by Gia Riley
Alex comes barreling into the room which leads to another full blown meltdown. I don’t know who called him or what was said but he is all I need in this moment. He sits down beside me on the couch and pulls me onto his lap. His arms secure me into his protective embrace. Continuing to cry, he whispers sweet words in my ear as he slowly rocks me like a child. I hear Alex telling Sean to give us a few minutes alone and I’m incredibly thankful to have my best friend beside me who understands me so well, knowing exactly what I need.
“He’s gone, Alex. I never even got to tell him I loved him. He left this Earth and was all alone. If I wouldn’t have gotten stuck here late and if he wasn’t done early, none of this would have even happened. It just doesn’t make sense. We were supposed to be at his house right now. Together. I don’t even know what happened. They briefed us saying it was a car accident.”
“Baby girl, he knew you loved him, don’t second guess that for a second. He could feel that every time he was around you. Your smile, your eyes, your laugh, all those things showed him your love. He didn’t need the actual words. Never question his love for you either. It was written all over his face how much he cared about you. As for what happened, he was hit by a car in the alley near his house. The driver never saw him crossing and hit him. It was an accident, Hallie. They thought he was a passenger until they got the story straight from the driver. He left this world with a heart full of your love.”
I cry harder after hearing the facts. I’m mad at him for walking every day when I warned him it was dangerous, but I’m even more upset that I can’t tell him how I feel ever again. There will never be a day I can watch airplanes fly over us again. No more silly ringtones when he calls me. He’ll never say my name or tell me I’m his pretty girl. Everything I was in love with is gone.
The door to the room opens and Dr. Kirk walks in looking equally distraught. “Hallie, I just wanted to talk with you for a minute. Is that okay?” Slowly I lift my head off Alex’s shoulder and turn my head to face him. I can tell he was crying. “Yeah, I’m listening,” I say.
“Hallie, I tried to save him. I want you to know that. He lost too much blood and his head hit the windshield pretty hard. He had severe internal injuries that were too much for his body to recover from.”
“Dr. Kirk, you’re the best doctor in this ER. I get it. Can I see him?” I should probably thank him for his efforts or something but I definitely feel no semblance of thanks right now. Anger, yes. Gratitude, not so much.
“You can in a few minutes. His family’s in the other room next door if you want to speak with them. I’m also removing you from the schedule for the next two weeks. I know there isn’t a set amount of time that will help you bounce back from this, but take the time off to grieve and come back to us when you’re ready. It’s going to be tough to walk in here after what just took place. If you need help, please ask for it. Sean or any of the rest of us are here to help you. Don’t be too hard on him and talk to him. It usually helps.” He gives my hand a squeeze, stands up and heads back to work. I lay my head back on Alex’s shoulder.
“Hallie. Do you want to go talk to his family while you wait? Maybe it’ll help to be around others who know how you’re feeling.” His voice is calming and soothing, careful not to push me too far or ask too much of me. “There’s no use, Alex. I never even met them. I’m just as much of a stranger to them as they are to me. They don’t know what I feel anyway. Hell, I’m not sure even I know.”
“I know it seems that way, Hal but you both loved him. That’s something you all have in common. It connects you. Forever.”
“Yeah, we all loved him and I never told him. They probably told him a million times but me, I never got to. Do you know why? Because I was afraid it was too soon. Can you believe how stupid I am? Now it’s too late. I messed it all up. Alex, I don’t think I can do forever without him.”
I FINALLY GET THE GREEN LIGHT to see Ryan, several hours too late. Angry at myself for not being able to help him, I cry. Not only do I cry for me, I cry for every memory we’ve made and all the ones that would never be. Those would be dreams instead. Dreams that would never come true. There’s no future, only a past; every minute of which I felt so alive. How do I tell my heart it can no longer have the one thing it wants? There are no switches to make your heart agree with your mind.
Standing next to his bed, I hold his cool hand. I’ve seen people pass before, right in front of my eyes, but never have I been in love with one of them. There are no emotions that can truly convey how I’m feeling. I’m hollow and alone. I definitely feel that, but what scares me the most is picking my life back up without him in it. Not only does that make me feel guilty, it makes me feel more sadness than I knew existed. There’s only one Ryan and he can’t be mine anymore. I just want my Ryan back.
ALEX FINALLY ENDS UP CONVINCING me to leave the hospital once the funeral director arrives for Ryan’s body. I refused to leave Ryan lying there all alone. He cautiously reminded me Ryan is already in Heaven. Maybe that was supposed to make me feel better, but it only reminded me that he wasn’t coming back.
The walk to my car is memory filled. We took the elevator so I wouldn’t have to walk up the stairs and be reminded of what took place there a short time ago. I assure Alex I’m okay to drive but he won’t let me anyway. He tells me he’s staying with me tonight and to stop worrying. He has my keys so I head right to the passenger side. Not paying attention, I patiently wait for him to unlock the car. There’s no reason to rush, nothing is waiting for me. Not even sleep. I briefly see Alex fumble with something on the front of the car and curse.
“Alex, open the door. I’m tired and want to go home.”
“I am. Hold on.” I see him shielding something from my view. Knowing my luck, I probably got a ticket or something. I find that hard to believe being in the parking garage though. Unless they didn’t see my parking tag.
“What is that?” I ask.
“What is what?”
“Alex, what’s in your hand? Let me see. Did I get a ticket?”
“No baby girl. It’s not a ticket. It’s nothing. Let’s go.” His eyes are pleading with me to drop this but something in my gut tells me to ask him one more time.
“What. Is. It. Stop messing with me.” He hands me a piece of paper.
Done early. I still want you to stay with me tonight. Come see me, pretty girl. I’ll wait up. You were swamped tonight. This should make it all better.
Love, Ryan.
Alex hands me a Cadbury milk chocolate bar. The tears come with no effort at all. My heart aches at his sweet sentiment and for always trying to make sure I was happy. Reality hits and I begin to hyperventilate.
“Hallie, breathe. Please calm down. I shouldn’t have shown you.” Alex holds me and rubs my back. He doesn’t get it. This is about so much more than just the damn chocolate.
“It’s all my fault. He died because he came up here to put this on my car. I did this to him, to us.” I say between gasps of breath as the tears continue to flood down my face soaking my shirt.
“You can’t really believe that, Hallie. Nothing about this is anyone’s fault. It was a tragic accident. It is an accident. Let me take you home.” He opens my car door and tries to get me inside but I don’t budge from my spot on the cold concrete floor.
“He never would have been in that alley at that exact moment if he would have gone straight home. He went to the cafeteria to buy the chocolate, then came up here to put it on my car. I made him get home later. I did this, Alex. Me!” I sob into his chest barely able to get my words out. My throat is raw, my eyes are bright red and puffy. The realization that this sweet gesture is what killed him, makes me physically sick. Standing away from Alex I heave and gag. With nothing left inside my stomach, it’s painful but this pain I can deal with. I slither down against the rough concrete blocks holding up the parking garage and sit on the oil slicked ground next to my car. Physically giving up and mentally checking out, Alex takes my limp body in h
is arms, places me in the car and we head home. Without him, I would have sat there all night in complete filth without giving a shit.
I can’t turn my brain off on the ride home. I simply clutch my note and chocolate bar like they are the answer to all the world’s problems. My last physical connections to him are these objects. For whatever reason, they make me feel close to him. He held this same paper. His handwriting is on it. In my fragile mind, we’re still touching. Alex let’s me sit in silence with no attempt to convince me tonight’s events were anything other than a misfortunate event.
He knows I won’t believe him.
THE ABILITY TO RATIONALIZE HAS left my body. Tanner is waiting at the door when Alex brings me home. Both men have to practically force me to take a shower when we get inside. Once again, the little bit of control I have over my connection with Ryan remains tied to the clothes I have on, the feeling of his skin in my hand as I begged him to come back to me and my treasure from the car. If I take a shower, I will wash away the connection I feel. Tanner finally convinces me to step inside and turn the water on. I cry the entire time I watch the dirty water swirl down the drain on the shower floor.
I slip into the sweats and t-shirt left for me on counter next to the sink. Merely going through the motions, I finish dressing and head to my room. I take one look at my cell phone on my nightstand and feel my throat closing up. Crawling into bed, Alex is next to me pulling the covers over my cold body. I lay my head on his chest and he holds me, stroking my hair in a comforting gesture of friendship. I watch Tanner put a glass of water on my bedside table before he goes out to the couch to rest. Alex is already softly snoring as soon as his head hits the pillow, letting me know he’s asleep. I don’t blame him for passing out. Sleep doesn’t come as easily for me. I can’t stop thinking about my phone as I roll on my side staring at the night stand. I grab it and dash to the bathroom, closing the door and sitting on the fluffy rug in front of the tub.
I dial Ryan’s number and it goes to voicemail on the first ring. Someone must have turned his phone off. How symbolic. His voice comes on telling me he can’t get to the phone and to leave him a message. This is the same thing everyone says on their voicemail, but hearing him say it is like hearing the words for the first time ever. I lie down on my side, close my eyes, and play the message over and over. I never leave one of my own, until the very last time I call him for the night. “Ryan, I love you. Thank you for loving me. You loved me right? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”
I roll my body into a tight ball, clutching my phone to my chest and close my eyes. I pray he calls me back proving this was all a nightmare. Knowing he won’t, I pray he still loves me as I pass out from complete exhaustion unsure of what tomorrow will bring.
I WAKE UP TO THE sound of what I can only assume is a very pissed off Alex. “Hallie! Do you hear me? Open the goddamn door now! You have two more seconds before I kick it the fuck down. Hallie!”
Knowing my two seconds are going to be up before I even move I yell to him something along the lines of shut the fuck up. He’s been good to me and doesn’t deserve my attitude but I just need some space right now. I hear Tanner calming Alex down on the other side of the door. “Just please open the door,” he begs.
My body is aching all over, my mouth is dry and I can barely see through my swollen eyes. My phone is still firmly within my grasp. I splash some freezing cold water on my face and unlock the door. Alex’s eyes immediately fill with pity as he looks me up and down, inspecting me for damage.
“I’m fine.”
“Please tell me you didn’t sleep on the bathroom floor all night long. Why did you get out of bed?”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Alex. I’m a grown adult. Who gives a shit where I sleep? You can leave now. Thanks for everything.” I know I was wrong for sleeping on the floor and telling him my reasoning would only make me sound like a crazy person. So, I do the only thing I know how to do, push him away. Maybe if I piss him off enough, he’ll stop giving a shit and we can all live happily ever after in this fucked up fairytale.
“I’ll go, but not because I don’t care about you. You better believe I’ll be back later, too. I won’t let your words hurt me right now, because I know you’re in pain. Spend the day in bed. Yell, kick, scream, break some shit if it helps. Because, I swear to God Hallie, I will not give up on you.” The front door shuts rather dramatically and I take that as my cue to jump back in bed with my phone.
I’M LUCKY WORK HAS BEEN so understanding of my loss and granted me time off to get myself back in one piece. Most employers only give a few days, but when you work in the ER, they need you to be at your best one hundred percent of the time. My mind has been entirely too preoccupied with the funeral to have someone’s life placed in my hands.
Speaking of the funeral, it was beautiful. I never really understood why people used that particular adjective to describe such a horrific event. Having been through Ryan’s funeral¸ I get it now. Between the readings, blessings and musical selections, he was sent off to Heaven in complete peace. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing exactly what his afterlife might be like. I picture him sitting on the edge of a beautiful waterfall, playing his guitar while catching up with those who have passed before him. His gifts will continue to bless those around him for eternity. Once all of my tears dry up, I say a silent prayer asking for strength and for him to watch over me. I’d like to believe I have my very own guardian angel.
That thought alone is what helps me get through the next few days and weeks as I continue hiding from the world and sleeping. Alex stops by every day and calls often. I eat when he tells me to and get in the shower when he says I look like hell. I feel like things with Alex are a ticking time bomb. He looks at me with pity and sits with me when I cry, wiping the tears from my face. Thing is, I don’t want his pity. Nothing he can say or do will make Ryan come back. I know this, he knows this. I even know what a shitty friend I’m being to him, but I have to want to change, and I don’t. I’ve accepted this is how my life is meant to continue.
WORKS STARTS UP AGAIN TOMORROW. I’ve been in contact with Dr. Kirk and my supervisor, Jennifer. Both of them have been nothing short of amazing with their kindness and compassion. They have decided to ease me back into the ER slowly so my mind and body have time to adjust to the fast paced environment as well as the emotions that are bound to flood my system the moment I enter the hospital. My family told me I didn’t have to go back, that there were plenty of other opportunities that would be just as fulfilling for me. I told them I would go back and give it a shot and if it was too much, I’d quit and move on. Feeling satisfied with my answer, everyone backed off and agreed it was a good decision.
Alex and Tanner are staying with me again tonight thanks to the nightmares that have been wedging their way into my only safe place. Sleep is where I go to forget; only now, Ryan is showing up there too. To say I’m exhausted is putting it lightly, but since we haven’t had one of our Chinese take-out and movie nights in what feels like forever, we decide to give it a go tonight. I want to show both of them I can function like a normal person even if I’m not so sure. In an effort to live again, we spend the night watching A League of their Own on DVD, stuff our faces with Chinese and drift off to sleep in a food coma.
I wake up after a particular horrifying dream wrapped in Tanner’s arms as he rocks me back and forth telling me I’m okay. “He was here, Tanner. He came to see me. Am I losing my mind? I’m not right?” I ask.
Alex comes in and kisses me on the cheek. “Hallie, it’s okay. It was just a dream. You’re fine. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Not really. It was just a dream. I know he’s in Heaven now, not in my room. You believe in Heaven, right, Alex?”
“Of course I do. He’s there looking down on you, telling you to be brave. Maybe that’s why he’s showing up in your dreams, so you know he’s okay and can let him go,” he tells me. The tears start before I can even get a response out. How c
an my best friend expect me to let him go so fast? Out of everyone, I expected him to understand. “You don’t get it, either. If I let him go, then he doesn’t exist, Alex. He’s gone from my heart, my memory, everything. That’s not okay with me. Not now, not ever,” I sob.
“Listen to me, Hallie. Letting yourself be happy isn’t loving him less. Ryan will live in your memory forever. There isn’t a chance in hell you will ever forget him, but you need to let your heart off the hook. That means putting all of your pain into something you love. Do something for him; let the world know all the passion you have inside of you. Sing for him, Hallie. Put everything that is in your heart, into a song you can sing just for Ryan. Let yourself heal.”
Looking into his eyes, I can tell he only wants the best for me. “I thought I was healing.”
“Do you really believe that, Hallie? That this is the best you can do, barely existing and crying all day. You haven’t seen the sunshine in weeks. You haven’t seen your friends, gone anywhere or done anything other than sit inside this house and pretend. I don’t mean to be harsh, baby girl, but I want my best friend back. The girl who lights up the whole room with her smile, can make me laugh my ass off with her quick wit and humor. I want that girl back. We lost Ryan, but you’re still here. I don’t want to lose you too,” Alex says with tears streaming down his cheeks.
I’ve only seen Alex cry one other time, when his Dad died. I won’t count the time he thought he broke his ass sledding down the hill on a serving tray next to the cafeteria. While he shed actual tears that day, this moment is on a whole other level. I feel his sincerity and know I have to decide right here and now how I want my life to go. I’m not sure I can sing for him, but I did make Ryan a promise. He was expecting me to sing with him at Shorty’s. That gig has come and gone but I might be able to figure something else out. Deciding to keep this to myself for now, in case I decide I can’t do it, I dry his tears with my sleeve and hug him tight. “Thank you for loving me, Alex. I don’t deserve you but I love you. So much.” We leave it just like this. No more words are necessary.