CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
* * *
LET’S MAKE LOVE
CHAPTER 1
* * *
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
CHAPTER 2
* * *
HOMETOWN STORY
CHAPTER 3
* * *
SOME LIKE IT HOT
CHAPTER 4
* * *
HOW TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE
CHAPTER 5
* * *
RIVER OF NO RETURN
CHAPTER 6
* * *
SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE
CHAPTER 7
* * *
MONKEY BUSINESS
CHAPTER 8
* * *
THE MISFITS
CHAPTER 9
* * *
ALL ABOUT EVE
CHAPTER 10
* * *
THE PRINCE AND THE SHOWGIRL
CHAPTER 11
* * *
AS YOUNG AS YOU FEEL
CHAPTER 12
* * *
THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PHOTOGRAPHERS
To every girl
who has ever put
effort into
looking good,
And to every man
who has appreciated
those efforts.
LET’S MAKE LOVE
an introduction
Hello, I’m Amanda Lepore, the most expensive body on earth.
Thank you so much for buying my book. If you didn’t buy it and are reading this in your local bookstore, make sure the cover is clearly visible to your fellow patrons. You obviously have good taste and I want the whole store to see what you’re reading. Trust me: they want to know.
I wrote this entire manuscript longhand, with a feathered pen, on Chanel No. 5 scented paper, in a big pink mansion, just like the one Jayne Mansfield had. I worship Jayne Mansfield. Everything she owned was pink. Except for Mickey Hargitay; that beefcake was Hungarian.
Can you see me sitting at my escritoire, completely naked, coining phrases and reminiscing? Really try and see it. Visuals are so supremely important.
When I’m not writing, or ending world famine (by not eating), or negotiating peace in the Middle East (threesome with an Iranian and an Israeli), I spend my time beautifying. It’s 90 percent of what I do. I don’t make excuses; I’m very vain. I love my body and I love showing it off. You can get away with almost anything when you look good.
Everyone has their own standard of beauty, for themselves and the people around them. Some people don’t like the way I look. I’ve seen comments posted on my Instagram and the hate and ugliness are pretty powerful. But for every person who says I look like the Mistress of Frankenstein, there’s another who thinks I’m gorgeous. I don’t give a second thought to the negativity. You can’t control what people say about you. You can only control how you choose to react to it.
The reason I have such thick skin (figuratively, physically my skin is basically translucent) is that at the age of seventeen, I got my pussy. It was all I ever wanted out of life, and everything since then has just been a maraschino cherry on top. I’m so happy to be living the life I want in the body I want to have. I don’t let little things bother me.
Recently, I met this gorgeous, twenty-one-year-old Jersey boy named Marco. We started chatting and flirting (two things I’m very good at), when a friend of his yelled out to him, “She was a man! What are you doing?”
Marco apologized to me. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” he said. “I’ve been staring at you all night. They don’t make girls like you in Jersey.” He came back to my place and we had great sex (something else I’m good at). If I had let his friend bother me, I would have missed out on a ten-inch dick. I have a sixth sense for big dicks; it’s a blessing and a curse.
Many transgender girls are scared, vulnerable, and miserable in their own bodies. They can’t speak up for themselves because they’re too busy trying not to get clocked. They are focused on blending in and living their lives as naturally born women. I, on the other hand, have no interest in anything “natural.” I’d rather look like Jessica Rabbit or Marilyn Monroe. So I always felt it was important to be open about how happy I am to be transsexual, to give a voice to all the girls who don’t have one.
Now, times are changing. You have Laverne Cox on the cover of Time. Janet Mock is a New York Times best-selling author. Carmen Carrera is bringing it to the kids. And Caitlyn Jenner . . . well, she’s changed everything. These are strong, proud women who won’t hide in the shadows any longer.
The transgender civil rights movement is gathering momentum amazingly quickly. Yet some things are slow to change. Christine Jorgensen was the first transsexual woman to gain national media attention in the 1950s. If you watch videos of her talking to the press, she was very poised, articulate, and polite, but the reporters could be really unintelligent in their questioning. Some sixty years later, trannies are still dealing with much the same thing. Being transgender raises a lot of questions and confusion for some people. Trans-phobic and trans-ignorant are two different things, and I’m so proud of Laverne, Carmen, and all the other girls who are speaking up and quieting ignorance through understanding. Visibility is power.
I wasn’t always so Zen. When I was younger, and vulnerable to other people’s opinions, I was up in arms over my identity. I was a woman, flat out. If someone used the wrong pronoun I never corrected them. I was too scared to stand up for myself, but on the inside I was angry and sensitive. A lot of young people are angry and sensitive. If you happen to be young and transgender, then you’re used to people being hateful towards you when all you want to do is exist. Through all the insanity in my life, there was only one thing I could control: myself. On the outside, obviously, but on the inside too. I focused on not letting other people’s opinions have any effect on me whatsoever, and that’s how I’ve lived my life ever since.
I hope this book shows you there are as many different ways to be transgender as there are to be a woman, which is what I am. When you get me alone, which I’m sure some of you reading this (one or two) have, you’ll see that deep down there’s nothing but woman here, sitting on this pussy, writing these words. Transsexual is only one of a long list of adjectives (I hope my use of the word “adjective” doesn’t change your opinion of me as a sexy blonde bombshell) that describe Amanda Lepore, and it’s much farther down the list than words like sexy, beautiful, stunning, perfect . . . not to mention humble.
XOXOXO,
PS. I didn’t really write the book longhand. It’s hard enough to sign my name with these stiletto nails, let alone write a whole book. But I love the image, don’t you? Let’s just go with it.
Chapter 1
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES
When I was a child, I had a recurring dream. In this dream I was locked in a tower. It was sort of like the fairy tale Rapunzel, except there was no witch and no prince. Just me and my yards and yards of perfectly silky, strawberry blonde hair. As I combed, the hair would grow. I’d keep combing and combing, the hair would keep growing and growing, and very quickly the whole room would fill.
Usually it was a great dream; I loved having all that hair. But I’d wake up sad, because in reality my hair was clipped short, like a boy’s.
Sometimes the dream would turn dark. My hair would not stop growing. My long locks would pin me down and fill my mouth and nose. I’d wake up out of breath and grabbing at my head, trying to push all that dream hair off my face.
Hair became an issue in my house when I was five. Mine was getting longer and I was so happy, bu
t Dad hated it. He kept telling Mom to take me to the barber, but she never would. One night, he told me he’d take me himself the next day. As Mom put me to bed, I begged her not to let him. She made me a secret promise that I could keep my hair as long as I wanted. I loved my mom very much.
During dinner the next day Dad said he’d take me to the barber as soon as we were done eating. My brother started laughing at me, and just then Mom burnt her arm on the stovetop, real bad. Mom was always graceless in the kitchen. Dad jumped up so fast to help her, his pudgy little legs gave out and he fell backward.
In all the commotion, Dad forgot about the barber.
A week later, Dad had us all pile into his Cadillac, telling us we were going to the mall. Instead, he pulled up in front of a barbershop and turned the engine off.
“Hurry along inside! I’ll wait here,” he said.
Mom didn’t say anything, so neither did I. I had come to terms with my fate; there was no use crying about it now. We walked inside. Mom yelled something to the bald old barber and I sat in his chair. He draped a smock around my neck and I heard clippers buzz on. The chair spun around backward, placing me face to face with Mom, who was holding a pair of scissors and staring at the barber.
“Mom?” She wasn’t paying attention. “Mom, you know I’m really a girl, right? I don’t want a boy’s haircut.”
She glanced at me and said, “I know.” Then her eyes went right back to the barber. “Don’t choke my son,” she said.
“Mom, I’m not your son, I’m a girl.”
She wasn’t listening. The barber was talking low to Mom, trying to calm her down. But then he said the one thing she most hated to hear: “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
She snapped. “You’re choking him!” Mom screamed as loud as she could, like Janet Leigh in Pyscho. The barber jumped back and Mom grabbed me, snipping the scissors in the air. “Don’t hurt him!” She screamed out. “Get away from him with that thing!” The clippers droned off and Dad ran inside. Mom kept screaming, the barber was white as the smock I was covered in, and I was all smiles.
Guess I wouldn’t be getting my hair cut after all.
MY HAIR
LOOKS
FIERCE
My favorite hair product is bleach.
•
A thick conditioner is my second favorite. I take a drop of Aveda Blue Malva conditioner and mix it into a thick white conditioner until it turns lavender. That keeps my hair platinum.
•
All girls should experiment with hairpieces. It’s like wearing a chicken cutlet push up bra, but for your hair. I keep my real hair in a one-length long bob, which I roller-set and comb forward, pin curl half my head, and wear a half wig hairpiece for volume and lift.
•
L’Oreal Paris Elnett Satin Hairspray is easy to comb out, so I can restyle for a few days.
•
My pubic hair is shaped into a neat racing stripe and bleached and conditioned regularly. My pussy is pink, platinum and pretty.
The next day my brother Joseph and I came home from school to find Dad in the living room with his ultra-Catholic sister, Aunt Marie.
Neither of them said anything but they looked super-serious. I was sure they had found out Joseph had fingered this girl down the street and maybe he’d even gotten her pregnant. He was talking about it all the time. Dad was bound to find out sooner or later, and having Aunt Marie in tow meant a whole bunch of Hail Marys were coming.
“What’s going on?” Joseph asked.
“Yeah, where’s Mom?” I added.
Dad stood up. “Let’s go to the toy store.”
Aunt Marie and I sat in the back of Dad’s turquoise blue Cadillac, his most prized possession. She held my hand and looked down at me like I was a puppy she couldn’t save from the pound.
“Your mom decided to take a vacation,” Aunt Marie said. She was a bad liar. “To Florida. It was so last minute, there was no time to say good-bye. She’s probably on the beach as we speak.”
“Oh,” Joseph said, “that’s weird.” His shoulders relaxed. This wasn’t about him.
Dad said nothing but I saw him staring at me in the rearview mirror. I was sure he had punished Mom for what happened at the barbershop. It was all my fault; she was only trying to protect me. Aunt Marie pulled me into her oversized bosom. She smelled like smoked sausages and garlic.
At the toy store Dad finally spoke. “Pick any toy you want and I’ll meet you up front.”
Joseph ran over to the Hot Wheels. I made my way to my favorite section: Barbie.
Barbie was my best friend and everything I wanted to be, before I even knew what I wanted. My first was a hand-me-down Malibu Barbie, in a baby blue bathing suit. A neighborhood girl named Katie, who did ballet and had pierced ears, received a second one for her birthday and gave the old doll to me. I was super-jealous of Katie, but was willing to look past that to play with her dolls. Once I had my own Barbie, though, all I wanted to do was sit in my room, brushing Barbie’s long blonde hair and pretending it was mine.
Malibu Barbie melted when I tried to give her a suntan on our space heater. The house smelled like burnt plastic for a few hours but my heartbreak lasted longer; I’d ruined my favorite toy. Mom told me not to worry and started buying me new Barbie dolls. I built up a respectable collection; my favorite was P.J., with her pouty lips and long lashes. Sears did an exclusive P.J. with a tweed skirt and Mom and I went to breakfast one day, then each got one. We spent the rest of the afternoon playing together; our P.J.s were sisters and best friends.
I dreamily walked toward Dad in that toy store, with a Sweet 16 Barbie pressed to my heart, and a grin pasted across my face.
“That’s what you want?” Dad looked disappointed.
“Let him get it,” Aunt Marie said. “He’s a kid. He’ll grow out of it.”
“This is getting ridiculous.” Dad grabbed the doll out of my hand, paid, and we left.
I kept silent. Dad was upset with me but I had no idea why. Plus I was so excited about Sweet 16 Barbie! I’d just given Quick Curl Skipper an awful bob and I needed a new bratty teen sister to play house with.
On the way home I noticed we passed our street and instinctually knew Dad was driving to the barbershop. I started sobbing and crying for Mom. Aunt Marie tried to settle me down but I was having none of it.
Dad picked me up out of the backseat, placed me in the barber’s chair, and stood stoically over me. The barber said nothing. Considering last time I was there he was basically attacked with his own scissors, I’m sure he just wanted us gone. As the clippers began buzzing, I closed my eyes and held on to Sweet 16 Barbie, imagining the perfect life she led.
That night I had my worst Rapunzel dream yet. I was stuck in a never-ending ocean of my own hair. I tried to swim through it, but the weight of my hair was pulling me further down.
“BOYS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH DOLLS.”
I woke up grabbing at my head, and cried when I remembered all my hair was cut off. Drowning in a sea of hair would have been way better. I reached out for Sweet 16 Barbie. She wasn’t on my bed, where I’d left her, and something was very wrong with my room. For a second I couldn’t figure it out. Then I realized; every single doll I owned was gone.
“Dad!” I screamed. “We’ve been robbed. My dolls are gone.”
Dad came in and looked at me like I was a purple duck. “We weren’t robbed. Your dolls are gone and you’re not getting them back. I don’t ever want to talk about this again.”
My entire body shook. Dad reached out for me but I ran to the bathroom, feeling vomit rise in my throat.
I was too sick to go to school, so Dad had to stay home with me since Mom was still on “vacation.” The next day, he hired a sitter; Nanny Nice I called her.
Nice sat with me and tried to make me eat chicken broth. She knitted while she listened to me cry about my mom, my dolls, and my hair, putting her needles down every few minutes to put her hand to her heart and tell
me “There, there” or “Hush, hush.”
On the third day of this, Nice had a “private talk” with Dad. Afterward he came up to my room.
“Boys aren’t supposed to play with dolls,” he said.
I hid my face under my blankets. “I don’t care. When does Mom get home?”
“Your dolls are in the trunk of the car . . .” I didn’t let him finish. I ran out to the garage and almost unlatched the trunk but remembered it was a bad idea to touch Dad’s car without his permission. He followed in right after and I jumped up and down and giggled as he picked up a box filled with my dolls, and brought it up to my room.
Dad tried to make amends: he handed me a perfectly wrapped gift box. In it was a brand-new purple Barbie Corvette. I hugged and thanked him. He patted my head and sat down in his chair to watch the news.
Nanny Nice and I celebrated by going to a fabric store and picking out materials for a pretty green dress with pink stitching for Barbie to wear. It was fun, but I felt guilty, being so happy without Mom.
A couple weeks later Mom came back, seeming much more relaxed but not as tan as I expected after such a long stay in Florida. I cried of course, and told her all about Nanny Nice and my new doll clothes and Sweet 16 Barbie who P.J. thought was a real brat.
Nice tried to convince Mom that she could be a big help around the house but Mom told her to “Fuck off.” Mom didn’t want a stranger in her house. I watched through the bathroom window as Nice left. She was crying, but she smiled when she saw me and waved good-bye.
Doll Parts Page 1