my oldest sister was a
mannequin working in a
grocery store . . . what, I’m
. . . Richard . . .
serious . . .
ERIK
DEIRDRE
All I remember . . .
Was yours that [weird]?—
oh . . . what . . . ?
ERIK
. . . there’s not much to . . .
BRIGID
Tell us . . . come on, Big Guy . . .
ERIK
. . . a coupla nights I’ve had this [recurring dream] . . .
. . . there’ll be a, a woman . . .
BRIGID
Uh-huh . . . and . . .
ERIK
(Trying to remember)
. . . her back’s to me . . . or maybe . . .
. . . something happens where . . .
. . . her head turns, and
I can see that her face is all . . . [messed up]
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
What?
Just tell us—
ERIK
. . . her skin’s stretched over her eyes and her mouth . . .
BRIGID
Ewww . . .
DEIRDRE
She’s got no face?
ERIK
. . . just skin where her eyes and mouth should be, / you know—
BRIGID
Ewww—
ERIK
. . . yeah, skin over the holes in her ears, over everything . . .
A thud from above. Everyone jumps—
ERIK
Whoa, / whoa, how’s that for timing?
BRIGID
RICHARD
Guys, sorry about that—
Okay, okay . . . yeah, maybe
we should go up and say
something . . .
DEIRDRE
Welcome to New York . . .
What do you think she’s—is
she exercising or something,
do you think? . . .
ERIK
No, you think she’s sweating to the oldies up there? / No way . . .
DEIRDRE
I dunno, maybe, unless—oh wait, you know what it probably is? / I’m just realizing . . .
BRIGID
RICHARD
What is it?
What?
DEIRDRE
. . . it’s the faceless lady, telling us to be quiet . . . / or maybe she wants some turkey . . .
ERIK
BRIGID
Nice . . . very funny . . .
Mom, are you drunk? . . .
In fact everyone has had just enough to drink that this starts to feel very funny.
DEIRDRE
(Fighting back laughter)
—but how would she eat the turkey? She’s got no mouth . . .
Deirdre mimes a woman without a mouth trying to eat turkey.
It’s so unfunny it’s kind of funny. Eventually even Brigid laughs.
BRIGID
ERIK
Oh my God, stop . . .
I’m so glad I shared my nightmare, thank you for your love and support—
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
We’re teasing!
Tell us the rest . . .
RICHARD
Tough crowd, Erik . . .
BRIGID
Finish telling us your—
ERIK
Oh right, like I’m gonna— / you had your chance—yeah now you’re sorry . . . man, you see what I’m up against, Rich?
DEIRDRE
I’m sorry, I’m sorry . . . oh don’t punish us I’m just being silly, I’m sorry . . . how does it end?
UPSTAIRS: Aimee calls from the top of the stairs.
AIMEE
(Calling down)
Should I ask the dinosaur upstairs to tread a little more softly?
BRIGID
Not unless you speak Cantonese . . . / just come down . . .
RICHARD
Erik you’ll appreciate this . . . last week I dreamed I fell through an ice-cream cone made of grass and became a baby.
BRIGID
Okay, no no no, save your dreams for Christmas, we’re almost ready to eat here . . .
(Calling up)
. . . Aimee! . . .
UPSTAIRS: From the apartment above them, the sound of running footsteps moving from one side of the room to the other. Aimee looks up. So does Erik. It’s a bizarre noise—maybe the kind a tantrum-throwing toddler would make stomping about.
ERIK
Why don’t I go up and ask her to just please / —just to please keep it down—
BRIGID
No, no these floors are so old, Dad—behold . . .
Brigid gets up, walks up the stairs.
RICHARD
The whole building groans at times . . . we have two sets of ear plugs.
UPSTAIRS: Aimee is responding to an e-mail on her phone. Brigid starts stomping around.
AIMEE
What are you doing?
BRIGID
Showing Dad how creeky the floors are . . .
ERIK
Okay . . . you don’t have to do that!
Aimee starts jumping around with her. At a certain point the jumping and stomping become more about Aimee and Brigid releasing a lot of stress.
DEIRDRE
RICHARD
These floors are made of
Okay, honey, point proven!
tissue paper . . .
They recover. Brigid playfully collapses on the floor, a bit exhausted. Aimee moves closer to the window for reception.
AIMEE
DOWNSTAIRS:
(To her blackberry, referring to a new message)
Stop e-mailing me . . .
RICHARD
(Getting the table ready, to Deirdre/Erik)
Water and soda for dinner?
ERIK
Both—for the both of us, yeah?
DEIRDRE
Yeah, thanks . . .
BRIGID
(This has been on her mind)
Mom’s been bringing up marriage—and the Mary statue?—we’ve been doing so good and today she’s back to—
AIMEE
(Half-engaged with her e-mail)
Being here’s just . . . making it more real for her, no?
BRIGID
No, I dunno, something’s [not right] . . . I dunno . . .
AIMEE
(Finishing her e-mail)
. . . sorry—they even find me on holidays . . . it never ends . . .
(Putting her blackberry away)
. . . how’s work for you? . . .
BRIGID
DOWNSTAIRS:
Uh, the restaurant pays me
under the table so I can still
collect unemployment, so
Richard enters the kitchen.
that’s been good . . . but . . .
Deirdre checks in with Erik
my career is . . . [nonexistent]
about something; Erik nods,
. . . [I don’t wanna talk about
then wanders into the adjoining
it] . . .
room and paces. Deirdre
decides to give Erik his space;
AIMEE
she moves into the kitchen to
Hey, okay . . .
help Richard.
Brigid takes a deep breath, exhales.
BRIGID
I’m just glad Rich and I made the leap, / it was time, you know?
AIMEE
Yeah . . . he’s great, Bridge . . .
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
How can I help you, Rich?
Yeah, we were always at each other’s place, so financially it
BRIGID
was just stupid, you know . . .
RICHARD
Rich made up this list of pros
Uh, how about . . .
and cons . . . to move in or
not to move in . . . Aimee,
; his lists . . . I found one posted
Deirdre helps Richard in the
to the fridge last week called:
kitchen. They are occasionally
“ways to have fun”; [What
half heard speaking to each
the fuck?!]—stuff like: dance
other. Erik is the prominent figure
with yourself; take long walks
downstairs—he paces in the
at sunset . . . game nights . . .
hall, refers to a piece of paper.
AIMEE
That’s endearing . . .
BRIGID
I know . . . I dunno, we were happy without making it so official, so / . . . I dunno . . .
AIMEE
Yeah, well . . . Carol and I broke up because . . . we were unhappy?
. . . and now I’m [wondering] . . .
maybe loving someone long-term is more about . . .
deciding whether to go through life unhappy alone . . .
or unhappy with someone else?
BRIGID
Richard can draw up a list of reasons why your breakup was a good thing, if you want . . . / I can ask him to draft a very long list—
AIMEE
No, shuttup so . . . ugh: I need to have that surgery . . . / the one where they’ll—
BRIGID
What? I thought you could put that off until your sixties or—
AIMEE
This test showed—it’s just dysplasia which means . . . it’s not cancer, but with colitis it’ll become cancer if they don’t take it out, so . . .
BRIGID
You’ll lose the whole intestine?
AIMEE
It cures the disease, though, so . . . but . . . yeah . . . they make a hole in your abdomen so the waste can, you know . . .
BRIGID
Do Mom and Dad know?
AIMEE
No, I don’t want to discuss it at dinner and . . . I’m okay, I’m mostly just like . . . uhhhh, how am I gonna find another girlfriend? . . . / I’m serious . . .
BRIGID
You’re a complete catch.
AIMEE
I’m gonna be pooing out of a hole in my abdomen. Who’s gonna / date me?
BRIGID
Aimee . . . lots of people . . .
AIMEE
Lotta ugly people . . .
BRIGID
Aimee!
AIMEE
. . . lotta troll ladies, who’ll have their own troll problems . . .
BRIGID
Stop . . .
AIMEE
. . . living under bridges . . .
BRIGID
. . . if you shat out your ears—if they re-routed your colon to your ears I’d still marry you.
AIMEE
. . . uh-huh . . . when do I even—do I wait for the third date to be like: “Just FYI, I shit out of a hole in my belly.” Is that a fifth date thing?
BRIGID
Sorry you have to go through all that.
Erik resolves to go upstairs, but stops near the top of the staircase when he realizes the girls are talking about him.
AIMEE
I’m more worried about—did you notice Mom’s knees? . . . Going down / the stairs . . .
BRIGID
I saw, yeah . . . I’m afraid to ask how her arthritis is . . . or Dad’s back . . . / I don’t wanna know . . .
AIMEE
Well it’s bothering him—can’t you tell he’s—
BRIGID
No, yeah I just assumed . . . it’s probably . . . he hasn’t been sleeping, right? . . .
The light fixture above them burns out.
BRIGID
AIMEE
Shit . . .
Was that the light?
DOWNSTAIRS: Erik shifts his direction and heads back downstairs, hurt by what he’s overheard.
DEIRDRE
What are they doing up there?—
ERIK
BRIGID
(To Deirdre)
(Calling down)
They’re coming, they’re coming . . .
Richard . . . Rich . . . babe, do we have a spare bulb? The light up here is out.
RICHARD
(Aside, to Deirdre)
(Calling up)
I’ll ask them after dinner . . .
Can you just . . . open the
I’ll ask later . . .
bathroom door, let that light spill into—
BRIGID
Richard, that’s not a very good solution to the problem—
RICHARD
Well, I’m not a magician, do you want me / to make a light bulb appear out of thin air?
DEIRDRE
Well hey, how—Rich . . . how ’bout, there’s an LED lantern in our care-package . . . lemme get that out so it’s not like a cave up there . . . problem solved . . .
RICHARD
Uh, sure . . . thanks, Deirdre.
Deirdre goes upstairs.
Brigid turns on the light in the bathroom and opens the door; Aimee opens the care-package box.
BRIGID
You bought us a lantern?
ERIK
(Calling up)
I bought it. After what the hurricane did to this neighborhood . . . you can’t be without light, not in a basement apartment.
DOWNSTAIRS: Richard and Erik take care of final table arrangements.
UPSTAIRS: Deirdre and Aimee and Brigid sift through her care-package box.
AIMEE
(Seeing what else is in the care-package)
Cans of tuna? Oh Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
You gotta be prepared . . .
ERIK
They say another storm’s gonna strike this year . . . you’re in a Zone A flood zone.
RICHARD
Well I don’t blame you for worrying, especially after—Brigid told me about . . . you and Aimee.
ERIK
UPSTAIRS:
Yeah, well . . .
BRIGID
There are literally three
thousand double-A batteries in
here.
. . . yeah . . .
DEIRDRE
There are literally twelve.
. . . what’s funny is Bridge is
the one who’d been—you can
imagine her as a teenager,
Deirdre puts batteries into two
she was a piece of work, she
flashlights and the lantern.
loved teasing me because
Aimee heads to the window to
Scranton’s a stone’s throw
deal with work e-mails.
from the greatest city in the
world but I’ve never even,
you know, I’d never seen the
ERIK
Statue of Liberty, never seen
BRIGID
the . . . [anyway . . .]
A wind-up radio?
. . . she’s a piece of work . . .
[anyway] . . .
DEIRDRE
. . . so when—
You’ll thank me later.
Aimee got a, an interview to
be a paralegal at this New York
firm . . . I took the day off,
drove her in . . . Aimee’s at
her interview by 8:45, thirty-
seventh floor and . . . I’m at
a Dunkin’ Donuts across the
street ’cause the observation
deck didn’t open until 9:30, /
otherwise . . .
RICHARD
Oh man . . .
ERIK
. . . yeah, took me hours to
BRIGID
find her ’cause . . . I had no
(To Aimee)
cell then . . . but . . .
Stop checking your e-mail.
RICHARD
Man, I can’t even [imagine]
DEIRDRE
. . . / it’s just crazy . . .
(Turning on the lantern
)
There we go . . .
ERIK
. . . yeah . . . well . . . what’s
Deirdre walks into the darkest
crazy is how you still mess
spot in the upstairs hallway to
up . . . you still—
place the lantern on the floor.
Brigid is about to head back
downstairs . . .
UPSTAIRS: Deirdre screams. Her lantern falls to the floor.
ERIK
RICHARD
The Humans Page 6