~*~
I continued to doodle on the page of steno paper, my chin cupped in my hands. 'You could ask.' That had been bothering me since Janine said it yesterday.
I sighed deep and crossed my arms on the desk to hide my face in them. I had enough stress. I didn't need this. But how could I get rid of the stress and the worry of impressing Ahndra if I didn't know if it was possible? In Zell and my relationship communication was really important, and I knew it would be the same in everything else. I had to do this. If I didn't, my life would never change.
I groaned and sat up, hiding my face in my hands as I remembered the fun Zell, Janine, and I had that morning working out in the Training Center. She was so open and out there. Like Zell, but not. She was more like Seifer. Saying what she thought. Of course, she would apologize in a round-a-bout way if she thought she had hurt my feelings. I wanted to be like her. Not exactly, but close.
My shoulders slumped and I lowered my gaze to my ring. My half of Zell's 'tattoo'. I gave it a rub while hearing his voice say 'Kitten, I hate seeing you all twisted in knots. Just go to Seifer and talk to him. I swear he won't beat your ass or laugh at you. It's his job to listen to you, and he does his job. '
I sighed deep and stood. Okay, sweetie. I will. I turned and stepped hesitantly toward Seifer's office. I felt like I was walking to my death. And when I saw all the reports all over his desk, I felt even worse. I mean, Seifer was always so busy. Sometimes I wondered if he even left the office to sleep. I had offered once to help, but he'd threatened to call Zell and have him drag me out.
I took in a deep breath and stammered "Sir?"
Seifer looked up and raised an eyebrow. "What, Regal?"
"Um, well." I felt a pain in my hand and glanced down--I lowered my hands quickly to my side. "I, uh." Zell, help.
Seifer frowned and waved me in. "Shut the door," he ordered.
I closed the door and hesitantly stepped forward to sit in the chair across from him. Seifer leaned back, coffee in hand as he prompted "Problem?"
I clasped my hands in my lap to keep from pulling my hair out. "Sir, I don't think Fu--I-I mean, I don't think she likes me."
"Regal, Ahndra only 'likes' two people. Don't take it personal."
"But." I slowly raised my eyes from my clasped hands. "But." 'Kitten, please?' I pushed the words out. "She doesn't even respect me."
Seifer held my gaze as he slowly set down his mug, and he actually looked thoughtful.
Maybe I was wrong? "D-Does she?" And I couldn't help but hope.
Seifer tapped his desk a couple times before standing and making his way to his office door. He opened it, but I couldn't make myself turn around to see what he was doing. A few moments later I heard steps approach and enter. I swallowed hard. Zell. I could have really used his hand in mine right about now.
"Sit," Seifer ordered.
Ahndra made her way to the other chair. Seifer came to lean back against his desk. He crossed his arms. "Regal," he prompted.
I felt the blood rush out of my head so fast that I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't look up from my hands. "Sir." But I couldn't beg Seifer Almasy to do this for me. Then he wouldn't have respected me.
"Regal, now."
I felt the tear burn a humiliating trail down my cheek, so I quickly wiped it away. "Ma'am, do you-- " I sniffed and forced myself to looked over at her "--What should I do to make you respect me?"
Ahndra blinked and shifted her focus to Seifer. "I don't understand."
Seifer motioned to me. "So tell her," he snapped.
I was actually able to hold Ahndra's returning gaze. "I can do this job, Fuj--I mean, Ahn--Ma'am, I can. Really." I sniffed again, desperation making the tears come faster. "I try not to make mistakes. And I try to do what you want as fast as I can." My vision clouded, and I wiped the tears from my face and eyes. "Is it just me? Because I'm so scared of everything? Because I'm shy?"
Ahndra just stared at me, shocked, or maybe she was mortified? I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I wanted to impress her. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to think of me as more than a librarian.
"Your work is acceptable," she finally said.
"Ahndra, damn," Seifer snapped.
She glared at him before looking back at me.
I lowered my gaze with a choked "Oh." I was acceptable. My throat tightened. Acceptable.
"I do not--" Silence. "I respect you, Regal," she confessed in a tight tone.
I looked up at Ahndra with wide eyes. "You do?" I hiccupped between tears.
"You are fast. You are thorough. You don't complain. You do more than what you are assigned."
The words sunk in like butter on toast, and they felt just as warm. I smiled, tears coming faster. "Really?" I squeaked.
Ahndra adjusted her crossed arms and briefly glanced toward me before looking away again. "Yes."
I could only smile. She respected me. She thought I was fast and thorough. She respects me! And that made me feel awesome.
I calmly wiped the tears from my face as I stood. "Thank you," I whispered. Then I looked at Seifer. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate it."
Seifer waved it aside and gruffly ordered "Leave early, Regal. That's an order."
I giggled. I couldn't help it! "Yes, sir." And I practically floated toward the door, turning to send them another smile and another pair of "Thank you"s before closing the door behind me.
I slumped back against it and hid my face in my hands. Tears flowed, but I didn't care. Ahndra 'Fujin' Kelley, Chief Special-Ops Investigator respected me: Sally Regal, Special Security Officer.
Life's Lessons on Stress Page 35