"Of course it's about you," he says, raising his voice. My eyes widen, and he immediately lowers his tone. "Avery, I miss you. And it kills me to not be able to touch you or, at the very least, talk to you every day. Tell me I'm not alone here. Tell me you feel the same way. Tell me you miss me too."
My walls slowly start to crumble around me, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes once again. "I tried so hard to move on…to forget you…but I can't," I say, my voice breaking. "I do feel the same way, Max. It's killing me too every single second of every single day."
He reaches out and takes my hand in his. "I'm not letting you go."
I stare at our joined hands. He gives mine a gentle squeeze for reassurance. I look up into his eyes, and I find a peace there that I can't find anywhere else in this world. "I don't want you to let me go," I confess.
Max gently pulls on my hand, and I fall into his arms. He holds me, and I can barely contain my emotions. After all the pain and abuse this week, it feels so damn good to be held and comforted. The tears that I had so desperately tried to hide earlier come flooding out, spilling over my cheeks. Max strokes my hair and hushes me. "I'm here, Avery. I've always been here, and I'm not going anywhere. You were just too damn stubborn to see that."
"It's too dangerous for us to be together, Max," I whisper, but I can't seem to force myself to leave the safety of his arms. "We shouldn't even be talking right now."
He pulls back and meets my stare. "We don't know what the future holds, Avery, but we can embrace this moment. Only here. Only now. Remember?"
I nod.
He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in this throat. "Tell me you want to be with me, and we'll figure the rest out. We'll find a way to be together."
Fear keeps me from answering right away. I take a couple of steps away from him, needing the distance to think. "I want to be with you. I miss you so much it hurts. But, Max ---."
He shakes his head, stopping me. "No buts. We'll worry about everything else later. Right now the only thing that matters is that we care for each other and that we want to be together no matter what. We'll get through this, Avery. I promise."
I want to ask him how or when, but I don't. A big part of me wants to believe that everything will work out for the best. Maybe we'll figure it out. Maybe we won't, but I know I don't want to spend another minute without Max and worrying about the what ifs. I want him. I want to be with him. But it's not going to be easy. "I'm scared," I confess.
"Don't worry. We'll be careful. He won't find out about us," he says, as if he's reading my mind.
I close my eyes, wishing I had just an ounce of his strength and determination. "I hate that it has to be this way."
"It won't always be like this, Avery."
I open my eyes, and they lock onto his. "Promise. Promise me, Max."
"I promise," he says with all the confidence in the world. He takes a step towards me, but stops abruptly. "I want to hold you so bad right now and show you how much I've missed you." He steps back and clenches his hands into fists at his sides. "Meet me tonight on the beach. I need to see you, Avery. I need to be with you."
Hesitating for only a moment, I nod my head in agreement. "Okay. I'll meet you."
He flashes me that familiar grin of his and walks away. I instantly feel a million times better, and I know I can thank Max for that. He is like a breath of fresh air when I feel like I'm so close to suffocating. I don't know how we'll make it work, but I'm more determined than ever to try for Max…for me…for us.
*
During the day, Max and I get back into our regular routine. We eat lunch together. We visit Jacob together. I finally have a real smile on my face after a week of being in complete misery. It feels so good to feel happy again. The feeling is beyond words.
After dinner, Nathan goes to bed early. He has a lot of surgeries scheduled for the next day, and so he wants to be well rested. The timing couldn't have worked out any better. I can barely refrain myself from running out the door when he goes to bed, but I make myself wait until I know he's sound asleep.
I pull on a pair of sneakers and make my way outside. The ocean breeze gusts over my face, and I feel rejuvenated. I feel alive for the first time since Nathan got back. I jog down the steps and walkway. As soon as my feet hit the sand, I see him. Max is standing right by the water, facing the ocean. My heart practically leaps out of my chest as I run towards him.
He turns, as if he could sense me coming, and opens his arms. I gladly run into them, and he squeezes me so tight it almost hurts. He kisses my face, raining kisses on my forehead, my cheeks, my jaw and my mouth. "I've missed you. It's insane how much I've missed you, Avery."
We find a spot behind a sand dune at the end of the row of houses that is secluded from any prying eyes. I lean against the hill as Max's lips tease me into a frenzy. His tongue licks my heated skin at the base of my neck. My fingers itch to touch every single inch of him. But when I reach out for him, he shakes his head. "Tonight is all about you," he whispers.
His hands grip the bottom hem of my dress and pull it up over my head in one sweep. I stand before him in a bra and panties, and he licks his lower lip as his eyes peruse me. He growls in approval before putting his lips on me once again.
My head falls back against the dune as Max's mouth trails kisses down my chest. He licks and nips my taut stomach, and it makes me quiver in anticipation. He kneels down in front of me and says, "Look at me, Avery."
My eyes find his. I swallow back a moan just from the sight of him. It feels like it's been years instead of just a little over a week since I've felt his touch like this. I didn't realize how much I truly missed him until this moment. I didn't know I could ever feel like this with someone.
"I'm going to show you how much I've missed you, and I want you to watch me." He grins that panty-melting grin of his, and then his attention focuses on my body. His index finger slides up the length of my sex, and I can feel the moisture pooling in my panties. "So wet for me already," he says with a growl.
Hearing Max this turned on has my body on overdrive. I'm literally panting in anticipation of what's to come. And when he strokes me again, I find myself begging, "Please."
His fingers hook onto the waistband of my panties, and he draws them down my legs. I kick them off and stand there bare in front of him. A soft breeze blows against my exposed sex, and I bite my lower lip to keep from crying out. I'm so turned on that I know the lightest of touches is going to have me falling apart.
Max's hands wrap around the back of my thighs, and he parts my legs slightly. He gently kisses my right thigh and then the left. I squirm in his grip and try not to scream out in frustration. "So eager," he says with a lopsided grin as he stares up at me.
"Please, Max. I need you," I whisper. My voice sounds strained and needy.
The moment his tongue hits the apex of my thighs, I cry out. I forgot how good his tongue felt. He laps at my clit, and my legs shake in his hands. My eyes fall closed and my mouth falls open, but Max abruptly stops. "Watch me, Avery," he commands.
My gaze locks onto him. Max is so different tonight…controlling and hot. But he is the type of controlling that I don't mind. He's not hurting me in the process. He's making me feel desired, and it's a whole different side to him that I am able to love.
Once he's satisfied that I'm watching, his mouth returns to my clit. I can feel every movement of his lips, his tongue and his teeth as he gently nips my most sensitive area. It doesn't take long for me to build up to a precipice. My body trembles against him, and I call out his name as the orgasm washes over me. Wave after wave flows through me, and the roar of the ocean behind him masks my cries of pleasure.
After I come down from my high, Max helps me to get dressed. And then he holds me in his arms without saying a word. He just strokes my back and kisses my neck every so often. He holds me tight like he's afraid I'll disappear. I realize in that moment that Max is my only reason for surviving at this point. If we h
ave to keep sneaking around, I will do it if it means just one more moment with him. I need Max as much as he needs me, if not more; and I'll do anything not to lose him again.
CHAPTER 12
AVERY
Over the next couple of weeks, Max and I spend every second we can together. We usually only get a few minutes here and there, but we take them and cherish them. The abuse from Nathan doesn't get any better or less frequent, but being with Max allows me to continue on, to forge through all of the tough times.
It's Thursday night, and Nathan and I are enjoying a hearty beef stew that I had prepared when he says, "I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon. One of my patients in California needs some work done before a movie premiere. I won't be home until Sunday night. Late."
I quickly oppress my elation. I force myself to just nod in answer to his statements. This is the first time he's left for the weekend since the conference in Seattle. And I can barely contain my excitement that I will have a whole weekend to be with Max.
"Avery," Nathan says, sternly, bringing my attention to him. "I wouldn't go if I had any other choice. I don't like the thought of leaving you here alone again considering what occurred when I was in Seattle. It's been tough getting things back to the way they once were, and I don't want to leave knowing that it's going to happen again." He straightens in his chair. "It won't happen again, will it?"
"No," I say meekly.
"And what will you do when I call you?" he prompts firmly.
"Answer the phone."
"Good girl," he replies. "I expect you to answer. Every. Single. Time," he says, drawing each word out for emphasis. "Do we understand each other?"
"Yes," I say without hesitation. I hate how I sound so obedient, but it's better for me in the long run to just comply with whatever he says. I've learned that the hard way over the years.
Satisfied, he wipes his mouth with a linen napkin before standing. "You outdid yourself with dinner. I think it was actually better than my mother's recipe."
"Thank you," I say, surprised by his compliment. It's been so long since he's said anything nice to me that I'm almost in shock.
"I'm going to do a little packing before I go to bed. Will you help me?"
I stare at him with skepticism. He's actually asking me to help? This is so unlike Nathan that it's almost scary. "S-sure," I stammer with apprehension. Warning bells are going off in my head, but I try to tell myself that everything is okay. Maybe he's just in a good mood…for once in his life. "Let me clean up in here, and then I'll come help," I suggest.
"No," he says. "Let's go pack now, and then you can clean up."
My nervousness instantly wears off. He's back to his bossy, demanding self. At least he dropped the nice guy act. "Okay," I agree, following him to the bedroom. Once I enter the room, I notice that his suitcase is sitting in the corner of the room. "I thought you said you needed help pack---?" The rest of the question doesn't even make it out of my mouth before he suddenly grabs me and pushes me to the bed. His body pins me down as he says through gritted teeth, "I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt before I leave tomorrow, Avery, who the fuck owns you."
"Nathan, no! Please! No!" I cry, pleading with him.
The fabric from my dress stretches and rips as he tears it from my body. His compliments and kindness were all a ruse. He was purposefully trying to lure me into the bedroom so that he could rape me and assert his dominance before his trip. He wants me to know how bad it can get, as if I could ever forget. "No!" I scream, fighting him as best I can.
His knee digs into my back, and it's hard for me to breathe. "Don't fucking move, or I'll make this ten times worse, Avery. Don't. Test. Me!" he roars.
My body instantly stills. His fingers grab the hem of my thong, ripping the material until it falls around me in a shredded mess like the rest of my clothes. He mounts me from behind, and I do everything in my power not to scream. Fat tears fall from my eyes as I stare out the window at the dark ocean. I withdraw into myself, not wanting to mentally be present in this moment. I focus on the water lapping against the beach as I withdraw even further.
I no longer hear my cries. I no longer hear his grunts and malicious insults. And I no longer feel the pain emanating from my core.
The ocean is my sanctuary, and I focus every single inch of my mind on it. It seems like hours pass, but maybe it's only a few minutes. I don't know. But Nathan eventually leaves the room. I stay on the bed and curl up into a ball. The tears still fall from my eyes, but I don't even feel like I'm crying. In fact, I don't think I can feel anything at all. And that scares the hell out of me.
*
The next day at the hospital is nerve-wracking, and I'm second-guessing my decision to come in to volunteer. I'm running on autopilot, barely comprehending the world around me. I spend most of my time hidden away in the bathroom, crying to myself. I can't seem to stop crying over last night. I feel used and irrevocably broken. Nathan has raped me before, but this time was different. This time I felt like a part of me was lost in the process.
The past few weeks with Max have opened my eyes. I'm no longer a living, breathing doll incapable of feeling anything. I am finally alive; and, in return, feeling everything. Now that I know what it can be like in a loving relationship, everything to the contrary affects me a million times worse. I never knew it could be so good. I was living in a world with tunnel vision, unable to see the true extent of the abuse until now. And all those walls I built up over the years to be incapable of feeling anything have suddenly crumbled. And every bruise that Nathan places on my body sears its memory into my brain, causing more and more damage each and every time. I'm falling apart, and I don't know what to do. I want to rebuild my walls, but yet I don't want to shut Max out. I like feeling his adoration for me. I like being able to express my love for him without trepidation. But I don't know how long I can live like this without shutting everything and everyone out again. In the past, it was always better that way for me. Feeling numb was the only way I could cope with life.
Still feeling in a fog, I walk out of the bathroom and straight into the hard chest of someone. "Excuse me," I apologize quickly.
Large hands envelop my shoulders, and I look up into a pair of piercing blue eyes. My heart stutters into a terrible rhythm. "Nathan," I whisper, all my breath leaving my body. In the five years that I have volunteered at the hospital, he has only been here a handful of times. And definitely not in the recent years --- only in the beginning of our relationship when he was trying to put on a front and make me think that he actually wanted to get to know me better and was interested in my life.
"Hello, sweetheart," he says with a sickening sweet tone. He pulls me in for an embrace and a kiss.
It takes every ounce of my willpower not to recoil in disgust. After last night, I can't bear to have him touch me. He glances over my shoulder, and I follow his gaze. The nurses at the station are watching us. Nathan is putting on a show for them.
"W-what are you doing here?" I ask, finally pulling out of his embrace.
He frowns at my sudden departure. "I thought we could have lunch together before I leave for the weekend. My flight is in two hours."
My eyes dart to my watch. My regular lunch hour is approaching, and that is always spent with Max in the cafeteria. I need to talk Nathan into eating in a nearby restaurant. Plastering a fake smile on my face, I say, "Oh, that sounds great. Where were you thinking of going?"
His expression matches mine, but there is something sinister under it. "I was thinking of staying here. How's the cafeteria food?"
My stomach slowly rolls into a tight knot. He wants to eat here? Max will be expecting me there, and we are sure to bump into him. No. I won't do that to Max. "It's not that great," I lie. "You would probably like the diner down the street…or there is a restaurant a few blocks from here that we could ---."
"Avery," Nathan says, cutting me off. He eyes me suspiciously. "The cafeteria will be fine."
Maybe my mask wasn't
fully eclipsing my real emotions. Maybe Nathan sensed something was wrong and my hesitation towards staying here to eat. I swallow hard and smile wider. "Sure. Okay," I concede.
He nods, steps back and holds his hand out. "Shall we then?"
I tentatively put my hand in his, and we make our way through the halls and to the cafeteria near the entrance of the hospital. We choose a table by the large window overlooking a small garden with a gazebo and benches scattered around the property. I purposely sit on the side facing the cafeteria door and anxiously wait for Max to walk in. It's a few minutes before our regular meeting time, and he's never late.
Forcing my eyes to the menu, I skim over the meal options. It's probably futile to decide what I want, because I'm sure Nathan will decide for me. He has the tendency to do that.
The waitress comes over to the table. "Hello, Avery," she says.
I smile up at Pam as best I can. "Hi, Pam. How are you?"
"Doing just fine. And who's this?" she asks, gesturing to Nathan.
"This is my husband." My leg bounces under the table nervously as Pam raises a brow. I just hope Nathan doesn't catch her surprise of my introduction. Pam works every day during the week, and I know she has seen me here with Max on numerous occasions. She's probably caught sight of our flirtatious behavior, the way he watches me and the way we speak to each other. Pam has never mentioned anything about our relationship, but I have no doubt in my mind that she knows it's more than just two colleagues eating lunch together every day.
Nathan stretches out his hand, and Pam shakes it. "Nathan," he says with that smooth voice of his. "Pleasure to meet you."
Pam isn't immune to his charms, and I see her eyes twinkle as she grins. If she only knew the monster that hid behind that handsome face. "Nice to meet you too." She pulls out a notepad and pencil. "So what did you decide?"
"We'll both have the turkey sandwich on wheat with light mayonnaise, a pickle on the side and two unsweetened iced teas."
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