Sorn it allinners . . .
BRIGID
(Noticing Momo’s runny nose)
Mom—Momo’s nose . . .
DEIRDRE
Oh God . . .
(Lovingly wiping Momo’s nose)
. . . there we go, Mom, there we go . . .
ERIK
The Lions are up seven.
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
Yay . . .
Thank God, we can eat in peace.
BRIGID
Sorry you’re not sleeping, Big Guy . . .
ERIK
I’m fine.
BRIGID
. . . do you want to put your feet up and take a quick nap before dinner?—
ERIK
(Amused by her worry)
No way, are you kidding me?, / no . . .
BRIGID
I’m serious!
ERIK
. . . no, I’m good . . .
BRIGID
Rich hasn’t been sleeping much either, he’s been having weird dreams about—he thinks they’re related to the stress of the move . . .
DEIRDRE
Oh man . . .
BRIGID
. . . yeah, and he’s been keeping me up while he tries to unravel their meaning.
DEIRDRE
Why’s he doing that?
BRIGID
He took one psychology course last year and suddenly he’s an armchair psychiatrist.
RICHARD
(Calling up)
I took two psychology courses!
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
[One.]
(Calling down)
Hey there, Rich! . . .
RICHARD
ERIK
(Calling up)
Hey, I’ll be up in a minute! . . .
Bridge—hey . . . I keep noticing
a lotta—you guys gotta caulk
all along the molding down
there . . . / there’s big gaps
there . . .
BRIGID
Thanks, okay, Repairman, thank you, but can you at least . . . someone needs to say something about my big window. No one has said anything about my big window . . .
DEIRDRE
(Aside, to Erik)
I love seeing her this excited, don’t you love / seeing her this excited?
ERIK
Yeah, I do, we don’t have to talk about it.
Brigid walks into the area near the spiral staircase, searches for something amidst the boxes.
RICHARD
(Calling up)
Honey, bring down the napkins, okay?
UPSTAIRS:
BRIGID
Unseen by Brigid, Deirdre
Richard, what are you yelling
and Erik confer about
at me?
something in the hallway
RICHARD
or next room.
I said: bring down the napkins
please!
They are audible-but-
BRIGID
not-decipherable.
Yeah, Richard, or you can get them yourself.
The tail end of their conversation:
RICHARD
DEIRDRE
Do you / want me to—
(Audible-but-not-decipherable)
Okay, but / . . . if you wait—
BRIGID
okay, I just don’t want—
(Meeting him halfway on the stairs)
No I got them, sorry . . .
ERIK
(Audible-but-not-decipherable)
Hey—gimme some space, I will . . . I will—
Brigid hears the tail end of Deirdre’s private discussion with Erik.
Aimee exits the bathroom.
BRIGID
You guys better not be dissing my home—do you even get how special a place like this is? No New Yorkers have duplex apartments.
AIMEE
Except for the thousands of New Yorkers who have duplex apartments—
BRIGID
I knew you were gonna / say that—
AIMEE
Oh come on, I love it . . . / it’s amazing . . .
ERIK
DEIRDRE
We all love it . . .
Me too, but . . . why are there
bars on the window? Is the
neighborhood dangerous?
BRIGID
AIMEE
No that’s standard for a
(Smiling)
ground-floor apartment—
Mom, no . . .
BRIGID
. . . after a while you don’t even notice them—
DEIRDRE
Yeah, you don’t notice them ’cause there’s no sunlight in here . . . / it’s like a cave . . .
BRIGID
Mom . . .
ERIK
(Looking out the window)
Hey, who’s walking around out there?
BRIGID
Uh, must be the super, he’s the only one who has access.
ERIK
No, she’s got gray hair?
BRIGID
(Looking outside)
Lemme see . . . where?
Erik looks back out the window; this time he sees nothing.
ERIK
She went inside, I guess . . .
Brigid moves away from the window.
BRIGID
Probably the super’s wife, I haven’t met her yet.
(To Erik, who is still staring out the window)
Hey, Detective . . . sit down and relax.
DEIRDRE
I wish you had more of a view—
BRIGID
Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
What?—it’s an alley full of cigarette butts—
BRIGID
It’s an interior courtyard . . . / not a—
ERIK
DEIRDRE
Oh, excuse me . . .
(Looking out the window)
Well hey now, Fancy . . .
perhaps we should all take a
stroll in the interior courtyard
after dinner.
Brigid sighs, she knows she can’t win.
BRIGID
Okay, yes, it’s gross smokers use the alley as their ashtray, but . . . you don’t think this place has potential?
ERIK
I think if you moved to Pennsylvania your quality of life would shoot up.
BRIGID
Uh, if I moved to Pennsylvania, your quality of life would shoot up / tremendously—
ERIK
DEIRDRE
Oh yeah? What makes you
(Smiling)
think we like you so much?
Don’t flatter yourself, Lady . . .
BRIGID
You drove in from Scranton in the snow—
ERIK
The roads are all plowed—
BRIGID
—and you hate driving into the city . . .
Brigid hugs Erik. Deirdre recognizes a box.
ERIK
DEIRDRE
I don’t hate it . . .
Is this our—Bridge, you didn’t
even open our care-package?
BRIGID
I’m not opening anything until the moving truck gets here—
ERIK
Is it in transit or / is it still—
BRIGID
No, no it’s still stuck in Queens—Rich knows the details, but—now with the parade traffic, they won’t guarantee their mechanic’ll fix it before tomorrow . . .
Brigid finds what she has been looking for: a bag with several wrapped objects.
AIMEE
What’s all that?
BRIGID
(Handing out the wrapped packages)
You guys went out of your way to get here, / so . . . open . . .
DEIRDRE
What is it? . . .
BRIGID
Open, open . . .
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
What
did you get us?
Thank you . . . Erik don’t
[throw your wrapping away]—
I wanna save the wrapping . . .
They each unwrap a framed photo.
ERIK
Oh man . . .
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
You gotta be kidding me . . .
Oh God . . .
Aimee laughs.
ERIK
Wow . . .
BRIGID
Found it when I was packing.
DEIRDRE
. . . oh man . . . were we ever this young? . . . look how young you are, Aimee . . .
AIMEE
I’m an elephant in this photo . . .
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
You’re beautiful.
No . . .
AIMEE
. . . and I’m holding a funnel cake . . . I can’t even blame genetics . . .
ERIK
This is gold, Brigid, / thanks. Check it out, Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
It really is, honey . . . thank you.
AIMEE
I am a planet in this photo.
DEIRDRE
ERIK
Stop it, I’m bigger than you . . .
You look beautiful.
DEIRDRE
I miss Wildwood . . .
BRIGID
ERIK
Go back, take a vacation . . .
Oh man, that boardwalk . . .
DEIRDRE
Talk to this one, he hates traveling—
ERIK
I do not / hate traveling—
BRIGID
You hate traveling to New York—
ERIK
I do not hate traveling to New / York, no, no, I don’t . . .
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
Yes you do!
Okay, that’s a lie.
ERIK
. . . I hate that you’re moving a few blocks from where two towers got blown up and in a major flood zone . . . / I hate that . . .
BRIGID
This area is safe—
ERIK
Chinatown flooded during the last hurricane— / it flooded—
BRIGID
Yeah, that’s why I can afford to live here—it’s not like you gave me any money to help me out.
ERIK
BRIGID
Wow . . .
Hey, I’m—sorry, just . . .
Chinatown is safe— / you saw
my block, Dad—
DEIRDRE
Of course it is . . .
BRIGID
—no one’s gonna steer a plane into a, a fish market on Grand Street—
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
Brigid . . .
Let it go . . .
ERIK
I liked you living in Queens, all right? I worry enough with Aimee on the top floor of the Cira Centre—
AIMEE
Well stop, Philly is more stable than New York—
BRIGID
Aimee, don’t / make him more—
AIMEE
I’m just saying—it’s safer . . .
BRIGID
Yeah, ’cause not even terrorists wanna spend time in Philly, / Philly is awful—
AIMEE
Oh, ha ha . . .
ERIK
You think everything’s awful, you think Scranton is awful, / but it’s the place that—
BRIGID
AIMEE
We think it’s awful?!
Dad, it is!
ERIK
(Their amusement forces him to smile)
. . . yeah, well what I think’s funny is how you guys, you move to big cities and trash Scranton, when Momo almost killed herself getting outta New York—she didn’t have a real toilet in this city, and now her granddaughter moves right back to the place / she struggled to escape . . .
BRIGID
We know, yes . . . “return to the slums” . . .
DEIRDRE
It’s not the slums anymore . . .
ERIK
Oh man, that store—on the corner of Eldridge?—we went in to get you a candle—
DEIRDRE
Don’t tell her that, Erik, we didn’t end up buying it—
ERIK
The most expensive candles I’ve ever seen in my life.
AIMEE
(A gentle reality check)
They were twenty-five dollars.
ERIK
DEIRDRE
That’s a lot of money!
For a candle?! That’s insane,
you should get five candles for
that . . .
Richard ascends the staircase with a bottle of champagne and plastic cups.
RICHARD
Hey, thought we could have a champagne toast up here? Brigid claims we need to bless the upstairs and downstairs . . .
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
That is good Irish tradition,
Should we sing Momo’s
yessir . . .
favorite—we have to, right? . . .
BRIGID
Of course we’re gonna sing it! Rich has been warned.
Under the following dialogue, Erik wanders into the adjoining room to grab a private moment for himself; he rubs his aching lower back, takes a deep breath.
In the other room, Richard pours champagne into the plastic cups.
RICHARD
We only have plastic cups, but the good news is the bar is set very low if we ever host again.
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
We could care less . . .
Thank you, Richard . . .
champagne’ll make the cups
feel fancy.
Erik enters the bathroom.
BRIGID
Dad . . . ?
Brigid pokes her head into the other room, sees the shut bathroom door.
AIMEE
Did he sleep at all last night?
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
Yeah he seems—
I’m not gonna worry about
him, okay, otherwise / I’ll stop
sleeping myself . . .
AIMEE
Okay, okay . . .
BRIGID
All right, let’s just, let’s show Rich how badly our voices blend, / we’ll do the money verses, yeah? . . .
RICHARD
AIMEE
I’m excited to hear this . . .
Yeah, and FYI, I’ve been
staying on key lately, you need
to calm down . . .
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
The Blakes have been singing
You need to calm down . . .
it for generations.
AIMEE
Will Momo join in if we—
DEIRDRE
Oh yeah—she’s still good with music, Rich, wait’ll you hear, / she’ll join in . . .
BRIGID
(Calling to the bathroom)
—Dad! We’re waiting for you . . .
(To Aimee)
. . . you want to start us off? . . .
AIMEE
No, no . . . I always start too high and you yell at me.
Erik exits the bathroom and starts to sing.
ERIK
Oh all the money that ere I had—
This elicits cheers/groans from the women.
BRIGID
Get in here! That is a terrible key for me.
Erik joins the group in the next room.
BRIGID
(Restarting in a better key for her)
Oh all the money that ere I had,
I lost it in good company
(Spoken)
Ladies . . . [join me] . . .
They occasionally look to Momo affectionately, expecting her to join in.
BRIGID, AIMEE AND DEIRDRE
And of all the harm that ere I’ve done,
Alas was done to none but me
And all I’ve done for
want of wit,
Till memory now I can’t recall
BRIGID
[Dad, you sing too . . . ]
BRIGID, AIMEE, DEIRDRE AND ERIK
Lay down your fears and raise your glass
May peace and joy be with you all
Brigid indicates Aimee should take the next verse.
AIMEE
Oh may all the friends that ere I had,
Be sorry at my going away
(Spoken)
I’m a lawyer, Rich—
(Back to singing)
And I pray the family that I have,
Will wish me one more day to stay
Aimee gestures to Erik, indicates he should take the next verse.
ERIK
But if blackness falls upon my lot;
If I should fall and you should not
BRIGID, AIMEE, DEIRDRE AND ERIK
Pray that all my fears be soon forgot,
May peace and joy be with you all
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
Take us home . . .
Last verse . . .
ERIK
Oh, if I had enough money to spend
And leisure time to sit a while
(Indicating Deirdre)
There is a maiden in this town
That sorely has my heart beguiled
DEIRDRE
Yeah, it better be me.
ERIK
Her pale white cheeks her skin of snow,
I will not rest till she comes to call
BRIGID, AIMEE, DEIRDRE AND ERIK
The Humans Page 2