Liquid Regret

by M. J. Carnal

  “Damien, that was…” I struggle to find the words. “It was beautiful. I can’t wait to hear that with the band behind you. It’s almost haunting.”

  “You haunt me.” His hand reaches for me. I want to pull away but I can’t. His fingers trace my lips. “I wrote that the day I left Georgia. I’ve thought about you every day since.”

  “Damien.”

  He cuts me off. “Mia, I’ve made more mistakes that I can even count. I thought if I found someone else, I could get over you. Every night was a mistake bigger than the last. Everything reminded me of you. I got totally lost. I completely fucked up.”

  I shake my head. “You can’t say this to me. You can’t. It’ll break me.”

  “I need you to know everything. Please.” His eyes widen as he starts to confess. “The guys couldn’t stop the bullshit that got deeper every time we stopped in a new city. I knew I was fucking up but I couldn’t stop. I needed anything to numb me. The women were just standins. All of them. Oskana included. She’s somebody I met in one of the cities. Her manager is a friend of Joshua’s. Her career was heading into the toilet and we did some appearances together. There’s nothing there. She’s a cover up story for all the bullshit I started. The label wanted my image cleaned up and Joshua came up with this fucking story that I don’t know how to get out of.”

  I can’t stop the tears. I don’t even want to. Damien is broken and I love him. I have for so long. I wish things were easy. Just for once. Our lives are too different. I would give up almost anything to make his pain go away. Our love story was over a lifetime ago but I can’t help but wonder if I had stopped him that morning, if I had begged him to stay in my life, would he have taken a chance on us? Would his story be completely different now? Would my heart still be shattered into a million pieces?

  Chapter 5

  Drowning, I’m told, is a bad way to die. Yet, you killed my soul with a simple goodbye. I’m drowning in you. –

  Liquid Regret

  She’s crying and I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. She’s honestly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I shouldn’t have been such a fuck up. How different would things be if I hadn’t thought with my dick every night on the road? I need to stop being such a pussy. Joshua needs to know this cover up bullshit doesn’t work for me. I want Mia, consequences be damned.

  “Please don’t cry.” I wipe the tears from her cheeks. I’ll make any excuse to touch her. I’m weak. “I’m sorry for everything. I know that’s not enough. I walked away like an asshole.”

  “No you didn’t.” She looks down at her lap. “We were both stupid. I believe in the white horse fairytale and the power of destiny. If I’d been thinking like an adult, I would have gotten your number and used the tickets.”

  “So, take it now.” I grab her cell phone and dial my number. When my phone rings, I smile. I now have Mia’s number and I plan on using it. A lot. “I never pushed you. I won’t start now. But I want to see you, Mia. I want to have a reason to rush back to LA after a few weeks on the road.”

  “What about Oksana? How bad will it be if they find out that was all a lie?” Even after I’m a screw up, she worries about me.

  “I don’t know. I need to talk to Josh. But first, I want to do this.”

  I move slowly. I don’t want her to pull away. I can see her heartbeat pick up in her neck. Her breathing changes and I know she’s right here with me. I take her face in my hands, tilting her head back and brushing my lips across hers. The kiss is gentle and I wait for her to react. Her moan against my lips tells me everything I need to know. My whole body is on high alert.

  She melts into me, letting me pull her closer. Her lips part and I need to be inside her. My tongue glides into her mouth, dancing with hers like they were made for each other. Her fingers tangle into my hair. Everything in my life fades away. It’s only Mia. Nothing else exists. In this minute, I’m a complete person.

  She tugs at my shirt, pulling it from my jeans. My brain is in overdrive. Her hands trail up my abdomen, resting on my pecs, digging her nails into my skin. Her breathing is ragged. I need a minute to think. I pull out of the kiss, trailing my tongue down her neck, inhaling her scent. The air is thick with arousal and I am ready to tear her clothes off. I’m hard as a rock and I can’t form any coherent thought.

  Her foot runs up my leg and that’s my opening. I pick her up, her perfect ass in my hands. I’m in heaven. I push her against the wall of the elevator, holding her up with my weight, feeling her legs wrap around me. I grind my erection against her and she gasps. Her yoga pants leave very little to the imagination. I push against her again and she bites my lip. Shit. This is going to escalate quickly and that’s exactly what I want. My brain is screaming at me to take her, mark my territory, and prove to her that no one else can make her feel the way I can.

  In all our time together, we’ve never gotten this far. I know it’s too fast. I know it isn’t the time or the place to get lost in each other. I can feel her heat. It’s pouring off of her. Her cheeks are flushed. She rubs against me and moans. Her legs are shaking. I want to know what she feels like. I want to know what she looks like when she shatters apart. I want to hear her moan my name when she explodes in ecstasy.

  “Wait.” She’s breathless. Her hands still and she rests her head on my shoulder. “I need a minute.”

  I run my hands in circles on her back. My heart is pounding out of my chest. This woman is going to be the death of me. I’m going to have a chronic case of blue balls and it might kill me. She’s worth the painful death. She’s worth the wait. I know that with all my heart. I just need to clue Damien junior in. He’s going to be pissed when he gets the news. He’s desperate for her body.

  She jumps away from me and it scares the shit out of me. “What are we doing? I’m sorry.” She’s covering her mouth and shaking her head. I cannot let her run.

  “Don’t say you’re sorry. Say anything but not that you’re sorry it happened. Nothing that feels that right is wrong. It can’t be.”

  The lights flicker on and the elevator moans back to life. Fuck. My window of opportunity is over. I need to think of something, anything that will keep her talking. She grabs her phone and I would give anything to know what she’s thinking.

  “Mia, what if I talk to Joshua? He’s not unreasonable. I know he had my best interest in mind when he leaked the story. He’s not just my manager. He’s a good friend. He’ll understand.”

  She takes a deep breath. “Let’s say he does. And he retracts the story. Then what? What kind of fall out will that have for the band? I couldn’t live with knowing that I’m ruining lives. What about your son?”

  I smile at the thought of Xander. “He’s thirteen. He’s not completely naïve. He knows who you are and he knows that I screwed up. I think it would teach him that you shouldn’t give up on what you really want.”

  Xander and I have spent a lot of time emailing the past week. He’s grown into a young man and I’ve missed it. He’s got his first girlfriend and they hang out at the mall. He claims he’s in love with her. I know he is in his own way. But it’s nothing like what I feel for Mia. It’s my job to teach him about life, disappointments and all. He’s watched my downfall through the media and through whatever lies or stories he’s been told from those that aren’t my biggest fans. He knows about Mia and that I have spiraled out of control because I let go of something that could be everything to me. Teaching him to fight for love is a lesson he needs to learn. I wish someone had taught me that lesson.

  “I just need time to process all this. I don’t want to get hurt any more than I already have been. I know it’s my fault. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. I just don’t want to jump in if I don’t know what’s going to be there when I land. I’m scared.”

  The elevator doors slide open, bringing with it the fear of the unknown. “Mia, you never know what’s out there if you don’t take a chance. The biggest successes in life are because someone took a leap into t
he unknown. It’s the fear that makes it exciting. It’s the belief that makes it great.”

  “D Rey in the house.” Joshua chuckles as I trip on the step leading into the studio. I can’t do anything but shoot him the bird and watch as my bandmates laugh.

  “On time and with a shit eating grin on his face. Looks like some sleep did you good.” Harley nods before looking back down at his music. He’s the serious one of the group but I feel closer to him than I ever have to my family.

  “Or he got laid.” Max raises his eyebrows and starts laughing. “You did, you dirty son of a bitch.”

  “Jesus Christ. Please tell me no one saw you. This story blows up in our faces and we’re done.” Joshua is on his feet before I can say anything.

  “I didn’t get laid and there aren’t any pictures so sit back down before the aneurysm ruptures. You are wound way too fucking tight, man.” I don’t like the look he’s giving me. I’ve known him long enough to know that he can read me like a book. He sees right through all the bullshit. “Seriously, it’s cool.”

  “Let’s do this. We have the studio for three hours. Let’s lay down some tracks so we can concentrate on the show tomorrow.”

  I’d been completely delusional when I thought I would lead this band of misfits. Harley has this shit locked down and I can’t imagine it any other way. He’s our lead guitarist, our faithful leader, the voice of the group and everyone’s conscience. I know I’ve let him down the past year. I worked hard but I fucked harder. Everything I did during the day brought me to what I really wanted at night. But Harley never questioned me. He and Della stood by my side every second.

  Della. She’s like my sister. All those years chasing our dreams, living in shit holes, moving from place to place, running down something we weren’t sure we’d ever catch. And there she was, running right alongside us. She’s the real rock star. She’s our biggest cheerleader, even if the accomplishment is a small one. What she and Harley have is exactly what I want. I can only picture that with one person.

  “I want to record ‘Ruin’ first. I know we decided on ‘Stolen Soul’ but I lose myself in ‘Ruin’. I feel it, I breathe it. If we’re here to record our next big song, I don’t want it to be anything else.”

  I hold my breath and look at Harley. His lips twitch as he tries not to smile. The bastard is going to let Joshua scream and throw a tantrum before he agrees with me. I deserve it. I brace myself as Josh stands up from the soundboard. This is going to be a shit storm that I should have braced myself for.

  He stops right in front of me, his breath hot on my face. “Then get your fucking ass in there and create a masterpiece.”

  Chapter 6

  It’s been a full day and I can still feel him on my lips. I can still feel his strong hands tangled in my hair. The look of pure ecstasy on his face when I rubbed my body against his is forever seared into my memory. Every thought in my brain is telling me to run. But my heart, my traitorous heart that can’t beat without him, has taken control. Tonight I’m going to tell him that I want a chance. There’s safety in knowing he feels exactly the same way. His text messages told me what I wanted to hear. The flowers sitting on my kitchen table are proof that this man is it for me.

  I dress quickly. The concert starts in just a few hours and my sister and her fiancé are meeting me there. I know Damien loves my hair down so I spent extra time curling it and getting it to flow down my back like it was effortless. The girl staring at me in the mirror is someone I haven’t seen for a year. She’s smiling, her eyes are bright, there’s excitement surrounding her. That’s the me I remember. I’m happy to see this girl again.

  The late afternoon breeze feels like heaven. The sun is still shining but the extreme heat of the summer is fading. The waves roll in the background, calming my nerves. The beach is packed with surfers and sun worshipers. Music blankets the air. Los Angeles is beautiful. This is the first time I’ve seen it through these eyes. I’m happy. I can’t help but giggle as I step into the limo that Damien sent to pick me up.

  The butterflies take flight as soon as the car rolls forward. My nerves are in complete control for a minute and I need to calm down. I wonder if he’s spoken to his manager about us. I asked him to give me a little time to think. Part of me is hoping he hasn’t said anything yet. I’d like to be there when he does. I need Joshua to see that I’m serious about this. I need him to see how much Damien means to me.

  This is the perfect night for an outdoor concert. As we pull up to the Hollywood Bowl, I see Steve and Lily waiting for me. I have to take a few calming breaths before I step out into the real world. They know I’ve seen Damien but that’s all they know. I don’t have much else to report. They’ll both be happy for me so I don’t fully understand my hesitation. I guess if I admit it to myself, then it becomes real. As soon as we go public, my life will have no privacy. No quiet. No peace.

  “You look gorgeous, kiddo.” Steve greets me with his usual hug and kiss on the head. I couldn’t have picked someone more perfect for my sister. If I had created someone with everything she deserved all in one package, it would’ve been Steve Wainwright, hands down.

  “Hi.” I smile when he eyes the limo and gives me that familiar big brother eyebrow raise.

  “New wheels?” His smirk is adorable.

  “What? Did you drive here yourselves? Lil, he doesn’t think you deserve a limo?” I giggle as I hug my sister.

  “Hey, I bought her Moretti’s house. She’s lucky I didn’t drive her here on the back of a moped.” Lily hits Steve’s arm. They’re so in love. It makes me gag. It also makes me insanely jealous.

  “Damien has us set up with backstage passes. Let’s head back before the show starts. I can’t wait to see his ugly mug.” Steve pulls us both through the crowd to the back entrance. He smiles as he shows security his tickets.

  The guy standing guard in back looks like one of those crazy guys that pulls airplanes in those strong man competitions. He’s enormous, bald and dressed head to toe in black. There is no way in hell that I would ever mess with him. When he meets my eyes, there’s no emotion in his at all. I smile. I feel a little better knowing someone so menacing is guarding what’s so important to me. He nods slightly. I may have imagined it. Either way, I’m happy he’s here.

  “Seymour, I’ve got three people out here that say they’re guests of D’s. Want me to send them back? Or hold them here?” He talks into his headset.

  I can’t help but fidget. This will be the first time I’ll meet the legendary Joshua Seymour. I’ve heard stories and imagine him to be as daunting as Mr. Personality here holding us back from the stage.

  Steve’s face is grim. “Is all this security really necessary? It’s a band, not the president.”

  “You’d be surprised by all the crazy shit that goes down at these things. We’ve had to up our security detail since Harley started getting threats.” Mr. Biceps actually looks worried for a minute.

  “Threats?” Lily leans into Steve.

  My heart is pounding. I haven’t heard anything about this. I imagine their life on the road is pretty crazy. I know women throw themselves at them everywhere they go. I know cameras follow them, the highest bidder getting the best shot. I’ve never given much thought to anything more than that. My stomach churns. Have people threatened Damien? My palms are suddenly sweating.

  A blond man dressed in khakis and a dress shirt steps out from the hallway and smiles at Mr. Muscles. He doesn’t look much older than Damien. His sleeves are rolled up, displaying a Rolex covered in diamonds. The thing has to be worth more than my car and everything I own in my apartment. He smiles and his face softens. Dimples dip in his cheeks. His face is spattered with freckles. He looks like one of the guys Steve hangs out with. The tall one that’s married to the doctor. Their names have completely escaped me.

  He extends his hand to Steve. “You must be Steve. The resemblance is pretty astounding. I’m Joshua Seymour.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Steve shakes h
is hand. “This is my fiancé, Lily and her sister, Mia.”

  Joshua freezes. His eyes roam over me, finally settling on my face. His face pales. For just one second, he loses his composure. I feel like I’m going to lose my dinner. “It’s very nice to meet you. The band is back here warming up. They usually zone out right before a show. I’ll take you back so you can say hello before they go on.”

  Backstage is crazy. There are people everywhere. The opening act is doing a sound check and the lighting and sound crews are frantic. The excitement buzzes through my veins. I’m standing in the center of Damien’s world. I’m getting a glimpse of his life that I haven’t seen before. It’s an adrenaline rush. The nerves leave my body and are replaced with joy.

  Damien looks up as I walk in. Holy shit. The man is a god. His ripped jeans hug his hips like they were made for his body. His white tee is almost painted on, showing his six pack underneath. I can’t breathe as he walks toward me. His smile is blinding. I’m a goner. How I ever thought I could stay away from this man is beyond me. He’s beautiful. Sex appeal rolls off his shoulders.

  “Mia.” He whispers in my ear as he hugs me. His voice caresses me. “You are so fucking beautiful.”

  He pulls away from me and our eyes lock. His remind me of the ocean. They’re the brightest aqua I’ve ever seen. The electricity sparks between us. The rest of the room has disappeared and we’re alone. This minute is just for us. His hands cup my face and he leans in. My body moves on its own accord, meeting him halfway, melting into him. Sparks explode behind my eyes every time our lips touch. It’s powerful and intimate. I’m lost to him. Our tongues meet and he deepens the kiss. His hands tangle in my hair, holding me impossibly close. There isn’t an inch between us. I want more. I want it now, right here. Fear be damned.