"That depends, Janey. In the first place, have you changed your mind about going back to school in the fall?"
"Not really, I was just thinking ahead to when I do go back to school."
"You do seem to have a knack for this," he said. "I guess your question means you find it interesting, as well." It occurred to me that Russ was very perceptive, most people would have assumed I was only interested because of the large sums of money that could be made, and to be truthful that was part of it. Nevertheless, I really did find it fascinating that a few minor adjustments in analysis and decision-making on the part of the business owners who had previously been failing could turn a business around so profoundly, and so quickly. It was like watching Russ perform magic tricks, and I wanted to know how they were done.
"You have no idea," I said. "Seeing what you can do with the business that's failing is better than watching a movie or going to a circus."
"I'll take that as a compliment, I think," he laughed. "Better than reading a good book?"
"I wouldn't go that far," I teased.
We were laughing together over that exchange when Amber came to Russ's door.
"Sorry to interrupt. Janey, you have a guest."
Curious, I sobered at once. I wasn't expecting anyone, who could it be? "Who is it?" I asked.
"He said you'd know him, but he didn't give his name."
Now, I was alarmed. It could be anyone. What if it were Justin? I asked Russ to accompany me to the front door, feeling his large presence would offer me some security.
I could not have been more surprised if Santa Claus had dropped in. Just inside the vestibule, stood Drew. Being away from him for a few weeks had made me forget his imposing figure. On the other hand, perhaps he had put on weight. His six-foot six frame seemed more heavily muscled than I remembered. That he was wearing camp shorts and a tight T-shirt added to the impression. The other surprise was the visceral reaction I had to the sight of him.
At the sight of Russ with me, Drew's stance changed subtly, as if he were coiling for action. Not defensive, nor aggressive, it still gave me the impression of a magnificent animal getting ready to defend its territory.
There was no question that Russ had the same impression. Without even looking at him, I knew he had drawn himself up to his full height and was ready to bristle with menace at the slightest hint that this unexpected guest was also unwelcome. I knew instinctively that I must act to avoid an unfortunate incident.
"Drew!" I cried in a glad voice. I rushed to him and he immediately enveloped me in a bear hug. Knowing that Russ would have relaxed, I kept my eyes on Drew. "What are you doing here? How did you find us? Why didn't you call?"
"Wait, wait. One question at a time," he laughed. "I came to see you, of course. Ri told me how to find you. I didn't call because I was afraid to tell me not to come."
I quickly glanced over my shoulder, to see what the last sentence had done to Russ's attitude. He only looked curious, but he wasn't leaving, nor was Amber. This was going to play out in public, whether I liked it or not.
"Well, now that you're here, come in. Can you stay for dinner? How long are you here for? Where are you staying?"
"Janey, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were glad to see me. Yes, if I'm welcome, I can stay for dinner. How long I'm here for depends on you. And I guess I'll get a hotel in town."
"Janey, would you like to invite your guest to stay here?" Russ asked. Of all the awkward questions, I didn't expect that. Russ had put me in a terrible position. If I said yes, it might give Drew the wrong impression. It was impossible to say no, which would've been unconscionably rude. Amber saved me.
"Of course she would. Janey, aren't you going to introduce your friend to us?"
I was relieved to have the matter taken out of my hands, but still in a bit of a dither. "Oh, of course. Amber, I'd like you to meet Andrew Craig. Drew, you've heard me speak of my guardian, Russ White. Russ, Drew is the star of the Runnin' Utes basketball team." This jumbled introduction made everyone start talking at once, and then fall silent to allow someone else to speak.
"Point guard?" Russ asked.
"You've seen our games?" Drew responded.
"Mostly when they're playing the Cowboys," Russ said, referring to the University of Wyoming team. "I was going more by your size." Amber and I were forgotten as Russ and Drew began talking basketball at a level that neither of us could follow, though I tried. After all, I was a basketball fan too, just not as well educated about the game as Russ was.
"Did you play basketball, sir?" Drew asked. Russ shot him a rueful look.
"No, I had no athletic ability whatsoever. But, if you call me sir again, I might have to see which of us is the better wrestler. I'm Russ, and I take it you're Drew?"
"Yes, s… Russ. Thanks for inviting me to stay."
Russ and Drew were getting along so well, that I couldn't help feeling a little left out. I didn't understand it. This was the last place in the world I would've expected to see Drew, but I was unaccountably happy he was there. On the other hand, he was virtually ignoring me, to get acquainted with Russ. Was that good or bad? At least we weren't embroiled in a heated discussion about the future of our relationship. It must be good.
It turned out that Drew had planned to stay for only a couple of days, unsure of his welcome. Russ insisted I take the next day off to visit with him, so it appeared we would be discussing the future of our relationship after all. I did my best to deflect it.
Of course, Drew met Gracie at dinner the night he arrived. He was charmed, and she was star struck. From her vantage point, Drew was a giant. But, the moment he picked her up and engaged her in conversation, she was his. I knew he had five younger brothers and sisters, and now I wondered how old the youngest were. We had talked more about their poverty, and his determination to alleviate it, than about who his brothers and sisters were as individuals.
The next day, over Gracie's strenuous objections, I left her with Amber, and took Drew to the barn to see if we could find a horse that would suit him as a beginner. I wanted to ride far enough away from the house that there would be no chance of anyone overhearing us. Drew was rather comical in the barn. He wasn't exactly afraid of the horses, but, as he said, he had a healthy respect for them. I laughed at him, selected the oldest and gentlest mare that was big enough to carry his weight, and saddled up for him. Just so I could keep the upper hand, I picked out a young stallion for myself. Normally I would've picked the gelding, but I felt the need to show off.
We must have looked incongruous, big Drew on the shorter mare, while I sat tall atop the big stallion. Drew was paying more attention to not falling off the horse than to how we looked, though. Gradually, as we walked sedately away from the barn, he began to be more comfortable, until I allowed the stallion to break into a canter. I took pity on him when I looked back and saw that he was holding on with grim determination and a look of terror on his face. It was only then that I realized I was risking his next season if he fell off. I brought my horse to a stop and waited for them to catch up.
"Thanks," he said, a little breathlessly. "Can we get off and walk for a while?"
I knew this was the decisive moment; that he wanted to talk. There was no point in delaying it further, but I had no idea what I was going to say.
"Janey," he said, moving closer. "I've missed you. Do you think, I mean would it be possible even, for us to start over?"
"Start over…" I repeated. "What do you mean, exactly?"
"Can we pretend that nothing ever happened between us? Start over, as in, pretend we just met?"
I considered it. Could I forget? I doubted it. I thought I might be able to pretend. That begged the larger question, though. What difference would it make, if I didn't return to school? Drew wouldn't have time to come out and visit me at the ranch during the school year, so what were we really talking about?
"Drew, what do you want from me? Are we going to be friends, or were you thinking girlfriend?"
Maybe it was too direct a question. He turned and walked away from me a few feet, his head down. I waited.
"Janey, I can't stop thinking about you. It's not just because you're beautiful, though you are. It's because we enjoy the same kind of books, because you've learned to love basketball, because we have fun together." By then, he was close to me, and he reached to take me into his arms. I went willingly. With one arm wrapped around my waist, he pushed the fingers of his other hand into my hair, and tugged, bending me over his arm for a kiss. And, what a kiss!
Under the blue Wyoming sky, with the early morning sun warming us, we stood entwined, tall in the flat meadow like a sentinel. His lips moved on mine, then his tongue sought mine, and an eternity passed as he showed me exactly what he wanted from me. When at last he broke it off, I was breathless and more aroused than I had been in months.
"Drew," I breathed. "I don't know if this is a good idea."
"And yet, you kissed me back."
"I can't deny that I react to you physically," I tried to explain. "But, I don't know if it's fair to you. I've been so confused, about my feelings, about my motives…"
"Stop thinking, then, and just let your heart guide you." The hope and anguish on Drew's face touched me, making me want to be able to love him. Could I let myself become lost in pleasure with him again, only to realize that it was lust, not love that drove my reaction to him? I still felt unworthy of his feelings for me.
"Can you give me some time? I need to think about this."
"No, Janey, that's the problem. You need to stop thinking and just feel."
“What if I hurt you again? I couldn't bear it."
"Do you hear yourself? You care for me, or you wouldn't worry about hurting me."
Once or twice before in my life, I'd experienced a profound shift in the way that I saw the world. Now it happened again, as if I'd entered an alternate universe, one in which I was worthy of love after all. I looked at Drew curiously, my senses alert. When had the brisk Wyoming breeze started? Why was the sky a deeper blue? And, how could I have denied what I felt for the man before me? A curious sensation flooded my body, the need to run and jump. I couldn't resist it. Catching Drew’s hand, I laughed aloud and began to run across the arid fields. Drew ran with me, no doubt assuming I'd lost my mind. When I was out of breath, I stopped abruptly, turned to him and threw my arms around him.
"Kiss me," I demanded.
Drew pulled me to the ground with him and held me tight as he obeyed my command. We were lost in the moment for a long time, but when I felt his erection pressing into me, I came to my senses. The hard packed Wyoming dirt was no place for a romantic tryst.
"Drew, wait. We can't do this here."
"Why not? There's no one to see."
"Believe me, I want it as much as you do, but we’ll both end up covered in bruises if we don't find somewhere softer to lie." For the first time, Drew looked around in bewilderment.
"Oh, I guess you're right. I didn't notice." With that remarkable pronouncement, he gave me a grin of pure delight. I matched it and punched him lightly on the arm.
"Sure, you didn't. That's because you had something soft to cushion you. Me."
We got up from where we lay, brushed ourselves off and had a good laugh at our own expense.
"I can't wait to get you in bed," he whispered. "Should I get a hotel for tonight?"
"Don't bother. No one will mind if I come to your room. Let's just enjoy the rest of the day, and after I put Gracie to bed, I'll come to you. You do have condoms this time," I asked. He gave me a sheepish look.
"I do. You have to know I had hope."
~~~
For the rest of the day, I was on pins and needles. Every time I managed to calm myself down, and interact with others as if nothing were afoot, a jolt of adrenaline would hit me, and I'd flush. I felt as if I were under a spotlight, and that no one could fail to notice my bizarre behavior. No one mentioned it, though, not even Amber, who was prone to blurting out whatever she thought without filters.
The only one who noticed my agitation was Gracie. She kept asking, "Are you okay mommy?"
"Yes, sweetheart. Mommy's fine." With the uncanny ability of a child to notice emotion, Gracie wasn't satisfied with my answer. I would feel her eyes on me, and look over to see her sweet face scrunched up in a puzzled frown. Of course, I couldn't tell her what was wrong. She was far too young to understand, so I just gave her extra hugs all day, and hoped she'd be able to go to sleep at bedtime. Naturally, my anxiety over that meant an uncharacteristic tantrum when it was time for her to go to sleep.
Thinking to calm us both, I took her into my lap in the rocking chair where I'd rocked her as a baby. Her legs were so long now that they dangled dangerously close to the rockers. I gathered her closer to me, pulling her knees up around my waist. Singing lullabies to her until I felt her weight settle into me, I knew that she was sound asleep. Now the trick would be to get her in bed without waking her. I was contemplating how I was going to get out of the chair with her when Drew appeared in the doorway, a question on his face.
As soon as he saw us in the rocking chair, his face cleared. He came over and held out his arms as if to ask whether he should take Gracie. I nodded, and he slipped his arms around her, transferring her from my arms to his in a smooth motion. He looked around, saw her little bed, and placed her in it tenderly. I watched, charmed, as he bent to kiss her forehead and pulled the blankets up over her shoulder.
He came and pulled me out of the rocker by the hand, whispering that if I needed to stay with her, he'd understand. I shook my head.
"She's fine," I whispered. I turned on the baby monitor and picked up the receiver to take with me. Hand-in-hand, Drew and I crept down the hall to his room. As we went, I told myself again and again, 'starting over, starting over'.
~~~
Despite my anticipation, and Drew’s obvious eagerness, I was shy with him. All the months of flirtation and denial, the frustrating encounter we’d had on Valentine's Day, and the weeks of misunderstanding afterward, stood between us. I forgot my resolve to pretend if I couldn't forget what was between us, and shook with dread that I would do or say something to ruin this moment.
Drew could tell that something was not right. When we got to his room, he held me for a moment, kissing the top of my head before saying we didn't have to do anything if I was uncomfortable. I asked if it would be okay if we just cuddled for a while. Drew patiently removed his shoes and went to lie on top of the coverlet, patting the bed beside him in invitation. I slipped off my sandals, and climbed up beside him, snuggling into his arms. A feeling of peace was my immediate reward. Lying in his arms, both of us still and quiet, I had time to think, but no need to. Instead, I followed his earlier instruction and simply allowed myself to feel.
Drew’s warmth surrounded me, and his spicy scent drove a sense memory of all those passionate kisses under the trees outside the dorm. Almost without volition, I tilted my head back in an invitation for him to kiss me. His arms tightened and his lips descended upon mine. That was all it took for me to relax in sweet surrender. Drew explored my mouth with his tongue, dancing with mine, before withdrawing to nuzzle along my jaw line and behind my ear. His hand swept my hair back from my face, and, opening my eyes, I could see that he was gazing at me with a powerful emotion in his eyes. Was it love? I thought so. I wondered if my eyes held the same light.
"Drew," I breathed.
"Shh," he answered softly, "just feel." His hand drifted from my hair to cup my cheek, and then, trailing his fingertips enticingly along the skin of my neck, moved to my breast. My breath caught in my throat and my nipple responded, growing erect under his palm. I still hadn't turned my thoughts off, but now they drifted lazily as he nuzzled into my neck and squeezed my breast before reaching to untie the shoulder strap that held up my sundress.
With the strap untied, his hand grazed over my breast again, this time pushing the thin cotton fabric out of the way so that my sensitive skin
could feel each infinitesimal movement of his hand. I moaned softly as he used his thumb and finger to lightly pinch my erect nipple and roll it between them. He rolled slightly away from me, the better to untie the other strap and bare both breasts to his gaze. My wanton nipples stood for his attention, begging for his touch.
With his hand again on one breast, Drew dipped his head and took the other nipple into his lips gently, flicking with his tongue and alternately sucking delicately. I would have been happy for this to go on for hours, but wave after wave of sensation made me understand that there was so much more pleasure on the way. I wanted to share what I was feeling with Drew.
I pushed him back and started to unsnap his Western-style shirt, worn no doubt in honor of being on a ranch. I laughed with delight as I realized I could use both hands to rip it open without harm, and promptly did so, causing Drew to chuckle and ask if I was sure I wanted this. I nipped his bare chest and licked one flat disc, which shriveled in response, though the little nipple turned hard.
Drew shrugged out of his shirt and returned to his task, holding me flat on my back with both hands above my head, captured by his. I was bucking against him and gasping with need before he let me go and pulled my dress the rest of the way down my body, baring the thong that I'd saved for a rainy day after all. I still thought they were tortuous, but the sight of it inflamed Drew, who bent immediately to kiss my lower belly right above it.
I pushed at him, wanting his jeans off, too, and whatever underwear might be under them. All I could think of was grasping his manhood, feeling its weight in my hand once again. Both of us fought for the upper hand for a minute, before I, succumbing to his superior strength, fell back with a groan of frustration, only to gasp as his lips blew hot breath onto my most sensitive area through the lace of the thong. With his fingers, he pulled it to one side and left the way clear for his tongue to explore.
"Omigod," I muttered, lost in sensation so pleasurable that I thought I'd convulse right then. I pushed my mound into his face, seeking contact between his tongue and the button that would set off the explosion.
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