by Toni DeMaio
Daddy gets up and sits next to me on the sofa. My heart is pounding like Anthony used to with the wooden spoon on Mommy’s pots and pans. He puts his big hand on my shoulder. “Tori-Honey, I can promise you one thing. I would never bring any woman into our lives that you and your brother didn’t like, and who doesn’t love both of you to the moon and back. You can count on that one hundred percent.”
I swallow the tears that sting my eyes and make my nose begin to run. “I thought you loved Mommy,” I whisper, “I thought you loved us and that we were the most important thing in the world to you, especially now that Mommy’s gone!” Now I’m shouting and I know I should stop, but I can’t…I just can’t. “If you get married to somebody else I will hate you forever. And I’ll hate her even more!”
“Tori!” Daddy shouts, looking very shocked. “You need to go to your room and work on your attitude!”
“I will hate her! I swear I will” I scream as I jump up and Anthony looks like I’ve turned into a monster; then he scoots out of my way as I run past him and up the stairs to hide in my room.
When I get there, I slam the door so hard while the things on my shelves rattle and shake. I throw myself down on my bed and cry until all my tears are gone.
Daddy doesn’t come after me, and even Anthony doesn’t poke his head in to see if I’m okay. I feel very alone and almost as sad as I did the day Mommy died. When I’m really sad I usually draw but I’m afraid of what I’d draw if I tried now so I leave my pad and pastels on my nightstand. I just want today to be over.
I skip my bath and throw my clothes around my room as I pull them off and put on my nightie. I get into my bed, turn off the light, and pray as hard as I can that I will fall asleep right away and that this will be one of the nights when I’ll see my secret friend in my dreams.
She’s someone I’m not supposed to talk about. Her name is Angel, but she isn’t a real angel. She comes to visit me in my dreams every now and then. I never know when she’s coming, but I love those dreams the best of all.
She’s very beautiful, like someone you might see in a movie, or in a magazine. She always comes when I’m dreaming about playing on this playground and we do things together and she gets me to talk, and I can say anything I want. Nothing shocks her, and she gives me the best advice. And I always feel better when I wake up in the morning even if I don’t remember every little thing that happened.
Even though I know dreams aren’t real, I’m glad I have them. I don’t know what I’d do without them! I really hope Angel comes tonight because I need to know what to do next. I don’t like making Daddy upset, and I really hate feeling so angry and confused. If Mommy was here she’d tell me I’m not being my best self. She’d be right, but I just don’t know how to change any of it. I need my mommy. And nobody can ever take her place in my heart. Especially not some dumb Cat-lady.
I’m having trouble falling asleep so I slide out of bed and get down on my knees and feet around under my mattress until I find my diary. I pull it out and start to write everything down that’s bothering me hoping I’ll get a clue as to what to do about it all: Dear Diary, my life is one big fat mess…
CHAPTER FIVE
ANGEL
If you think trying to guide human beings is an easy job, then you have no idea what we go through. I complain to Uncle John about it all the time and he just laughs at me and tells me to lighten up. He reminds me how he told me when I first got up here that karma really can be a bitch, and he also tells me I was nearly impossible to guide, and what I’m experiencing now is a direct result of my reaping what I have sown. Apparently, this is very funny, because he always gets a good laugh out of it.
It’s hard to stay in a funk when you spend time with Uncle John even when he’s laughing at your expense. He’s the happiest soul I’ve ever met.
I’m sure it has something to do with the band. It’s almost worth dying and going to Heaven to attend one of their concerts. I can only imagine what it must be like to be one of the talented souls actually creating that exquisite music. I always sit with my dad and my great-gram and at this last one Dad was practically jumping out of his seat. It was definitely his thing.
At the intermission he leaned over and said, “Sweetheart, your mom is going to love seeing her brother so happy and playing music with all the legendary greats when she gets up here! And I can hardly wait to take her to Tahiti for that second honeymoon we never got to have. ”
“Tahiti’s nice,” Gram said, but nothing compares with Bermuda as far as I’m concerned.” Gram was a flapper in the nineteen twenties and up here she looks even younger than I do and her cloche hats and short chiffon dresses still don’t seem right to me. I knew her when she was in her eighties and nineties, but her young spirit shone through even then. Gram was always up for fun and now I know why.
What dad said almost qualifies as T.M.I., but I get what he means. Sometimes I wish our loved ones back on earth could see how well we’re doing in Heaven, how much we’re learning and growing, and all the fun we have. They wouldn’t be able to mourn us with such intensity if they had the certainty that there is no death as they imagine it on Earth.
It’s amazing to me that they do all genres of music up here. I was never a big appreciator of jazz, or the great American songbook: my mom, Meri, loved that kind of music enough for all of us, but I was blown away by the concert they gave this past Saturday night. Billy Holiday sang first, then Ella Fitzgerald, followed by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and then the extraordinary Whitney Houston closed the show to a fifteen minute standing ovation. It was a night to remember.
The weekend before that we had Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all sharing the stage. It was incredible. When beautiful music is made in Heaven, we not only hear it on a soul level, but being pure energy, we also see it, as the sound waves manifest in a spectacular light show in the sky above us, ebbing and then growing in intensity along with the musical tones.
For those few hours, bathed in that extraordinary multi-sensory experience, I even forgot how impossible it seems right now to reach my sister, Kat. She’s tough! Way too many layers of self-protection to chip through! I can relate to what Uncle John went through with me.
Sometimes I lean in close to her and whisper helpful suggestions in her ear but all she gets out of that is an itchy ear. It’s as if I’m literally a fly on the wall, or, more to the point, in her ear.
My mom is a sweetheart, though. She actually hears me, is aware it’s me and thank you, Lord; she welcomes it all. So I’m glad to report she is happily living her best life; and if she stays positive, it’s about to get even better.
Little Tori Rossi has also proven to be easy to work with. When I found out I was going to be guiding her through life I was skeptical at first, but now that I know her story, it all makes perfect sense.
Luckily, I’m able to get into her dreams, and work with her directly there. Even though I can’t get through to Kat yet, I find I’m most concerned about Tori. There’s danger on the path ahead of her, and it’s going to take some doing for me to help her survive it.
You may well be wondering why, if I’m a guide, I can’t just put the word in for her with God and made certain nothing bad ever happens to her or any of the other precious souls I’m guiding.
I wish it worked that way, I truly do. It would make my job a lot easier and less stressful, but as you’ve been told, all earthly beings have free choice. Unfortunately, one of the realities of the human condition is that some people make selfish, thoughtless, and sometimes evil decisions that impact not only their own lives, but those of innocent others.
Uncle John says it isn’t my job to try and save the entire world. Dwelling on all that’s wrong down there can only lead to a bad attitude which is counter-productive. I must accept I can only do my small part so with God’s blessing and a little cooperation, I pray I can do the best possible job for them.
What a relief when I slip into her dreams and Tori wel
comes me. We had a great visit the other night after she made a scene and disappointed her dad. She got scared he might begin a relationship with my sister, Kat, of all people. She acted out; then stormed off to hide in her room. I was surprised when I was notified she was praying for one of my visits that night.
So we met in our usual place. I’ve re-created the playground where her mom took her to play when she was just a toddler. It’s a place where she feels safe, and it triggers many happy memories even though she doesn’t remember it.
I found out about it from her mom, Linda Rossi. She’s a lovely soul and we’ve become friends, especially since I’ve been assigned to guide her little girl.
Linda and I are planning to visit Tori together when it gets closer to Christmas. We’ve decided to wait until I can prepare her so she isn’t frightened, or upset in any way by the shock of seeing her mom again.
I found Tori sitting on the low end of the teeter totter. She smiled at me and said, “Hi, Angel! I was hoping you’d come tonight. I mean, I know this is just a dream, but I need some advice. I messed up really bad tonight and my dad’s mad at me.”
She looked so sad I just naturally hugged her. “You know your dad loves you no matter what you’ve said or done. Just tell me about it.”
She drew a shaky breath and rubbed at her eyes. They were still a little red and swollen from all the crying she’d done. “Well, my dad made plans for all of us this weekend and I was pretty bummed. I’d been hoping my cousins could come for a sleep- over, but that can’t happen now.”
She slumped forward and rested her chin on top of the teeter totter handle. “We all have to go to some boring dinner at his best friend’s house, and worst of all, there’s going to be some Cat-lady there and Anthony and I don’t want or need a stepmother. I just want it to be daddy, me, and Anthony. We don’t need that kind of aggravation.”
I put my sympathetic face on. “That’s tough, Kid,” I said, sighing with her. “Parents are always making plans and not asking kids what they want to do. It doesn’t seem fair.” I threw my leg over the seat of the high end of the teeter totter, and gently lowered my side of the board, raising her slowly into the air.
“Exactly!” she said, perking up a little. “So you understand how I feel!”
I nodded. “I totally understand why you feel that way.”
“Nobody else does.”
I lost my footing and came down a little too hard hitting the ground with a bit of a jolt. Tori giggled as she bumped up in the air and held on tight.
“Sorry!” I said, “So what’s this Kat like? Is she nasty to you and your little brother?”
Tori frowned and shrugged. “I’ve never met her before in my life. How would I know?”
“Exactly; what if she’s really nice? What if she likes little kids and wants to do fun things with you and Anthony?”
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Like what kind of fun things?”
“I don’t know; maybe roller skating, or swimming in the lake, or going to movies, or maybe even shopping for new clothes. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a grown-up lady to talk to?”
“I have Aunt Lisa and Grandma, and my other aunts,” she grumbled.
I thought fast. “Of course you do, but you can’t talk to them about your dad because he’s your grandma’s only son and you know how Italian women are about their sons, and your aunts all adore their big brother, too, and probably think he walks on water.”
Tori giggled again, and looked down at me with huge blue eyes that looked a little bit familiar.
“I know how parents can be sometimes,” I continued, “when I was your age I was always going to my mom to complain about my dad.”
“You complained about your dad?” She looked interested and a little amused. “What did he do?”
“Don’t get me wrong, my dad is a great guy just like yours is, and I’m sure he did the best he could. But one time, my mom went away for the weekend with her best friend, Liz, and there was this junior high dance that Saturday night. My mom thought I’d feel better about getting ready for the dance without her if she let two of my best friends come over so we could help each other with our hair and the little bit of make-up we were allowed to wear.”
“Wow! I can’t wait to go to dances!”
“It was great. At least until I came downstairs in this really cute white lacy dress my mom had let me buy at the mall. It was a little bit form-fitting but not hoochie at all. I remember it had a really cute short full skirt with several tiers of ruffles around it. I just loved it. I was feeling feminine and kind of grown-up, and I was hoping my dad would tell me how pretty I looked when I came down the stairs, but instead, he just went ballistic.”
Tori’s mouth hung open. “What? Not in front of your friends?”
I nodded gravely. “He said no daughter of his was leaving the house looking like that. He said I looked like I thought I was a grown woman and he ordered me to go back upstairs to my room. Then he sent my friends away. So there was no dance for me, no slumber party! I was so mad I thought I was going to pop a blood vessel.”
“That’s terrible! What did you do?”
“There was nothing I could do. I had to stay home and wait for my mom to get back from her weekend away. I cried myself to sleep and I was convinced my life was over. Of course my mom straightened my dad out when she got back, but I still missed that dance. And I know it never would have happened at all if she’d been home. Lucky for me she never did anything like that again on a night I had somewhere special to go.”
We sat in silence for a while, going up and down rhythmically, while I let my little story sink in.
“I kind of see what you mean,” she said, looking more confused than ever. “I would really hate it if that happened to me.”
“It shouldn’t happen to anybody, but dads are like that about their little girls. They get a little crazy and way too protective when they realize their daughters are growing up and that one day soon there might be a boy showing up at the door to take their daughters away from them. It really helps if you have your mom, or even a step-mom to keep him in check.”
At the word step-mom she made a fierce face and shook her head. “I can’t imagine my daddy with anyone but my mommy.”
“I know,” I said, “But your dad is still a young man. He’s what; thirty-five?”
“How did you know that?” She wrinkled her brow suspiciously.
I shrugged and tried to look nonchalant. “I’m guessing. So how old is he?”
She gave me a dark look, “Thirty-five.”
“That’s what I thought. I hate to be the one to break it to you, Tori, but the odds don’t look good for a gorgeous guy like your dad staying alone forever. And really, would it be fair to expect him to live without love for the rest of his life?”
A darker cloud passed over Tori’s face as she jumped off the teeter totter and ran over to the swings. “He gets love from us, and…I don’t want to think about that,” she said over her shoulder.
I decided to let the issue drop. She might lose confidence in me and become resistant to my dream visits.”
She pumped her legs furiously and drove her swing higher and higher. I sat on the swing next to her and soon we were swinging together.
“Will you try to do one thing for me?” I asked, trying my best to keep up with her.
“Sure.”
“When you meet this Kat…lady will you just give her a chance? How would you feel if you were about to meet someone new and they already had made up their minds not to like you?”
Tori jumped off the swing and ran up the stairs to the long slide. “I’ll think about it, Okay?”
I grinned at her. She really did remind me of myself at that age. “That’s cool. You’re a smart girl and you have a good head on your shoulders. I completely trust you to make up your own mind about her. Something tells me you have the ability to make a fair judgment about a person, even on a first meeting.”
Tori’s cu
te face grew beautiful as her smile bloomed like a rose. “Thanks!” she said, surprised. “I think you’re right. My first impressions about people usually do turn out to be right.”
Then I watched her face darken again and I knew she was thinking about her Uncle Mario. We’d be talking about him soon enough. I was just grateful to be able to help her to get to know Kat. And I was reasonably confident we were all on the right track.
“Reliable intuition is a good gift to have,” I said, “It’s going to come in handy all throughout your life. Now, how about some ice cream before I have to get going.”
Tori ran over to me and slipped her hand in mine. “I’d love some!” she said, “But Angel…why can’t I remember everything about these dreams when I wake up? I always know when I’ve seen you and I can remember some of what we talk about, but not all of it. It’s cloudy sometimes.”
I hugged her and turned her toward the ice cream parlor that had just popped up to our right. “You remember enough. Trust me.”
CHAPTER SIX
MERI
Kat faced her reflection, then turned to the side and studied the lines of the sheer turquoise over-top she had just paired with a darker turquoise knit sleeveless top.
“Very slimming, Sweetie; and with your gorgeous red hair that color is perfect for you,” I said from my seat in the corner of the dressing room in Crystal’s Closet, our favorite boutique.
“Hmmh,” Kat muttered, obviously more critical about how she looked in the mirror than was necessary because my daughter is really stunning.
If only she could see herself like the rest of the world does. Her blue-green eyes were picking up the color of her top and her long red spiral curls were the perfect compliment to that outfit; totally tasteful and yet just seductive enough. Gino Rossi didn’t stand a chance.