by James Maxey
“Which is why I don’t look at Twitter,” said Smash Lass. “The world’s not perfect but I recognize the tremendous opportunity I’ve been given to try to change it for the better. I’m an African American with an alternative sexuality and little girls buy my posters by the truckload. The world is getting better by the day.”
“Better for your bank account, at least,” said Jenny.
“I give it all to charity,” said Smash Lass. “I don’t need the dough. My daddy’s rich, remember?”
I noticed Reverend Rifle hadn’t chimed in on this discussion of homosexuality. He looked lost in thought, and not good thoughts. Was it guilt I was seeing on his face? Did he feel responsible for this whole fucked up mess?
A few minutes later, the sub broke the surface. In the distance, the late night skyline of New York City was a mass of indistinct lights. As we watched, the lights on the east side of the island went dark. This was followed by a huge fireball rising into the sky.
“I think I know where to look for the Doom Raptor,” I said.
Smash Lass put the pedal to the floor, assuming there was a pedal. I didn’t have a very good view of the controls where I sat. We zoomed forward so fast it felt like my organs were pressed onto my spine.
“Why’s she doing this?” asked Elsa Where. “What can Technosaur possibly want to accomplish with her attack?”
“If you build a giant dinosaur with laser eyes, you’ve got to test drive it somewhere,” I said, grabbing the back of Smash Lass’s seat and digging my fingers in to keep from getting thrown around as she veered to avoid a ship. It was still a few hours before dawn and large ships kept looming out of the darkness, difficult to spot until we were right on top of them.
“Technosaur wants to wipe out the human race so she can repopulate the planet with her own species,” said Jenny. “Apparently there’s a big vault of eggs for her species in suspended animation in a hidden city on the moon.”
“Every time you say stuff like that it makes my toes curl,” I said. “That is some prime grade supervillain weirdness. You gotta love it.”
“Maybe instead of geeking out we figure out how this attack gets her closer to her goal,” said Elsa Where. “She’ll kill a lot of people with this attack but it’s not going to put the human race in any real danger. So, why here? Why now?”
“Maybe because now is when she was able to find a sucker dumb enough to get her into the vault,” said Reverend Rifle. “How could she have fooled me? I’ve known Kracker for years and I didn’t notice he’d been replaced? This is all my fault.”
“Thank you for saying that,” I said. “I was worried it was my fault. You heard him ladies. I’m not to blame.”
“We can play the blame game later,” said Jenny. “It’s not like we chose a bad option over a good option in breaking into the vault. Every choice was full of downsides.”
By now we were coming up on the tip of Manhattan. I didn’t have a map to consult, and had only come here once as a tourist back when I had the ring that made me look human. I remembered there was a big park next to the Staten Island Ferry. It looked like the Doom Raptor had come ashore here. Off to the right was a row of tall buildings. Those looked intact, but all the lights were off. Behind these buildings, we could see flames. It looked like the Doom Raptor was heading right up the center of the island, which, if memory served meant she was marching along Wall Street.
The sub pulled up to the seawall next to Battery Park and the plastic dome over us slid back. Smash Lass grabbed Elsa Where and jumped to the top of the wall in a single bound. Jenny wrapped her arms around my neck and I climbed with her, while Reverend Rifle used his grapplebot. The night was a weird mix of quiet and cacophony. Our immediate surroundings had the peace of a seashore in early morning, with the wind whispering softly across the waves. The local silence provided a chilling backdrop for the distant sound of breaking glass and the crash and clang of steel beams hitting pavement. Countless sirens wailed like a chorus of banshees.
“Let’s hope that shrink ray works,” said Smash Lass.
“You think we’ll need it?” I asked. “I mean, you knocked this thing down before.”
“Yeah, but the first time the robot was wading through a river, so knocking it over didn’t do any collateral damage,” said Smash Lass. “If I knock it over now, I might take out a neighboring skyscraper. First, do no harm.”
“That’s for doctors,” I said.
“Here’s the new plan,” said Smash Lass. “I’ll get Elsa Where on top of the Doom Raptor.”
“How’s that going to help?”
“I’ve been expanding my light bending repertoire,” said Elsa Where. “Get me close enough to the eye lasers and I can scatter the beams harmlessly. As a side effect, we can also blind Technosaur, assuming she’s using cameras in the eyes to steer this thing.”
“Is a blind giant robot on the rampage really an improvement?” I asked.
“That’s why the three of you will get to the first building you can find that still has lights and get that shrink ray powered up,” said Smash Lass.
“What kind of range do you think this thing has?” asked the reverend.
“No idea,” said Smash Lass. “Maybe not much. The Micro-Bandit mostly used it on items at point blank range.”
“You won’t need me to set up the gun,” said Jenny. “I’ve got other skills that will be more useful.”
“Don’t try to set the Doom Raptor on fire,” said Smash Lass. “It’s dangerous enough without being a 300 foot tall walking torch.”
“I know that,” said Jenny. “But first responders are going to have their hands full. I’ve got full EMT training through the Legion. I can help with the injured.”
“You could also run away the second you’re out of sight,” said Elsa Where.
“Go,” said Smash Lass, ignoring the objection.
Jenny sprinted off. I wondered what the odds were of seeing her again any time soon. With her espionage background, she might see a certain value in staying out of the clutches of the Legion, especially if I was going to wind up as a prisoner after things settled down. When the cops had taken me in following Val’s death, I really hadn’t been guilty of anything other than defending myself. Now, my culpability in turning the Doom Raptor loose upon the city would probably get me locked up for life.
“You’ve got your assignments,” said Smash Lass, scooping Elsa Where into her arms. “Don’t mess this up.” With that, she jumped toward the nearest building, reaching the roof.
“You need me to carry you?” I asked the reverend. “I can move through the city pretty fast.”
“Try to keep up,” he said, digging into his duster and pulling out one of his rocket pogo sticks.
“Got one of those I could use?” I asked.
“My coat only has so many pockets,” he said, before sailing over the skyline on an arc of fire.
I took off after him. The streets were full of rubble and visibility on the ground was pretty much zero due to all the dust and smoke. I climbed the first intact building I could find, trying to get above the mess, and caught a glimpse of the Doom Raptor in the distance. It didn’t look like she’d toppled any buildings. Mostly she’d smashed up the facades of buildings, leaving their interiors exposed like dollhouses filled with the worst toys imaginable, miniature cubicles and office chairs. I squinted, trying to make sense of shadows swooping around in the smoke and realized that a swarm of vulture-sized pterosaurs were flying in and out of the opened buildings, emerging with jaws filled with papers and computers dangling from cables. Only about one building in seven had been opened up. The destruction didn’t look random. Maybe data theft was on Technosaur’s agenda more than mindless destruction? What kind of insider stock tips would an ancient dinosaur woman need?
As I pondered, I saw the Doom Raptor turn her eyes toward the sleek glass front of a bank tower. Twin white beams lit up the sky, causing the front of the building to explode. Just as quickly, the bright lights f
izzled into a luminous rainbow encircling the Doom Raptor’s face. Atop the robot’s skull, I made out two moving specks that had to be Smash Lass and Elsa Where.
I’d taken note of the trajectory of the reverend’s rocket and could narrow down his potential landing sites to a couple of buildings. The skyscrapers here were densely packed, so I made good time as I travelled the rooftops. I finally spotted Reverend Rifle about five roofs away, on a building that must have had its own generators since the lights were still on. I saw the reverend kneeling next to what looked like a heating unit.
A few leaps and bounds later and I was by his side. Behind me, I heard the sound of shattering glass and looked back to see the Doom Raptor lashing its tail wildly. Smash Lass was still next to Elsa, batting away the pterosaurs that swarmed her. I ducked as Mica’s punch sent a mangled bot zooming past my head from three blocks away.
The reverend had the front panel of the HVAC leaning to one side and was digging around among the wiring with a screwdriver and pliers. He pulled out two thick insulated cables with big copper wires exposed at the ends.
“Hold these,” he said. “Don’t get the tips close to one another.”
“Got it,” I said, taking the cables.
He turned his attention to the shrink ray, opening the bottom of the handle and shining a small flashlight into the guts. He frowned.
“Something wrong?” I asked.
He shook his head as the pulled alligator clamps from his belt. “The micro-bandit wasn’t kind enough to mark the positive and negative terminals.”
“If we hook it up wrong will we fry the circuits?”
He held the flashlight between his teeth while fastening the alligator clips and said, “Uh e ah uh.”
“That’s informative,” I said.
He finished hooking up his clamps and took the flashlight from his mouth. “I said we’ll trust in prayer.”
“Is it too late to hire an electrician who isn’t faith-based—woah!” I ducked as another broken bot tumbled past my head.
About this time, Technosaur must have realized the pterosaurs were never going to shake off Smash Lass and decided on a more direct strategy. The Doom Raptor eyed the biggest building on the street and rammed her forehead directly into the glass front. The strategy must have worked, because the luminous rainbow blocking the laser eyes vanished. White hot beams left an arc of flames across the surrounding buildings as the giant robot balanced herself once more.
The thing was only a block away. We’d be vaporized if it looked at us. The reverend ignored the danger, calmly taking the wire from my left hand and hooking it to an alligator clamp. He swallowed hard as he took the wire from my right hand. “Lord,” he said, “If it be your will, spare us from electrocution.”
He clipped onto the second wire. The shaft of the shrink ray lit up like a lava lamp. The reverend let out a long, steady breath. “Thank you Lord.”
He lifted the gun and took aim. When he pulled the trigger, the gun sounded like it was full of slide whistles and the air before us exploded into a multitude of triangular mirrors stretching out a few dozen feet, fading to darkness before it reached the Doom Raptor.
“We’re out of range,” he said.
“Do we even know it’s working?” I asked.
The Doom Raptor turned her head toward us. I suspected she’d seen the light show.
The reverend tugged at the wires. “We can’t get the gun closer. What can we do to get that thing nearer?”
“Duck!” I said, though I didn’t really give him the chance to act before I dove onto him, pressing him to the rooftop. There was a sizzling sound over our heads and the whole rooftop lit up like the sky was filled with lightning.
I rolled off him and said, “She doesn’t have to get close as long as she can kill us by looking at us.”
From below, we heard glass shatter as the Doom Raptor blasted the front of the building we stood on. The whole structure shuddered as smoke rolled around us.
The next thing I knew, a dozen pterosaurs swooped out of the smoke and came right at us. I grabbed one that swooped close and used it to bat away a couple of its siblings, then tossed the twisted body toward the rev.
“Zap it!” I said. “Let’s see if the gun even works!”
The reverend saw the value of the idea and targeted the broken robot while it was still in the air, even though I was pretty close to where he was aiming. All around me, the world exploded into broken mirrors.
Chapter Fourteen
One Favor
WHEN THE MIRRORS shimmered away, my first thought was that the gun had misfired. Not only was the pterosaur tiny, the entire city had shrunk. The roof of the building I’d been standing on was now so small that my feet hung over the edge. I swung my arms for balance, then hopped down into a city where the tips of skyscrapers were at my eye level. Even the Doom Raptor had shrunk until she was barely taller than me. I saw Smash Lass and Elsa Where burst through the roof door of a building nearby. They looked no bigger than bugs.
I looked back at the building where I’d been standing. The reverend was dangling from the ledge. The HVAC unit we’d hooked into for power was completely flattened.
I grabbed the reverend before he fell, dropping him back onto the roof and said, “Did we put too much power into the gun? We’ve made everything tiny but me.”
“I must have reversed the polarity,” the reverend shouted back. “Nothing got tiny. You got big!”
“Ah,” I said. That made more sense. Before I could ask follow up questions, my shoulders caught fire. “Aaaah!” I screamed, spinning around, as the Doom Raptor’s laser vision scorched an arc across my torso.
Instinctively, I swung hard at the Doom Raptor, landing a good, solid punch to the jaw. The big robot stumbled sideways, into the building where Smash Lass and Elsa Where raced across the roof toward him. The whole building swayed under the Doom Raptor’s weight. Windows up and down the length of the building shattered in waves. The building rebounded, tossing Elsa Where and Smash Lass into empty air.
I reached for them, cupping my hands to form a safe place for them to land. Elsa rolled like an acrobat, bouncing back to her feet. Smash Lass didn’t land as gracefully, doing a full face plant into the heel of my palm. She rose seconds later, none the worse for wear.
“Nice save,” Smash Lass called out to me.
“Yeah,” said Elsa Where. “Good catch.” I was surprised by her tone. She didn’t sound even a little sarcastic.
Neither of them asked why I was suddenly thirty stories tall, or even seemed particularly fazed by it. After you’ve been in the Lawful Legion a little while, the impossible becomes mundane.
The Doom Raptor recovered her balance and turned her burning gaze toward me once again. Elsa Where raised her hands, and the lasers fizzled out in a glowing fog of photons.
“Take ‘em, Teen Brigade!” Smash Lass shouted. “Elsa, get on Harry’s shoulder! Shield him from the lasers. Harry, get the Doom Raptor back out into the harbor before it does more damage!”
“On it,” I said, placing Elsa on my shoulder then running forward to grab the Doom Raptor in a gorilla hug. “What will you do?”
“I’m taking the fight inside!” Smash Lass cried, as she leapt straight at the Doom Raptor’s face. She climbed into its left nostril, before being washed back out in a torrent of yellow-green slime.
“Well that’s disgusting,” said Elsa, as Smash Lass dropped toward the pavement far below.
I was too busy wrestling the Doom Raptor to catch Mica and hoped she was tough enough to survive the landing. Despite our similarity of sizes, I was flesh and bone and the Doom Raptor was made of steel. Trying to push it back was like trying to push a bulldozer.
Luckily, while I wasn’t strong enough to pick up a bulldozer, Smash Lass was. She leapt from the crater she’d made in the street, grabbing hold of my back hairs, flinging herself up onto my shoulder, then jumping forward to punch the Doom Raptor hard between the eyes. The metallic skin r
ippled like liquid as the blow caused the robot to stumble backward. I let out a loud growl and dug into the pavement with all the strength I had in me, pushing the Doom Raptor back, block by block, out of the center of the financial district.
Smash Lass was still standing on the Doom Raptor’s head, studying the big crack in the metal plates where she punched it. She grabbed the torn metal and peeled it apart with a ripping sound, revealing a network of support bars. She tore the bars and tossed them away, digging deeper, vanishing into the dark interior of the giant robot. Technosaur must have been distracted by the break-in because the Doom Raptor more or less stopped struggling. I pushed it faster and faster, clearing the last of the really big buildings, before shoving it down into the waters of the Hudson River. It landed on its back, sending a mini-tidal wave crashing into the shore.
The Doom Raptor lay still amid the churning water, smoke rising from the open jaws. The eye lasers sputtered to darkness.
“Woohoo!” Elsa Where shouted, right in my ear.
I’d been in the superhero business long enough to know what was coming next. When the villain stops throwing all they’ve got at you, they’re about to make an escape. I jumped into the river, straddling the Doom Raptor. The command center had to be in the head, so that was where the escape module would fire from. Sure enough, the Doom Raptor’s left eye bulged outward. With a pop, it came free of its socket, shooting skyward, driven by antigravity engines.
Fast as it was, I proved faster. I snatched it from the air. At my current size, it was no bigger than a tennis ball.
“Yes!” Elsa Where called out.
My hand started to shimmer with triangular mirrors.
“Great,” I said, feeling my skin tingle. The Micro-Bandit’s scaling rays weren’t permanent.
The next thing I knew, I was normal sized again. Unfortunately, I shrank toward my center mass, which meant I found myself falling from at least a hundred feet up in the air. Elsa Where screamed over my head. She’d been standing on my shoulder so she had even further to fall. We both dropped as Technosaur’s escape-eye zoomed into the dark sky overhead, swiftly followed by the remaining pterosaurs.