"Um, Preston," Benny said, his voice meek.
"Yes, darling?" I raised an eyebrow at him. He was as adorable when he was submissive as Imogen was when she was bossy.
"We ran out of fuel." Benny grimaced.
"You stupid fucker," Audrey roared. I didn't know if that was aimed at me or Benny. Probably both. "Did no one think to bring a refill can?"
"I don't know, did you?" I shot back. "I can't think of everything, you know."
"For someone who claims to lead us, you suck at thinking at all." She stalked past me.
"Fine, you lead for a while then." I knew my tone was sulky, but I didn't want to take the blame for everything. I'd sooner stake myself.
"Fine, I will. You can start by carrying my bag." She swung it off her shoulder, dropped it in the dirt, and kept on walking.
"I'm not—"
She glared at me.
"Fine." I bent down to pick it up and dusted the dirt off it before I swung it over my shoulder with a grunt. "Are you carrying rocks in here?"
"I thought you had superhuman strength?" she asked sweetly.
"I do." There was nothing more I could say without conceding she was stronger than me. I would sooner stand out in the sun while I stake myself than admit that. Even if it was true, which it wasn't…so there.
"I can carry it for you if it's too heavy," Benny offered.
Audrey snorted a laugh.
I resisted the urge to tell them both to piss off, and forced a smile instead. "Thanks Benny, darling, but I've got this. You're sweet to offer."
"You can carry my bag if you like?" Imogen offered him hers. He stared at her for a moment before taking it and resuming his place beside me.
"See, chivalry isn't dead," I said.
"Technically it is," Benny said, "because we are and…"
"Yeah." I took a big gulp of wine. I should have stocked up on more before we left Gallawallaginjup, or whatever the last town was called. They all had weird names here: Walla Walla, Tittybong, Wanka Creek, Orange. "At least my cock isn't dead."
Benny grinned. "Nope, it certainly isn't." He looked toward my groin.
"Would you stick with me if it was?" I asked. The wine must be going to my head if I was asking daft questions like that.
Benny didn't respond immediately.
"You cut me to the core," I said, stung.
"You still have a tongue and two hands," Imogen said. I think she was trying to be helpful.
"Yeah, great." I gulped down about half a bottle and stomped on after Audrey.
"I stay because I love you," Benny said to my back.
I waved a hand in dismissal, but it turned into a gesture to stop.
"I smell blood." I sniffed the air.
"If you were paying attention, you'd know it's smelled like that for the last five minutes." Did Audrey have to sound so smug?
"I knew that," I said quickly. "I was testing you."
She gave me a dry look.
I responded by lifting my chin. I was lying through my fangs, but I wasn't going to back down. I had some self respect left. Not much, but I was going to cling to what I had.
I drew myself up to the top of my height, all five feet and six inches of me—guys were shorter in my day, okay—and said, "Lead on then. The sun will be up in an hour or two and you don't want us to sizzle."
Audrey shuddered and I knew I hit a nerve. Back in the earliest days of her vampirehood, she was staked out to await the sunrise. In spite of stealing the best horse and carriage I could find, I couldn't get to her until most of her skin peeled away. The villagers assumed she evaporated and we got away, but she bitched for weeks about the pain. The memory was enough to make me a bit too uncomfortably sober.
I went to take a swig of wine but the bottle was empty. I threw it aside in disgust and followed my sister toward the delightful smells. Yes, plural. Whoever was out there in the dark was cooking something which smelled almost as good as blood. Turkey was too much to hope for out here, but chicken would be good too. Or a decent steak. I don't have to eat, but I do because I like the taste of food. Well, meat. And chocolate. I'm dead, not crazy. Okay, maybe a bit crazy, but no so I'd turn down a good cake or block of chocolate.
"Perhaps we should hurry up then." Audrey started toward the smell again, her pace faster this time.
At moments like this, I wished the legendary speed of vampires was fact and not fanciful fiction. We wouldn't need cars then, or to traipse through the dusty outback on Christmas Eve.
"I'm sorry." Benny grabbed my hand. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You mean more to me than your penis. If you chopped it off, cut it into tiny pieces and fed it to a crocodile, I'd still love you."
"That's very specific," I pointed out. "Is that something you've thought about?"
Benny gave a nervous laugh. "Of course not."
"You're a crap liar," I told him.
"Sometimes when you're mean—"
I interrupted. "When am I mean?"
"Um." He licked his lips. "When you get really hungry."
"I…" I couldn't really argue with that. When I was that hungry, I was a downright asshole. I sucked in a breath.
"I'm proud of you, Benny," I said through clenched teeth.
He looked surprised. "You are? Why?"
"Because I thought you were too nice to be a real vampire. You've proved me wrong."
"Uh—good?"
I nodded. "It is good, but if you ever think about cutting off my dick again, I'll rip off your head and leave it on an anthill." The ones around here were huge.
Benny laughed. "I won't. That would suck. Until my head grew back."
"Um, Benny," Imogen started.
"Yeah Immy?" Benny asked.
She gave me a look and shrugged. "Nothing. I'm sure your head would totally grow back."
"Without doubt." I nodded.
Benny frowned. "It wouldn't? What's the point of being immortal if…"
"Shhh," Audrey hissed. "I see a light."
I squinted through the darkness and nodded. "So there is." That was the closest I would get to admitting she was right.
The smell of blood was intoxicating, even from here.
"I hope they have a car," I muttered. "And a can for fuel." I didn't give Audrey the satisfaction of looking at her.
"I'll settle for a pulse." Imogen sounded as hungry as I felt.
"Or a pet dog," Benny said.
"What have I said about eating dogs?" Imogen asked.
"Don't eat them unless it's a last resort?" Benny replied.
"Exactly. They probably have sheep. You could play with your food again." Imogen flashed him a smile.
"Hey, that was one time," Benny protested. "Just to see how it would feel."
"To be on top?" Audrey suggested.
"Hey, he's on top plenty," I said.
"Well…" Benny started.
"Okay, sometimes." I preferred Imogen on top, but Benny didn't miss out.
"Errr." Benny looked toward the ground.
I clapped him on the shoulder. "See, everyone wins." To avoid any further discussion of our sex lives, I walked past Audrey, toward the light.
"I'm pretty sure I put tasty family on my Christmas list." I smacked my lips. "We did post those letters to Santa, didn't we?"
"Santa isn't real, Preston," Audrey said. "And if he was, he wouldn't give you people to eat."
"Spoilsport," I retorted. "It's just like when I was eight and you told me our parents were Santa."
She looked sidelong at me and frowned. "You were happy. You thought he hated you because you got coal every year."
I clicked my fingers. "Right. Turns out it was just our parents who hated me."
"Precisely." She swept past me.
"Poor Pres," Imogen said soothingly. "You must have been a right little shit as a kid."
"Yeah, I pretty much deserved the coal." I shrugged. "It's okay though, I got my parents back."
"You never did say what happened to them," Benn
y said.
I bared my fangs at him. "I ate them."
"Oh…" Benny nodded. "Well that's, um, nice."
There was nothing nice about it, but it was satisfying at the time. I thought about turning them, but sharing eternity with them and Audrey was less than appealing. I had no choice with Audrey, she turned me. Why? I have no idea; she won't tell me. I'd like to think it's because I'm awesome, but I have some realism left in me. That isn't to say I'm not awesome, I am, but I'm sure she doesn't think so.
"You should probably shut up," Audrey said. "Unless you want the mortals to run away before we get there."
"I'm okay with that," Benny said. The smile on his face suggested he was thinking about sheep way too much.
"I don't mind a hunt." I shrugged with my spare shoulder.
"Unless they drive away," Imogen pointed out.
"Right. Quiet it is then." We were close enough to lower the bags to the ground beside a tree and go into vamp stealth mode. That is, walking as quietly as possible, while keeping an eye out for sticks and—
The near silence of the night was broken by a ferocious barking.
—guard dogs.
Fuck. I didn't want to hurt an innocent animal; Imogen hates it when I do. She stops talking to me for weeks. Um, I mean, they don't deserve to be harmed. When the choice comes between feeding and a dog though, well it's an easy choice.
"Benny—"
"If you do anything to that dog, I'll break your fingers," Imogen hissed.
Right, she does that too. They heal, but bloody hells it hurts while they do.
"Fine, go and make friends with it then," I said.
Imogen hesitated for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine, I will."
I muttered something under my breath about the reputation of vampires if people knew we were nice to animals, and leaned against a tree to watch.
"Here puppy, puppy," Imogen called out softly, her hand in front of herself.
The dog fell silent for a while before it started to bark even louder.
"I have an idea." Before I could stop him, Benny disappeared into the darkness. A pained bleat echoed almost as loud as the dog and Benny returned with what looked like a sheep leg in his hands. He licked blood off one end and smiled.
I grimaced. "Please tell me you killed the rest of the sheep."
Benny's smile slipped. He handed me the leg and said, "Just a sec," before he slipped away again.
"That boy would be lucky to have two brain cells to rub together," Audrey remarked. She snatched the leg from my hand and marched toward the dog. She offered it the leg. The dog stopped barking and started to lick at the torn end as if it hadn't seen meat for a month.
"See, nothing to it," Audrey whispered.
"Sure." I almost felt sorry for the sheep, until Benny reappeared, blood dripping from his chin.
"Tasty," he said happily.
"Don't taunt me," I growled, hungry at the sight of blood, even if it wasn't human.
"You should really try it, it's delicious. There's even the aftertaste of grass."
"Way to sell it to us," Imogen said sarcastically.
"Yeah, what she said." I jerked a thumb toward her.
"Suit yourself." Benny fell in beside me as we approached the door which led into the house. The door itself stood open, except for a screen to keep out insects. Presumably the bloodsucking kind. I wrinkled my nose. Maybe I should have an affinity for mosquitoes, but the little bastards bit me too and left bites that itched like hells. They didn't seem to bother Benny, Audrey, or Imogen, which made me hate them all the more. Sometimes tasting good is a curse.
From inside the house came the cheerful sound of Christmas music. If there was anyone who deserved to have their throats ripped out, it's people who sing that kind of thing. Too much gods damned Christmas cheer is a bad thing too. Except that Canadian crooner guy. Him, I would turn, he's cute.
"I'll go in first," Audrey declared. "Since I'm leading today." She shot me a faux sweet smile and started up the steps to the door.
"Fine by me." I always opted to go last, in case the occupants had a stake handy. What? Plenty of people do. You'd be surprised how many people think TV vampires are real. Unfortunately they got the stake part right.
Audrey reached the screen door and eased it open. In such a remote place, the mortals probably weren't expecting anyone to show up at the door. Blind trust, it always makes feeding easier.
She gestured at us and stepped inside. Imogen followed, then Benny. I glanced behind to see the dog still enjoying the leg before I joined them.
Inside was about three thousand degrees cooler than outside, even with the door open. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Two thousand, five hundred degrees cooler.
"Thank the gods," Imogen muttered.
I gave her a lopsided smile and inhaled the scent of mortal and roast chicken.
The room we stood in looked to be a well-used entrance way. Boots of various sizes lined the walls, each covered in a layer of dust or dried mud. Two pairs were small, one in pink, the other purple. Ewww, children. They always made things more difficult. I refused to feed on them and hated to feed in front of them. The sound of crying hurt my ears. It totally had nothing to do with my conscience, no, not at all.
I cleared my throat and let my eyes adjust to the light which filtered down the corridor. It was interspersed with flashing red and green, which hinted at Christmas lights. That suggested a tree and presents. I bet these parents didn't give their children coal. Of course not, coal is a non-renewable resource. No self-respecting mortal would touch it these days. What would I have been given if I was a kid now? A solar panel under the tree?
I shook my head. Maybe I should get therapy for my parental issues.
"Who are you?" a little voice asked.
Fuck.
A boy stood in front of us in purple unicorn pyjamas. Blonde hair in disarray indicated either he hated to brush, or he should be in bed, fast asleep.
Audrey crouched down. "I'm Audrey. I'm a friend of your parents. What's your name?"
The kid eyed her doubtfully. "I'm Lukas. You're not friends of my parents."
"They might not have mentioned us—" Audrey started.
"My parents are dead," Lukas declared. It didn't seem to be a new fact, his eyes stayed dry.
I crouched beside Audrey and ignored the cranky look she gave me.
"My parents are dead too," I said. "Audrey meant your grandparents. You live with them, right?" I was guessing here. I could be kilometres off.
"Yeah." Lukas shrugged. "Yours are really dead too?"
"Yes." I feigned sadness. "Audrey and mine. She's my sister."
"Is that your sister too?" Lukas pointed toward Imogen.
I chuckled. "No, she's my girlfriend. And he's my boyfriend." I waved toward Benny.
Lukas' eyes widened. "Cool." He wrinkled his nose. "You smell funny."
I arched an eyebrow. "It's hot outside, we probably stink of sweat."
"Naw, you smell like death and blood."
I drew back. "Is that so?" I sniffed at him. There was something off there too. "What are you?"
Imogen gasped. She must have come to the same conclusion I had.
Lukas drew himself up. "I'm a werewolf, like my grandpa. He's here, you want to meet him?" He opened his mouth to shout, but I clapped a hand over it.
"No, it's okay," I said quickly. "Sometimes werewolves don't like people like us."
Lukas eyes narrowed. He grabbed my hand and pulled it away from his face. "Are you a vampire?"
I sighed. "Yeah guilty. You know my kind doesn't feed from your kind though, right?" I wasn't lying. Werewolf blood was toxic to vampires and vice versa.
"My grandpa said I shouldn't be afraid of vampires, unless they just want to kill me. Are you going to kill me?" In spite of his words, he didn't look scared.
"No way, kid," I said easily. "I like you. You have a lot of backbone. I respect that."
"Are you going to feed from my grandma?" Lukas
looked at me sidelong. "She's just a human."
Way to throw Grandma under the bus, kid.
"Do you want us to?" Audrey asked.
"No, we're not going to feed on Grandma," I said firmly. I gave Audrey a firm look. Kid werewolf and Grandpa would be more than a match for four vampires, if they got angry enough.
"I thought something was amiss." An older man stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. "I didn't imagine the smell of vampire in my house."
I stood up. If he had a stake, I couldn't see it. "Our car broke down. We, um…"
"Ate one of your sheep." Thank the gods Benny had the sense to wipe blood off his chin.
I closed my eyes for a moment. "Yeah, he did. We'll, um, pay you for it."
"What do you want?" Grandpa asked.
"Some fuel for our car?" I asked hopefully. "Maybe some chicken?"
Grandpa stared for a moment, then burst out laughing. "I have a better idea. How do you feel about folks taking other people's land so they can mine it?"
"Uhhh…I'm not a fan?" I ventured. "We're talking the environmentally unfriendly kind, I assume?"
"The very same," Grandpa agreed. "They want my farm. I think it's time to give them a reason to stay away."
I rubbed the back of my neck. "You want us to scare them for you?"
"Scare, kill, whatever." Grandpa shrugged. "I don't bloody care what you do, but get rid of them."
"Werewolves aren't badass enough?" Audrey asked dryly.
"We are badass enough and then some, but we're also recognisable. If I act against them, they'll take the farm. Lukas and his brother will be homeless. They don't know you though."
"What's in it for us?" Audrey asked.
"I don't stake you where you stand," a voice said behind us.
Damn, Grandma has some impressive stealth skills.
I raised my hands and turned around. Grandma was younger than Grandpa, but I hardly noticed. My eyes were mostly on the large wooden stake she held. She looked like she knew how to use it.
"You also get as much blood as you can drink," Grandpa said. "And the world will be a better place."
I couldn't argue against that. The downside to immortality was the prospect of living on a dead planet, without even enough wood to make a stake. The idea kept me up during the day, when I should be asleep.
Through sheer will, I turned my back on Grandma and crossed my arms to look as casual as I could.
Holidays Bite: A Limited Edition Collection of Holiday Vampire Tales Page 7