by M. J. Carnal
Copyright © 2014 by MJ Carnal
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, places, or incidents are a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, locations, or events is purely coincidental.
The book is intended for mature audiences only.
Cover Model: Joshua Sean McCann
Cover Photographer: FuriousFotog
Cover Designer: Cover Me, Darling
Editor: Kellie Montgomery
Dedication
To Nathan, my “official song writer” for Liquid Regret. Your words inspire me.
To my readers. THANK YOU will never be enough for taking this journey with me.
Chapter 1
I want so much to heal your pain, the wounds, the hurt, it’s all in vain. Regret is deep and stings like rain, like an open wound Without Novocain.” - Liquid Regret
One year. Three hundred and sixty five agonizing days. It feels like a lifetime. Her emerald eyes haunt me. I dream about her on the nights I actually get to sleep. I’ve turned into a total pussy. Twelve months ago, I watched her walk away from me and did nothing to stop her. She was never mine to begin with but that hasn’t stopped me from obsessing over the next time I’ll see her. What the hell is wrong with me? Yep, total pussy.
We’ve spent the last six months on a tour bus, hopping from city to city, hotel to hotel. I’ve searched for replacements but no one has come even remotely close. Being the lead singer of the hottest band in the US right now, I have my choice of women every night. I step off stage and there they are. It’s like a buffet that’s laid out just for me. All shapes, all sizes, I can take my pick. Each one of them offers me exactly what I want, exactly how I want it. The problem? No one can give me what I need. No one but her.
“D Rey, come back to bed.”
Tonight’s replacement looks more like Mia. Her red hair is long and straight but her skin isn’t as soft. Her eyes aren’t as green. She stretches and smiles at me. I’ve got to get her out of here. She’s stayed longer than I usually allow them to and she’s got to go. The walls are starting to close in on me. What the fuck was her name? Michelle? No, that’s not right. Melissa? No. I’m an asshole.
Don’t judge me. I’m a man. Being on stage is a huge high and there’s nothing better than losing myself inside a woman to bring me down from that. I don’t have the luxury of having a drink or popping a pill. Those days are long gone. I’ve been clean for fourteen years. Aside from the occasional aspirin, my body is chemical free and Mia Avery Lee is my only drug. Fucking her out of my system is the cure. It hasn’t worked yet. But, eventually it has to.
A year ago, I helped my cousin propose to the love of his life. Ironically, she’d been my girlfriend first. She dumped me the second good ole Steve gave her the time of day. That’s a story I will gag through later. You should probably get to know me first.
They say your past defines you. I call bullshit on that. I’ve spent the last ten years ensuring that mine doesn’t. I’ve lost my way lately but the last decade has seen living on the street, rolling in money and everything in between.
“D Rey, baby. Let me make you feel good again.” Time’s up. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I don’t understand the whining. I don’t handle that well.
“You need to go before my manager storms through this door and rips my dick off.” I’m pleading now but she isn’t moving. “We’re leaving for the West Coast in the morning and I need to get my shit together.”
This woman is another mistake in a huge line of mistakes in my life. Let’s get all the judgment over at once, shall we? Where should I start? I had a fucked up childhood. My dad sucked and spent more time pummeling me than he did sleeping. I fell into the wrong crowd in high school and spent my time shooting up or looking for anything that would make me numb. My aunt and uncle saved me, got me clean, got the dealer off my back and loved me when I needed it most. Looking back, getting clean may have been the easy part. I was 16 and my hormones were everywhere. I thought with my dick. What kid in high school doesn’t? When a cheerleader gave me the time of day at a party, I jumped at it. A couple months later, she was at my doorstep with a pregnancy test that changed everything.
I panicked. Can you blame me? Her parents were self-important and couldn’t stand to be embarrassed. She told them I had raped her. Who are you going to believe? Claire, the honor roll cheerleader or Damien, the recovering drug addict? I begged her to tell the truth and when she saw the beating my dad had given me that night, she admitted she’d lied. It was too late. The damage had been done. Dear ole dad said he was going to take things out on my mom. Hearing her crying that whole night was too much for me. He hadn’t laid a hand on her but the verbal abuse was enough to make me want to kill him. I thought the only way to save her was to disappear. So, that night, while the rest of the world was asleep, I packed the few things I owned and took off.
I kept in touch with Claire and was able to sneak into the hospital and get a glimpse of my son the night he was born. If you think parenthood doesn’t have a profound impact on a teenager, think again. Suddenly, everything made sense. Xander Bennet changed everything. I learned some important lessons that night. The dick that had been labeled as my father wasn’t even worth pissing on had he been on fire. How anyone could hurt a child was something I would never understand. Claire became my family forever, whether I wanted that or not. And I learned how much I needed and missed my cousin and my insane group of friends.
Still, going home wasn’t an option. My dad had gotten sick and he blamed the cancer on me and my mom. No way was I adding to that hell storm. I kept moving, finding shelter, food, whatever else I needed. I refused to give up. I met Griffin while I was living on the street. He was only a year older but his story was similar to mine. He let me sleep on his ripped up sofa in the shit smelling apartment he was able to afford. He and his girlfriend, Della, became my family. We bonded over music and Griff and I started to form what later became Liquid Regret. He’s known to the world as Harley. It’s a long story that involves the paparazzi and his motorcycle but that’s his story to tell. Della is now his wife. He’s a lucky son of a bitch. They inspire me to find that for myself. They’ve been married for two years but have loved each other since the beginning of time.
I won’t deny that I’m the playboy of the group. I suck and I know it. But I need sex like I need to breathe. Sure, I traded one addiction for another but the only way I can get through this crazy life out here on the road is to find one thing that’s the same in every city. Without a doubt, that’s the women. So what if I find myself on the front of every gossip rag? I’ve been called a womanizer, a cheater, a playboy, you name it, they’ve said it. It’s not 100% true but it’s pretty fucking close. I’d trade it all for Mia but I don’t see that happening. The person my lifestyle hurts the most is Xander. I don’t get to see him anymore. Claire said I’d have to give up touring and women and settle down. It makes me a douche that I won’t do it but it’s the only way I can support my son and give him the financial security he deserves. Once I’m back in LA, shit will change. For now, he’s better off with his mom.
See? I’m a fucked up mess. I have no one to blame but myself. Life happened so quickly, I didn’t know whether to hold on tight or jump off before my sanity was completely shot. I fought so hard for fame that when I got it, I didn’t know what to do with it. Our first big gig was the LA Music Awards and a tour as opening act for Rippin
g Pages. That lasted all of ten shows before our managers realized that the venues were selling out and we were their meal ticket. I’m not complaining. Liquid Regret is the hottest group in the US and being out on tour is everything I dreamed it would be. But somewhere in my dreams, I had imagined sleep and fast cars and so much money I could wipe my ass with it. I have the money, I just don’t have a minute to myself to spend it. What I don’t send to my son and the devil that won’t let me see him, I’m stashing in hopes of settling down in LA near my family.
The Lee sisters were my ultimate undoing. I dated Lily for what amounted to less than a minute in the grand scheme of things. She was gorgeous and did things to my heart that no one else had. But, it wasn’t ever quite right. There was always something missing. Little did I know that missing piece was her sister, Mia. She’s fucking beautiful. Her skin smells good, her red hair reminds me of flames and I want to spend every second of my life worshiping her body.
The second I saw her, I took the first deep breath I’d taken in years. They say that “the one” is supposed to take your breath away. That’s crap. Mia walked in, took one look at me and smiled. I was done. I felt calm, I felt centered, I felt whole. Being in her presence made me realize that I hadn’t been fully relaxed since I was a kid. The weight of the world shifted off my shoulders. She was it for me and I was too much of a pussy to realize how much that meant.
Lily noticed right away. She’d taken me home to meet her family. Not because we were a serious item but because she didn’t want to travel cross country alone. I didn’t have anything else going on so I jumped at the chance to spend that time with her. I was a fill in for my cousin, Steve. I was ok with that. She was hot and I was horny. When she saw the way I looked at Mia, she busted my balls relentlessly about being too scared to make a move. She was right. I was on the brink of my first tour. I didn’t need anything serious if I was leaving. But I kissed her that trip and I felt it all the way to my toes.
My second trip home with Lil was different. We tried the dating thing, both of us looking for someone to fill the void. She was smarter than I was and let me down easy. I rushed into her Georgia apartment hoping Mia would be there. She was. Her loser ex-boyfriend greeted me too. That didn’t stop me from tangling her hair around my fingers while I kissed her like a man on a mission. I spent the rest of that trip staring at her and following her around like a crazy stalker ready to kidnap my next victim. We had a couple great nights together. She was definitely too good for me and we kept things PG. But it was hard to walk out the last morning.
I promised I would leave two tickets for her at every show on the East Coast. She hadn’t used any of them. I’d like to be a macho man and tell you that I didn’t give a shit. I’d be lying.
“Shit.” The pounding at my door is one of two people. Either my dick of a father got through security or my manager is pissed. Marie. That’s it. I knew I’d figure it out. “Marie, get dressed.”
Looking through the peep hole confirms what I already knew. It’s Joshua Seymour, kick ass manager and resident pain in my balls. It’s not entirely my fault that he’s pissed. In all fairness, I didn’t want to do the meet and great backstage. It’s also not my fault that Marie was more into me than her burly boyfriend. It was a case of bad timing. She jumped into my arms and stuck her tongue down my throat before I even knew what the hell was happening. I was simply trying to defend her honor when I laid his ass out for charging at me. Sure, those vultures with the zoom lenses got some shots of me being the hero. Sue me. OK, don’t. That’s probably what ole Josh is worried about. I wasn’t going to let him kick my ass in front of my fans.
“Welcome. What brings you by this late at night?” Think my innocent act will work? Probably not, judging by the look on Mr. Seymour’s face. It certainly won’t work with the security detail he brought along.
“You.” He points his finger right at Marie, who hasn’t made one attempt to remove herself from my bed. “Get your shit. Time to say goodbye.”
“But..” Marie stutters as she searches the room for her other shoe.
“Gentlemen, please show Mr. Reynolds’ guest out.” Joshua pushes past me and points at me. “This is bad, Damien. Your reputation can’t take much more of this. Her boyfriend wants to press charges. The paparazzi got shots of you two doing more than just innocent kissing or whatever that last bullshit story was about.”
“So spin it. Like you’ve done all the rest.” I swear I’m not trying to piss him off.
Joshua huffs before he sits down and presses his fingers to his temples. “Damien, we need to change your image. I don’t know how, but the label says that I’ve got two options. Calm your ass down or find another face for Liquid Regret. We both know they’re nothing without you.”
Well this is a kick in the nuts. “I’m their cash cow, J.”
“Maybe so. But I’m exhausted. Can we play by their rules for five minutes? Every single member of this band would leave the label before they let you go. We’re talking breach of contract and uprooting family and God knows what else. I’m begging here, Damien. I’ll spin this story but you may not like it. I need you to get your shit together.”
I can’t help but be scared shitless about how he might spin this but I’ve got to trust him. He’s never done me wrong. “Spin away.”
Chapter 2
“The man is hot as sin.” Laney throws the paper down in front of me before stealing one of my fries. “And someone finally snatched him up. Hard to believe the playboy of the music world is finally settling down.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. The headline taunts me. I can’t help myself. I have to pick up the paper and read it. “Liquid Regret’s Lead Singer Meets His Match.” The headline alone makes my head spin. “Damien ‘D-Rey’ Reynolds and Russian supermodel, Oksana Zolotov, to wed next fall.”
“Holy shit.” I whisper and stare at their picture.
“I know, right?” Laney takes a gulp of her diet soda and shakes her head. “It says they met a few months ago and have been serious ever since. It also says that the pictures of him with all those other women are either old or the media’s attempt to break them up. Crazy. Lucky bitch.”
In all fairness, I haven’t told anyone about my feelings for Damien. Moving to Los Angeles to be closer to my sister, Lily, was a fresh start for me. All my friends here just know me as easy going, laid back Mia Avery Lee. They aren’t wrong. That’s really who I am. But my brief affair with Damien Reynolds is something I keep hidden. It’s a special memory and I’m not willing to share it.
I spent a week with him. One week that changed my life. My sister brought him home with her for her short lived move back to Georgia a year ago. They tried the dating thing but decided they were better off as friends. My connection with him was instant. My heart actually skipped the first time I saw him. I am a huge romantic and believe in love at first sight. I believe in happily ever after. I know that my prince will ride up on a white horse and take me away. I saw the complete picture the first time I looked into his eyes.
His eyes. Deep pools of aqua that I could lose myself in for the rest of my life. When he looked at me, I swear he saw right into my soul. His lips were soft and owned every part of me when we kissed. His strong arms wrapped around me and I was home. I knew it was short lived. He was the lead singer of the next big thing. His band was going out on tour and I knew he would have the world at his fingertips. I also knew that he would have women falling at his feet. If the gossip pages were true, my assumptions had been correct.
When he left me on that Sunday morning, he’d promised to leave tickets and back stage passes for me at every show near Georgia. I wanted to use them. I really did. The first time they were in town, I was still too consumed with all things Damien to use them. I spent weeks nursing a broken heart and it was just too soon. It wasn’t long after that I got a job offer at the Aquarium of the Pacific and jumped at the chance. Working with the dolphins at the Atlanta Aquarium had been a dream. I was abl
e to put my degree in marine biology to work and I’d been happy. When I got the call from Los Angeles, I couldn’t turn it down. I was going to be able to work with sea otters and seals and travel to rescue different animals. With a deep breath and no way to contact Damien, I began the cross country journey to my new life.
It was stupid to not exchange phone numbers. I just thought it would be easier. I was turning things over to fate and if they were meant to be, they would be. Romance at its finest. Like I said, I’m a romantic. I vowed not to ask my sister or her fiancé for his number. Lily was marrying Damien’s cousin, Steve. I’d heard things over the past year. I knew the tour was going well and I knew that Damien and Steve talked once a week. But I never asked any questions. Steve would tell different stories about the tour when we all got together for dinner but no one knew what I was feeling. I’m a pretty private person and I don’t like the world to see me heartbroken. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t kept up with Liquid Regret’s touring schedule and watched entertainment shows and red carpet interviews. I guess I just like to torture myself in private.
“Earth to Mia. You’re crying. What’s wrong?”
I hadn’t realized I was crying until Laney took my hand. She’d quickly become my best friend in California. She worked in conservation education at the aquarium and helped teach children the importance of keeping the environment clean.
“It’s stupid.” I feel like a complete fool. I’m typically not a crier but here I sit, at work, losing my cool. “I’m just a romantic. I love a good love story.”
“So it has nothing to do with the mystery woman that got away?” Laney winks at me before she laughs. “Rumor is that there’s a red head that he spent the summer with and he calls her the one that got away. The other part of the rumor is that she lived in Atlanta and he was with her until the day they went on tour.”
“Shit.” Covering my eyes, I try to hide from the world. Maybe the floor will open up and suck me in so I don’t have to answer any questions. How in the hell is there a rumor and I haven’t heard it?