This is a work of fiction. These stories, characters, places and events are all completely made-up, imaginary and absolutely not true.
First published 2008 by Macmillan Children’s Books
This electronic edition published 2008 by Macmillan Children’s Books
a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited
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ISBN 978-0-230-73765-5 in Adobe Reader format
ISBN 978-0-230-73761-7 in Adobe Digital Editions format
ISBN 978-0-230-73766-2 in Mobipocket format
Text and illustrations copyright © Geri Halliwell 2008
Illustrations by Rian Hughes
The right of Geri Halliwell to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
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Contents
1. Ugenia Lavender,
Get Me Out of Here!
2. Ugenia Lavender:
Death Wish
3. Ugenia Lavender:
Home Alone
To Bluebell. Little girl, big imagination.
Ugenia woke up one sparkly Tuesday morning. The sun was ready for action and it was the holidays. No school – cool!
But there was something that was weird about Ugenia this morning. There was no enthusiastic leap out of bed, no mission-impossible plans to make and definitely no toothpaste-advert smile in the mirror. Instead she slumped to the floor, practically rolled to the bathroom and stared at her face in the mirror. It stared back at her saying, ‘I’M BORED . . .’
Ugenia went downstairs and wandered through the house, picking up books she’d already read, flicking channels on the TV and staring into the fridge. ‘Boring!’ she sighed. ‘My life is boring, boring, borrrrrrrrring – nothing exciting ever happens here.’
‘Why don’t you come shopping with me?’ said her mum, Pandora Lavender, who had just got back from her work as a presenter on Breakfast TV.
‘Shopping’s boring,’ said Ugenia glumly.
‘I’m going to inspect some dinosaur poo – you can come with me!’ said her dad, Professor Lavender, who was a specialist in pretty much everything and worked at the Dinosaur Museum in town.
‘Boring,’ said Ugenia. ‘I guess I’ll just see what Rudy’s up to. Maybe he’s doing something exciting.’
Ugenia hopped on her red bike and cycled over to Rudy’s house. Rudy lived two streets away on Leavesden Road where all the houses were stuffed together like cheese-and-pickle sandwiches. Rudy lived right on the corner above his dad’s shop, Patels’ Food Store, except it didn’t only sell food, it sold newspapers, Sellotape and weird things like pliers.
But the most distinct thing about Rudy’s home was the fantastic smell of his mum’s cooking. She often had a large pot of curry on the stove, which always smelt delicious.
Ugenia liked Rudy’s mum, Rifat Patel, a lot, as she always gave Ugenia interesting food – like lamb curry with coconut naan bread – whenever she came over, even if it wasn’t lunchtime.
‘Hello, Ugenia,’ said Rifat now. ‘Rudy is upstairs watching a movie. Why don’t you take up these onion bhajis for a snack? I’ve just made them.’
‘Cool, thanks,’ said Ugenia. Now these don’t look boring! she thought.
Rudy was in his room, staring transfixed at the TV.
‘Rudy, you’re so lucky,’ Ugenia sighed. ‘Your family’s really fantastic and interesting. I’m so bored with everything in my life – nothing ever happens and there’s never anything to do.’
‘Watch this,’ replied Rudy, not taking his eyes off the TV. ‘It’s a Hunk Roberts movie called Gorillas in the Mud.’
Ugenia stared at the screen at her favourite action hero, Hunk Roberts, as he danced with large gorillas in a jungle.
‘Wow,’ gasped Ugenia, ‘that looks far more exciting than living in Cromer Road.’
Rudy’s mum came in then, bringing Ugenia and Rudy a large glass of tarberry juice each. She sat down with them and began to comb her long hair that had never been cut.
‘Ugenia, Rudy’s father and I were discussing how nice it would be if you could come on holiday to India with the three of us,’ she said. ‘We’re going next week.’
‘INCREDIBLE!’ screamed Ugenia in excitement. ‘I would love to!’
‘Well, India’s beautiful – there are golden beaches and amazing people, but you must ask your parents first, obviously,’ said Rifat.
Ugenia leaped up, gabbling that she had to get home immediately. She tore down the stairs, flung open the front door and jumped on her bike, pedalling as fast as she could back home to 13 Cromer Road.
‘Mum! Dad!’ she yelled as she ran into the house. ‘I’ve been asked to go on holiday with the Patels to India! Can I go? It’s going to be amazing!’ And Ugenia hopped up and down like an electric kangaroo on super-charged batteries.
‘Er, I’m sorry, Ugenia, but no, you can’t go,’ said her mum.
‘It’s just not possible,’ said her dad.
‘INJUSTICE!’ screamed Ugenia. ‘That’s so unfair – you never let me do anything!’
‘It’s just that we have our own family holiday planned,’ said Professor Lavender gently. ‘It was going to be a big surprise.’
‘Really?’ frowned Ugenia. ‘Where?’
‘Lamorca – it’s a Spanish island,’ said Pandora, smiling.
‘I don’t wanna go to Spain – that’s boring!’ said Ugenia, scowling. How could anywhere possibly be as exciting as India?
‘Actually, Lamorca has a lot of history,’ said Professor Lavender. ‘There are all sorts of prehistoric myths and legends about the island. It’s apparently the place where the first Gorillasaurus rex lived, over two million years ago. The Gorillasaurus was bigger than a house, bigger than a T. rex. In fact, it was absolutely GINORMOUS.’
Boring, thought Ugenia gloomily. Seen it, done it and bought the T-shirt.
‘Ugenia, you should try to enjoy the fact that next week you’re going on a holiday with your own family,’ said Pandora firmly. ‘We’ve been promised a great package – a three-star hotel, entertainment and meals included.’
‘It will be great fun! There’ll be your mum, Granny Betty, your Uncle Harry and me!’ said her dad, smiling enthusiastically.
Boring, thought Ugenia again. ‘Nothing exciting ever happens in my life – it’s all BORING!’ she huffed, stomping upstairs and slamming her bedroom door, which made the house tremble.
The following week the Lavender family was packed and ready to go. They whizzed off to the airport in a big taxi and boarded the Squeezy Jet plane. It was all a bit of a scramble as everyone squashed into their seats and the packed aircraft took off into the sky towards sunny Spain. Uncle Harry sat with Professor Lavender, Granny Betty sat with Pandora, and Ugenia sat next to a very, very stinky fat lady who was sweating a lot and t
ook up half Ugenia’s seat as well as her own.
‘I’m afraid there’s no room in the overhead compartment for this,’ said a rather flustered and snooty fight attendant as she handed back Ugenia’s luminous yellow rucksack as if it smelt.
‘But I have no space myself!’ said Ugenia with her knees squashed up to her chin.
‘This plane food is dreadful!’ said Uncle Harry, accidentally elbowing Professor Lavender in the head.
‘There’s no room for my vanity case,’ sighed Pandora.
‘These mini rolls are yummy,’ said Granny Betty.
‘Have you read the safety instructions?’ said Professor Lavender, peering in the rack in front of him.
Boring, thought Ugenia.
Ugenia was so bored she tried a few things to help pass the time – flicking peanuts over the seat at the passengers’ heads in front of her then pretending to be asleep when they turned around, blowing into the sick bag and then pretending to vomit, and finally trying to read the safety manual, which was by far the most boring . . .
Finally, Ugenia decided the only thing for it was to take a trip to the loo and experiment with the handwipes and free cologne. After that she squeezed herself back into her seat next to the stinky fat lady, who was now fast asleep and drooling over Ugenia’s luminous yellow rucksack.
One long hour and forty very boring minutes later, the Lavenders fastened their seat belts and descended with a bump on to the runway of Lamorca’s little airport.
‘Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. ¡Hola! ¡Buenas tardes! Welcome to Lamorca,’ said the pilot over the cabin radio.
‘Thank goodness!’ said Ugenia as she quickly jumped out of her seat and marched towards the exit doors.
After a long and boring wait in the passport line, and then a long and boring wait for all the Lavenders’ mountain of luggage, they clambered into a dusty old minibus for the long ride out towards Palma Nova. Finally, they were dropped off at their three-star hotel and greeted by their hotel representative.
‘Hello, everybody, my name is Coleen. Welcome to Palma Lamorca Hotel. Not only does your package include breakfast, lunch and dinner – we also have a magnificent swimming pool and evening entertainment!’ She guided them into the hotel reception and handed them all some fruit punch. ‘There’s plenty to do and see here. This afternoon we have aqua-aerobics, and tonight there’s a karaoke competition and an eat-as-much-as-you-like fish buffet,’ Colleen added, smiling.
Ugenia rolled her eyes with boredom. So this is what our holiday is going to be like – boring fish and bad singing, she thought, frowning.
Over the next few days, the Lavenders’ holiday consisted of exactly that – lots of aqua-aerobics in the pool, many fish buffets and karaoke competitions, which all the Lavenders joined in with enthusiastically, except for Ugenia, who found everything completely and utterly boring. She began to moan profusely.
‘I hate aqua-aerobics and fish buffets and karaoke. They’re all utterly boring,’ she said.
‘I’m actually finding the fish buffets rather inspirational,’ said Uncle Harry, who was a chef.
‘I’m loving the karaoke,’ said Granny Betty, who had been a friend of a famous singer called Elvis when she was young, and who still liked to climb on the kitchen table and sing along with pop songs, even though she was 101 years old and should really know better.
‘My tan is coming on a treat doing the aqua-aerobics!’ said Ugenia’s mum.
‘Why don’t you just try to enjoy it with the rest of us?’ said her dad. But before Ugenia could tell them exactly why she found it all so dull, Colleen began the early evening announcements.
‘Tomorrow we have something a bit different for all you more adventurous holidaymakers. We’re going on an excursion!’ she exclaimed. ‘We shall be taking a boat trip to a mysterious and ancient island of exotic spices and pirates. It’s a really wonderful place that is completely uninhabited.’
‘Fantastic!’ said Professor Lavender. ‘Right, Ugenia?’
‘I suppose so. Anything is better than aqua-aerobics,’ grumbled Ugenia.
The next morning, at nine o’clock sharp, the Lavender family boarded a glass-bottomed boat with Colleen. They then stopped off at another neighbouring island and a large group of twenty-five German people joined them, making the boat extremely crowded.
‘Ouch! Mind my foot, you oaf,’ muttered Uncle Harry to a large man who was bright red from too much sunbathing.
Ugenia began to feel hot and flustered as she was squashed into the corner of the boat and the only thing she could see was a lady’s sweaty, hairy armpit. ‘Are we nearly there yet?’ she huffed to her parents.
One very long hour later, just as Ugenia was about to explode with frustration, the glass-bottomed boat pulled up to a beautiful deserted island with a stretch of white sandy beach and a vast jungle with a mountain range peering over top. The ocean glistened with crystal-clear water.
‘We’re here!’ said Colleen as the Lavender family and the large bunch of Germans clambered on to the beach.
The mystery pirate-and-spice-island excursion consisted of most of the German holidaymakers, led by Uncle Harry, assembling a huge barbecue and then roasting five large chickens, while the rest of the Lavenders fished for crabs and shellfish with a few of the German children. There was a bustle of activity on the beach as everyone seemed to be getting on marvellously, all except for Ugenia, who still felt extremely glum and bored.
‘This isn’t exactly exciting, is it? I thought there’d be some sort of adventure at least,’ groaned Ugenia.
‘Come and have some chicken and sauerkraut,’ said Hans, a German holidaymaker who was trying to be friendly to Ugenia. ‘I have plenty, come and join us. Or I have cheese and bratwurst,’ he finished, offering her a large sausage. ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ said Ugenia.
‘Come and fish for a crab!’ called Granny Betty.
‘Let’s tan together!’ said her mother Pandora.
‘Take a look at this marvellous mollusc specimen I found,’ said her dad.
‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ replied Ugenia, who’d decided she wanted to be alone and wandered off down the beach. Everyone else was quite preoccupied with their own activities, so nobody noticed.
The sun was extremely hot as it beat down on the beach. Ugenia strolled in towards the jungle for some shade. Besides, she needed a wee, so she looked for somewhere private as she wandered further into the jungle.
Ugenia trudged a little deeper through the lush glossy vines and thick trees until she came to a secluded spot.
Ah, this looks like a good spot, thought Ugenia as she removed her luminous yellow rucksack, pulled down her denim shorts and crouched behind a bush.
Ugenia took a long satisfying wee . . . ‘Ah, that’s so much better, I’m ready for some lunch now!’ she said as she buttoned up her shorts then peered out above the bushes.
But as Ugenia scanned the jungle for the route she’d taken, she realized she had no idea where she was . . . or which was the way back to her family and the Germans on the beach . . . it all looked the same. Ugenia had no idea how far she had come into the jungle!
Crikey, what am I going to do? thought Ugenia, who was trying not to get worried. OK, I’ll take a lucky guess . . . Ugenia then spun round and decided just to walk in a straight line towards what looked like the friendliest route, with bushes that had the least prickly, spiky leaves. She tried not to freak out about all the strange noises and rustles she kept on hearing. ‘La la la, everything is just fine, yes, la la la, it’s all fine,’ she hummed to herself.
After twenty minutes of marching vigorously, Ugenia was beginning to feel rather tired. Then she saw a clearing ahead of her . . . it was the beach!
Ugenia jumped for joy. ‘I’m starving – I’m so hungry I could even eat some of that weird sauerkraut . . .’
As the jungle opened out on to the large stretch of white sand, Ugenia looked around for her family and the Germans . . . but there wasn’t
anybody in sight. She stared into the distance, but all she could see was mountains of jungle with a monumental volcano looming above them.
‘Where is everyone? Have they left without me or is this a different place?’ Ugenia asked herself.
Ugenia stared in disbelief. The beach was truly deserted – no Mum, no Dad, no Uncle Harry, no Granny Betty, no Germans, no roasting chicken, no sausage or cheese – no one. Just Ugenia, lost on a desert island.
‘Well, I’m certainly alone now, aren’t I?’ She shrugged. ‘Still, I suppose that at least I’ve got some space,’ she said, trying to convince herself that she didn’t feel scared. But Ugenia felt very scared.
She stared at the piercing blue sky. As the sun beat down on her, she could feel her skin begin to burn and beads of sweat began to roll down her face.
I’m thirsty, thought Ugenia, rummaging through her luminous rucksack, pulling out a plastic bottle and desperately drinking the last drop of tarberry juice.
‘I’m hungry,’ said Ugenia, nibbling a tiny crumb of bread roll and licking a fudge wrapper that she found at the bottom of her bag. ‘What am I going to do? If I go back into the jungle I’m going to get even more lost. I’m going to starve to death! Help I need rescuing!’ cried Ugenia, who felt pretty silly as no one could hear her. ‘How will any one even know I’m here? It’s not like I can make a phone call.’
Ugenia stared at the rest of the contents of her yellow rucksack: one Big News! diary, one pen, one pair of shades and one now empty tarberry-juice bottle.
‘Not much use now,’ said Ugenia, slinging the bottle on to the beach . . . when suddenly, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave.
‘Ingenious!’ she cried. ‘A bottle message! If I write a message on this notepad and send it back to Britain, hopefully someone will find it.’
Ugenia Lavender Home Alone Page 1