by Rachel Dove
Irvin burst in the room. ‘I’ve lost the plot? I’ve lost the plot? Who are you kidding, woman? You dress like a clown now! Did she tell you she’s taking dance lessons, with a man who wears T-shirts down to his belly button?’ He jabbed at his own belly button, and Lily noticed his once rather portly belly was now looking a lot flatter. ‘And she punched me in the face! Damn self-defence classes have turned her into a bloody ninja turtle!’
Stuart snorted beside her, and Lily jabbed him in the side with her elbow. He coughed, rubbing the spot. Her mother and father were arguing now, completely oblivious to the fact that they were even stood there.
‘At least he knows how to dress. You have had the same shirt and trousers combination since the Seventies! Homer Simpson has a bigger wardrobe than you!’
‘Oh really! Well Sam thinks I look distinguished, so maybe you don’t have the best taste yourself! You bought me the clothes!’
Lizzie tore off her pinny, wringing it between her hands as though it was Irvin’s neck.
‘I bought your clothes because you are lazy! You don’t even ring the dentist yourself, and as for the jobs around here, well I could welcome death before you did the guttering!’
‘Oh if only!’ Irvin shouted, throwing his arms up in the air in exasperation. ‘I would spend the rest of my life doing DIY if it meant getting some peace and quiet from you!’
‘Stop!’ Lily screamed, making all three of them jump.
She pulled away from Stuart, pushing past her parents to stand in the hall. They followed her, each one looking sheepish.
Lily grabbed her bag from where she had dropped it near the doorway.
‘I can’t do this any more. I can’t be this little person. I have changed, and none of you have any idea what’s going on with me.’
‘You have changed, my girl – you just moved out without so much as a thank you for everything we have done for you, teaching you the business, giving you the shop.’
‘Giving me?’ Lily said, incredulous. ‘I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong what you just said to me is. I worked in the shop every spare minute I had since school, and I bought the business, remember? I have a mortgage. I didn’t want to live here any more. All you and Dad do since you retired is fight, and now you are off with other people?’
Irvin looked down at the floor, and Lizzie straightened her hair, looking away. Stuart was stood behind them, looking at her like she had grown a second head. He stepped forward, looking from Irvin to Lizzie.
‘Stuart,’ Lily said softly. ‘People set a date to get married together, not in secret.’
‘I did it as a surprise, Lily. You kept saying that you wanted to set a date. I decided to speak to my parents. I have plans now. Dad is looking for sponsors for me, people to coach me. We can get married in March, hit the start of the season running. We can do a whole publicity thing about the wedding – Dad has a PR firm we can use.’
He stepped forward slowly, hands out palms down like a hostage negotiator. Her parents glared at each other, before retreating to their usual rooms. Lily pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers.
‘You want us to get married, with everyone watching, in a month?’ She looked at the man she had known for so long, and realized that she didn’t really know him at all. ‘We haven’t even lived together, Stuart; we have slept over together a handful of times. We live separate lives.’
Stuart nodded. ‘I know that, and I blame myself. I know you haven’t felt yourself lately, and I think with your birthday and everything, maybe you have had your head turned.’
Lily’s eyes widened. He meant Will.
‘I haven’t …’
He stepped closer, shushing her. ‘I know that you haven’t cheated, Lily. That’s not you. I have been neglecting you lately, and I get it now.’
He walked closer, looking her in the eye.
‘I can get him some work, you know. The golf club is looking for a gardener. It’s a lot of work. I get you have been helping him set up round here. It’s just like you – helping others; but we can leave here. You can come with me, as my wife.’
Lily felt like her head was going to explode.
‘What about the shop?’ she murmured.
Stuart rolled his eyes. ‘I think your parents would run it for a while – they obviously need it. We can sort that out later, once we settle somewhere. Dad will help.’
He reached for her hand, bringing it up in between them and touching her engagement ring with his finger.
‘Don’t answer now, just think about it.’
She nodded, feeling numb. Her parents hadn’t resurfaced, but she could hear the television upstairs, and it sounded like her mother was demolishing the kitchen, pot and pans clanging.
‘I have to go,’ she said and Stuart nodded. The dopey hopeful look on his face reminded her of the Stuart she first met, although he hadn’t been there in a long time. Perhaps he never was. Maybe the Stuart she first met had just been the one she wanted to see, and the reality of him was what she was left with now.
She walked out of the front door, letting it close behind her.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Roger was open-mouthed the following morning.
‘You did all that in a day, and you still got out of bed this morning? How did you do it?’ He rubbed her arm and she rested her forehead on his shoulder as they sat side by side at her desk. ‘What are you going to do?’ He stroked her hair, which she had tied into a neat plait, to match her relaxed look of denim dungarees, white T-shirt, and pink cardigan.
‘I don’t know,’ she moaned, wiping a tear away from her eye. ‘It’s a mess. Stuart knows about Will, and he offered him work, but it sounded like it was on the proviso of my becoming a March bride and running off to watch him do his thing on the golf course.’
Roger didn’t respond immediately, but she could tell he wasn’t happy.
‘I didn’t ask that. I want you to think about what you want, not your parents, Will, or Stuart. You don’t have to answer to people any more; you are a strong independent woman.’
Lily groaned, giving him a hug before pulling away. ‘You sound like a Beyoncé song.’
Roger laughed, flicking his hand one way then the other in a signature Beyoncé move. ‘Don’t knock Sasha Fierce.’
Lily rolled her eyes. ‘Roger, will you watch the shop for a while? I need to go see someone.’
Roger pulled her off her stool, and moved her to the door before she could protest. ‘That, my girl, is a sterling idea.’ He pulled her coat off the peg, holding it out for her. She put her arms in, and Roger pushed her bag into her hands. ‘Out you go.’
Lily threw her arms around her friend and planted a big smacker on his cheek.
‘Thanks, Rog, I do not know what I would do without you.’
He beamed at her, holding out her car keys. ‘Lucky for you I am not going anywhere. Now go.’
Lily took the keys from him and headed for the van. She had to see Will. She flew up to the estate as fast as her little pink van would negotiate the country lanes, turning up the long drive and parking next to the foundation. She noticed Will’s jeep parked outside Archie’s cottage, and she knocked at the door. There was no answer.
Frowning, she turned to the main house. She headed to the door, knocked, and was rewarded by the sound of Agatha’s huge hounds barking. Taylor opened the door, smiling when he saw her.
‘Lily, come in. Are you looking for Will?’
Lily stayed at the doorway, nodding. ‘Yes I am. I’m really sorry to interrupt.’
Taylor shook his head. ‘Don’t be daft, you aren’t interrupting.’ He held the dogs back as best he could, finally managing to push their enthusiastic noses back behind the door. He jumped forward, closing it behind him. Lily could hear them whining behind the door, sniffing loudly.
‘Sorry about them,’ he said, laughing. ‘Agatha is at New Lease of Life today with the girls. The dogs miss he
r when she’s not here.’
Lily nodded distractedly.
Taylor pointed to the top field, up far past the cottage. ‘Will’s up there working today, love. Archie went into town for some feed and supplies.’
Lily started to walk away, eager to see him.
‘Thanks, Taylor, sorry again for bothering you.’
He looked at her kindly. ‘Lily love, before you go up there, I think you should know something.’
Lily stopped dead.
‘Will is a good man, and he isn’t a man who hurts people either.’ He gave her a small sad smile when he said it. ‘Not intentionally, anyway. I do believe he cares for you.’
Lily said nothing, waiting for him to continue, but he pointed to the field again.
‘Off you go, love. I just wanted you to know that, and remember it. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ she replied, and waving at him she set off walking. The sun was shining onto the green fields, and Lily could feel the warmth of the sun on her back as she made her way round the cottage to the fields beyond. She thought of her parents, living their lives together so close and happy, for it all to fall apart years later. That was the thing with for ever: it was a long time for some, but not enough for everyone else. They’d let everything fall apart when they should have been enjoying their peace together, seeing the world like they wanted to. Her parents had loved each other deeply for over thirty years, and they still hit a bump in the road. What chance did she and Stuart have, when she didn’t even like him half the time?
Opening the gate to the fields, she saw Will in the distance, and the air caught in her throat. Lily looked at the man before her, the man she had been spending so much time with, and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. A wall was between them, a glass barrier only she could see. It was full of words, sentences scrawled across them in fine spidery writing. Words she couldn’t say to him, couldn’t pluck from the wall to put in her mouth. It was so real, she wondered how Will didn’t feel it. She half expected to hit the hard partition as she walked down the path to meet him.
She could see him past the trees, walking down in his own relaxed way, the wheelbarrow in his hands looking like it weighed nothing. In his capable hands, she knew it didn’t. Many a time when working together they had brushed against each other with their hands, arms, and fingers. He was solid, dependable, and stoked a fire within her that no one ever had.
She thought of all the romantic books she had devoured over the years, and she felt as though she was finally living one of her own. She had passed through a stone to find her Jamie, had braved the moors for Heathcliff, had showed her big girl pants to Mark Darcy. She was ready to stand in front of a boy and ask him to love her, actually.
She knew him now, better than she felt she knew anyone. Even Stuart was a mystery to her compared to him. She felt as though she had known Will Singer always, and their meeting was not just something that was bound to happen, it was meant to be.
She sensed a sadness there sometimes, but she trusted him to tell her about it when he wanted to. He never mentioned any family aside from Archie and she wondered whether he had anyone in his life. Maybe it was loneliness, but she got the feeling it was much more. She wanted to help, and she knew that whatever it was, they could deal with it together. As she walked closer, wellies squelching in the mud, he turned to her. He grinned at her in surprise.
‘Hey!’ He laughed. ‘I was going to nip and get breakfast soon at the café, bring you a coffee. You might even have been treated to a bacon butty with brown sauce, just how you like it!’ He laughed again, brushing his curly hair back off his face. She felt sick, and her returning laughter came out like a cat in distress. He frowned, walking closer to her with concern. ‘Lily, are you …’
She cut him off. She didn’t trust herself to speak, but she bloody well summoned every inch of energy and va-va-voom to stride right up to him purposefully, place her shaking hands on either side of his stubbly chiselled face, and put her lips on his. He froze momentarily, and she was just starting to pull back in terror when he threw his body even closer to hers and drew her into his strong arms. He held her firmly across her lower back with one toned arm and pushed the other hand into her hair, giving it a little tug before caressing her head.
He deepened the kiss, pushing her lips open further with his tongue, and she responded. She moaned at the sheer happiness of the contact, and she ran her fingers through his curls, resting one of her hands on the nape of his neck. His skin was soft, but she couldn’t think of anything but the warmth she felt from him, the sheer explosion of feelings the kiss ignited. It was the hottest minute and a half of Lily’s life bar none, till it stopped.
‘Lily,’ Will breathed, and Lily pulled him closer. ‘Lily,’ he said again, his voice hoarse. ‘Lily, we have to stop.’ He broke his mouth away from hers, and took a step back. Lily opened her eyes, feeling drunk from the kiss, and she could tell Will was feeling the same effects.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, her voice a cracked whisper as she caught her breath. He looked at her then, and what Lily saw in his eyes shattered her heart. He looked stricken, upset.
Oh no. I did it. I did it, and he doesn’t want it.
Will took a half step closer, changing his mind and putting his feet back together.
‘Lily, we can’t.’ His voice sounded off, far away, and Lily felt her head swim.
‘Stuart?’ she tried. ‘I know I am engaged, but to be honest, since I met you, even before then I …’
‘Lily, I can’t do this. I am so sorry.’ He looked at his feet and Lily realized he looked guilty.
‘Why?’ she asked, or rather her voice tried to. She cleared her throat, willing herself to woman up. ‘Why?’ Her voice held, and it came out like a blunt projectile.
Will winced. ‘I’m not free.’
Not free? What the hell did that mean? He made himself sound like an escort.
‘I’m not free either,’ she agreed, taking a step forward. She stopped dead when he took a step back away from her. He looked so upset, so unlike the Will she knew and …
‘I will never be free, Lily. I can’t do this. I am so sorry. I should never have given you the impression that this could happen. I … have a … Kimberley. You know I do. It’s complicated, and I never wanted to hurt you.’
He was stumbling over his words, but when he said her name Lily wanted to die. She had an image of the guy in the club, Ryan, bloody and sneering, talking about Kim. Right then and there, she wanted her wellies to explode, the ground to shake, freak sheep accident, anything. Any scenario where she could be gone from here and never hear that name again.
‘Why … why … didn’t you say something? I just thought you meant you were seeing someone. You never mention her …’
She stopped talking when she saw his fists clench by his sides. She felt angry, awkward. She was being dumped before she even said a word about how she felt, and now she was demanding answers like a crazy person. She felt a tear spring up in her eyes, and she quickly brushed it away, jamming her fingernails into her thighs as she tried to control her emotions.
‘I’m sorry,’ she started.
***
Will kept his fists clenched by his sides in an effort not to take the two steps that formed a canyon between them and kiss those tears away. He had put them there, and he fucking hated himself for it. You stupid bastard, he thought to himself as she apologized to him. Tell her. Open your mouth.
He said nothing though, and Lily gave him a weak watery smile.
‘Please forgive me, Will, and forget this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll put things right, I promise.’
She was walking then, half running, her wellies signalling her departure from his side. He saw her break down, crying as she left his side. His proximity. His life. He could just tell her. Right now. Stop her, take her in his arms, tell her everything. Take a chance, for once in your life.
He turned to go after her
but stopped cold. Even if she knew, it didn’t change a thing. He wasn’t free. He watched her go, willing her to turn around, but she kept walking, head held high, shoulders set now. It was only later, when he was back hard at work, that he realized he was crying too.
***
Lily’s phone had been ringing in the drawer nonstop for the best part of two hours. Roger never said a word when she came back to the shop. It was pretty obvious to him where she had been, and how it had gone. She disappeared upstairs, and when she came down he could tell she had been crying. She looked devastated, but she set to work, plastering on a smile and small talk for the clients and dealing with all the orders.
When the shop was quiet, she went and sat at her desk, drawing in silence. Just after five, the shop phone rang and Roger answered it as he was putting his coat on.
‘Good afternoon, Love Blooms, Roger speaking.’
***
Lily couldn’t hear what was being said, but from the way Roger looked at her she could tell that it wasn’t someone who’d forgotten an anniversary.
She got up, sighing, and walked over to the phone. Roger kissed her on the cheek, passing her the phone and making a quiet exit. Lily held the cordless phone in her hand, starting to walk to the door, when a face appeared through the glass.
‘Argh!’ she squeaked before she saw it was Will. She looked at him through the glass, and he looked at her, so longingly her heart felt like it squeezed in her chest.
‘Lily, what’s going on?’ The voice down the phone was filled with panic. She opened the door, pressing her finger to her lips. Will nodded solemnly, coming in and flicking the catch closed behind him. ‘Are you okay? I’m on my way.’
‘No, no,’ she protested. ‘I dropped something on my foot, that’s all. I am busy closing up, and going to bed early tonight. I’m fine, don’t come over.’
Will was looking over at her desk, and she watched him as he slowly walked over, picking up drawing after drawing and looking at them.