They drink. Audible-but-indecipherable conversation from Aimee and Brigid in the kitchen.
ERIK
In mine there was this one other weird thing I . . . [remember] . . .
RICHARD
In your dream?
ERIK
(Nodding)
[Yeah] . . . I didn’t bring it up with—
The girls already think I’m losing it, you know but—
the woman without a [face] . . .
she’s trying to get me in this, like a tunnel?
RICHARD
Yeah? And what do you do?
ERIK
Uh . . . I don’t move, I dunno . . .
Erik shrugs it off, not wanting it to seem like a big deal.
More audible-but-indecipherable conversation and laughs from Brigid and Aimee in the kitchen.
RICHARD
What’s going on in there?
BRIGID
(Offstage)
None of your business!
They drink.
RICHARD
Tunnels are—in my class we got this list of primitive settings?—tunnels and caves, forests, the sea . . . stuff so a part of us it’s . . . you know, two hundred thousand years ago . . . someone might’ve . . . closed their eyes and . . . seen a similar kind of [image] . . . ?
A mechanical rumble sounds from behind the basement door.
RICHARD
Trash compactor.
They drink. The rumble stops.
RICHARD
Get in it next time, / the tunnel . . .
ERIK
(Lighthearted)
Thanks, / I’ll try that . . .
RICHARD
I mean tunnels can just be,
stuff hidden from yourself?
so passing through one . . . [I dunno] . . . could be . . .
a favorable omen . . . you know?
ERIK
Is it a fortune-telling school you’re at? / —“a favorable omen”?—
RICHARD
(Smiling)
No . . . / no it is not . . .
ERIK
—you sure? You gonna bring out a crystal ball later?
Surreal jarring clank of pre-war pipes. The noise covers Deirdre opening the bathroom door.
The girls return from the kitchen, laughing.
RICHARD
(Regarding their laughing)
What?
AIMEE
We’re conferring about . . . Mom’s latest e-mail forward, / oh man . . .
BRIGID
ERIK
(Laughing)
Hey, hey shhhh . . .
Did you get it, Dad? . . .
UPSTAIRS: Deirdre stops in her tracks. We realize she can (most likely) hear their discussion.
AIMEE
(To Richard)
Rich, the subject line was: “PLEASE READ THIS” in all caps, all caps—so the e-mail got flagged by my IT department for being “potentially harmful” . . .
BRIGID
[Yeah], which was kinda prophetic.
RICHARD
Why—what did it say?
BRIGID
She forwarded a Scientific American article about how . . . nothing’s solid; when you’re touching a table, you’re really feeling its molecules bouncing against—we’re not even solid, we’re, what . . . electrons / pushing back against everything . . . ?
AIMEE
Electrons, yeah . . . it also had vague religious overtones, there was a poem at the bottom in about ten fonts about how we already are a part of everything, how—
ERIK
Hey don’t make fun of your mom, / no, I’m serious—
AIMEE
BRIGID
Dad, come on, it was a little crazy—
We’re making fun of the e-mail . . .
AIMEE
—it was like: “Happy Tuesday, oh and just FYI: at the subatomic level, everything is chaotic and unstable . . . love, Mom.”
ERIK
You have to start writing her back, okay? / I mean it . . . even to stuff like that . . .
AIMEE
You’re right.
BRIGID
I know, I will . . .
So they won’t know she’s been listening, Deirdre walks to the bathroom door and shuts it again. Downstairs, they acknowledge the door shutting.
ERIK
. . . Rich, I hope you don’t think the Blakes’re [insensitive] . . . we’re better than that, / we’re drinking a bit too much here . . .
RICHARD
BRIGID
No, no way . . . and hey . . .
He doesn’t think that . . .
no . . . if my family’s meals are
any calmer it’s only because,
the joke in my family is that
our holidays are all sponsored
by Klonopin, so / . . . or so the
joke goes . . .
ERIK
What’s that?
Richard . . .
AIMEE
RICHARD
Just, it’s medicine . . .
. . . sorry, [bad joke] . . .
Deirdre is now descending the staircase. Momo moans a bit in her sleep.
MOMO
(Mumbled)
. . . you can never come black . . . / you can never come back you can never come back you can never come back you can never come back . . .
DEIRDRE
(To Erik, checking on Momo)
I got it, stay down . . .
Laundry-room noise sounds from behind the basement door.
BRIGID
That’s the laundry room. That’ll die down . . .
DEIRDRE
What kind of people would do laundry on Thanksgiving?
BRIGID
Mom, Chinese people.
The laundry-room noise dies down.
BRIGID
Having all this space makes it worth it . . . putting up with the noise.
AIMEE
(Clearing plates)
. . . you done, Mom?
DEIRDRE
ERIK
(Tending to Momo)
The, uh . . . I should say the
Yeah, I’m full . . .
other thing I was . . . wanted
to, uh . . . whoa . . . man,
I haven’t had that much to
drink but my thought train
just got all—
AIMEE
Your “thought train”? / Yeah I’d say your thought train just got derailed . . .
BRIGID
Stop drinking, then . . .
AIMEE
. . . I’m gonna have to call you a car, unless . . .
DEIRDRE
ERIK
. . . Erik . . .
No I’ll stop drinking, I’m done . . .
BRIGID
But unless you camp out here for a few more hours—
ERIK
AIMEE
Don’t worry about me, I’m
You’re too—Dad, grow up, I’m
fine—I was trying to
calling you a car . . .
remember the pig-smash,
that’s what I’m— / we’re for-
getting about our pig-smash . . .
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Okay, but . . . not sure we [should until]—
Oh good idea, let’s do it now . . .
RICHARD
Someone needs to explain the rules . . .
AIMEE
BRIGID
Mom, get over here, we’re pig-smashing.
It’s very simple . . . we each pass it around, say what we’re thankful for, then we smash the pig . . .
AIMEE
And then we each eat a piece of the peppermint for good luck.
RICHARD
That is the weirdest tradition—
DEIRDRE
Please, that’s the weirdest . . . ? Wait until you spend a Christmas with us . . .
ERIK
She’s th
reatening to invite all the Bhutanese in Scranton over for caroling.
DEIRDRE
Oh that’s not a threat, honey, that’s happening.
BRIGID
Here we go, why don’t you start, babe.
RICHARD
Ah, now I’m nervous. Okay, uh . . .
(Small beat)
. . . this year I’m most thankful for falling in love with Brigid . . . and for . . . getting a new family in the process.
(Awwwws from everyone)
Now I . . . [smash the pig?] . . .
He takes the tiny mallet and smashes the pig.
BRIGID
(With love)
That was a terrible smash . . . / do it harder . . .
RICHARD
Well I don’t know . . . you made me go first!
BRIGID
AIMEE
Okay, Dad you go next . . .
Rich, it was a fine smash . . .
ERIK
Okay, well . . . I already gave one speech so lemme just say . . . I’m thankful for having your unconditional love and support. Hope there’s nothing any of us could ever do to . . . change that . . . what we’ve got right here, ’cause this is what matters . . . this family . . .
He smashes the pig, passes the mallet to Deirdre. Aimee finds this toast a bit odd.
DEIRDRE
All right, well I’m with your dad and—it may sound cliché, but I’m thankful for the both of you . . .
Deirdre smashes the pig. She then hands the mallet to Brigid who passes it to Aimee.
AIMEE
I think you should go next.
BRIGID
Okay . . . I’ll state the obvious, there will never be a year I’m not thankful that the observation deck didn’t open until 9:30 . . . so . . . and I’m grateful Momo’s with us . . . oh—
(To Erik)
—a wise old, haggard drunk man once told me that pursuing your passion is a gift—so I’m grateful for that reminder . . . even if I end up pursuing it while managing an H&M, / I’m lucky . . . no I’m actually being serious about that, I am . . .
AIMEE
DEIRDRE
Ohhh so soon, so soon . . .
See what you’ve done?
BRIGID
(She’s about to smash, then—)
And while [you’re all here]—if anything were to ever happen to me, like an accident or whatever—and it won’t, but: I’d want to be cremated—I know it’s weird to talk about but you guys’d do open-casket so I’ve been trying to find a way to bring it up that isn’t morbid or weird.
AIMEE
Well you didn’t find it, Bridge.
Erik and Aimee are now laughing. Eventually Richard joins them.
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Are you serious? You’re crazy.
Oh come on—I am seri—
. . . You’re crazy . . . / no one
in this family can handle
honesty . . .
ERIK
You are a piece of work . . . God bless you, you are . . .
AIMEE
No you’re right, Bridge, dinner is the perfect place to discuss what we should do with your dead body . . . / thank you . . .
BRIGID
I hate you all.
AIMEE
. . . pass me that pig.
(Beat)
All right. So. In a year where—I lost my job, my girlfriend, and I’m bleeding internally . . . really a banner year . . . I’m thankful for what’s right, okay? I love that in times like this I have a home base, a family I can always come home to. Thanks for giving us that.
BRIGID
You always have to win.
RICHARD
Yeah, she really cremated you.
Richard’s joke is so lame it makes everyone laugh.
BRIGID
Wow just when you can’t get / less funny . . .
DEIRDRE
(Laughing)
She cremated you! She really cremated you . . . oh man . . .
They recover.
ERIK
How about for Momo—should we read Momo’s e-mail?
BRIGID
AIMEE
Dad, no, it makes us cry—
Oh God, get out the kleenex . . .
ERIK
This might be our last Thanksgiving together, can we please give her a voice . . . ?
BRIGID
AIMEE
Of course, just . . .
Yeah, has he heard this?
RICHARD
I heard about it, but not the actual . . .
ERIK
She wrote this before she got really sick, Rich . . . an e-mail to these girls, what four years ago?
Erik finds the message on his phone.
DEIRDRE
Here, give it to me, you’re gonna end up asking me to finish . . .
Erik hands her his phone.
DEIRDRE
“Dear Aimee and Brigid, I was clumsy around you both today and felt confused. I couldn’t remember your names and felt bad about that. It’s strange, slowly becoming someone I don’t know. But while I am still here, I want to say: don’t worry about me once I drift off for good. I’m not scared. If anything, I wish I could’ve known that most of the stuff I did spend my life worrying about wasn’t so bad. Maybe it’s because this disease has me forgetting the worst stuff, but right now I’m feeling nothing about this life was worth getting so worked up about. Not even dancing at weddings.”
(The Blakes smile. They have inside understanding of this remark)
“Dancing at weddings always scared the crap out of me, but now it doesn’t seem like such a big deal. This is taking me forever to type. Consider this my fond farewell. Erin go bragh. Dance more than I did. Drink less than I did. Go to church. Be good to everyone you love. I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
They recover, some quiet tears of appreciation. They pass around the smashed pieces of peppermint; they each take a bite, one at a time. Then Erik goes to the kitchen for a beer.
RICHARD
I’m buying a pig for my family.
Richard starts to clear plates, goes to the kitchen.
BRIGID
(To Erik)
He wants you to like him.
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
We love him . . .
We do . . .
ERIK
Yeah, just look out for each other, okay?, that’s what counts . . .
DEIRDRE
Amen . . . in sickness and health / . . . for richer for poorer . . .
AIMEE
Tell that to Carol . . .
(To Erik)
Hey if you’re having another beer, fine, but I’m calling a car for you guys . . .
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
Thanks for drinking responsibly, Dad.
Erik . . .
ERIK
I’m forgetting I’m not home, I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry . . .
AIMEE
I don’t mind using my work account now that I’m on my way out—
ERIK
DEIRDRE
No way, that’s gonna cost a fortune . . .
No way, no, I’ll drive, I’ve been drinking water . . .
AIMEE
BRIGID
I’m calling a car, end of discussion.
Mom for like the last ten minutes . . .
DEIRDRE
Aimee, they’ll keep a closer eye on your expenses now—
ERIK
Yeah no way, what’d we do about our car?
Aimee is already on her way upstairs.
AIMEE
This is on me, / it’s not up for discussion.
BRIGID
Dad, Rich can drive it in tomorrow or—you should bus it into the city and help us paint this weekend, okay? We’ll put you to work, just / take the car . . .
ERIK
Yeah, just, I’m not used to driving on Thanksgiving, Rich—
RICHARD
>
No worries—Bridge, should we re-park the car? I think it’s street cleaning in the morning but . . . we’ll figure it out . . .
Brigid mouths “Thank you, I love you” into Richard’s ear. They kiss. Their affection for each other triggers something in Erik—embarrassment that Richard needed to take care of him? Nostalgia for his own early romance with Deirdre?
The stage picture should subtly highlight Brigid and Richard’s flawed-but-alive connection and a gulf between Erik and Deirdre. Erik decides to go upstairs.
Aimee has dialed her cell . . .
AIMEE
Hi I need a car . . . yeah, just charge it to my account . . . right, it’s going to a town in PA . . . zip is 18433 . . . Scott Town-ship . . . no case number, take it out of my personal . . . yeah, exactly . . . uh, three—but one of them is in a wheelchair—
(To Erik, who has arrived upstairs)
Do you guys need a van for Momo . . . ?—
ERIK
DOWNSTAIRS:
Here, give it here . . . [mouths
“go downstairs” to Aimee]
Richard and Brigid continue
(On the phone)
bussing dishes; they set out a
. . . hi, yeah three but . . . we
dessert tray and some ice cream
don’t need a van it’ll fit in the
and spoons.
trunk, it folds . . . uh-huh . . .
a lot cheaper or—? . . . then
Deirdre—unseen by anyone—
a van’s good then that’s fine
is silently overcome with emotion,
. . . uh-huh . . . yeah, uh-
covers her face to stifle sobs.
The Humans Page 9