by Shona Husk
Had to live with them, couldn’t avoid them.
She nodded. “I try not to think about what I’ll be like when Ethan starts dating.”
His heart gave a lurch. She had a kid and was a parent. “I’m sure you’ll be cool.”
“‘Cause I’m so fabulously cool now.” She gave him an awkward smile.
“I think you’re cool.” He took her hand and drew her close, kissing her more deeply now he was sure that no one was watching. She melted against him and he let his free hand skate over her hip. In that moment he didn’t care if his family did stick their heads around the corner to gawp. “Did you want to watch some TV?”
“Is that why you invited me round?” She moved a little closer, her hand on the back of his neck. Yeah, she knew exactly why he’d wanted her to come around.
“This morning I was looking for reasons not to write.” Which was true.
She raised one eyebrow.
“I like the way you distract me.” He kissed her again. “But I’m glad you said no because I made progress.”
He and Dan had celebrated the good day with a couple of beers. Dan had seemed like his old self for the most part. Whatever damage Lisa had done had worked its way out of his system.
“I’m glad. I don’t want to be a distraction or the reason why the songs don’t get written. I’m sure your band mates wouldn’t be impressed.”
“True.” And he didn’t want that either. He hesitated for a moment. Should he take her to his room or was that too forward? A tiny part of him wanted to ask if she’d like to listen, but the songs were too raw. Plus he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to hear the song she had inspired by breaking up with him. Although she obviously hadn’t meant it as she was here. Again.
“What you working on, or is it top secret?”
“Umm…” She could listen to One Mistake, but that wasn’t the mood he wanted to set.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to share.”
He relaxed a fraction. “When they are a bit more complete. Would you like to see where we work?”
“Would you be offended if I said no? I only have a few hours tonight.” Her hand slid over his chest. “Next time?”
It was a reminder that she was here because of who he was, not what he did, and he liked that she was already thinking of a next time. “Sure.”
He led her through to his room. Kirsten had her door shut, and he could hear her TV going. Extra loud? He didn’t care.
With his door closed it was once again the two of them and the rest of the world didn’t matter. Without the crazy hair and makeup, she was more beautiful.
“How come you never wear it down?” he said as he reached for a tendril.
“Too long. Too hot.” But she reached up and released her hair.
He let it trail through his fingers. “If you don’t like it, why not cut it?”
Kirsten would be more than happy to help while pumping Olivia for the details.
She shrugged. “Don’t guys like long hair?”
“I’m not fussed. Do you like it?” He didn’t like getting a face full while he was sleeping.
“I used to.” She pulled some aside. “It hid the scar and gave me something to hide behind.”
Now he noticed the line where no hair grew. “A good hairdresser would be able to find a style that hid it, if you are worried.”
“And how would you know that? You don’t look like you use a hairdresser.” She let her hair fall back in place.
He smiled. “My mother and sister are hairdressers. I do this to avoid them.” He’d learned to use the clippers on his own hair by fourteen as he was sick of them trying to do stuff.
She ran her hand over his hair. “I like it like this. It feels nice, although at first I thought it was too short and was trying to decide if you were military or an ex-con.”
“I think this style might be too short for you.” He moved closer and kissed her. Her skin smelled like vanilla and citrus. He was sure she’d showered before coming over. He wanted to ask her how her day was and how her job hunt was going, but he wanted her in his bed more. As her hands slid under his t-shirt he hardened. Conversation could wait. He really hoped that she didn’t cry this time.
“I think you’re right.” Her hand dipped lower and brushed his hard-on.
He hadn’t bothered with underwear under his board shorts. Had she under that dress? His hand skimmed over her hip, but he felt no telltale panty line. His heart kicked over in a rhythm that Mike would be proud of. “You’re not wearing any knickers.”
“Didn’t see the point. Neither are you.” Her fingers traced his length through the fabric.
He smiled. “Too hot.”
“Yeah. Really unseasonably hot.” She pulled his t-shirt up and he took it off and tossed it on the floor.
“So I could just…” he tugged on her dress and the gathered top eased down. One more tug and her breasts would be uncovered.
She swallowed, her chest lifted. He placed a kiss on the top of her breast, then gave her dress another pull, exposing her nipples. Last time they’d both had too much to drink and it had seemed to go too fast. He didn’t want to make that mistake again.
He wanted to take his time and kiss every inch of her…with a little luck she’d kiss every inch of him before he put on a rubber and got inside her. Her hand slipped inside his board shorts and wrapped around him. Her fingers were cool on his hot flesh as she stroked.
It was clear that whatever pretence they’d had about her visit was gone, they both wanted the same thing. It wasn’t long before they were naked and lying on his bed. The warm summer breeze slid through his slightly opened bedroom window and over his skin. Her hands and lips touching and tasting as he did the same. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had sex completely sober. Then again, it had been a while since he’d cared about the person he was with.
She moved over him, taking control. He didn’t care as it left his hands free to roam. Her hair hid or revealed as she moved in a way that was entirely mesmerising. He realised that he did care about her, a lot. There was a small chance that he was falling for her. He knew the sensation, the loss of grip as reality blurred and nothing else mattered.
He had to stay focused. She eased on to him, sinking down. He watched, his hands cradling her hips so she didn’t move too fast. Her eyes closed and a frown formed like she was concentrating. It was a pretty sight. One he wanted to see again. He’d been missing out. He slid one hand between them and caressed her clit. She moaned and leaned forward a little, her hair tickling his chest. The tension in his balls was almost too great. Then she came, tightening around him. He let his own release race through him.
She kept moving, dragging out her own pleasure a little longer, and he was more than happy to go along with that. With a final sigh she moved off him so he could deal with the rubber. She was sprawled, naked on his bed, watching him.
After sex was probably not his most flattering look. She, on the other hand, looked amazing with her messy hair and sexy smile. There was that feeling again. He didn’t know when it had started; maybe her walking away had caused it, he wasn’t sure. But he knew he wasn’t ready for her to leave yet, so he joined her on the bed. For a while they talked and he learned more about her family and her life and she learned about his—the clean bits anyway. There were some stories that would never see the light of day.
She looked at her watch. “I should get going.” But she made no effort to leave his embrace and he didn’t release her.
He didn’t want her to walk out without saying something. The words didn’t form easily and he didn’t want to say too much and reveal how deep she was under his skin. “I’m not seeing anyone else, just you.” She didn’t say anything. “I wanted you to know.”
She was frowning again, but not her I’m going to come frown. He had to bite back on the laugh that threatened to bubble up at that thought.
Finally she spoke, but he felt the distance even though she hadn’t moved
. “I’m not on any birth control.”
This wasn’t about condoms. “I figured that and that’s fine. I didn’t want you thinking that I’m seeing a lot of women. You’re the first in several months.”
She looked at him. “Okay…does that mean we’re dating?”
“I think we are.” She didn’t look thrilled by that. Was he moving too fast? He backtracked like the edge off the cliff he was standing on was disintegrating. “We can go really slow. No pressure.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I like you, but I’m still finding my feet. I’m not sure what I’m doing and…” she sighed. “I don’t know if you’re the person I should be doing it with.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” But he already knew. It was why they’d broken up once already. “I’m not some muso man-whore.”
“Look at me. You have pretty women throwing themselves at you.”
Not as often as she thought. “I want you.”
“I come with baggage and scars.”
“So? I know that and I haven’t run away.” Maybe he should’ve. His life would’ve been easier, and infinitely less interesting.
“But you don’t want people to know either.” Her bottom lip quivered.
“What?” He propped himself up to look at her better.
“I heard you talking to your sister.”
He leaned back against the pillow. “She was jumping to conclusions and I didn’t know where we stood, so I didn’t want her gossiping with Gemma.” He glanced at Olivia. “That didn’t stop you from coming around tonight.”
“I thought it was…um…” Her cheeks flushed and she looked away.
He didn’t like where he thought this was going.
“Just sex?” he offered, hoping that she’d deny it and admit that she wanted more than a good time. He drew away and sat up. “Is that all you want, all you think I’m good for?”
Fuck that.
She didn’t say anything. He got out of bed and put on his shorts.
That got a reaction from her. She pulled on her dress. “Be honest, Ed. How long until you got bored coming second in my life? A month? Two? Until you hit the road and you remember what it’s like to be free of commitments? I don’t have that. I never will again.”
“So you always think of the worst thing that could happen months into the future? What about living for the moment?”
“I was trying to. For a few hours I can pretend that I am someone else, even if I’m not sure who I want to be yet.”
“Be yourself.” There was a bite to his words that was harder than he’d intended.
She shook head, her eyes shiny with tears. Great. They couldn’t have sex without tears. This time it was definitely his fault, which made him feel like shit. He shouldn’t have said anything. She was using him for sex and that shouldn’t be a problem. He should be enjoying it. Making the most of it. It wasn’t as if he’d never had sex with someone he never planned on seeing or doing again. Didn’t feel so great now he was on the other end.
He wanted more than that, needed more than that. With Olivia he’d actually felt something more than lust. And karma had picked now to bite him on the ass.
“I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not who I was before the accident and I want to be more than just Ethan’s mum. I want…I don’t know what I want.”
“Call me when you do.” But he wasn’t going to be her booty call.
Part of his brain was screaming, why the hell not dumbass?
They had fun. They were both getting some. What was the problem?
Apparently he was the problem.
She looked at him as though he’d thrown cold water on her. She picked up her car keys and opened up his bedroom door, then hesitated. “I like being with you.”
“On your terms.” He heard the hard edge in his voice. She’d been calling all the shots—and he’d been loving every minute, never knowing what was going to happen or when he’d see her. She wasn’t the kind of woman who would be glued to his side and demanding all of his time. Yeah, because she had her own life and it was that life that was driving the wedge. He was damned either way.
“You want me on yours.”
That was true. He took a breath and tried to think clearly but it was hard when his room smelled of sex and she was naked beneath her dress. “What’s the middle ground?”
She shook her head. “I have no idea. Maybe there isn’t one.”
Chapter 12
It was Christmas day and Olivia was struggling to find her Christmas cheer despite making the most of the champagne breakfast. Her father and Shaun were outside looking at the water feature her parents had bought for each other. Ethan was creating tunnels out of boxes for his new train to drive through. Everyone seemed happy except her.
Was Ed happy? She had no idea. It had been two days and neither of them had made a move. Should she call?
Call me when you do.
It was her move if she wanted what they had to continue. If she wanted to date him. Her heart almost exploded at the thought. It was too much and not enough.
Why hadn’t she admitted that she’d liked him?
Because that would take balls and she had none. She was a quivering yellow jelly that lacked anything resembling a spine.
Julie poured herself another champagne and orange. “So, shall I mark you down as just one for the wedding?”
“Yeah.” Who was she going to take? Ed? She picked up another chocolate-filled croissant and took a bite. She wasn’t hungry, but there was something about pastry-wrapped chocolate that she couldn’t resist. The look on Julie’s face might be worth roping Ed in. She imagined her sister’s face contorting and turning red as she was forced to smile. Then reminded herself that it was Christmas and Julie was stressed. She took another bite. The croissant needed more chocolate.
Julie watched her. “Thank God you’ll be wearing shapewear.”
Olivia smiled and took a swig of the French bubbly—Shaun had bought the good stuff around—there was a reason people got drunk on Christmas while surrounded by family. “I’m not the bride. No one will give a toss what I look like.”
The evil sausage skin would accidentally get forgotten. Olivia was willing to bet no one would notice. Not even Julie, unless she did an inspection. Oh shit, she probably would. It was too easy to imagine Julie lining up the bridesmaids for underwear inspection. She choked on the laugh and had to have another drink.
“You didn’t invite the guy you’ve been seeing?” Her mother took the plate of bacon and sausages off the table. Was she worried that Olivia would keep eating if she didn’t?
Julie looked at Olivia as though she’d turned purple and sprouted a tail. “You’re seeing someone.”
Damn it. She didn’t want to share. And she didn’t know if she was anymore as they’d left it unresolved. “Not really.”
“You either are or you aren’t.” Julie sipped her drink.
“It’s not serious.” Ed thought it was. Her mother thought it was. “We’ve been on a couple of dates.”
“Well, if it’s not serious he can’t come. I’m not paying for a fling to come to my wedding.”
Olivia bit her tongue. She knew their parents were paying for the reception.
Julie watched their mother leave the room then leaned closer. “How do you know it’s not serious?”
Olivia searched Julie’s face for the malicious glint she was used to seeing, but didn’t find one. “I don’t know.”
“How did you know Miles was the one?” Julie’s voice became quiet.
She shrugged and finished the croissant, licking the chocolate off her fingers. “I don’t know…”
She didn’t know. It had just happened. They’d started dating and he’d become part of her life. A part she didn’t want to lose. But she had.
She tried to imagine never seeing Ed again, except for on TV. She tried to imagine being part of that world. Neither option worked. She didn’t want to lose him, but she didn’t know how to be
with him either.
At first she hadn’t known how to live without Miles; but she’d worked it out.
That was different. She could fail in private. With Ed it would be public.
“You were going to marry him; you must have known he was the man for you.” Julie pushed.
She shook her head. No. She’d been nineteen, they’d started dating when she was sixteen and everyone before that wasn’t worth talking about. She wasn’t an expert when it came to relationships; she barely knew what she was doing. “Don’t ask me for advice, my life is a mess. You have it together. You always have. I was never able to compete.”
“Everyone expected me to be sensible. I was the eldest. What if I’m simply doing what is expected?”
Aside from the train noises coming from the next room, the house was silent. “Do you have cold feet?”
“You had this great love; you knew who you wanted to be with, while I floundered around.”
“I was nineteen. We may not have lasted.” She covered her mouth with her hand. It was one of those thoughts that she’d never shared. But after seeing the breakups in her mother’s group—women who were older than her, who’d been with their partners for longer—she wasn’t sure that what she’d had with Miles would’ve gone the distance. “I’ll never know.”
If she never gave Ed a chance, she’d never know either.
“You love Shaun.” Olivia tried to reassure her sister.
“I think I do.”
“I know you do. I see it when you look at him. Can you imagine life without him?”
Julie was quiet for a moment. “That’s just it. I can.”
Was this why Julie had started being so difficult? “He loves you.”
“I know, but ever since I accepted everything has snowballed. His mother hates me and his brother is a letch.”
“You’re marrying Shaun, not his whole family. Why did you accept?”
“Because it was the right thing to do and everyone expected it.”
“I don’t believe that. You’ve never let anyone make you do anything you didn’t want.” Whereas she’d done anything to keep the peace. Miles had gotten sick of condoms so they’d been careful—that had worked out well. She’d made a fuss once about getting in the car with him after he’d been drinking. They’d had a huge fight, but after that she hadn’t said anything, and he’d promised not to drink too much or be over the limit. That had been a lie, but she’d trusted him.