~~~
I didn't have long to wait before I found out. While I was eating breakfast at the Student Union, I got a text from Ri that she was moving out of our room and in with one of the gang, whose original roommate had quit school and gone home. I'd expected Ri to be mad, but this wasn't something I'd ever considered, that she would move out and leave me alone. While I was still trying to absorb that, which felt like a kick in the stomach, another text came in that she would be there at eleven to pick up her stuff, and she'd appreciate it if I weren't there at the time.
I went cold and felt dizzy, then my stomach reacted and I fled to the ladies' room to throw up. My entire social support system, except for Alicia, revolved around Rihanna. Her friends accepted me as one of the gang because of her. She was my touchstone, my gauge of whether I was fitting in, my best friend. I'd known that when it came to choosing sides, she would choose Drew's. The reality was so much worse than I'd thought, though. Panic filled me. Only the knowledge that Russ would be terribly disappointed kept me from getting in my car and running to the ranch immediately. I didn't know what else to do.
Eleven o'clock found me at the library, pretending to study. In truth, I was staring at nothing and imagining Ri and some of her friends packing up her side of the dorm room, trying to visualize what it would look like when I got back. Everything interesting, on the walls, on the desk, even on the floor, was hers. I had nothing but my frilly pink bedclothes and a few matching pillows. I couldn't imagine hanging out there alone.
By happy coincidence, Alicia passed by during one of the few times I was looking up and focused on what was in front of me. I called her name, and she turned, startled.
"Oh, Janey, you gave me a shock," she said. "How's it going?"
"It's been better," I said, with massive understatement.
"Want to get lunch and talk about it?"
"I'd love lunch, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it."
"Whatever. Are you done here?"
"Yeah, let's go."
Alicia had some books to check out, but we were soon on our way, walking companionably but without speaking. At lunch, Alicia carried the conversation, chattering about her classes, a boy she was dating and when spring would finally show up, though no one in Utah expected spring before April and it was still late February. I answered just enough to be polite, until Alicia put down her fork and leaned over to put her hand on my arm.
"Janey, you're scaring me. Something's wrong, what is it?" I'd been thinking that maybe confiding in a friend who might be on my side would make me feel better, after all.
"I've pretty much fucked up everything in my life," I said, with a little more drama than was required. 'My roommate is moving out as we speak, and you're the only friend I've got left, so thanks for being here."
"Oh, honey, what happened?" Alicia's frown of sympathy and caring tone of voice was enough to open the dam.
"Let's see, I manipulated my friend into having sex, sort of, when I knew he was being celibate for a reason. Then I let that son-of-a-bitch Mackey manipulate me into a booty call. I tried to set the record straight with my friend, who thought he was my boyfriend, and hurt him badly. Since my roommate is his best friend, she hates me now and is moving out. I want to die, or at least run away. That's about it."
"Wow, when you create drama, you really do a bang-up job!" she replied, providing some comic relief. I couldn't help but laugh at her admiring tone.
"You know me," I joked, "nothing but an all-out effort will do."
"So, let's back up. Talk about what 'having sex, sort of' means."
"Ugh, do you really want the ugly details?"
"Damn straight I do. If I'm going to help, I need all of it."
"Crap. All right, it means that on Valentine's Day, we had this amazing date in California, complete with moonlit kisses on the beach and everything. Ri was with me, so I figured that when we got back to the hotel we'd be safe. Did I mention it was him who wanted to be celibate?"
"Yeah, tell me about that. What the hell?"
"Basketball. Listen, you can't breathe a word of this to anyone, Alicia."
"Hey, if I'm going to be your bestie now, call me Ali, or Al."
"Promise you'll keep this quiet, Ali," I said.
"Okay, I promise. What's the big deal?"
"Andrew Craig."
"The Utes point guard? That Andrew Craig?" she squealed. "You're dating him?"
"Was. He's my roommates best friend, from like, before they were born. She's fiercely loyal to him, and I hurt him, so we're on the outs."
"Shit, girl, he's seriously hot. So you sort of had sex, and for some reason he wasn't down with it. Why?"
"He told me he couldn't afford the distraction. He's hoping the NBA will want him, and he just felt that if we were doing the nasty, he'd have his mind on me instead of the game, and that scouts would pick it up and write him off. I just went along with it, because, you know. I was crushing on Mackey."
"So what changed?"
"My roommate hooked up with someone that night and left a message that she wouldn't be there. So, I begged him to come up to the room, and one thing led to another. But, he didn't have a condom, and neither did I. So, he, um, went down on me."
"Oh, my God! How was that?"
"Divine," I said, smiling as I remembered. "But I couldn't leave him with blue balls, so I did it for him, too."
"Girl, you are not the innocent angel you appear to be! Did he come?"
"Yes, and then he told me he loved me. I freaked out. Made him get out, didn't tell him why. Until last night, he thought it was because of, you know."
"You mean?"
"Yeah. He came in my mouth, and he thought I was disgusted."
"You weren't?"
"No. And I don't want to say anything more about that, please."
"Okay," she said, looking at me dubiously. "Couldn't you just tell him it was okay?"
"Well, I did. But, Ali, I felt so bad, letting him think I felt the same way about him as he did about me, when all the time he loved me. I mean, I don't love him. I was just hoping to have a fuck buddy to help me forget about Justin, only it didn't work out that way, and we got to be friends. At least, I thought we were friends. Shit, it's such a mess!"
"Yeah, I can see that. So what's this about Mackey and a booty call?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, that was just stupid. He caught me in here and made himself at home at my table, and we bantered back and forth a little. Long story short, I agreed to go to dinner with him again, but told him I wouldn't go home with him. So, he took me to Snowbird for dinner." I stopped, thinking she'd get it.
"So?"
"Did I fail to mention that this was day before yesterday?"
"Oh, shit, that avalanche closed the road. You were stuck up there?"
"Yeah, and the only room available had a king-sized bed, so we had to sleep together. One thing led to another…"
"Girl, this one thing leading to another happens to you way too often."
"I know," I wailed.
"So what are you going to do now?" she asked.
"Swear off men?" I asked.
"Nah, I don't think that's going to work. You like 'em too much," she observed, with no malice intended. "You're going to have to play the field. Date other guys. Don't tell me no one hits on you, you're gorgeous."
"No, they do, but I've just never been interested."
"Well, get interested. Just don't get serious. Go out with anyone that asks you, sleep with whoever you want to and try to forget all this heavy stuff. You're what, eighteen? No need to settle down with one guy yet."
"Nineteen," I corrected her automatically. I'd turned nineteen in the fall, but hadn't said anything so there was no fanfare. "You can't seriously be telling me to sleep around. Wouldn't that make me easy or something?"
"Old-fashioned concept. But suit yourself. If you don't want to, don't. If you do, do. Carry condoms in your purse, for heaven's sake."
"No worries. After Valen
tine's Day, I bought a box and stuffed some in my purse."
"Too bad you didn't think about it beforehand. Hey, want to catch a movie tonight?"
"I'd be up for a matinee. I can't go back to the dorm until I'm sure Ri is finished moving out."
"Let's go, then!" At least I still had Alicia, and she was a little older. I figured I had some growing-up to do; maybe she could help me keep my head on straight.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
After my afternoon with Alicia, I felt a little better. I did have one friend, still, and we were getting to be better friends. That was good, I thought. I wasn’t so dependent on Rihanna anymore, at least.
I sent Ri a text in the evening saying I was sorry she'd decided to move out, and she'd be welcome back if she changed her mind, and wished her a good week. She didn't answer.
A false spring took over that next week, almost balmy weather for February, melting the remaining snow from last Friday's storm, and coaxing the hyacinths into blooming. The campus gardeners were busy planting pansies, birds were singing, and the world felt fresh and new, putting me in a better mood than I'd been in since my California trip.
I put on a spring dress and sweater, since it was still a little cool, just warm for February. My smile and the spring in my step must have been noticeable, or maybe the boys had spring fever, too. After my first class, a boy I'd been talking to all semester shyly asked if I'd go out with him. Remembering Alicia's advice, I accepted, and we agreed to meet for pizza that evening. It briefly crossed my mind that I might run into Ri or one of her peeps at The Pie, but I decided I couldn't avoid all my favorite places just because they were also Ri's favorites. She'd just have to deal with it. On the other hand, maybe I would.
Cam was the first boy to ask me out, but since it had happened within hours of Alicia's dictum, I figured there'd be more. That meant there was no pressure; I could just be myself. We laughed, talked about class and explored whether we had any interests in common. It turned out the main one was that he was an avid basketball fan. Go figure.
Somehow, I managed to hold my own in the conversation that followed, which featured heavy speculation whether Andrew Craig would be back next year or whether he'd take the opportunity if pro scouts approached him to enter the draft. I had to pretend I didn't know the answer already. He would.
Tuesday was no different, except that it was a different boy. I demurred when he asked me to get a pizza with him. Ri might be able to live on the stuff, but I couldn't. I was craving some real food. We settled on an Italian restaurant, where he could get a pizza and I could get salad and pasta. This boy was from my English Lit class, so we had plenty to talk about. Afterward, he walked me to the dorm and made a move to kiss me. Holding him back with one hand, I shook my head.
"Too soon," I explained. He shrugged and left without making plans to see me again.
By Friday, I'd had five dates with five different boys, and it was always the same. They bought me dinner, they talked some, and they walked me home to the dorm and made a move. On Friday, it became a wrestling match as the guy I was with insisted on kissing me despite my objection. I fought him to a standstill, but he kept his arms around me as he sneered.
"Too good for me, huh? You put out to the rest, what's wrong with me?"
"What?" I gasped, unable to believe my ears. "What are you talking about?"
"Jesus, Janey, don't play dumb with me. Everybody knows you were doing it with Mackey, why do you think you're getting so much attention? I talked to Cam after he went out with you. He says you're a pretty good lay. How about showing me some of that, huh?"
I was speechless. My fling with Justin, the part that was public knowledge at least, was months old. Why was I suddenly a target, and why would Cam have lied about me? One thing was certain, my acceptance of dates with different boys every night had backfired, big time. I didn't expect the current date to believe me, but I had to try.
"That's a lie. I haven't 'put out' as you so crudely described it, to anyone. Get your hands off me before I scream."
"That's your story, is it? Well, have it your way. But, you can't deny you were getting it on with Mackey. You were seen."
Despite my fury, I had to know what he was talking about. "Seen? When? Where?"
"Last Friday, at Snowbird. Me and my buddies were up there for the weekend. We saw you come out of the room with him that morning."
That, I couldn't deny. It was all the more infuriating that I hadn't gone there of my own free will but had allowed Justin sexual liberties anyway. I couldn't, wouldn't explain it to this jerk, and saying nothing would probably give him license to lie about me as well. The only thing I could do, once I extricated myself from his arms, was stay silent and follow my first plan; swear off men. They were nothing but trouble, either pigs or too vulnerable. I was done.
You'd think that in a student body of almost twenty-five thousand, there would be some privacy; that only a handful of people would know you or care what you did. I discovered the following week, though, that it was like any small town. People I didn't even know dropped their heads together and started whispering when I passed. Boys sent catcalls my way. Girls looked at me with disgust, envy or laughter, depending on how they felt about my behavior. With just this week to go before Spring Break, I put my head down and tried to ignore it all.
Alicia was contrite at our morning coffee klatch. "I can't believe this! Why are you a target? No one cares, or they shouldn't!"
"I don't know, Ali, but I'm just going to get through it. Everyone will go on Spring Break, and when we get back, they'll have forgotten about it."
"I hope so," she said.
At noon, she was back with news, indignant. "I found out what's going on. Did you know your ex-roommate is busy spreading all sorts of rumors about you? She's told people about your affair with Mackey, and she's making up these really wild tales. Like, you have a baby, and you were part of a polygamist cult."
My stomach dropped and I literally felt the blood drain from my face. Staring at Alicia, I started to shake, and that's when she noticed.
"Janey, what is it? You look like you've seen a ghost. Oh, my God, your lips are turning blue! Say something!" Alicia got up and took me by the upper arms to shake me, but everything was fading. The last thing I saw was her face, her mouth a perfect O. Then the world went away.
~~~
When I came back to myself, I didn't know where I was. I was lying in a narrow bed, with an antiseptic smell all around me, in a room brightly lit with white light. For a moment, I tried to puzzle out what had happened, and the memory of Alicia's frightened face came back to me. I'd fainted! What in the world…wait. Now I remembered. Alicia was telling me that Ri had betrayed my confidences. My secrets were being gossiped about all over campus. My worst nightmare, come true.
What was I going to do? Go back to the ranch and refuse to come back? I started shaking again and tears formed in my eyes. A few minutes later, a nurse came to check on me. "Well, young lady, you gave your friend quite a scare. Do you know why you passed out?"
I nodded. "I had a shock," I said, shocked again at how weak my voice sounded. I tried again. "My friend told me something that shocked me," I clarified. My voice sounded stronger and I was pleased.
"Are you sure you aren't pregnant?" she said. Where had that come from?
"Reasonably sure. Why?" I asked.
"The majority of cases that come in here like you did are pregnant. We need to give you a test."
"I'm not pregnant. It's impossible."
"You'd be surprised how many pregnant women say that. Let's just make sure, shall we?"
"Fine," I snapped, defeated.
Fifteen minutes later, with a negative pregnancy test behind me and Alicia, who'd waited for me for over two hours, beside me, I strode out of the student health center more angry than I'd ever been in my life. I stopped abruptly. Alicia deserved the truth; she was a better friend than I'd been.
"Alicia, those weren't lies. I have a three-ye
ar-old daughter, named Grace. I love her with all my heart, but she is the daughter of the deposed Prophet of the Reformed Apostles of the Latter Day Saints. Do you know who they are?"
Alicia's blue eyes nearly popping out of her white face, she stammered, "Th-the polygamist cult?"
"Yes. I grew up in it; I don't belong to them anymore. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not, or trying not to be someone I am. I was fifteen when I was married against my will to that spawn of the devil. I'm a victim, not a willing participant. That ends today. I refuse to live my life as a victim. The next time you hear that rumor, send them to me."
"Oh, okay," she said, suddenly seeming younger than I, not older. It was as if a switch had been turned on in my head. I was no longer someone who relied on other people to teach me how to act, how to dress, how to talk. I was a mother, a college student and a nineteen-year-old, in that order. Motherhood trumped everything; I was more mature than most of my classmates, because I was responsible for a little girl who depended on me for everything. Well, truthfully, she was dependent on Russ, but that's why I was here; to learn to do something that would support her. Not teenaged shenanigans, not sex, not friends, basketball or anything else. To learn. Period.
"I'm starved," I complained. "Didn't we eat?"
"No," Ali responded. "You fainted, remember?"
"I owe you lunch," I smiled. "Let's go get it."
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It never rains but it pours. Alicia and I were sitting in the Student Union, in retrospect a poor choice, having our belated lunch, or perhaps early dinner would have been a better description. I was still in shock that my life had become a public spectacle, my worst nightmare.
Alicia helped in talking it out, and I realized there was an upside. I could be myself, no more guarding my words and hiding the fact of my daughter. I was happily describing her cute toddler ways to Ali when I looked up and froze in shock.
Justin was bearing down on us, just feet behind Alicia, and he looked like a thundercloud. Now what? As he arrived at Alicia's elbow, he took the offensive.
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