no.” The smile disappears from his face. He sucks in air through his teeth with a pained expression. “It would be to the next level. It takes time to pay for mistakes, Alisa. It's not easy. That's why it's better to atone for our mistakes during life.”
“Gee, Raphael. I'm sorry to hear that,” I say with a touch of venom. “I didn’t realize I had to stop at confession on my way past the pearly gates.”
“Now Alisa. There's no need for disrespect.”
“Arrg!” I stomp toward the door. “I've had it. I'm done here.”
“Wait!” Raphael calls as I am about to slam the office door behind me.
I don't turn around, but I stop, my hand resting on the crystal door handle.
“I know this hurts, Alisa, but there's an important lesson for you in all this. The lesson of letting go.”
I pivot slowly, my eyes boring into his like hot coals. “Letting go? The lesson of letting go?” I step toward him methodically. “You have no idea what I've been through. You have no idea what I've just experienced. Is anyone actually in charge up here?” I don't care if I'm being disrespectful or not. I don't care about the consequences. What more can they do to me? What could be worse than being ripped from my family or blocked from Brecken? No other torture can compare. The two things I want most are gone. The fact that I recently visited Mr. Roland in Hell doesn't even enter my mind.
“I think you need some time alone,” he states.
Shaking my head in disgust, I flee the room, hot tears that can never fall, burning behind my eyes.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
~Reunited~
Alisa
I sit on a lonely hillside outside of Idir Shaol, a carpet of soft, green grass surrounding me. Birds flit through the nearby trees, singing gleefully. It is a beautiful spot. Any normal person would be thrilled to be here. But all I want is to be back on Earth.
A sob tears through my throat as I bury my head in my knees. I have to get back. I just have to. I can’t stay here, knowing my job isn't finished. How can Raphael think it is? Everything inside me screams to go back, that Brecken is in imminent danger.
Not being able to stand the beauty and peace another moment, I picture the park where I used to play as a child. I might not be able to see my family or Brecken, but maybe I can get close.
Luck is on my side. I shimmer into sight next to the park's tall, metal swing-set with the familiar blue plastic seats where Natty and I used to have our best conversations. I reach out and grasp the chain; a million memories fill my mind. I sit in one and imagine myself flying up to the sky and back, my feet outstretched, my stomach doing a roller coaster twist.
The only thing that could make the moment more perfect would be Natty sitting right next to me. A moment later, I hear her soft chuckle.
“I love how that works,” I say, knowing she's here, only because I want it so bad.
“Me too.”
“You sound content,” I say with a hint of jealously.
“I am, Lis. I'm so happy, and it won't be long until you're with me.”
“Long in whose eyes?” I shake my head. Time on Earth is nothing like time in the afterlife. The two have nothing in common. Everything takes an eternity now.
“Aw. It'll go by fast. You'll see.” She leans back, her short, wispy blonde hair glowing like a golden halo.
“Nat, I need your help.” I say, leaning back too.
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Sure. That's why I'm here.” She sits up straight, and smiles that beautiful, wide smile I love. “Your wish is my command.”
“Yeah, right. That's what everyone says. I haven't had any wishes come true so far.”
“You haven't?” she asks, perplexed. “What about getting to see your Gram? What about being able to let go of the pain my father caused you? What about finally falling in love?”
“Uh... ”
“See?” she says. “Lots of good things have happened to you. But you want me to help you break the rules and sneak back into Brecken's life, right?”
“Yeah.” She makes it sound so awful, so illegal.
“Ah, l'amore,” she whispers with a sigh. “How often do we find true love? In life or death?”
“It's keeping it after death that concerns me,” I say. “I can't just leave it like this. Brecken and I parted on bad terms and I really feel I should fix it. I'm sure he's worried and wonders where I am. Maybe he thinks I've abandoned him. Left him on purpose. That I've dumped him. I can't do that. I can't have him think I'm angry for the rest of his life.”
“Didn't he say good-bye, Alisa?” She watches me with that gaze again, the one where I can't hide any secrets. Not that I want to.
“Well, yeah, but he doesn't mean it. He doesn't understand.”
“I know,” she says sadly. “Most humans don't. We don't figure anything out until later, until we're dead.”
“Please, Natty,” I beg, turning to my best friend in all the world. My sister. My only hope. “There's got to be something you can do.”
“Well, there is one thing,” she says in a lighthearted, singsong voice.
I jump down and grab the chain of her swing. “There is?” Hope and happiness flood through me. I knew she'd be able to help.
“I can take you one last time to say good-bye. They'll let me do that. At least I'm pretty sure they will.”
“Oh, Natty. I love you!” I throw my arms around her and listen to her peals of laughter.
“Come on, before it's too late.” She grabs my hand, closes her eyes, and purses her lips. She looks so cute while concentrating. I close my eyes too, her hand tight in mine. A moment later, we are there, at Brecken's front door. His motorcycle parked in the driveway. He's home! I run forward, forgetting Natty is even with me.
“Is someone visiting?” she asks from behind.
I turn to answer and stop cold in my tracks. Parked on the curb is a shiny black Mercedes Benz. “Oh no!” I hurry through the front door, not bothering to wait for Natty. Brecken isn’t in the living room. I search the kitchen and even the bathroom, but no Brecken. “He must be downstairs.”
I shoot through the floor and straight into his basement bedroom. Only one lamp glows in the corner. Brecken sits on his bed, Jill beside him. He holds her hand as tears course down her porcelain cheeks.
“Oh, Breck,” she hiccups. “I'm so... so lonely. Please... I love you so much.”
Instantly, my gag reflex triggers and my suspicion of Jill's ability to lie hits the Richter scale. “Please tell me you aren't falling for that,” I say.
Brecken's head snaps up and he looks right at me. His eyes narrow as he takes me in, my white dress, the glow of my aura, the pleading in my eyes. I wait for him to say something, but instead of being happy to see me, he seems flustered.
Okay
, granted. I shouldn't have started our very last conversation the way I did, but seeing Jill holding his hand... Jealously courses through me, her being able to feel the heat of his body when I can't. More than anything, I want it to be me he holds and comforts.
I shake my head in regret. “I'm sorry, Brecken. I didn't mean that,” I move to sit next to him.
Jill continues to rattle on. I completely ignore her. “I'm being sent back to... uh, heaven. I can't be your guardian anymore.” I bow my head, but look up quickly. I don't want to waste the time we have together not watching his face. I search deep into his eyes, deep into his soul, memorizing every line, every crease, every eyelash, and every expression.
“What?” He leaps from the bed, leaving Jill stunned. It's a priceless picture. “Why?”
“Why?” Jill asks. “Isn't it obvious? We're meant to be together, Brecky. Please come with me for just a little while. I really want to show you something.”
“Because they said my job here is done. You passed the test, I guess. I tried to talk them out of it, but they won't listen to me.”
Brecken's gaze flickers from Jill to me, and then to Natty. “Who's that?”
Jill's face clouds over with darkness. Her eyes close to slits, and hate radiates from her as her lips pull back into a feral snarl. “Who are you talking to now, Brecken? Cuz it's obviously not me.”
Brecken turns to Jill, his eyes begging for understanding. “Umm, I need some time alone. Why don't you go home and I'll be over later. Okay?”
“No,” she answers. “That's not okay.”
“This is my last good-bye,” I say, hoping he'll make Jill leave. “I won't ever... see you—” A sob breaks from my aching heart and I cover my face with trembling hands.
“Tell me it isn't true,” he says, reaching, his hands brushing though me as though I am only made of smoke. My spirit ripples, and then stills. “I'm not ready to say good bye. We need more time.”
“I know.”
Jill moves so she's standing before Brecken, her hands digging in her pocket, her face a mask of rage, her eyes as cold as lake frost. “This is going to end right now,” she says with deadly calm.
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