“Well, what if I was to tell you that the answer to all of your problems is to learn to love yourself?”
I snorted. I couldn’t help it. He sounded like a counsellor or something. Not that I knew what one of them sounded like really, but it was all a bit poncey.
“I mean it, Nat, your mind is more powerful than you give it credit for. You can do anything, create anything, and be anything you want to be. You just got to love yourself enough to allow it. When you want to, you can change your life.” He stood up and motioned towards the road.
I turned. My friends headed towards the park. They hadn’t spotted us. Crappy pants. I didn’t want to speak to them. I certainly didn’t want to do introductions when I didn’t even know Scott myself.
“Come with me,” I muttered, grabbing his hand and making a run for it.
I sprinted across the rest of the field and into the woods. The poor boy was dragged as I tried to get away before the others caught sight of us. We probably weren’t very successful cos I heard them all shout.
I kept going, though. I wasn’t going back. My legs pumped. Scott breathed heavy as he ran with me. Our hands were still connected as we tore through the trees. I let go of him and started to slow up. The others wouldn’t bother to follow us so far into the woods. It was easy to get lost in there, unless you were cool like me, and naturally knew where you were going.
I stopped suddenly, unsure whether to lead him to my rock. The place had been my sanctuary for years. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it with anyone, let alone some weird dude who talked about loving yourself and stuff.
“This place is beautiful. I never knew it was here.” He lowered himself onto the ground in a clearing and crossed his legs. Closing his eyes, he started to hum. I was well uncomfortable. What the hell was he doing? He stopped and looked at me. Laughing, he patted the ground and gestured for me to join him. I hesitated, but then thought that I might as well. He seemed to be the happiest person I knew. Maybe all this rubbish actually helped.
“Okay, what if I told you that just by thinking something you could create it. Does that appeal?”
“You mean like magic powers? If I thought of a doughnut, it would appear?”
I sat on the ground and ran my fingers over the fallen leaves.
“Sort of, yeah. Say for instance you wanted a better job. Not that I’m saying your job’s bad or anything…” he defended at my raised eyebrows, “…all you’d have to do is see yourself, in your mind, doing what it is you want. Then eventually that will come true.”
He turned to face me. He was really close, our knees almost touched.
“Like a fantasy?”
I often daydreamed about having a big house with a husband and maybe some kids, but I’d always pushed it away. That life wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it. There was no way I was going to afford a nice house. There was no way I would find a nice husband who would love me and stick around. There was no way I could get out of the god forsaken shitehole I lived in. My gang and me were going to grow old together, we’d already decided. We would nick some stuff when we needed it. One of us would go on the council register and get a house and the rest of us would live there.
“Yes, but you’ve got to believe that it will happen for you. No good in dreaming about things, then pushing them away or thinking that it will never happen, because then it won’t. You got to know inside, that what you want, will come true for you. Want to try?”
“How can you know inside that it will come true, when you know inside that it won’t? Don’t make sense. You live in cloud cuckoo land or something?”
He was getting stranger and stranger and quite frankly, I was losing the plot.
“That’s where loving yourself comes in. You got to love yourself enough to believe that you deserve to get what it is you want. Look, enough of the lesson, let’s put it into action.”
He stood up and held out his hand. When I took it, he pulled me to a stand. Taking my other hand, he nodded at me, smiling. I tried to smile back but I was unsure about what he was doing. Maybe he would start chanting a spell or something. If he did, I would be gone before he could say abracadabra.
“Close your eyes,” he told me.
I did as he said, being a good student and all that. But then I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it, could I? It was all a bit odd. I was used to odd, but I I’d had enough of it to last me a life time.
“Stop it. Now listen. Imagine you go home tonight. I’m assuming that you won’t know what your mum will be like before you get there. See her in your mind as you want her to be when you see her. Be realistic, considering her illness. Who do you want in the room? Visualise the scene in your mind. This has already happened. How you’re seeing it, is how it already is. Believe that. Feel inside what it would be like to have an evening with your mum.” He went quiet.
I was lost. I saw my mum, shy but smiling, which was how she usually looked when on the road to recovery. She would give me a little hug and then make me a cup of tea. I wanted Dick to be upstairs so that we could have a little chat. It was good for Dick to be in the house cos he wouldn’t leave my mum over her breakdown. I could see us eating a take away together. Even Dickhead had a plate. I smiled and came back to reality, realising that Scott had gone quiet. I opened my eyes.
“That was easy wasn’t it?” His face was close.
His breath brushed my cheek. I shivered and stepped back. His pretty eyes were far too near mine. Did he like me? He was touchy feely, but I didn’t know if that was because he was trying to teach me. Plus, I was sure he would be like that with other people. He was so comfortable in that perfect skin of his. So sure of himself. He wasn’t anything like us.
We were rogues. We were rude and mouthy. We didn’t care if we hurt anyone. Only we mattered. If someone got hurt in the process of us living our lives, then we didn’t care, they shouldn’t have got in the way.
I frowned as I thought about the amount of times we had sat around saying that we didn’t care. I had beaten a girl up only three weeks before cos she’d looked at me funny. The bitch had it coming. She looked me up and down like I was a piece of dog poo on her high heeled shoe. Well, she wasn’t getting away with it, was she? No, she got what was coming to her.
Scott’s hands tighten around mine. I looked at his chest as I remembered the way I had pulled her face down to my knee. My stomach churned. What was going on? I always got into fights. I’d never felt guilty before. It was about sticking together and not letting anyone pull us apart.
“I’ve got to go,” I stammered, letting go of his hand and spinning away from him.
I ran away, back through the woods. I heard him call after me, but I pretended that the sound was drowned out by the snapping twigs and leaves that got mashed up by my trainers.
It was time I got home, anyway. My mum would be back and she would smile at me. That one image in my mind was too lovely to give up. I had never tried to imagine that things could be good. It felt better than anything I’d ever experienced. A fantasy life might not be a bad idea. Although, I didn’t want to live in my head too much, it might make me go mad when reality set in.
An image of his face came to me, his eyes close to mine. I didn’t dare look at his lips. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. Thank effing God my group wasn’t around when I came out of the woods. They’d obviously got bored and wandered off to cause trouble. I headed home, and for the first time ever, I looked forward to seeing my mum.
Chapter Nine
Mum hugged me slightly, one arm coming across my back. That was as far as she would get with human contact. That was okay, though, it was a good sign. They’d given her a huge dose of meds to get her balanced again. She was able to look at me a couple to times. She’d even given me a smile, too.
We sat round the kitchen table and ate Chinese take away. Dick had been kind for once and treated us.
“How are you feeling, Mum?” I asked, looking at the clock. Tiff was due round soon.
“I’m okay, love, I just need to stay on the meds.”
She spoke the words she’d rehearsed in her brain. The doctor had obviously told her the exact sentence before she left the crisis house.
“Are they coming to see you tomorrow?”
I was annoyed I’d missed them. They had dropped her back not long before I got home and left her with the Dick.
“Yes, they are,” he replied, butting in on our conversation. He had a tendency to do that. Although, give him his due, he was still there. He must care about her.
“Good. I spose they’re going to monitor your meds?”
I reached over for a spring roll, only to have Dick snatch it first. I glared at him. How bloody rude. I didn’t care that I’d had most of them, I bloody liked them, okay?
“Yeah, they…”
“I was asking Mum, Dick, unless you’re my mum now?”
Our truce had only lasted a couple of hours. We were back to bickering. Sometimes it felt like he was younger than me. I wouldn’t have believed that he was almost forty. He was a weasel…you know, thin…with thin hair, fingers and toes. He creeped me out and he knew it. In fact, I reckon he did it on purpose to try and make me leave.
“Yes, they’ll be coming round every day,” Mum answered, not even berating me for being rude.
Maybe I should take advantage of her state to wind Dick up a bit more. I looked at him but he shook his head. He was right, it wasn’t fair on her. I’d forgotten for a second that she was still pretty ill and our arguing wouldn’t help her get better. Bloody grown-ups, they were so annoying.
“Tiff is coming round soon. You don’t mind, do you?” I looked at my mum as I asked.
It was still her house and not the morons. Something crossed my mind. Where would they live when they got married? Oh man, he better not be moving in here with us. I would kill him before long, I just knew it. They were a reserved couple. They didn’t stay at each other’s houses all the time.
My mum shook her head as a knock sounded on the front door. Perfect timing, I must have been psychic. Jumping up, I rushed from the kitchen and let Tiff in, taking her straight up the stairs to my room.
“Can’t I say hello to your mum?” she gasped, falling onto my bed after our little jog.
“No, I want to hear about what happened when you left last night.”
I sat on the bed next to her. She started to shake, refusing to look at me. I turned my CD player on, letting a bit of Michael Jackson soothe us. I loved his old stuff. The man was so talented. I didn’t care what was said about him. He was a legend. I would always love his music. I sat back down and took Tiff’s hand as a tear slid down her face. I’d never seen her so cut up before. She was usually cool as a cucumber, straight as celery. I was the hot head and she was my coolant. I’d never even seen her cry before. She kept touching her trousers, wiping away imaginary dust.
“This isn’t about last night is it?”
“It is about last night, but it ain’t about the stabbing. It’s about what happened after,” she cried.
She sobbed as I put an arm around her. It felt weird. I had never had to comfort any of my group. We were all so independent.
“What happened?” I didn’t know what else to say.
“Tommy persuaded me to have sex with him. He said that…” she stuttered as I dropped my arm. I didn’t mean to be so unsupportive but bloody hell!
“He said that he was really horny after what happened. He had a weird look in his eyes. I felt so scared, I just went along with it.”
“He didn’t force you, then?”
I felt sick. My stomach rolled like a tsunami. We’d never had sex with each other. We were so much like family, it felt wrong. It was fair enough if any of the others had fallen for one another, but Tiff’s reaction was too bad for it to have been a good thing.
“No, he didn’t, but when he came towards me, I was scared. Especially after what he’d just done. I didn’t know…”
That wave was ready to hurl its contents out of my mouth. How had she done it? She didn’t want to sleep with him, yet she did it out of fear? Fear of our own friend? I didn’t get it. I would’ve told him to back the eff away and keep his hands to himself.
“You really didn’t want to do it, but you did it anyway?”
“Yeah, I know. I feel so dirty and gross. Recently, I’ve been looking at Tommy differently. He’s lost it and it scares me.”
She got her phone out her pocket and showed me a text message that she’d got from him that morning. It said that he’d enjoyed giving it to her and couldn’t wait to do it again. She hadn’t replied.
“You need to let him know that it ain’t happening again if you don’t want it to, Tiff,” I said, giving her phone back.
She nodded and started to tap on her phone.
“I needed your help. When I saw him today, I was almost sick with the thought of it. I’ve been crying all night, I don’t know how to feel.”
“I wish you’d just said no. You know what he’s like. He’s a cock, but he’d never hurt one of us.”
A burning sensation raced up my arms as I went still. How dare the prick do that to Tiff? He totally violated her. The problem was, he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She’d gone ahead with it, willingly. If she’d said no, there was no way he would’ve forced her.
“I know, I know. He didn’t hurt me or anything. In fact, it was over real quick, but…”
She shuddered at the memory as I cringed. The look on her face told me that she didn’t appreciate my disgust. I couldn’t help it, though. I knew it would be like sleeping with my brother. I’m sure Tiff felt the same.
“Look, you ain’t done nothing wrong, and neither has he. You ain’t actually related. It was just a mistake. Be honest with him and tell him you ain’t interested in him like that. Then forget it, move on, and learn from it, yeah? Just make sure you got the will power to say no in future. Maybe that’s why it happened? Life is a lesson, apparently.”
I stopped talking and did well not to laugh as I heard my words. I sounded like Scott. I wonder if he would know what lesson poor Tiff had to learn from sleeping with Tommy.
“I’ve told him that last night was a mistake and I ain’t doing it again.”
Her phone beeped, which made her jump. Man, it wasn’t going to be easy. There would be major tension in the group. The stabbing had been a turning point in our little family. Things would never be the same again.
“He says that he doesn’t agree but respects my wishes. He said it won’t ever happen again and he’s sorry.” Her shoulders slumped as her energy shifted.
“Thank Jeysus for that! See, he’s still our Tommy. He’s just lost it a bit recently, that’s all. But then so have I, ain’t I? I ain’t exactly been a po-hoe…”
Po-hoe was our word for positive whores. The people that irritated us by being all smiley, happy and kind…all the time. I always thought they were high on drugs, so it was easy to be a po-hoe then.
“Yeah, that’s true,” she said, turning away from me and changing the CD in the player.
“You want a beer? I reckon Dick will have one in the fridge.”
I stood up and left her as she nodded.
What was she thinking, sleeping with Tommy? After he’d stabbed a man? It was mad what emotions could do to you. I could see why Tommy might have been all het up, but Tiff wouldn’t have been. I shook my head. There was no use trying to reason it out in my little mind. I’d been there before, I guess. A boy comes on to you, and you think that by sleeping with him he’s going to love you. Or, that you’re just doing what everyone else is.
When you sit in the bath the next day, though, running your hands through your hair, with tears streaming down your face…
“What’s up?”
Dick made me jump as I walked into the kitchen. He sat at the dining table, reading a book. He looked at me closely. I felt exposed. The bloke freaked me out.
“Nothing,” I muttered, sticking
my head into our empty fridge.
“Your mum’s going shopping for some grub tomorrow,” he said.
I had to bite my tongue. The woman had only just got back from the loony bin and he was sending her out shopping.
“I’ll do it.” I grabbed two beers and ran out of the kitchen. He shouted at me, but I legged it up the stairs.
“Here.” I passed Tiff a bottle and sat back on the bed.
“Do you think we could ever live a normal life?” Tiff downed her drink.
“Jeez, woman, you need to chill on the beer.”
I let my head drop, tracing the pattern on my Chinese symbol bedcover.
“Well?”
“I don’t know, mate. I hope so…one day. How will we get there though, you know? We ain’t got no money, no education. Life is shit…no wait…I’m not supposed to say that.” I giggled to myself.
“Why not…? It is bloody shit.” Tiff laughed, snatching my bottle from me and downing it in one too.
“Oi, I was drinking that.”
“No, you wasn’t. Let’s go to the park.” She jumped up and grabbed my hand.
“I can’t, man, my mum’s only just come back.”
“Oh yeah.” She slumped back on the bed.
“Tiff, do you think that maybe, just maybe, we could change it?” I sat against the wall, not looking at her.
“Change what, dude?”
She flipped through my CD”s. When she got to Rihanna, she put it on and started to sing along. Her voice was really good. I wished that I could sing like her, but there was no way I would sing in front of peeps. Even my bestie didn’t hear me sing.
“This…our life,” I said, gesturing around my little room.
It was my haven, but just sometimes it would be nice to imagine being in a nice country cottage or something. You know, a place with a bit of class.
“Nah, it is what it is, ain’t it?” Tiff paused in her singing to answer me.
“But maybe it don’t need to be like this? I mean, imagine if you became a singer, yeah? You’d make loads of money and buy us all loads of stuff.”
Love My Crazy Page 5