"Rihanna helped me," I confessed, pleased with the compliments. "Do you really like it?"
"I really love it. I may get mine cut like that," she answered, earning a frown from Russ. I hurried to say something to forestall an argument. They could sort out their disagreements in private.
"I can't wait to see what the other girls think, and do you think Gracie will remember me?" I babbled.
"Of course she will, honey, she's not a little baby. She asks for you all the time, and we show her your picture. Russ, why don't we ever Facetime with Janey? How long have you had your hair that way, Janey? We'd have known long ago that you got it cut!"
Russ couldn't get a word in to answer, and there was no adequate answer anyway. But I was glad they hadn't Facetimed me, I wanted to see their reactions in person.
"About a month, maybe five weeks," I answered. "Can we go? I'm super excited to see Gracie."
When we pulled in at the ranch, it was nearly eleven p.m., and my baby girl was long since asleep. I had to content myself with gazing at her in her little bed, looking like an angel with her tangle of blonde curls. We were lucky; all of our kids took after us instead of Jed, who was dark-haired. I risked a soft kiss on Gracie's forehead, and then went to bed myself, though I thought I wouldn't sleep. I was wrong, though. The next thing I knew, a piping voice was saying the most beautiful word in the world: Mommy!
"Hi, baby, come give mommy a hug," I said sleepily. I had to help her climb up into the tall bed, but soon I was snuggled with Gracie, and she was talking as fast as she could about her toys, a puppy, her little brother Enoch and loving me. All I could do was laugh and hug her. I'm sure I didn't get half of what she was telling me, but just her presence filled me with joy. I buried my face in her curls and inhaled baby shampoo scent.
"I missed you, Gracie," I told her.
"Mithed you, mommy. I love you," she said. If it got any better than that, I could die happy right then.
"Shall we go get some breakfast?" I asked her.
"Bickits," she said, with a toothy grin.
"We'll see if Janet made biscuits. What about pancakes, would you eat some pancakes if that's what Janet made?"
"Bickits," she insisted. I wondered if she'd throw a fit if there were no biscuits. I knew from watching the others' kids that the terrible twos gave way to the terrorist threes, and I had another year or so of that before I could count on a sweet four-year-old. Reflecting that being a part-time mom for this phase wasn't all bad, I got up and got us dressed, then went in search of breakfast.
We were late for the communal breakfast, but to my relief, Janet had biscuits, along with sausage gravy and eggs that, because I was late, were cooked to my order. I promptly asked for poached, because when she was feeding two and a half dozen people Janet couldn't manage that, so poached was a rare treat. The homey aromas from Janet's kitchen filled me with nostalgia though I'd only been gone for six weeks or so.
"Janet, I love the way your kitchen smells," I told her. That's when she actually looked at me for the first time, and let out a shriek that alarmed me and set Grace crying.
"Land sakes, girl, look at your hair!" she cried.
"Oh, I should have combed it, I'm sorry. It's a mess, I know," I apologized. Instead of dealing with it before breakfast, I had gathered it high on my head and put a scrunchy around it to hold it there.
"No! I mean, it's shorter, am I right? Sorry I scared Gracie," she managed.
"Oh, yes, I cut it. Russ and Charity didn't say anything at breakfast?"
"No, I guess they was just hopin' I'd have a heart attack and they'd be rid of me," she joked. "Is that the way you wear it now? Up in a bun like that?"
"No, you'll see after I've had a chance to clean up. Janet, Gracie wants some biscuits," I said.
"Pancakes," said Gracie.
~~~
I hoped to avoid another shock like Janet had experienced, so after breakfast I rushed back to our room to make myself presentable for the day with a shower and blowing out my hair. Little Gracie made my day again by saying, "Pretty, mommy," once it was done. Then I bathed her and got her dressed again, then went to see Amber.
Amber's eyes widened when she caught a glimpse of me from the floor of the playroom where she was helping Enoch build a Lego tower. She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around me. "Janey, you look, just, stupendous!" she cried.
Well, that was another positive vote. I smiled and twirled for her, then put Grace down with Enoch and hugged Amber. I drew her over to a couple of adult-sized chairs where we could talk while the little ones played.
"Tell me all about it, Janey. I'm so excited to see you! Do you think I should go to college? Have you met any friends? Do the boys like you?" Her questions were coming so fast I couldn't possibly answer, so I put my hand over her mouth.
"Slow down, sis, you're going to helicopter right out of this room. Yes, I think you should go to college; yes, I've met friends and yes, some of the boys like me. Shall I tell you about it?"
"Oh, yes! I'll be quiet," she said, practically bouncing in her excitement. She made a zipping motion across her lips, folded her hands in her lap and looked at me, her eyes shining with anticipation. Because she was my baby sister, I decided not to tell her about the drinking, or my obsession with Justin Mackey. All in due time, and I'd talk to at least Annalee and maybe Celeste about it. But, for now, telling Amber about Rihanna, her friends and my classes seemed to satisfy her.
At lunch, I got quite a bit of attention from the hands, ranging from sidelong glances to winks and big smiles. I loved it. Like most of the younger hands Russ had taken in over the years, the majority of the recent additions were shy or sullen; loners that life had beaten down before they even got to be adults.
The boldest of them, a boy of nineteen named Tyler, lingered after lunch to ask me if I'd like to ride with him later, when he’d finished his chores. I looked to Charity for guidance, and she nodded ever so slightly. "I'd love to," I said. It seemed this wouldn't be a boring week for boys after all.
When he'd gone and Gracie put down for her nap, I went in search of Charity, who was resting. When I saw her lying down on the library sofa, I started to tiptoe away, but she called me back. "I'm not asleep, just putting my legs up for a while. This baby must be a boy, I swear he already weighs as much as Russ," she joked. I laughed and asked her if I could bring her something to drink. A few minutes later, we were both enjoying Janet's scrumptious homemade lemonade as we gossiped.
It was time to talk to Charity about what I was doing at campus, not just studying, which I was, but also my growing social life, my friendship with devil-may-care Rihanna, and my attraction to one of my professors. Charity wasn't that much older than I, twenty-four to my eighteen, but after being a foster mother to the five of us, she was wiser than her years. She listened and responded as I chattered, smiling at the fun, frowning a little when I hinted that I might have had a drink or two.
Her face cleared when I told her how much I was enjoying classes, and that I was making top marks in everything but math. I was at least passing that, I explained. I just didn't enjoy it. Charity became very troubled, though, when I took a deep breath and told her I might be in love with one of my professors. "You haven't, er, done anything with him have you?" she asked.
"No, nothing like that. I just gaze at him all through class and drool," I laughed. "He's craycray gorgeous."
"What did you say?" she laughed.
"I'm trying to learn slang," I explained, blushing. "It means crazy. He's hot, crazy gorgeous."
"Honey, be careful. I don't think it's exactly forbidden, since you're of age, but teachers and students shouldn't mix like that. It's not right," she said.
"Why?"
"Well, because he's got some authority over you, as your teacher. It isn't an equal relationship," she explained. I tucked that advice away in my memory, but I didn't feel any differently. If I had a chance to date Justin Mackey, I was going to take it. How could he exert authorit
y over me if we were just seeing each other, and it was what I wanted?
My few days back at home flew by all too quickly. I rode out with Tyler in the late afternoon, but only once. I got so little time with Gracie as it was, between her afternoon nap and her early bedtime, that I didn't want to spend any of it away from her.
Another time, Charity and Amber and I all piled into the new SUV and drove over to see Annalee and her new baby, who was growing like a weed. We went into town to see Celeste and Ciara, too. I was shocked at Celeste's appearance. She'd cut her hair, shorter than mine, and dyed it red. She wore a lot of makeup, too, and had pierced her ears and started additionally wearing one thick earring she called a gauge. For the first time, we didn't all look like sisters, and I couldn't believe the difference six weeks could make.
On Thursday, my last day at the ranch, Janet prepared a big family dinner. All of my sisters came, even Celeste, who traded a shift at the truck stop where she worked to be there. Though most of them had to leave early in the evening to get home and prepare for another workday, we had a grand time being together again, all in one place. Celeste took the brunt of the teasing, because of her flaming red hair, but it was okay. I'd made my splash each time another of my sisters saw my transformation. I felt special, sexy and loved, and Tyler only reinforced the sexy part. I could tell he wanted so badly to kiss me, but hadn't made the move. I didn't give him any help.
Friday morning, Russ, Charity and I packed the car and I said a tearful goodbye to my baby, who of course threw a monumental tantrum. Amber finally had to carry her struggling and screaming into the house so that we could leave, and I cried all the way to Rock Springs.
CHAPTER FOUR
At first, I tried to talk Russ out of buying me a car. He had already done so much that I didn't think I should take advantage of his generosity. But he explained again that my having a car on campus would help him when their new baby was born. When I realized it meant I could go back to the ranch anytime I wanted, I began to warm to the idea. Because of the terrible driving conditions across Wyoming in the winter, we decided on an SUV, a Honda CRV, red of course. Russ told me to watch my speed, since the red car would attract traffic cops.
I ran into the dorm room super excited to see Rihanna after our week apart. Dragging her by the hand like she had dragged me the first day we met, I took her to see my new car and take a spin around campus.
"Girl, you're driving from now on," she squealed.
"Works for me," I replied. "Don't you just love the color?"
"Cop magnet," she smirked.
I wasted no time putting into action my plan to reinvent myself. I hung out with Rihanna as often as possible, while doing my best to attract the attention of Prof. Mackey. Fortunately, Rihanna and her friends always hung out as a group, and very seldom paired off. She had a gaggle of girlfriends who were always good for a laugh and a party. She called them her posse, or sometimes her peeps, and our group made quite a splash on the dance floor.
Naturally, there were some boys in the group, too. Mostly they were kids Rihanna had gone to high school with. They were good fun, and almost every weekend night, you could find my CRV stuffed with as many of them as would fit. Sometimes we went out during the day, too, and then it was usually for a hike or picnic in the nearby Wasatch Mountains. I was having the time of my life just being a teenager for once. However, none of Riana’s boyfriends interested me as potential date material because Justin Mackey blinded me to their charms.
On the first day back after fall break, I used every beauty tip that Rihanna had showed me to try to stand out in English class. Of course, there were probably fifty students in the class, and many of them were other girls who also wanted to catch Prof. Mackey's eye. My plan to stand out relied more on my ability to impress him with answers to his questions on the reading material. It didn't quite work as planned, however, on that first day, because I had read the wrong assignment over the break.
During the next class, my plan worked much better, as I had taken care to read exactly what was expected. I even visited some online teaching sites to get an idea of the questions he might ask about it, and prepared answers that I thought were brilliant.
That day I garnered a much treasured "excellent answer, Ms. Nielsen" from my heartthrob. I’d been looking for an opening like it. After class, I joined the gaggle of groupies that surrounded him as he packed up his briefcase. I had no idea what they usually said to him, so I intended to hang back and listen to the other girls, but when I got there, Prof. Mackey was doing the talking. He seemed to be flirting with all of us at once. God, up close he was even more gorgeous. His eyes, which I hadn't been able to see before, were green with flecks of gold in them. With his Byron-esque hair, those eyes did things to my body that I knew were sinful. Paralyzed, I couldn't say a word.
"Ms. Nielsen," he said, "I was very impressed by your analysis today. You seem to have a real feel for this era. I appreciate your contributions in class."
If he had told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and that he wanted to tear off my clothes and ravish me, I couldn't have been more pleased. Even though that was exactly what I wanted. I could feel myself beginning to blush and the more I blushed the more embarrassed I got. To my horror, I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just grinned. Prof. Mackey grinned back and said, "Oh, I've embarrassed you, I'm sorry."
"Oh no,” I said, “thank you for the compliment." Geez, what lame thing was going to come out of my mouth next? I figured I'd better quit while I was ahead and turned to go. Prof. Mackey stopped me.
"Would you like to get a coffee?" he asked. The other girls looked daggers at me as my stomach did a flip.
"I'd love to!" I said.
"Well then," he said, "let's go." To the other girls, he said, "See you next class, girls." For all that it was a pleasant thing to say, it was clearly a brush off. I couldn't help but feel pleased that he had singled me out.
Over coffee, Prof. Mackey asked me to call him Justin and began calling me Janey. He told me he had been watching me in class. "It's a real pleasure to see a student who is genuinely interested in my subject," he said.
"It's my favorite," I admitted.
"Really? And why is that?"
I almost panicked. It took me about half a second to realize that I shouldn't tell him the real reason, because of the themes of alienation and self-examination. That I related to those themes, never more so than here at college. I didn't fit into modern time, and yet, I longed to break away from where I did fit in. Instead, I gave him some lame answer about loving the stories, and appreciating the modern language. That raised his eyebrows.
He knew it was a lie, I could tell from his expression, and I knew it was bullshit, but neither of us said so. He didn't give any indication of why he thought I would lie, just started asking me about myself. When I told him I was a freshman and eighteen, almost nineteen, it raised his eyebrows again.
"What are you doing in a sophomore class?" He asked.
Once again, I didn't know whether my special privilege of testing out of the English survey class was unusual or not. This time I wasn't talking to a student, so I decided it was okay to tell him. "I made arrangements to test out of the freshman survey class," I said, "so that I could make more productive use of my time."
"That's very impressive." He smiled. "That's a lot of material to be familiar with as a freshman, not to mention being able to pass the test."
"I keep getting that question," I said, "and I've been wondering if it was some special privilege that I shouldn't mention."
"No, not really," he answered. "It's just that there aren't that many students who seek it, and even fewer who can pass the test."
I was so pleased that I preened a little. I tossed the tresses that had crept over my shoulder back behind it, and noticed that Justin's eyes went straight to my chest. Then they widened. As soon as he noticed that my eyes were on his he lifted them correctly to my face.
"I'd like
to get to know you a little better," he said. "Could I take you to lunch on Friday?"
Hadn't I dreamed of this for weeks? Absolutely he could take me to lunch on Friday! Only Rihanna’s concern and Charity's caution kept me from jumping in glee. Instead, I lowered my eyes demurely.
"I'd like that," I said.
~~~
On Friday, I dressed carefully to look a little older and was flattered when Justin's eyes lit up at the sight of me. He took me off campus to a nice restaurant in downtown Salt Lake and we talked so long over the food that I missed my math class. I felt a little guilty about it, but on the other hand, it was math. If I had to miss a class, that was the one to miss. Justin dropped me off near the building for my music class later in the afternoon.
"See you Monday," he said.
At Monday's class, I deliberately didn't join the groupies. To my delight, Justin left his desk area and came back to mine, trailing the girls like a mother duck her ducklings.
"Coffee?" he asked.
"Sure," I said. I didn't want to seem too eager. Not for him, and not for the listening girls who already hated me. Coffee after English class became a habit for Justin and me, but the other girls still didn't give up. I asked him once whether his career was in jeopardy if he seemed to be showing me too much attention, but he just laughed.
"I can't imagine anything more innocent than having coffee with a student," he said, "especially one as bright as you, and as talented in my subject." I relaxed then.
Even though we seem to be becoming friends of a sort, and a lot of our conversation was about the material he was teaching, familiarity did not decrease the sensual thrill I felt in his presence. Though his looks had attracted me first, I now reveled in the sound of his voice, even in his scent, a combination of clean male and woodsy cologne that was unique to him. After our coffee, I often left the student union confused by the physical sensations being close to him caused me. Never before had a boy set my blood singing like that, and certainly not my ex-husband, who showed me no affection at all.
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