“Yes,” he smiled, “I keep forgetting the fine line you draw between the two words when using them academically. Right. So he stored the information in my dissertation file.”
Jeremy paused, looked me directly in the eye, leaned forward with his elbows on the table and continued. "My second working paper, on the subject of how you guys interact with each other, caused him considerable concern and alarm. His immediate evaluation was that your species is clearly not only a non-benevolent one, but an actively destructive and dangerous one. And in such a case, which is a rare one, he is obliged to inform the Governing Committee. Which he did. As a matter of fact, I was truthfully unaware of such a regulation until he informed me of the step he had taken. And now your species has been classified as 'hazardous', one of very few life forms ever to have been placed in that category."
Oh my, oh my. Or oh my God, if you prefer that expression, and as usual please feel free to choose whichever god you prefer. This guy had to be the ruling monarch of all lunatic fantasy worlds, a medical delight. Just how many intricate and complex details can a deluded guy manufacture to bolster the complicated structure required to support his delusions? An interesting question, but hey, I was still after the remaining big payments, or the possibility of them, so let me play it straight. Even if he knows I think he is a maniac. There is nothing to be gained by being disrespectful.
"Hazardous?" I asked. "How can we be hazardous, Jeremy? To whom? We can't even travel around our own solar system, let alone go anywhere else."
"Ah, and there you have hit the nail on the head, Peter," he replied. "A hazardous life form is one which is not only a cruel and murderous one within its own habitat, but one which is potentially dangerous to the universe. In other words, a species which is likely, eventually, to discover and understand the workings of the fifth dimension. Likely, as a result, to be able to spread itself out into the universe. Likely, therefore, to spread its homicidal and barbarous activities among other species. And unintelligent, with all due respect again Peter, though you may be, you are quite clever in the relatively insignificant field of technological matters. Slow, but clever. My people estimate that in less than one hundred years, using your planet's time scale, you will have acquired reasonable knowledge of what the fifth dimension is and how it functions. And that would make you seriously dangerous, a hazard to the harmonious and benevolent existence of all of the universe's intelligent species. And that we cannot allow."
"Would? Cannot allow? Tell me, Peter, what happened to the first life form you identified as hazardous?"
"We eliminated it. A cancerous growth needs to be prevented from spreading."
"I thought you said you were a benevolent lot. How can you go around eliminating things? Species, for goodness' sake:"
"We are back to the ants in your garden, Peter. If you are an animal and insect lover, you probably wouldn't want, nor see any need, to harm them. But if they invaded your house, and if they were a variety of killer ant, and if they were multiplying and beginning to disrupt the harmony in your life, you would probably take steps to eliminate them. As you would with some aggressive wasps which had built a nest by your front door. Their lives are not, after all, of great importance to you in the overall scheme of things."
"Yes, but…"
"And my analogous example is, in fact, an understatement. You already have chemical factories around the world manufacturing toxic sprays for the mass slaughter of ants and wasps and slugs and other insects which bother you in minor ways. Such as daring to walk across your terrace, for example. And what we are talking about here is slightly more important than that, if you will allow me the understatement."
"So we are as unimportant to you as the ants and the wasps are to us?"
"Correct, Peter. And you would normally be of no interest to us other than for study purposes. But the facts of the situation have now changed this."
"You don't mean that you are going to eliminate us? Is that what you want me to believe?" I asked. A distinctly crazy question, no doubt about it, but then I was conversing with a distinctly crazy person, no doubt about that either.
Jeremy chuckled, not particularly humorously, but he chuckled. "No, Peter. As I have already mentioned, I know you don't believe anything at all about me, although you should. But no, no decision has been taken yet to eliminate you. The problem for you however, is that it might be. And in the meantime, I think we should try to prevent such a decision, or at least try to have it delayed. But we would need to work very fast."
"Why do you say 'we'? And why would you want to prevent such a decision? I thought you said we were as unimportant to you as ants."
"Yes, I did say that and yes, you are. As for wanting to allay such a terminal decision, let me say again that I am a benevolent being and would not enjoy seeing the unnecessary elimination of a species before its time. Any more than you would want to start killing ants when you get back home just for the fun of it, if they are neither bothering you nor interfering with your life. At least I hope you wouldn't, although, as you have already explained, many of your fellow beings do in fact kill just for the enjoyment of it, sport I think you called it. And I say 'we', because you are the only person I know who could possibly help me in this attempt."
"Yes, but as you said—and I mean this respectfully—I don't believe a single word of any of this and therefore I am not about to involve myself in whatever it is you have in mind."
"Your answer was of course foreseen," said Jeremy. "And so we come down to money again, an incentive of an amount which will surely be of interest to you."
He wasn't wrong there. Even more money! The ocean waves I am swimming on right now are gentle and beautiful ones indeed, carrying me tenderly toward an exotic island full of coconut trees and half-naked girls (half-naked being preferable to naked, thus retaining the pleasurable anticipation of making one or more of them naked later on). However, Jeremy was not going to make me a billionaire. So how much should I insist on? And what would I have to do for it?
"How much?" I asked.
"I was thinking of an additional €200,000," said Jeremy.
"For doing what? I mean, if we are classified as 'hazardous' already, there's not much we can do about that, is there?" I am playing the game I am, right through to the money winging its way into in my bank account. Hopefully.
"'Not much' is an accurate statement," said Jeremy. "In fact, there is only one thing we can do, or attempt to do. And that is to try and have you change yourselves, change who you are and what you are and what you do, your whole behavior. To try and have you convert yourselves into a benevolent life form, living peacefully and in harmony among yourselves and among the other species on your planet. And consequently, when you have learned how to travel, to peaceably and amicably relate with the other life forms in the universe also. A pretty simple and intelligent goal, you might say. An obvious and highly beneficial objective. For an intelligent species, it is. But with you guys, at your level of intelligence, it is going to be a complicated and difficult task, to put it mildly. And that is why I am using the word 'attempt'."
"And how on earth do you propose to achieve that? Or rather, attempt to achieve it?" I asked.
"Not I, but we," corrected Jeremy again. "Being organized the way you are at the moment, we would have to get all of your world's top elected birdbrains—as you and your friend call them—to meet and agree on the initial steps necessary to launch a mutation process. It will take them time, many years I would think, to actually implement all of the changes, assuming of course that they can manage to agree to do so in the first place. And that, needless to say, is the risk. It is very possibly a hopeless task, but at least we can force them to start."
"Force them? How can you force them to meet? And even if you manage that, how can you force them to agree…on anything at all, let alone a concerted action to modify the human animal into a creature capable of peaceful coexistence?"
"Not you, Peter, we. And the answer to your que
stion is fear. As you have more than once made extremely clear, your species is incapable of agreeing on more or less anything. Discord, hostility and constant arguing or violence are integral components of the nature of your species. Consequently, at this initial stage, the members of your species need to be forced to agree with each other. And fear is the only instrument capable of achieving that. The concept of fear, unlike love, honor, truth and so on, is the one emotion that they can all understand and agree upon together, because it applies to each and every one of them individually. Fear affects their selfish interest in their own individual self-preservation. Fear, as your Peter Scholl-Latour once wrote, is the main prerequisite for survival."
"You seem, Jeremy," I said, "to place great faith in fear. How do you know we will not just be laughed at?"
Jeremy put his elbows on the table, folded his hands, placed them under his chin, gave me one of his smiles, and then proceeded in a pleasant but seemingly bored intonation, for all the world as if he were teaching a Psychology I class for teenagers. "Because we are going to implant real fear into their minds, Peter. Fear is the strongest of all of the emotions in existence, and that holds true for all of the universe’s life forms. It is the prime instinct responsible for ensuring the survival of a species."
"How about love?" I asked.
He tilted his head and sighed in an amused sort of way. "My research to date shows me that you all interpret that word differently. And in any event, there are too many cases of what you call love which in fact are of the 'if you love me, then I will love you' variety, and if you don’t, I won’t. And when that happens, as it often enough does, the so-called love can even turn into blind hatred. Or else the emotion simply disappears as if it had never been. Forget it, Peter."
"Well, maybe. I know what you mean. Certainly there are plenty of us who think of love as a kind of temporary illness for which there are several easy cures. Marriage being one of them for example.”
“Ha. Good one, Peter!” beamed Jeremy.
“And the actress Romy Schneider once said that there is nothing as cold as a love which has died. So perhaps the word love merely defines a temporary idea. But who knows? Anyway Jeremy, how about sex? Now that is one hell of an instinct, you have to admit."
"Not really, Peter, it can't compete with fear. If I were to tell you that you had to choose between living a life without sex, or being tortured to death this evening, I know which one you would choose. Fear easily wins the day, as it always did way back in the day. Fear is what ensured the survival of your primeval lizards in their almost un-survivable environment."
I nodded, point taken.
"But we need to apply collective fear. And in order to apply collective fear, we will first of all need to bring your most powerful birdbrains together. And we need to start by convincing one of them, or rather scaring one of them, into undertaking that attempt. And I suggest that the prime minister of your country, the U.K., would be the easiest one to reach for this purpose. And that alone will be difficult enough. And that is where you come in."
This fantasy game was going too far. I didn't need this extra hassle. Nor did I need the unmistakable risk of embarrassment which might result. I had no desire to make a laughing stock out of myself at this elevated level. At any level in fact, I have my pride. Just like you or anyone else. And embarrassment might not be the only thing I would have to deal with. So…I am not interested. Not at all. Unless of course…unless there is sufficient money in it, more than he is offering. We are all potential prostitutes on this planet, not just the females or the pretty boys.
"I am sorry, Jeremy," I said, "but I am not interested. I am not going to become involved in this."
"Because you don't believe a word and you are therefore concerned about the embarrassment," he said. "And the amount I have mentioned is insufficient to compensate you for that. So…how much?"
"Jeremy, you already know that I don't believe this…this whole scenario. And I really do not wish to involve myself any further."
"And if I guarantee there will be no embarrassment for you? How much?"
"Can you really guarantee me that?" Not that I was really interested. But for the right amount, and with some of it in advance just in case, sure I would do it.
He didn't say anything, he just put his head to one side and smiled his round-faced smile at me. Well, O.K., he's right, he has never given me reason to doubt his word. Even so, it has to be a lot of money, every prostitute has his or her price.
"Double the current agreement," I said.
"Double?"
Yes," I said. "We are currently agreed on €600,000 of which a third has already been paid. So it would be the same amount again with a third in advance."
"You know," said Jeremy with a quizzical look, "if you really knew how serious this situation was, and if you believed in it, you would be doing it for nothing."
"Jeremy, you are probably, as usual, quite correct on that."
"Well, I am not prepared to comply with your suggestion, Peter. There are limits and moral principles from my side of the fence which I am not prepared to breach. I will offer an additional €400,000 making the total a round million, and I will advance you €100,000 of that as a further token of trust. Take it or leave it. And if you leave it, no ill feelings. But we would not be continuing with our interviews because, as I am sure you understand, I would need to find someone else to undertake the task and it would be best for him or her to be the person who at the same time helps me finish my thesis work."
“Dissertation work.” I smiled.
“Dissertation work; my apologies again, Peter.”
Oh, oh. This could possibly mean a few hundred thousand down the drain for me. Well… hard bargainers are hard bargainers and Jeremy is a hard bargainer. And we have to accept that.
"You are a hard bargainer, Jeremy," I said, "and you are a good psychologist. A penny less and I wouldn't do it. Seriously; I wouldn’t. But you probably know that already, you probably calculated things to a very fine degree. So yes…fair enough…agreed."
He laughed, a real, genuine laugh. "I am not a hard bargainer at all, Peter, as you must know if only you think about it. On top of the interviews, this latest arrangement will only involve you in two or three additional meetings with the police and perhaps some politicians, and hopefully you will be instrumental in achieving a meeting for me with the prime minister himself. You will be earning a whole million for, forgive me for saying so, doing relatively little. And, as you yourself have just said, I call that fair enough."
"Touché, Jeremy," I agreed, "touché."
"And fair enough for me also," he continued. "I must say I consider myself fortunate to have you as an interviewee. You are a fairly knowledgeable person on the one hand, and on the other you have taken great trouble to provide me with as much of that knowledge as possible in the short time available for doing so, and this has allowed me to organize my research in a more targeted manner than would otherwise have been feasible. You are clearly a person who believes in complying with an agreed arrangement to the best of his ability, and I appreciate that kind of conscientiousness to no small degree, nor do I have any doubt about it continuing. And that is why I consider the amounts I am paying, which under different circumstances might be considered excessive, perhaps exceedingly excessive, to be equitable and value for money. And my thanks for your principled cooperation, Peter, are sincere ones, contractual obligations aside."
"Well now, that's very kind of you, Jeremy," I said in turn, aren't we both being gracious to each other, "and I thank you for your integrity regarding our agreement as well. But what exactly is coming up next? What are we going to be doing now?"
"Hmm…first, we need to finish our initial interview agenda as quickly as possible. My thesis, you understand. My dissertation. It's very important to me. Can we do the next interview on Monday?"
"We could, Jeremy. I could make it at 2 p.m.," I said. "I have to go down to Slough in the morning."
> "Good, good. That will be fine. In my view 2 p.m. is always a civilized time of the day for meetings. Let us meet in my office again. That is no longer going to be an issue in view of the new situation. On the contrary, we now want to communicate with them." He thought for a moment. "Do you have a means of contacting the policeman who was following you?"
"Yes."
"Then I suggest you ask him for an urgent meeting. He will be delighted—although for the wrong reasons of course. We need to get him and his superiors to take us up to a higher level, ministerial involvement. To do that, we will need to convince him with a 'hacker trick' or two. Let him choose which ones of course, only harmless occurrences. So if you succeed in arranging a meeting, call me on our mobile while it's going on and tell me who, what and where and I will perform as necessary."
Now that is really very fine, absolutely O.K. No way am I going to be embarrassed. On the contrary, if Jeremy manages to produce a couple more computer-hacking rabbits out of his hat, that Delsey guy will assume I am a partner in a team of two or more persons with amazing and as yet unheard of telepathic powers of some kind. On the downside, both Delsey and his superiors would be going to extrapolate and conclude that these powers made me a dangerous person or, at least, that they made Jeremy a dangerous person. The latter of course being the same as what I believed myself. Jeremy undoubtedly constituted a potential for danger. True, he might never take it into his head to abuse his powers. But what if he changed his minhd one day…what then? There was no doubt that the poor guy was seriously deranged. Anything could happen.
"As regards the meeting, Peter, Mr. Delsey and his friends are going to regard me personally as a significant danger to society after witnessing our little demonstration. Understandable of course. Also understandable, since he is a member of your species, that he and his superiors will wish to capture me and hold me in custody while I am investigated, probed and subjected to tests by an ever-increasing number of scientists, psychiatrists, and medical researchers, and eventually on an international basis. And for this purpose they would attempt to restrain me and hold me in a confined space. I am thinking of the chimpanzees you mentioned. And I consider that to be a more or less guaranteed scenario. But a scenario which I would not allow to happen—an easy enough exercise for me as you can imagine."
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