by Sarah Noffke
“Damn it, I’m always losing robes to this fucking game.” He slapped at the fire, finally extinguishing it.
“I’m not sure why you keep subjecting yourself to this abuse,” Ever said, adding a card to his hand and proudly laying down a winning hand.
“Fuck this game. Let’s have a pissing contest. I’m tired of losing,” Monet said, swiping his wand at the cards on the ground and making them disappear.
“How’s the potion coming along?” Ever asked, glancing at the cauldron, which had been bubbling for the last hour.
Monet gave it a sideways look and shook his head. “It’s not ready, but almost. I need you to flick that eye booger you’ve been accumulating into the cauldron. Then it will most likely be done.”
“That’s what you need? An eye booger?” Ever asked.
“Well, yeah. You need elements of sleep to make someone wake up. Duh. And the potion wasn’t ready for that final ingredient until now. It’s the perfect mud color, which means it’s time.”
“Potions work is kind of strange,” Ever said, poking his finger into the corner of his eye and depositing the booger he’d mined into the simmering cauldron. The concoction hissed and turned black.
“It’s fucking science. You wouldn’t get it, Elf Boy.” Monet withdrew a potion bottle from his robes. He pointed his wand at the cauldron and half the liquid emptied from it, filling the bottle. Monet shook it and smiled proudly. “It’s perfect—the consistency of coffee. This will either do the trick or kill Drago. Only one way to find out!”
Shoving the potion into Ever’s hands, he waved him forward. “I made the miracle potion, so you have to feed the Orc his bottle.”
“Fair enough,” Ever said, smiling widely, his bright blue eyes sparkling.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re overly reasonable and way too fucking chipper?”
“All my life. It’s a curse,” Ever winked.
“You’re not the one who has to look at your mysterious smiles. It’s like you’re secretly having dirty thoughts half the time.”
“It’s not a secret if you call me out,” Ever said, wheeling around and ducking under a set of low-hanging branches.
“How far is Drago? Do I have time to take a nap while you scamper off to wake him?” Monet said, stretching his arms over his head and yawning loudly.
“I think one of us going to sleep when we’re trying to wake an Orc isn’t really productive.”
Monet for once didn’t have a retort, so he just watched as Ever, trailing sparks of light, strode in the lead. Light Elves were a strange species, their brand of magic unique to them.
“He’s just up here,” Ever called over his shoulder.
“Dude, I know. I can smell him. Why do Orcs refuse to bathe? Is that part of their defense mechanism?”
Ever held up a hand and hummed, and the dense foliage in front of them moved out of the path to open a way for them to reach Drago. “Need I remind you that you’ve been in the Dark Forest for a couple of days and could use a shower?”
Monet lifted his arm and sniffed his pits. “Or three. It’s going to take a whole bottle of Squeaky Clean potion to make me smell right again.”
A snore that could wake the dead of Virgo vibrated the ground. An Orc who could rival the chief for size lay in a thorny patch of poison oak. The beast was face-down, his fat head to the side and his eyes gently shut as he breathed through his mouth.
“Uhhh… I thought you found him. Why’d you leave him lying in a patch of poison oak?” Monet asked, scratching his arms as if he’d been infected by the plant’s oils just by looking at it.
Ever shrugged. “Figured the damage had already been done, and you could help me move him when the time came.”
“I can’t believe I’m saving this dumb Orc for the second time.”
“Yes, but Orcs are the natural enemy of the harpies and therefore the best ally for the people of Virgo at the moment.”
“Don’t remind me of logic that is both sensible and detestable.”
“I’ll try, but as you’ll recall, I’m the master of sensibility.”
Monet rubbed his palms together, an eager expression on face. “That’s going to be one pissed Orc when he wakes up. You are fucking screwed feeding him that potion.”
“Yeah, about that,” Ever said, staring down tentatively at the snoring mass of muscle. “I’m going to need your help with that part.”
“What… Ever?” Monet sing-songed with a clever smile.
“Ha-ha. But seriously. Can you at least levitate him a bit off the poison oak so I can slip him the potion? I’d like to avoid having boils all over my body.”
“All right, fine, but you owe me something way better than a fucking Fitbit.”
“Noted.” Ever uncorked the bottle just as Monet waved his wand in the air, lifting Drago as he did.
“Can you pull him up a bit higher?” Ever asked, trying to slide the bottle into the Orc’s mouth, but he was hovering low to the ground.
“I can.” Monet rocked forward onto his toes and then back on his heels.
“So will you?” Sweat was pouring down Ever’s black sideburns as he extended his arm to its full length. His muscles trembled as he tried to balance the bottle against Drago’s lips. Tilting his arm slightly, he poured the potion into the Orc’s sleeping mouth, but it just ran out the other side. Gravity was a bitch.
“It’s not working because he’s lying face-down,” Ever said, nearly slipping and falling into the patch of poison oak.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Monet waved his wand in a circle and the Orc’s rotated one hundred-eight degrees, his face now angled toward the sky.
“That helps. Why didn’t you say you could turn him right-side up?” Ever said, wiping his sleeve across his forehead.
“You didn’t ask,” Monet said, a laugh in his voice.
Ever nodded and inched close to the Orc, who still snored loudly. Again Ever’s arm shook as he stretched across the space between them and tipped the bottle into Drago’s mouth. As if a realization had swept over the Light Elf, he yanked his arm back and jerked his chin up to stare at Monet.
“Is there something you could be doing to make my job easier?” he asked with a skeptical look on his face.
“Like this?” Monet swung his wand in the air and the bottle in Ever’s hand flew from his grasp. It hovered just over Drago’s lips and then tipped, spilling the liquid, most of it making it into his mouth.
“Why did you make me risk getting infected if you could do that?” Ever asked, looking quite irritable.
“Because watching you sweat with fear while you balanced was incredibly entertaining.”
Drago’s snores halted and a great sputter erupted from his mouth.
“Uh-oh,” Monet said, dropping his wand, which made Drago crash back down into the pile of poison oak.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Drago awoke with a pain-riddled scream. He launched himself into a sitting position with murder in his eyes. His long pointy claws ripped into his own skin, which was covered with red blisters.
When he swung his gaze in Monet’s direction, Drago’s eyes narrowed. “You!” he yelled, fumbling to his giant feet. The thorns of the poison oak caught his legs, making him stumble backward and fall hard on his tailbone.
Monet only stared, trying not to laugh, but Ever was intent on helping. He moved forward, hands in a placating position in front of him.
“You’re all right,” he said calmly, stepping closer to the hyperventilating giant. The ring in Drago’s nose vibrated from the heaving breaths.
“Well, you’re all right, except for the possibly lethal dose of poison oak you’ve been exposed to,” Monet said, pointing to the thorny poison oak patch, the worst possible place in the Dark Forest for the Orc to have fallen asleep.
“You’re not helping,” Ever snapped in his direction.
Still scratching and panting, Drago dragged himself to one knee, the knuckles of one hand stabiliz
ing him on the ground. Like a bull about to charge, he bared his immense teeth in Monet’s direction. “You!”
“You already said that. Don’t repeat yourself.” From his belt he withdrew the knife Azure had given him, the one Drago had given her. “And yes, me. I was sent to save your ass.”
“My knife!” Drago yelled. Apparently he didn’t have an inside voice.
“Yes, yes,” Monet said, his tone bored. “Azure gave it to me to show you. It’s proof that I’m here to rescue you and reunite you with your tribe. They are all waiting, but they won’t recognize you if you claw your skin off.”
“He’s in pain,” Ever said, his voice sympathetic.
“Oh, I’m sure every part of him, including his balls, is on fire.” Monet gave a long whistle.
“Isn’t there something you can do? A potion you can work up?” Ever asked.
“I could, but I believe that time is of the essence, and you’ve wasted enough of it screwing around. Isn’t there something you might do besides stand around and look fretful?”
“Who are you?” Drago asked, now turning his menacing gaze at Ever.
“He’s the pain in the ass I’ve been asked to babysit,” Monet said, spinning his wand around in his hands.
“I’m Ever, a friend of Princess Azure’s. And I think there’s something here I can use to combat the symptoms. The only problem is that finding it will draw attention to us.”
“Like an Orc screaming and throwing a fit isn’t already doing that? Work your hocus-pocus. I’m overdue for a shower and a bucket of mead,” Monet grumbled, the lack of proper provisions making him extra grumpy.
Holding his hand up, Ever swiped it through the air. The forest around them lightened, leaves and foliage glowing until they were almost too bright to stare at.
“What the fuck?” Monet asked, covering his eyes as the long leaves of a plant peeled back. Behind it, something glowed brighter than anything else around them. It was like everything in the forest was covered in gold.
“Ah, there you are!” Ever knelt, plucking the glowing object from the ground. He held the cylindrical pod-looking thing in the air.
“A techno seed,” Ever said, eying the large object.
The glowing light imbuing all the vegetation faded and shadows returned to the forest.
“Lucky there was one of those lying around,” Monet said, yawning again.
“Yes, but the technique I used to find it will have attracted the attention of predators,” Ever said, daring to step closer to Drago, who had now clawed his arms so much they were covered in long red streaks. “Open this and spread it on your skin. I promise it will help.”
The Orc grunted in reply, taking the yellow seed from him. When he squeezed it in his hand, white liquid leaked out. Drago dragged the seed across his skin.
“Okay, well, if you’re done playing doctor, we need to be on our way before the harpies decide to make me into a scrumptious dinner,” Monet said, taking the lead as he set off.
“Actually, Virgo is that way,” Ever said, pointing in the opposite direction.
“I totally knew that.”
“You would know that if you had used the navigation on the Fitbit I got you.”
Monet eyed the device on his wrist. “That’s funny, because right now it’s just telling me that talking to you is elevating my heart rate. Apparently you’re unhealthy for me.”
Ever paused every couple yards, scanning the forest around them. It was quiet, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
“I was asleep?” Drago asked, still scratching his skin.
“Yes. You ate those blue berries. Those were ambien berries, which cause permanent sleep, but Monet created an antidote.”
“I was hungry. I gave my knife to Princess Azure. That left me no way to catch food, since I was separated from the tribe,” Drago said, grunting between sentences as he clawed at his chest and back.
“Dude, you’re the dumbest Orc in existence. Why would you give away your knife to some dumb princess?” Monet said, shaking his head.
“She rescued me!” Drago yelled, his voice cracking.
“And now I’ve rescued you, and all I ask in return is that you take a thorough bath. I’m really so noble.” Monet paused, noticing that Drago had stopped.
“What is it, big guy?”
“There.” He held his thick finger up to the sky, which was mostly obscured by branches.
“Would you please use your words?” Monet asked.
“Harpy!” Drago roared, leaping forward and pushing the other two men to the ground. He pulled back his muscular arm and launched it into the air just as a screech filled the sky.
Monet peeked out from under his robes, keeping his knees under his body. “Knife! Take it!” He pulled the knife from his belt and launched it into the air, high enough that Drago could catch it. Once the Orc had the weapon, Monet drew his head back down low, knowing that being as close to the ground as possible was the easiest way to avoid becoming harpy chum.
The sounds of clicking claws and high-pitched screams filled the air for several long moments. A swooshing wind collided with the backs of their heads, and the shrieking grew more indistinct.
“She’s gone,” Drago said, his voice a bit tired.
Monet lifted his chin to find several branches broken and some blood spattered on the ground around them. Ever rose to a standing position, peering into the afternoon sky.
“That was a close one,” the Light Elf said.
“And you both would have been utterly screwed if not for me,” Monet told them, dusting off his robes as he pulled himself to his feet.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Azure could almost smell the green hills of Virgo, they were so close. She wanted to believe the air around them had lightened, but that might just be an illusion in her mind. They’d traveled for twenty minutes in silence, but now it was filled with Buzz Buzz’ soft humming. The Orcs had grown more peaceful since the pixie joined the group. Maybe there was hope for this usually violent species. At least, Azure wanted to believe there was.
“Ten-thousand one hundred twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight,” a voice called from just behind them.
Azure spun, a wide smile lighting her face. “Monet,” she called in a hushed voice.
“Twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one,” the voice continued, traveling through the mist of the Dark Forest.
She squinted, trying to make out the figures moving in their direction. “Ever? Is that you?”
The mist swirled away from the trees like smoke evaporating from the surface of a cauldron.
“Thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four,” the voice continued as the sunlight filtering in from overhead made the figures visible.
Azure blew out a giant breath. Monet, Ever, and Drago marched forward, two of the three with their heads held high. Staring at his Fitbit, Monet continued calling off his steps.
“Oh, Merlin, they’ve had to deal with that all this time!” Azure said, half-smiling to herself.
“He’s a special sort, isn’t he?” Gillian said, and Azure could have sworn he looked a little relieved to see the three.
The chief strode away from the group, clapping a hand on Drago’s shoulder. “Welcome back. You okay?”
Drago didn’t answer properly, just nodded slightly.
“Hi, Drago,” Azure said. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Thank you, Princess. Again you saved me,” Drago said, pulling his knife from his belt. “I believe this is still yours.”
“Uhhh… Drago, don’t you remember nearly being killed by a harpy and needing your knife for defense? Maybe you should hold onto it.” Monet shook his head at the Orc.
“Harpy? You encountered another one?” Azure asked, checking the wizard and Ever to ensure they didn’t have any gaping wounds.
“Yes, and I saved the day by tossing Dumbgo his knife,” Monet declared, winking at Azure. “Good to see you didn’t get yourself killed in my absence.”
&
nbsp; “Well, we nearly did. The humans have set net traps around our borders.” Azure turned and presented the pixie, who had been fluttering near her back. “Meet…well, I don’t know her name. I’m calling her ‘Buzz Buzz.’”
“You adopted a pixie? Ugly-warrior creatures, angry gnomes… What’s next, a bad-luck troll?” Monet sank down with his hands on his knees as he regarded the tiny pixie. “I’m a powerful wizard. I will allow you to cook all my food and clean my cottage, at no charge to you.”
An angry scowl covered Buzz Buzz’ usually cheerful face. She balled her fist at her side and pulled back her foot, launching it at Monet’s shin.
“Ouch!” he shrieked, hopping on one leg and grabbing his knee. “That little thing is surprisingly strong.”
“So don’t piss her off.” Azure laughed. She held the knife out to Drago. “You must keep your knife. You’ll need it. The chief has agreed to guard our borders in payment for your return.”
“Then I’ll have a weapon,” Drago said, turning to the chief for acknowledgement. From his back he pulled a bow and arrow. Many of the Orcs carried this type of weapon. He handed it to Drago, whose arms were streaked with red blisters.
“Okay, well, it sounds like the harpies have moved in close. Chief, will you please spread your tribe around the borders of Virgo? A harpy invasion would be deadly to my people,” Azure said, fear and pride simultaneously spreading through her chest. She was back, ready to protect her people.
“Yes, Princess Azure. As promised, we will protect your borders,” the chief said, clapping a fist to his chest.
“Thank you. I will have food and water brought to you,” Azure said, her body aching and ready for a respite. In just a little while, she’d be in Virgo.
“Are you ready?” Azure turned, regarding the ragtag group at her back.