by Jordan Marie
Then, in the blink of an eye, Beth set my world upside down again.
The fucking Donahues have come close to destroying me, and I’ve still been unable to find Colin. After the messed-up search for them in Georgia, I drove straight back home and continued searching them out. I’m getting nowhere. They’ve picked a mighty big rock to crawl under, but I won’t stop. I will get them and I will have my revenge. Until then, however, I’m here watching Beth and just remembering.
I’m back to where I was the day that boat exploded. I’m back in this fucking hole, feeling like the world is closing in on me and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. Having Beth back should have brought me joy. Instead, it makes me wish I was dead because I don’t want any more pain. It might make me a fucking pussy, but that’s the simple truth. Losing her once destroyed me. Finding out she lives and it’s all been some fucking… lie?
It’s killed me.
I back out of the room and close the door, calming my heart and breathing. Breathing. For so long, I don’t think I was breathing at all, at least not consciously. Now, every breath is labored and each intake is filled with the scent of Beth’s perfume, and it’s painful.
It hurts to breathe. That’s her fault too.
I want her gone. I need her gone.
And I can’t let her go.
I hear the door close and I turn on my back, letting the tears fall. I did this. I destroyed the love we had. He’s right. Nicole’s right. They all are. I should have tried harder to get back to him. He doesn’t understand why I didn’t. Some days I don’t, myself. I was nineteen basically, scared, tired, and emotionally scarred. I just had a baby and almost died. Getting that damn note, seeing those pictures, it was like some giant cosmic sign that I needed to just… give it up. I never should have been with Skull. I knew better, I just couldn’t make myself stay away.
Did I quit because I was tired of fighting? I don’t know. Maybe? I felt alone after that note. I felt completely alone after seeing those pictures. I made bad choices, I admit it. At the same time I’m so fucking tired of tears. I’m tired of being the bad guy. I might have made bad choices, but damn it, so did Skull. The only difference is, he is still making them.
I’m done. I sit up in bed and wipe my eyes. He wants to be a fucking asshole? Fine. I’m done. He scared me. He threatened to take my child, even if he didn’t follow through with it. He looks at me like I’m dirt under his fingernails, or worse. I’ve seen that damn doctor here a couple of times alone this week. What does he do? Come stare at me in bed and then go to her? The idea makes me physically ill.
I’m done.
I can’t keep going like this and I refuse to cry one more tear. I use the back of my hand to wipe the tears away. Skull hates me? He wants to drive me away from him permanently?
I’ll give him what he wants.
I need to figure out what I want out of life. Skull says he’s intent on wiping Colin and Matthew from the face of the Earth. I’m more than okay with that. If he’d let me, I’d join in. It’s time for me to start putting my life in order. The only way I can do that is to face Skull head-on. I might have been a terrified kid at the age of nineteen, but I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t. Gabby deserves more from me. I deserve more.
Decision made, I grab my robe and decide to find Skull now. It can’t wait until morning. I’ve barely made it five steps away from my door when I see Skull standing in the hall talking to her. Dr. Torres. My stomach clenches and I feel acid churning in it. My first instinct is to go back in my room. Then, I remember my decision to be more adult. To face things head-on. I’m tired of running, and if I don’t face this, that’s all I’m doing again.
Running.
“Skull, could I have a word with you?” I ask, and I’m congratulating myself because I don’t sound scared, which is the tone I normally have around him. I’ve got my hand wrapped around the belt of my robe and I hope he doesn’t look, because I know I’ve pulled it so tight that my hand is deathly white because I’m cutting off circulation.
He whips around to see me, and it could be my imagination, but he looks almost ashamed. Was he not expecting me to find him talking to his mistress? Poor man. Okay, so she might not be his mistress, but she’s sure not his wife. She might be someday, but that day is not right now.
He brings his hand up and rubs the back of his neck, his eyes going over me in that cold way that he’s been using ever since I first got back.
“It’s late, Beth.”
“True, but you obviously aren’t sleeping. Surely you can spend five minutes talking to me before you go do whatever you were getting ready to do?”
Did that sound accusatory? Did I sound jealous? Please, God, do not let me sound jealous. I’m steadfastly ignoring Dr. Torres. I wouldn’t mind kicking her where it hurts. She’d probably swallow my foot whole though if I hit wrong. The bitch.
“Spill it, then.”
“I’d rather not talk in front of your girlfriend, Skull.”
“I don’t have girlfriends.”
“I’m all too familiar with that. I should have listened closer. Still, if it’s all the same, I’d rather discuss this in private.”
Skull exhales a large breath like I’m asking him to jump through hoops. He grabs me roughly and pulls me back to my room. I can’t resist the urge to look over my shoulder at Dr. Torres. I don’t know what I expected to see in the other woman’s face, but it wasn’t what I saw. There’s annoyance there, but it seems like there’s something else, something I can’t describe, but it sets off warning bells.
I shrug it off. I’m probably just imagining it because I hate her and would like to see her die a horrible fiery death, or at least have to move to another country. One of those.
When we make it back to my room, Skull slams the door and then leans against it with his arms crossed. He seems to be waiting for me to talk. Too bad my brain seems to have short-circuited. I’m trying to remember my new resolve to face things head-on. Instead, I notice the changes in Skull. In the week since I’ve been back, I haven’t really looked at him. He’s gotten older. Sure, it has been two years, but he looks so much older. His eyes, which always sparkled with heat and humor, now look dull and cold. Another thing I did.
I shake it off. I can’t go down that road.
“Well? Spit it out, Beth,” he growls.
“So sorry I’m holding you up from getting lucky,” I snarl back. I’m pretty fed up and, all of a sudden, it feels easier to stick to my new decision. I’m done letting him or anyone push me around.
I’m done.
Her response shocks me, but I’m not about to get into this with her. I need to stay away from her. I can’t let her see just how much she gets to me.
“I don’t have time for your bullshit, Beth. Just tell me what you wanted to say and get it over with. I have things to do,” I tell her, keeping my voice cold.
“I want to leave.”
“Not happening.”
“Kidnapping is against the law, Skull, and I’ve had enough of men keeping me against my will. I want to take my daughter and leave,” she growls.
That pulls my attention to her face instead of the way that damn robe is caressing her body.
“My daughter stays here. She’s not leaving this compound, Beth.”
“Bullshit. Living in a club with a bunch of horny bikers getting their rocks off is no place for a small child.”
“I can remember a time you didn’t mind it.”
“I’m not that woman anymore, Skull.”
“A pity. I actually liked that woman,” I tell her, and I can see the exact moment my words hit her. She flinches. You would think that would bring me some sort of satisfaction. It doesn’t. If anything, it bothers me that it hurt her. Which, in turn, just makes me mad for still being a fool when it comes to her.
“Something about being lied to, held captive, almost dying and killing someone, changes you. Go figure. You said you weren’t turning me over to Col
in,” she states, waiting for me to answer. I want to yell at her, shake her and ask if she ever knew who the fuck I was. How could she even think I would do that? How? God, I wish I could hate her.
“I’ve had enough of this bullshit,” I growl, turning to leave.
“I’m not staying, Skull. I’m going to leave, and I will take my daughter with me.”
“If you think I will ever let you keep my daughter away from me again, Beth…”
“I don’t want to keep her away from you,” she says, and the shock in her voice is not fake. I study her face, looking for signs that she’s taking me for a ride, but don’t find any.
“Then she stays here. You need to be close to her, so you need to be here too, at least for now. Problem solved. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”
“I’m not staying, and you’re welcome to see and visit Gabby anytime.”
“That doesn’t work for me,” I tell her, turning to face her fully.
“Too bad. Gabby and I can find a home close to your club. You can see her anytime and you can keep her and spend time with her within reason.”
“Will you listen to yourself? ‘Within reason’? This is my child we’re talking about. A child that you kept hidden from me. I’m not about to give you that chance again and no one, Beth, will ever keep my child from me again!”
“I’m not trying to keep you from her! But, I’m not about to give her up either. We have to learn to work this out, Skull! For Gabby!”
“She’s here and you’re here and that’s it. It’s worked out!”
“It’s not worked out. You can’t stand to look at me! Your girlfriend is outside waiting to…”
“To what, Beth? Go ahead say it! I dare you.”
“It’s none of my business what you choose to do with her,” she growls, her face red and her hair scattered across her shoulder, rumpled from her being in bed. I shouldn’t find her sexy in the midst of this fight. I shouldn’t even notice it, but I do.
And my dick does. Motherfucker.
“You got that right. Christo! You lost the chance to care about who was in my bed when you lied to me and planned to leave me that day in Beast’s hospital room! Anything that has happened since is on you, Beth. It’s all on you.”
“Bullshit! What would you have had me do, Skull? I was nineteen, scared of my father. I was ready to tell him to fuck off, to leave me alone. In fact, I had. But he had one last card to play. My sister. Did you expect me to just let him kill her? I couldn’t do that. I still wouldn’t, even if I could go back, I’d help Katie. I’d save Katie!”
“And that’s the problem, isn’t it Beth? You chose Katie over me. Over a life with me and my daughter. You turned your back on me. You didn’t give me a chance to try and save Katie for you. You didn’t trust me with anything!” I growl, her words wounding me, cutting open holes in my soul I thought scabbed over, creating pain where I had finally thought I was dead.
“How was I supposed to trust you could save Katie? Your own man was the one who helped my father. You couldn’t even protect your own club! I did what I had to do to protect my family!”
Her words are truthful. She’s just saying aloud the very thing that I have struggled the most with, the very reason Pistol is still drawing breath. I should have ended the fucking asshole way before he got the chance to betray me.
“Me voy de aquí,” I growl. I can’t do this with her. I can’t. I know my failures are the last thing I want to hear Beth throw in my face.
“Go, but it doesn’t matter. I’m leaving, Skull. I’m not staying under the same roof with you.”
I’ve turned so my back is to her. I take a breath. I don’t want her here either. She’s right. I can’t go on like this. Que así sea.
“You won’t leave until I’ve neutralized Colin and Matthew. Then, you can leave. I don’t care where the fuck you go after that. I just want my daughter safe, but you better never keep me from Gabriella, Beth. If you do, you will not survive the hell I unleash on you.”
“It can’t be any worse than the hell I’ve survived, Skull. But don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to Gabby. I want her to know the man I once loved.”
“Sure doesn’t seem like it,” I snarl, opening the door.
“Yeah, well hearing you tell Matthew that you’ll help hunt me down in exchange for your daughter has a way of changing a woman’s mind,” she says as I reach the outside.
Her words stop me and I turn around and face her. She’s standing at the door now, her eyes glowing with unshed tears, but she’s facing me head-on, her face set.
“Me escuchaste? What the fuck do you mean?”
“Matthew made sure I heard all about the deal the two of you agreed to.”
Son of a fucking bitch. My mind immediately goes back to the phone conversation I had with Matthew. It replays every damning word. Clearly she didn’t hear the whole conversation, but what the fuck does it matter? She had already succeeded in keeping my daughter away from me for way too fucking long. The only thing this information changes is the fact that Matthew will now reach the end of his life before Colin. That’s all.
“You took my daughter from me for over a year by that time. You deserved whatever I decided to do. You still do.”
“Poor Skull. Everyone around you always lets you down. It never has anything to do with your own choices, does it?”
“You seriously…”
“I told you we couldn’t be together. All those years ago. I warned you. You made me believe you had it handled. People got killed because of our choice, because you wouldn’t let me go! Pistol was able to manipulate me because of your choices! And I ran away because I thought that’s what you wanted! Because that woman out there showed me things that made me believe Gabby and I had no place in your life anymore! Yet you’re getting ready to take her to bed, and hating me all the while. So fuck you, Skull. I’m done being the scapegoat here. Everything, all this shit, it’s not just on me. Look in the fucking mirror!” she growls, then goes to slam the door.
I put my hand up to stop her. Anger is vibrating through my body and I’ve had it.
“Cuidadoso, mi esposa. You are on thin ground. I still hold your life in my hands. You go too far.”
“Like I said, do your worst. I’ve survived more than you can ever imagine. And I’m not your wife. I never was, but I’m definitely not now.”
“You don’t have to remind me of that. I give fucking thanks for it every day!” I lie. It’s a bold-faced lie, but she’ll never know it. Ever.
“You really are a bastard,” she whispers, and I can see the hurt in her eyes, and for once, I take pleasure in it. Let her fucking hurt. She’s killing me.
I’m not the one who gave up on us. You are.
“What? I am just giving you the truth. You should try it sometime. I realize it’s new to you, but it actually is how most of the people in the world communicate! The only favor you ever did for me was refusing to marry me! But then, you were already planning on taking my child and leaving me, weren’t you? Maldita perra!”
She blanches at my words. Does she understand Spanish, or is she just now realizing that I know she lied to me from the beginning? It doesn’t matter. She knows what I think of her. That’s enough.
“Whatever you want to think, Skull. Go ahead.”
“No defense? Nothing to say for yourself, Beth? Have you finally ran out of lies?”
“It wouldn’t matter. You’ll believe what you want to. It doesn’t matter what I say. Funny, how you can see all my faults but no one else’s, not even the woman sharing your bed. Just go. We can avoid each other until you do whatever it is you need to do so Gabby and I can move out.”
She closes the door and I immediately want to push it back open and yell at her some more. Fuck. She’s right. I am a bastard because I feel more alive fighting with her than I’ve felt since the day I lost her.
“Skull? Is everything okay? Are you ready for that drink now?” Teena asks.
She’s standing
beside me and I just noticed her. What is she doing so close? Did she listen to the conversation Beth and I had? Most probably, since most of it was while we were screaming at each other.
“No, I don’t want a fucking drink. Will you stop this, Teena? I told you I can’t give you what you want. We’ve had this out before, and I’m tired of being nice about it. I’ve had enough of everything tonight,” I growl, moving around her.
“Mi amante, surely you can see that she—”
“This isn’t any of your concern, Teena. That’s what I can see. And stop calling me that. I haven’t touched you in a year,” I tell her as I’m walking away, giving her a view of my back.
Women. They’re all fucking stupid.
I’m done with them all.
“Jesus, amante. You realize he’s not going to survive this forever,” Teena says, looking over the unconscious Pistol.
After the blow up with Beth last night, I had too much frustration built up. I came down here to beat the shit out of Pistol some more. I’ll admit, I probably went overboard. I’m hoping she can fix the fucker, but I sure as hell won’t cry if she can’t. Besides, my mind is made up. I’ll have Matthew here to torture in a few days. There’s no way that fucker will draw clean air anymore, not after feeding Beth some bullshit recording.
I have Pistol strung up in the basement of the club. No one is allowed in here but me right now. I’m keeping him under lock and key and only doing enough to prolong his misery. I’ll have to end him soon. But hopefully not today.
“I don’t need forever. Can you patch him up enough for now?” I ask her, annoyed she’s still here. Annoyed I even called her the first time. Mostly, I’m just fucking pissed off that I can’t seem to work through all of the shit in my head.