by Sloan Parker
“Goddammit!” I bent for a rock that lay at my feet and chucked it through the air. The rock bounced off a nearby tree, hit the ground, and rolled to a stop before me, right where it had started.
Luke and Richard wore matching concerned expressions. Like the night I’d come home drunk. I couldn’t stand seeing those looks from them again.
I shook my head. “We never should’ve come out here. We should’ve hired someone experienced to look for Alex. I never should’ve put you in danger.” I started pacing between two trees, moving back and forth in long, agitated strides, going nowhere but needing to move. “I was so obsessed with doing this myself, I didn’t think about what could go wrong. And now look what’s happening. You could get hurt. Or worse. I didn’t think about your safety. Or what was the right thing to do. I just had to do this myself. And look at me now. I’m still trying to do things that could get you hurt.” Just like my father. His choices and actions hurt me, when he was supposed to be the one protecting me. I kicked at a branch in my way and kept pacing.
Richard stepped into my path. “You did think of the right thing to do. That’s what you’ve been doing this whole time, that’s what you’re still doing. Helping someone in need. That’s what you always do. It’s who you are, Matthew. And I love that about you. I may not like that we’re out here, I may not like that we’re in danger because you wanted to help Alex, but I don’t for one second think you did the wrong thing.”
Luke pointed at Richard. “Right. What he said.”
I barely choked out, “Then why?” The anger at myself for how I’d handled the search for Alex had morphed into the fury and despair I’d kept buried beneath the surface for far too long.
Richard’s brows drew in. “Why what?”
“Why did he do it? If I’m such a good person, why did he hurt me? Why did he hit me?” I spun away. I didn’t want to see the pity-filled expressions from them any longer. Once again, my boots slipped, and this time I didn’t try to stop myself. I dropped forward onto my hands and knees in the mud. “You hurt me.”
Richard knelt beside me. He laid one hand on my back, the other across my stomach. “Your dad?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about this now. We had far more important things going on, but I couldn’t stop the words, couldn’t focus on anything else. I sank back on my haunches. “I was just a kid. I’d go to bed scared, crying, bruised, a split lip, trying to figure out what I could do to stop it from happening the next time, like I had some control over that part of my life.” I reached for the rock that I’d thrown earlier and gripped it in both hands. “But I had no control. You took that from me. You hurt me every time you drank. Every time you hit me. And when you walked out the door without a word, it all changed who I was, who I became. I’ll never know the man I could’ve been. Maybe I would’ve been more confident, more certain, more… I don’t know. Just more. More of a man.”
I sounded mad, talking to a person who wasn’t there, who hadn’t been there for such a long time.
The rain had stopped, which made the tears streaming down my cheeks all the more obvious. I wanted the rain to return. I couldn’t take back the words, but maybe with the rain, Luke and Richard wouldn’t see the flood of tears.
Luke came to kneel in the mud on my other side, his arm around my shoulders, his lips pressed to my temple. Richard shifted to kneel before me. He was all I could see.
He held my face and tipped my head up. “You’re absolutely perfect the way you are.”
Luke spoke without removing his lips from my skin. “You are.”
“Then why?”
Richard gathered me up and pulled me into his arms. He stroked the back of my head and held on to me. “None of what he did to you was your fault.”
The tears came harder, and I let it all out. The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal, the anger, the heartbreak.
For the first time since that night my dad had started hitting me, I let myself grieve for the loss of the father—and friend—I’d once had.
Luke moved in so he was eye level with me where I had my head pressed against Richard’s chest. “You were a good son. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know.” I wiped at the tears. “I know that. I do.” I sat up taller and faced them. “I guess I just needed to say all that out loud. Just once.” I considered my words, and in that moment, I wondered if I needed more. “I wish I knew what to do, what the right thing was to do.”
“About finding your dad?” Luke asked.
“Yeah. I want him to know how much he hurt me. I feel like I need to say it to him.”
“I get that. I do, but…” He sighed as if he couldn’t bring himself to argue with me about this.
“I want to know why he wouldn’t stay and get help.”
Richard stared at the rock I held. Without glancing up at me, he said, “Whatever you decide, whatever you need, we’ll be there with you.”
Luke nodded. “Yeah.” He reached for my free hand. “Whatever you need.”
“But maybe that’s not what would be best for me.” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter right now. We don’t have time for this.” I released a trembling sigh as I let the rock in my other hand fall to the muddy forest floor, then tilted my head back. The gray storm clouds were clearing. The sun was beginning to rise in the east, creating a brilliant orange arc above the hills and trees on the horizon. “Being out here isn’t about him. Or me.” I stood. “I have to look for that mill and the cabin. I’m going to find out for sure if Alex is still alive, find out if he left another message for Natalie and Tomas.”
“What?” Luke staggered to his feet. “No. We came out here to find his truck and prove he was in the park that day, and we did that. Why do you feel like you need to do more? The chances that they kept him alive are minuscule.”
I thought about that for a moment, then glanced at Richard where he still knelt in the mud. “Have you ever heard the saying that a man is never truly a man until his father dies?”
Cautiously, Richard stood. “Yeah.”
“The way things are now, I’ll never know when my father dies. He could already be gone, and I just don’t know it. I don’t want Tomas to grow up and never feel like a man.”
Luke stepped in front of me. “Fuck that. It’s a bullshit saying, Matthew. It doesn’t mean shit.”
Richard signaled for Luke to ease up. He took one of my hands in both of his. “You continually sacrifice your time and energy to give to others and to help animals in need. In my book that makes you more of a man than most guys. Than your father or your grandfather. Than me.”
Luke nodded. “And me.”
I sighed. “Then why can’t you understand why I have to do this?”
I could see the arguments forming.
Before either could say anything, I added, “I can get us to that mill and find the cabin. I know I can.” I took a step back. “If there is even the slightest chance he’s still alive, I can’t just leave him out here. I can’t.”
Richard kept quiet as if giving what I’d said serious thought. “You know, with all the drugs and money, they’ll likely have that mill heavily guarded. And that cabin was new. It’s probably their headquarters. They’ll be guarding that too.”
“But maybe not since they’re searching for us.”
When they said nothing, I offered, “We won’t go near either place. We’ll just find where they are and then check for any caves or recesses nearby, someplace Alex may have hidden, where he may have left something behind.”
Richard remained quiet for another ten seconds. Then he said, “Okay. But the minute we see anyone—and I mean anyone—we take off.”
“Agreed.”
Luke stepped in between us, facing Richard. “Have you lost your goddamn mind? We could walk right into the path of those psychos.”
“We’ll be careful. Keep out of sight.” He indicated my way with a nod. “He needs to do this. And we need to help him. Maybe if he does this for Tomas
, then he won’t feel so helpless himself, so lost.” He looked over Luke’s shoulder at me. “He won’t feel like that abused, abandoned kid anymore.”
I rounded Luke so I could see both of them at once. “I have to do this.”
Luke searched my face. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you or Richard.”
“I know. I don’t want that either. But I need to do this.”
He studied me for another long moment. There was a spark of understanding in those blue eyes. “I get that. I do.” He tugged the map out of his pack. “Which way?”
Chapter Thirty-Two
It was an hour past daybreak when we found a narrow dirt road that I was pretty sure, based on my memory, wasn’t one of the access roads on the sheriff’s map. Various tire tracks covered the surface, deep enough that even the heavy rain hadn’t washed them away. We stayed back from the road, and instead hiked out of sight, using the trees for cover. The thick vine-laden brush on the ground made each step difficult. Still, I didn’t want to slow down or stop for a break. We had to be getting close.
Then I heard something.
“What is it?” Luke asked as he caught up to me.
“I can hear the river.” The road ahead vanished as it curved into the forest and was engulfed by the trees. “Come on. Around that bend.” We continued on.
When I came to an abrupt stop after the curve in the road, Luke almost walked right into me. “What—”
“Shh. That’s it.”
A hundred yards ahead, alongside the river, sat a dilapidated wooden structure. The old mill. It was nestled back off the dirt road, nearly shielded from view on all sides by overgrown grass and weeds.
We slowly started forward, scanning the surroundings in search of the cabin and anyone on guard near the mill.
When we approached the edge of the open area where the mill sat, I stopped dead in my tracks again.
“What is it?” Richard whispered as he came up behind me. “You see someone?”
“Not someone.” I pointed toward a mound of dirt situated between two trees to our right. We moved in for a closer look.
“That’s a grave, isn’t it?” I asked.
“I think so,” Richard said.
“Maybe it’s not Alex. It could be the hikers.”
“Could be.”
Frozen in place, I couldn’t turn away from the haunting vision of piled earth loosely covered with half-dead foliage. The reality of where we were and why slammed into me so forcefully I wavered back a step. What a stupid, idiotic, fucked-up thing for us to do, coming out there to search for… anything. Why the hell had they listened to me? Because I’d been crying and carrying on like a madman.
“We need to go.” I backed away from the grave. “We need to get out of here right now. Before someone finds us.”
“You sure?” Richard asked.
“Yeah. Let’s go.” I turned away from the unmarked grave but stopped when a low, muffled groan came from somewhere to our left.
“Shit.” Luke gestured for us to hunker down in the brush.
Richard grasped my elbow. “Come on. Back this way.”
Then came another moan. It was followed by a call for help.
I pointed north. “It came from that way.” I barreled toward the sound of continued groans, wading through the knee-high grass to a nearby cluster of trees. I rounded the trees and found another open area. There sat the cabin from the video. Smaller than the ranger station but definitely a newer structure. Visible on the other side was a rudimentary path consisting of two strips of trampled brush, far enough apart they had to have been made by a vehicle. The makeshift driveway probably led to the access road.
An arm came around my waist. Richard hauled me back against his chest. He whispered in my ear, “We’re not going near that cabin.”
“But that could be Alex.”
“Help,” came the same cracked voice, only louder now. It was definitely coming from inside the cabin. “Someone. Help. Please.”
“That’s him. That’s his voice. That’s Alex!” I sprinted for the building.
“Matthew!” Luke called out. “Wait!”
I didn’t stop until I reached the back of the cabin. I had to get a look inside, but I wanted—needed—their help. I waited for them to catch up.
Luke gripped my forearm in a firm hold. He had no intention of letting me take off again. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“We have to help him.”
“You have no idea who’s inside there with him.”
“If he’s calling out for help, there must not be anyone close by.”
Without a word, Richard stepped past me and shot a glance around the corner of the building. “There’s a window on this side. It’s open a crack.” He looked torn. Like his instincts were telling him to both protect us and go see who needed our help. “I’ll take a look. You guys stay here.”
“No.” I pointed a finger at him. “We stay together. No matter what.” Although that wasn’t exactly what I’d been doing. I had charged forward several times now without waiting for them.
A swell of nausea landed in the pit of my stomach. If anything happened to them because of my decisions, because I’d taken chances with all our lives…
No, I couldn’t think about that now. Alex needed our help.
We were getting him out of that cabin and taking him to safety. Nothing was going to happen to any of us in the process.
Nothing.
Richard hesitated, then gave a nod. The shock on Luke’s face was almost comical, if it weren’t for the fact that we were standing in the exact location where a crooked sheriff’s deputy had murdered two people.
Richard gestured toward the corner of the cabin. “We’ll have a look in the window. That’s it.”
I nodded, and Luke reluctantly did too.
Richard carefully peeked around the corner again. He inched forward. Luke and I followed, shuffling behind him with our backs against the side wall of the cabin, trying to stay out of sight and not make a sound.
When he got to the window, Richard darted a look inside. He jerked his head back.
“What did you see?” I whispered frantically.
“Just one person.” He slowly got another look, then moved to stand before the window. Luke and I joined him.
Inside, in the middle of the one-room cabin, which was set up as both an office and a living space with several cots, sat Alex.
His ankles were secured to the legs of a chair with duct tape, his wrists similarly taped to the arms of the chair. He had his head down, his chin on his chest. His eyes were closed, but his chest rose and fell with each breath.
I advanced, reaching for the window to open it the rest of the way.
“Fuck!” Luke grabbed me and tugged me backward, out of view from the window. He gestured for Richard to step back too, then spoke low. “What the hell is wrong with you two? You’re gonna get yourselves killed.” He pointed at the window. “Someone could show up here any minute. Someone dangerous. With a fucking gun. We need to go get help.”
“No.” I emphatically shook my head. “I’m not leaving him here.” I tipped my head to get another peek inside the window.
“Shit,” Luke said under his breath, but he didn’t stop me.
I tapped the window. Alex’s head shot up. His face was severely bruised, his eyes swollen, his lower lip cut. It was obvious some of the damage was new, but most of it was days old, maybe even weeks. Despite his appearance, the expression on his face lit up when he spotted me in the window. A cloth was tied around his face, pushed low over his chin like he’d managed to get it out of his mouth. Help me, he mouthed.
I signaled that I was going to open the window.
Alex nodded and spoke louder. “You can open it. I’m alone right now.”
Once I had the window pushed up, I asked Alex, “You sure no one else is here?”
“Yeah,” he croaked out. “They left. But they’ll be back soon. They always come back
.”
“Okay.” I turned to Luke. “Lift me up.”
Luke sighed and stepped forward.
“Wait.” Richard laid a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “I’ll go keep an eye on the driveway in case someone comes back. Help Matthew with Alex and then you three get the hell out of there. I’ll be right behind you.”
Luke’s brows furrowed. “Didn’t we just say something about sticking together?”
“I’ll stay right there at the corner of the building. You’ll be able to see me from the window.”
“All right.”
Richard turned to me. “Get Alex untied and get him out of there. Nothing else.”
“Got it.”
Richard took off for the front corner of the cabin while Luke lifted me up into the window. I helped pull him through next. When Luke had one leg over the windowsill, I rushed to Alex and dropped to my knees before him.
His features were gaunt. He’d lost at least fifteen pounds. “Are you okay?”
“Mostly. I’ve been locked in here for days, weeks, I don’t know how long.”
Luke removed the multi-tool from his pack, then flipped open the blade and began sawing at the tape around Alex’s wrists as I said, “You’ve been gone for over three weeks.”
Alex dropped his head back. “Oh God. My family…” He lifted his head. “Are they okay? Did anyone hurt them?”
“They’re okay.”
When Luke had Alex’s arms free, Alex fell forward and grasped my shoulders. If he hadn’t, he would’ve toppled over. He was weak, barely able to hold his own weight. “Thank you,” he whispered. Then he searched my face while Luke worked on the tape at his ankles. “Why are you here?”
“We were trying to see if we could figure out what happened to you.”
“You sure my family’s okay?”
“Yeah. They’re fine.”
“The baby?”
“As far as I know, she hasn’t had it yet.”
Luke said in a rush, “We’ll catch you up on everything later. We gotta go.” He grasped Alex by one arm and hauled him out of the chair.
Alex wobbled on shaky legs. I shifted around and held on to him at his other side.