On Questions, Happening:
Holy cow! Are you going to turn into a swinger?
Jeanette Nolan querying Vogue editor Mia Farrow when they meet at a ritzy ski lodge in Avalanche, 1978
On Questions, Hard to Answer:
So you think you can be my tiger, drunken mantis?
Kung fu movie line, quoted in Mondo Macabo, 1977
On Questions Often Asked by Seminude Native Women:
Kiss? What is kiss?
Scantily clad island woman, getting to know a washed-ashore sailor in Pagan Island, 1960
On Questions, Oh-So-Cosmic:
Is one happier, do you think, with ten years of happiness than if one has ten minutes or ten days?
Jane Fonda as the young girl in love with Peter Finch in In the Cool of the Day, 1963
On Questions, Questions:
Where are my tits? Where are my tits!?
Myron (Rex Reed), waking up in the hospital in Myra Breckinridge, 1970
On Questions, Shocking:
You used your own granddaughter to give birth to a race of army elves?
Shocked department-store Santa asking a question of a Nazi scientist who has been doing some naughty experiments in Elves, 1989
On Questions, Too Hip for Words:
What do you think of the concept? The unstructured, the loosey-goosey, Monterey Pop, Woodstock kind of thing?
Media mogul Irene Hervey, trying to be psychedelic in Play Misty for Me, 1971
On Questions, Unanswerable, Part 1:
What type of women are these, who attack men and live in trees?
Narrator in the prehistoric love-story movie Prehistoric Women, 1950
On Questions, Unanswerable, Part 2:
Give me a sign if you’re still alive!
Confused prospector to his partner who is stuck full of arrows in Revenge of the Virgins, 1962
On Questions We Bet You Can’t Answer:
WHAT’S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES?
Ad for Meat Is Meat, 1971
On Questions We’ve Never Asked:
How many people do you know can cross the Atlantic with only a hunk of salami as luggage?
Patti Page (playing herself) to Louella Parsons discussing a brave little Italian orphan in Dondi, 1961
On Questions We’ve Never Been Asked:
Have you ever been collared and dragged out in the street and thrashed by a naked woman?
Elizabeth Taylor as a frustrated wife in Reflections in a Golden Eye, 1967
R
On Race Relations, Head Transplantation Problems with:
Doctor: Max, listen to me. We did it. We transplanted your head. We did it, Max. And everything is checking out properly. Max, it’s going to work.
Max (regaining consciousness): I knew it would. My God, I knew it would! I can feel it. I can breathe with it. In can feel my hand. I—I think I’m moving it. I think I’m lifting my left arm. I am lifting it. I know I am.
Doctor: Max, we had to make a last-minute decision. We had no choice.
Max (raising his hand—and seeing that it’s black): Is this some kind of a joke?
Doctor talking to white bigot Ray Milland as he is waking up after the operation that transplanted his head onto Rosie Grier’s (the African-American football player turned actor) body, The Thing with Two Heads, 1972
On Racy Women:
I don’t beat clocks, just people!
Not-very-good girl talking about racing in Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, 1966
On Radical Thoughts, Profound:
Why is the good ass never radical and the radical ass never good?
Hippie student complaining in with-it sixties movie R.P.M., 1970
On Radio Messages, Unexpected:
This is God. I’ll be with you for the next few days.
Radio message in The Next Voice You Hear, 1950
On Real Bitches:
To have no eyes means to be half a man. To have no eyes and no money—that’s a bitch!
Tony Anthony, the blind cowboy in Blindman, 1971
On Real Bitches, Scientific:
We’re scientists. We have to do things we hate!
Scientist Brian Donlevy in The Curse of the Fly, 1965
On Real Estate Developers, Post-Apocalyptic:
If there’s a river, we’ll dam it. If there’s a tree, we’ll ram it. ’Cause I’m talkin’ progress here. Yes, sir! I’m talkin’ development! We shall suck and savor the sweet flavor of DRY LAND!
Deacon (Dennis Hopper) exhorting his bad guy followers not only to find Dry Land but to destroy it in Waterworld, 1995
On Reality Trips, Drag of:
Daria: Hey, guy, you want a smoke?
Mark: You know you’re talking to a guy under discipline.
Daria: What’s that?
Mark: This group I was in had rules against smoking. They were into a reality trip.
Daria: Wow! What a drag!
Mark Frechette and Daria Halprin as rebellious youth in Zabriskie Point, 1970
On Reasoning, Impeccably Logical:
When the wife of a warden of a prison talks him into getting a parole for one of the convicts, then runs off and marries that convict, you get to hate a lot of people, especially convicts.
Unhappy prison warden Andrew Duggan to a girl inmate in House of Women, 1962
On Reasons to Be Happy, Foreign Languages and:
Mary, you’re never gonna be happy if you’re always gonna be sad! Now, you’ve got nice teeth and you took two years of French. So why not try to see the bright side of things?
A girlfriend to the suicidal Shirley Temple (Mary) in That Hagen Girl, 1947, also starring Ronald Reagan
On Rebellious Youth, Fun Times with:
Daria: Don’t you feel at home here? It’s so peaceful.
Mark: It’s dead.
Daria: Okay, it’s dead. Let’s play death games.
Mark Frechette and Daria Halprin as rebellious youth in the American desert in Zabriskie Point, 1970
On Redundancy, Stinkin’:
Oh, this stinkin’ swamp water stinks!
Billie Nardo (Jil Jarmyn), the blonde who’ll do anything for a man in Swamp Women, 1955
On Religious Epiphanies, Cosmic:
First scientist, decoding message from God from Mars: You have been given knowledge and have used it for destruction. Seven lifetimes ago you were told to love goodness and hate evil. Why have you denied the truth?
Second scientist: The Sermon on the Mount—on Mars!
Peter Graves and Andrea King in Red Planet Mars, 1952
On Repartee, Extremely Clever:
Girl: Do you believe that kissing is unhealthy?
Boy: I don’t know. I’ve never been—
Girl: You’ve never been kissed?
Boy: No, I’ve never been sick!
A Party Beach teen couple, before the monsters arrive in The Horror of Party Beach, 1964
On Robinson Crusoe, Operatic:
I feel as alone as Robinson Caruso [sic], even to the footprints of a man beside me.
Elizabeth Taylor to lover on a deserted beach in The Sandpiper, 1965
On Robots, Hip:
Master, don’t get smashed. We must find a place to crash tonight.
Robot to general (played by Vic Morrow), who is drowning his sorrows instead of looking for a place to sleep in the Japanese Star Wars ripoff Message from Space, 1978
On Rock Bands, Typical:
Your lead guitar’s a junkie, your drummer’s a gangster, and your bassist, on good days, is a slut. No. And who’s in jail?
Satisfaction, 1988
On Rock ’n’ Roll Friends, Why You Don’t Want Them to Meet Your Preppie Friends:
Darryl: Don’t eat with your hands, and if someone says you have nice hair, or something, say thank you.
Billy: Shit, what do you think we are? Uncouth?
A nervous Darryl (Julia Roberts) getting ready to introduce her rock ’n’
roll friends, including Billy (Britta Phillips), to her rich preppie friends, in Satisfaction, 1988
On Romantic Come-ons, Heart-Burning:
Your hair is too red, your legs are too thin, you have lips like a cat … but you make a fire, here!
Circus elephant man Lyle Bettger (pointing to his heart) to circus elephant girl Gloria Grahame in The Greatest Show on Earth, 1952
On Romantic Dialogue, Great Monster Moments in:
Man: I’d like to take you out in a monster-free city.
Woman: I’d like that.
Discussion between man and woman as they look out the skyscraper window at a giant flying monster on a nest in Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, 1995
On Romantic Dialogue, Pretentious:
Drama coach next door: I don’t know how to feel what I’m feeling when I don’t even know your name.
Woman in hiding: People never really know each other.
Kevin Anderson falling in love with Julia Roberts, who is hiding from her psycho husband, in Sleeping with the Enemy, 1991
On Romantic Lines, Nauseating:
Don: We’ll never meet again?
Lyda: There’s never any never. Kiss me.
Troy Donahue and Angie Dickinson as unhappy lovers in Rome Adventure, 1962
On Romantic Songs, Vapid:
If I had a thousand paintings
In a marble gallery
Every single picture
Would be of Valerie.
Vitamins are good, they say,
And so’s a calorie.
But I feel like a tiger
On one kiss from Valerie.
One of the songs sung by Tommy (Arch Hall, Jr.) in Eegah!, 1962. The song was written by producer/director Arch Hall, Sr.
On Root Vegetables:
An intelligent carrot—the mind boggles.
Douglas Spencer in The Thing, 1951
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On Sabu, Problems with Word “Fiancée” (Not to Mention Verb Tenses …):
I are here to look for my friend’s almost wife.
Sabu in Cobra Woman, 1944
On Salads, Tough:
Wow! That’s the first time a salad’s ever tossed me!
Private Philbrick (Bob Ball) after a fight with an alien giant carrot in Invasion of the Star Creatures, 1962
On Satori, Breathy:
Maharishi: Now we must find that place where the immutable self resides.
Candy: You mean my lungs?
Marlon Brando as an Indian guru, seducing the young and adorable Candy (Ewa Aulin) in Candy, 1968
On Schizo Stalkers, Typical Statements from:
We were both waiting for you: myself and I!
Schizophrenic stalker Bruno (Jenn LeClerc) to his intended victim in Whispers, 1989
On Scientific Discoveries Made While Battling Devil Girls from Mars:
So there is a fourth dimension.
The Professor, making a discovery in Devil Girl from Mars, 1954
On Scientific Logic, Dry:
Actually, there was no blood. That accounts for the shriveled effect.
Scientists examining dead body that has been killed by the nine-foot-tall mutant astronaut in Monster a-Go Go, 1965
On Scientist Lovers, Witty Lines from:
Although women are made up of mostly water, with a few pinches of salt and some metallic trace elements, you have a distinctly unsalty and nonmetallic effect on me!
Scientist hero (Jock Mahoney) seducing his lady love in The Land Unknown, 1957
On Scientists, Excessively Sensitive:
I understand what that whale is feeling, ’cause the same thing happened to me.
Richard Harris comparing himself to the killer whale that lost its wife and child in Orca, 1977
On Scientists, Unscientific:
First scientist: Look! The properties of this plant are exactly as our hypothesis predicted!
Second scientist: Good! This means that our senses won’t suffer hypertension!
Two scientists in The Fifth Dimension of Sex, 1984 (Brazil)
On Seduction, Great Moments in:
We’re primates, too.
Linda Hamilton, seducing scientist hero Brian Kerwin in King Kong Lives, 1986
On Seduction Moments That Make You Gag:
I like fuzzy things. Like peaches and kiwis and Hostess Snowballs.
Ivy (Drew Barrymore) seducing her best friend’s father (Tom Skerritt), in Poison Ivy, 1992
On Seduction, Shocking Moments in:
You know the worst part? He was trying to seduce me with domestic champagne!
Fashion designer Susan Hayward about a lecherous businessman, to stranger and future lover John Gavin in Back Street, 1961
On Self-Descriptions, Flighty:
Wingspread: thirty-seven; fuselage: twenty-five; and—hand-rubbed, by the way—tail is simply thirty-six. Shockproof landing gear and never stalls in a dive.
Playgirl Elizabeth Ashley, describing herself to George Peppard in The Carpetbaggers, 1964
On Sex Goddesses, Runners-up:
She Sins in Mobile—
Marries in Houston—
Loses Her Baby in Dallas—
Leaves Her Husband in Tucson—
MEETS HARRY IN SAN DIEGO! …
FIRST—HARLOW!
THEN—MONROE!
NOW—McCLANAHAN!!!
Ad for The Rotten Apple, 1963, starring Rue McClanahan
On Sex, Moments We’d Rather Not Think About:
You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, Duckie?
Beverly (Lea Thompson), crawling into bed with a giant cigar-smoking duck in Howard the Duck, 1986
On Sexologists, Typical Thoughts from:
Why not run off with the swinging wife of the swinging director and knock off a piece! Lovemaking to you is like a stallion mounting a mare. Real people make love with their minds and their understanding, not just with their bodies!
Tippi Hedren as the sexologist at college, to young stud Don Johnson in The Harrad Experiment, 1973
On Sex Talk, Repellent:
You’re not the first woman to find the physical act repellent.
Noted sex doctor Dr. Chapman (Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.) to frigid Jane Fonda, who is about to melt and marry him in The Chapman Report, 1962
On Sexy Dialogues, Great Moments in:
Kansas: Hmmm—it’s muy frio tonight, ain’t it?
Maria: Um.
Kansas: You cold?
Maria: Um. My feet are cold.
Kansas: Yeah?
Maria: Yeah.
Kansas (reaching under her skirt): Hey, hey, I know something that’s hot and—uh, heh, heh, yes sir!
Maria: Hee, hee.
Dennis Hopper and Stella Garcia in Hopper’s The Last Movie, 1971
On Sexy Lines, Overwrought:
I don’t want your gold. I want flesh. I want to touch human flesh. I want to kiss it. I want to suck it!
Theresa Russell as Tracy, the love- and sex-starved daughter of wacky rich man Gene Hackman in Eureka, 1981
On Sexy Undulation, Inexplicable:
Under the spell of the full moon, Tigri and the women of her tribe dance restlessly, savagely, impelled by a feeling of frustration, not knowing why.
Narrator explaining the gyrating bathing beauties in Prehistoric Women, 1950
On Shakespeare, B-Horror Movies and:
Girl: Johnny, I never let anyone kiss me like this before!
Boy: My name’s not Johnny!
Girl: Well, what is it?
Boy: Irving!
Girl: Irving? [giggles, quotes Shakespeare] What’s in a name?
A Party Beach teen couple, before the monsters arrive in The Horror of Party Beach, 1964
On Shakespeare, Little-Known Lines from:
Now I know how Shakespeare felt when he said, “Alone at last.”
Troy Donahue to Suzanne Pleshette, in love in the Alps in Rome Adventure, 1962
On Shoeshine Songs, Bad:
Shoes
to shine, shoes to shine.
Prancing shoes for dancing new romances to,
Shoes for morning, noon, and night,
Every shade from black to white.
Every type from boot to pump,
Suddenly my heart goes bump.…
Nelson Eddy’s serenade in New Moon, 1940
On Signs We Think We’ll Never See:
I think one day in Monterey they’ll put a very big sign saying, “Robert Louis Stevenson and John Steinbeck and Hoyt Bricker wrote here.”
Connie Stevens (Susan) to Troy Donahue (Hoyt) in Susan Slade, 1961
On the Simple Things in Life, Nuclear Holocaust Style:
It’s great to eat under an open sky, even if it is radioactive.
Frankie Avalon, enjoying a picnic with the family in after-the-nuclear-holocaust Los Angeles in Panic in the Year Zero, 1962
On Sins, Pissed:
We’ve experienced death and somehow we’ve brought our sins back, and they’re pissed.
Scientist Kiefer Sutherland, after coming back from the dead in Flatliners, 1990
On Skinny-Dippers, Dumb Things to Say to:
You’re a mighty fine swimmer, lady.
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