Great One: Have you made the correction?
Ro-Man: I need guidance, Great One. For the first time in my life, I am not sure.
Great One: You sound like a hu-man, not a Ro-Man. Can you not verify a fact?
Ro-Man: I meshed my LPI with the viewscreen auditor, and picked up a count of five.
Great One: Error! Error! There are eight!
Ro-Man: Then the other three still elude me. And all escape detection by the directional bearer. Is it possible they have a counterpower?
Robot Monster, 1953
On Military Speculation, Great Moments in:
Could it fly?
Military fellow wondering about the 500-foot-wingspanned pterodactyl known as Rodan, 1957
On Miracles of the Ages, Wonderful:
The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
Ad for 3-D movie about railway construction in Africa, Bwana Devil, 1952
On Moments, Bad:
A head without a body! A head that should be in its grave! Let me die! Let me die!
Virginia Leith, Jan the mad scientist’s decapitated fiancée, in The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, 1962
On Moms, Hungry:
Girlfriend: Your mother ate my dog.
Boyfriend: Not all of it.
Girlfriend (Diana Peñalver) to boyfriend (Timothy Balme) whose mother has been bitten by Sumatran rat monkeys and has got a craving for undead flesh in Dead Alive, 1992 (also known as Braindead)
On Moms, Indisputable Facts About:
You can’t be no mother, Peewee! Mothers is female!
Soldiers discussing the mother that the orphan boy Dondi needs in Dondi, 1961
On Moms, Worries for:
I am not losing my daughter to a nine-hundred-year-old goat’s head!
Mom (Denise Crosby), defending her daughter who is possessed by Mexican demons in Dolly Dearest, 1992
On Monkey Scientists, Incorruptible:
Karen: Name your price.
Peter: I don’t have a price! I’m not a pound of sugar, I’m a primatologist!
Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney) trying to wangle a ride to Africa from Dr. Peter Elliott (Dylan Walsh) in Congo, 1995
On Monster Love:
Roxy: Dad, I can’t describe it, but I know something has happened to him. He’s a creature—why, you just have to look at him to see that! But I know, whatever he is, he’s a human being.
Mr. Miller: You just can’t get him out of your mind, huh?
Marilyn Manning and Arch Hall, Sr. (a.k.a. William Watters), discussing the monster man who had kidnapped her in Eegah!, 1962
On Monster Movie Dialogue, Snappy:
Reporter: Okay, let’s have the story on Lake Marsh and the monsters.
Police Chief: Monster, monster! There are no such thing as monsters. This is the twentieth century.
Reporter: Don’t count on it!
Loretta King and Harvey B. Dunne in Bride of the Monster, 1955
On Monster Movies, Intellectually Stimulating:
What you’re about to see may not even be possible within the narrow limits of the human mind.
Opening voice-over narration in Monster a-Go Go, 1965
On Monsters, Discovering the Super-Scientific Truth About:
Dr. Gavin: Of course! This creature needs the ordinary necessities of human life: proteins, fats, sugars, and so forth. But since his organs are so decomposed, it needs the only food which can keep it alive.
Assistant: Blood?
Dr. Gavin: Human blood. If a human body—a drowned person—were attacked by tiny sea plants which became parasites and completely infiltrated the human body before it had a chance to decompose, would the body be considered dead or alive?
Assistant: Dead?
Dr. Gavin: No! It’s still alive. But it’s changed into a—well, is it a plant or an animal?
Assistant: It’s both?
Dr. Gavin: It’s a giant protozoan!
Dr. Gavin (Allen Laurel) discovers the secret of the monsters in the movie billed as “The First Horror Monster Musical!,” The Horror of Party Beach, 1964
On Monsters, What to Say to:
Godzilla! Thanks a lot!
Young boy and hero, Ken, after Godzilla rids the planet of another enemy in Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster, 1972
On Moon Dates, What You Talk About:
Moon maiden: Do you have rock creatures on Earth?
Teenage astronaut: No. And if I was out with a pretty girl on Earth, I wouldn’t be talking about them, either.
Lovestruck space duo in Missile to the Moon, 1958
On Moses, Adorable:
Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!
Nefretiri (Anne Baxter) to Moses (Charlton Heston) in The Ten Commandments, 1956
On Moses, Body Odor and:
They may be your people, but do you have to wallow with them … smell like them?
Nefretiri (Anne Baxter) to Moses in The Ten Commandments, 1956
On Mother, Not Herself:
Aunt Patience: Mary! Mary! My sweet, sweet Mary! … Mary! You’re in black!
Mary: Yes.… Mother died three weeks ago.
Aunt Patience: How did it happen?
Mary: She hadn’t been well.… You know how mother was.
Maureen O’Hara as Mary and Marie Ney as Aunt Patience in Hitchcock’s Jamaica Inn, 1939
On Mottoes, Different:
If you don’t eat people, they’ll eat you.
Motto of cannibals from Cannibal Island in We Are Going to Eat You, 1980 (Hong Kong)
On Mouthing Off:
My mouth belongs where I put it!
Al Pacino as the embittered father of a Revolutionary War soldier in Revolution, 1985
On Movie Ads, Believable:
WARNING: This is John Austin Frazier. It has been reported that he now resides at a Mental Hospital, the result of attending our triple horror program. Because of this tragic event, we, the producers, have secured an insurance policy insuring the sanity of each and every patron. If you lose your mind as a result of viewing this explosion of terror, you will receive free psychiatric care or be placed at our expense in an asylum for the rest of your life!
Newspaper ad, showing a demented-looking man, for the movie triple bill Fangs of the Living Dead, 1968, Revenge of the Living Dead, 1972, and Curse of the Living Dead, 1966
On Movie Dialogue, Bizarre Pruny Rhymes and:
The Prince: If you leave, ya know what you are? You’re the prunes.
Buzz Cameo: Prunes? You’re the dunes.
The Prince: Yeah. You’re the real prunes.
Brooklyn thug leader the Prince (Norman Mailer) and a cohort in Mailer’s Wild 90, 1967
On Movies, Must-See:
They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
Ad for The Golden Mistress, 1954
On Movies, Ones You Should Go, Go, Go See:
Plucked from Today’s Beat! The Go! Go! Go! Generation! It’s Kicks, It’s Drags, It’s Tumult and Song!
Ad for The Beach Girls and the Monster, 1965
On Movies to Take the Kids to:
SEE rebel guerillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
Ad for Sweet and Savage, 1983
On Movies with It All:
LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
Ad for Intermezzo, 1939
On Ms.-taken Identity:
I’m just a man doing his own thing. Are you a woman or a Ms.?
Evel Knievel to Lauren Hutton in Viva Knievel!, 1977
On Mummies, Indisputable Facts About:
Save me from that mummy! It’s dead!
Zita Johann in The Mummy, 1932
On Murderers, Deep Thoughts About:
Murderers! They’re all alike. Society woul
d be better off without them!
Prison guard expressing his own opinion in Diary of a Madman, 1963
On Musicals Most Unlike The Sound of Music:
INCREDIBLE is the word for the world’s first monster musical! See in magnificent Eastman color—the DARING DANCING, enticing and horrifying—The INCREDIBLY Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!! Who is the woman branded in birth, wearing the wart of horror?
Promo, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, 1963
On Must-Haves, Governmental:
Dr. DeMarco has created a subservient zombie. That’s something my government must have!
Enemy agent (Tura Satana) trying to get the goods in Astro-Zombies, 1969
On Mutated Piranhas, How to Get Away from:
Swim, Ann! Don’t walk—swim!
Advice given to a girl in the water who is in imminent danger of being consumed by mutated flying piranha fish, by her friend in a boat in Piranha II: The Spawning, 1981
On My Fair Lady, Swingin’ Talk About:
That Higgins cat, the stuffy john who made a lady out of a piece of garbage.
Ann-Margret (Kelly) comparing girlie-magazine editor Tony Franciosa to her favorite Professor Higgins in the movie My Fair Lady in The Swinger, 1966
N
On Natives, Hip:
Real crazy. These footprints go in a circle. Maybe the natives here are getting on this rock ’n’ roll kick.
Oriental hip guy (Victor Sen Yung) when he and his buddies discover sinister footprints on the desert island they’re stranded on in She Demons, 1958
On Needs, Hermetically Sealed:
What you need is a canned woman.
Subtitle in John Woo’s To Hell with the Devil, 1982
On Neil Sedaka Songs, Ones That Never Hit the Charts for Some Reason:
See a bug walkin’ on the ground
He moves in a straight line
But the waterbug must have flipped his tug …
Neil Sedaka as Bob singin’ a song with J.B. and the Playboys in Playgirl Killer, 1969
On Neurotics, Typical:
Major’s wife: Cutting off her nipples with garden shears? You call that normal?
Colonel: Well, the doctors say she’s neurotic.
Army base conversation between Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Keith after Keith’s wife miscarries and then cuts off her nipples in Reflections in a Golden Eye, 1967
On Nicknames, Quite Good:
My nickname is “Iron Spade” spade the rubbish.
English subtitle, Rich & Famous, 1987
On Nipples, Buoyant:
I want my nipples to press, but I don’t want them to look like they’re levitating.
Showgirl in Showgirls, 1995
On Non Sequiturs, Great Moments in:
James: Your brother’s dead.
Nonnie (tearily): Did you like his music?
Red Buttons and Carol Lynley, having a conversation over her brother’s body in The Poseidon Adventure, 1972
On Nude Moon Women, Stupid Paper-Eating:
Earthman (in a very bad space suit, talking to a nude moon woman): Hello. I saw you on the throne before. You must be the queen. I’ve brought something for you. On Earth we call this candy.
[He gives her some candy in wax paper. She spits out the candy and eats the wrapper.]
Earthman: Ha, ha—ha, ha—ho, ho—You’re not supposed to eat the paper.
From Nude on the Moon, 1962
On Nuns in Miniskirts, What to Say to:
Flapper skirts on a bride of Christ! I don’t like undercover nuns.
Regis Toomey in the Elvis Presley—Mary Tyler Moore film Change of Habit, 1969
On Nurses, Bad Diagnostic Abilities of:
Every bone in his body must be broken, but I’m not sure that’s what killed him.
Nurse Ann Doran examining a returning astronaut and realizing Earthlings are in for trouble in It! The Terror from Beyond Space, 1958
On Nurses, Clean:
Thank you, Snoopy. I could kiss you but you’re not sterile.
Nurse thanking helpful reporter who has protected her reputation against scandal in Between Two Women, 1944
O
On Oh-So-Cute Lines:
You know something, Doctor? I’m not going to worry about overpopulation just yet.
Charter-boat captain (James Best), kissing the population scientist doctor’s daughter and Best’s bride-to-be in The Killer Shrews, 1959
On the Old Brainwash:
Catlett: If Olmstead is alive there is a chance the enemy may find ways to make him talk!
Tom: The old brainwash!
Catlett: Exactly.
George Cisar and John Agar as heroic jet flyboys during the Korean War in Jet Attack, 1958
On the Old Masters, Exasperatingly Indecisive:
Michelangelo, make up your mind, once and for all: Do you want to finish that ceiling?
The Agony and the Ecstasy, 1965, starring Charlton Heston as Michelangelo
On One for Each Eye:
See Jane Russell in 3-D; She’ll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
Ad for The French Line, 1954
On One Million Eight Thousand One Hundred and Four Reasons to See This Film:
1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 802 sacred bulls!
Ad for The Egyptian, 1954
On Ooga Bonga, Meaning of:
Native Chief: Ooga bonga dongay!
Jack: He wants to make a deal. Six of them for Dwan.
Dwan: Jack, can you tell him I like him, too, but not that way?
Dwan (Jessica Lange) explaining to Jack (Jeff Bridges) that she doesn’t want to be traded to the savage native chief, in King Kong, 1976
On Opening Lines, Enigmatic:
Pull the string! Pull the string! Life has begun! A story must be told!
Narrator 2 (Bela Lugosi) in Glen or Glenda?, 1953
On Opening Lines, Intriguing:
In a deserted date-palm ranch in the off-season …
Opening line of narration in Beast with a Million Eyes, 1955
On Orders, Hard to Follow:
Suck the coffin mushroom now.
The Ultimate Vampire, 1991
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On Pain and Suffering, Beyond the Pale:
It’s bad enough having no immune system, but having to wear this giant cabbage on my head is too much.
John Travolta as a boy with a rare immune disorder in the tear-jerker, disease-of-the-week film The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, 1976
On Paleontology, Essential Facts About:
Dr. Blake: Do you know anything about paleontology?
Molly: I know that very attractive men study it.
Professor and young student, in Monster on the Campus, 1958
On Parties, Downers at:
Him: The food has been cooked, the wines chilled …
Her: And the guest of honor’s on the bottom of the lake.
Rock Hudson and Dorothy Malone commiserating over the fact that her pilot husband has just crashed his plane instead of coming to his party in Tarnished Angels, 1957
On Past-Life Experiences, Bad:
Ow! I’m shot!
Lyle Wheeler (Marjoe Gortner) reliving a past life as Billy the Kid under the influence of peyote in Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw, 1976
On Past-Life Memories, Fuzzy:
Psychiatrist: What is your name?
Hypnotized patient: Laura Carson.
Psychiatrist: Go on …
Hypnotized patient: Angora sweater—was such a beautiful thing. Soft, like kitten’s fur. Felt so good on me. As if it belonged there. Felt so bad when it was gone.
Psychiatrist: Dan, do you realize we’ve just witnessed a portion of your wife’s previous existence? … Her talk about maribou, Angora, and furlike materials … I believe that it’s derived from her past existence.
Dan: Aw, come on. You don’t really believe she was a gorilla?
Psychiatrist: All the evidence points to it. Her fixation for furlike materials comes from that fact.
Dan: I’m sorry, Doctor, I just don’t buy any of this.
Psychiatrist: Well, you have a right to your own opinion.
Psychiatrist (William Justine) takes patient (Charlotte Austin) back to her past life as a gorilla. Unfortunately, her husband (Lance Fuller) doesn’t buy it in The Bride and the Beast, 1958
On Pat Boone Lines, Typical:
Emily: I’ve been around.
Wayne: Does that mean you’re a bad girl?
Ann-Margret and Pat Boone in State Fair, 1962
On Patriotism:
We’re hoodlums—but we’re American hoodlums!
Frank Jenks as Jimbo, an escaped con, dealing with Nazis in Seven Miles from Alcatraz, 1942
On Peace, Need for No War in:
If we are to live together in peace, there must be no war between us!
George Chakiris as Balam getting down to the real nitty gritty, to Yul Brynner as Chief Black Eagle in Kings of the Sun, 1963
On Penises, Glaringly Obvious Puns and:
Let’s see how it stands up in the light of day.
Surgical nurse after the operation in the penis-transplant comedy Percy, 1971, starring Denholm Elliott and Britt Ekland
Stupid Movie Lines Page 8