No. No Jay wasn’t. Madness to think he might hide his emotional turmoil from Jay. Stupid even to try.
“Whatever it is, I don’t mind.” Jay’s gaze searched Dean’s. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready. We’re fine.”
How was Jay so damn patient? How did he show such understanding? What had Dean done to deserve such a partner? Nothing as far as he knew, though Jay might argue.
Dean ran his fingers through Jay’s now much-shorter hair loving it no less. Loving Jay no less.
“I’ll sort things out…soon,” Dean promised. Jay nodded in answer. “Real soon.”
No doubt about it. He had to.
Chapter 11
“In our last session you claimed selfishness, but you were out of here the moment you heard Jay was in trouble.”
“Don’t tell me that’s admirable. I consider it normal.”
Candice was nodding, a small, enigmatic expression on her face. “Should I ask?”
Dean wasn’t prepared to discuss Jay without Jay’s knowledge. “Family issues. Particularly upsetting ones.”
She stared for several seconds before saying, “We’ll move right along then. Do you want to hear of the textbook cases of women who discover their boyfriends are bisexual?”
Not really. Fortunately, he knew better than to say so aloud. He gave a noncommittal shrug.
“What’s that? A yes or a no?”
He should have known Candice would force a response out of him. “I don’t see it’s relevant. It’s not as if I have a girlfriend.”
“We’ll get to that.”
Huh? What did she mean?
“Allow me to throw a few facts at you to contemplate. One of the first things many women have to handle when they first discover their man is bisexual, or their woman, if they are in what they thought was a lesbian relationship, is the fear of abandonment. It’s a major issue that needs confronting.”
“I thought disgust would be the major issue.”
“Some people react that way, especially if they have personal conflicting beliefs. For others, it’s an instant walk away.”
He understood that. Was nodding. “I guess for many they never get to the confession. There must be ways to drop hints to see if the other person is open to it.” His position had gone beyond that. “I’m somewhat lucky. I mean, had I been in a real relationship with a woman and developed feelings for a man then I wouldn’t have known how to tell her. I couldn’t imagine where to begin.”
“You can’t imagine it being difficult the other way?”
What did she…? Oh. she meant now he was with Jay, what if he developed feelings for a woman. “No. I told you I won’t do that to Jay. For another he at least knows I still like women.”
“Suggesting he’d be open to you having other needs.”
Dean didn’t know what to say.
“Getting back to my point, the…injured party,” Candice chose the word carefully there, “suffers not only from emotional pain, but from fear. The immediate focus is on their own feelings, not the man or woman who has just admitted their bisexuality. This can be a very difficult moment for the person who has confessed. They’ve put what may be a secret from family and friends into another’s hands.”
Did Candice believe him that dim? “You don’t have to lead me every step of the way. I understand. It may have repercussions that ripple through their home life, damage their position at work, threaten livelihoods, and he or she may have taken the risk for nothing. The confession might meet with aggression, out-and-out violence, the disgust I mentioned.”
“Quite. And with that comes the accusations. Patients I’ve counselled often tell me stories of being called cheats even if they’ve never acted on their desires, and liars for not confessing sooner, though to do so may have been a huge risk. Those who have remained silent for a long time out of fear have often previously lived with escalating guilt. Both are hurt, often focus on nothing but their emotional pain. Sometimes that pain is too intense, too damaging for reconciliation. The interesting thing here is that the person, who has come out as bisexual, doesn’t dismiss the other person’s hurt feelings but suffers a sense of rejection because of having that hurt often cruelly thrown at them. It’s terrible to consider your partner has deceived you, but imagine how the bisexual person feels having put themselves in a vulnerable position.”
“Sounds as if you’d make a good defence lawyer.”
“I’m not defending the actions. I’m making a case for understanding the reasons of why bisexuals hide their desires in the first place. In fact, I’d say to refer to their feelings as desires, is inaccurate. It goes deeper than that. While bisexuals may experience a stronger emotional or physical attraction to one sex more than the other, being drawn to both sexes is still part of their inherent personality.”
“Just as a person is born gay or straight.”
“I would say so.”
Dean ignored the fact there were those who would dispute those things. He wasn’t one of them. “Okay, but where does this pertain to me? Whether I was born straight, gay, or bisexual, shouldn’t I have been aware from an early age?”
“Are you sure you weren’t?”
“I told you I never—”
Candice raised her hand, stopping his protest. “I’m not referring to sex. You say you’ve never been with a man other than Jay and it doesn’t matter whether I believe you, but I do.” She emphasised that last, fast, as Dean opened his mouth. “I may be wrong, but my intuition says you’re telling the truth. That isn’t important. Tell me, on a scale of say one to ten, one being male and ten female, where would you put yourself if I asked whether you prefer men or women sexually? Try not to think too hard.”
He was thinking too hard. The moment she asked, his mind raced. He tried to answer honestly, surprised by the outcome. “Seven.”
“So you’re saying you find women physically more attracting than men.”
“For the most part.”
“And Jay’s physical attributes are rather…feminine?”
“Somewhat. He’s fairly asexual, actually. Long hair. Pretty.” Of course, he’d cut it now, but most would still say Jay’s hair is long. What was she getting at? “He’s not a substitute for a woman.” He refrained from saying Jay had a dick, and he never forgot that.
“I’m not saying he is. Answer me another question. On the same scale where do you place yourself when considering emotional attraction?”
Dean opened his mouth to say he was also a seven, at most a five. He got on with women and men the same. He stopped. As if from a distance, he heard his voice, “Three, maybe two.”
He expected Candice to impart a revelation now, but she did nothing but sit there. “Are you saying Jay fulfils my needs? Emotionally? Even if true, I’m not sure I’d have thought of emotional needs as more important than physical.”
Why not, though? Could Candice be right?
“We’ve established you need more than that. In our talks, you’ve given me no sign you specifically miss having sex with women, only that you stay attracted to them. What we’ve established is your fear that you’ll wake up one day and have to handle a sudden longing. As far as I can tell, without speaking to him, Jay has no abandonment issues; it’s more a case of you fearing you will abandon him.”
Dean forced himself not to squirm in his seat.
“None of that is why I asked you to place yourself on a scale. Set your relationship with Jay aside. Have you placed yourself on that scale owing to your relationship with a man, or would you have said the same before it began?”
As irritating as he found these questions, after a couple of steadying breaths, Dean managed serious thought. “About the same.”
“So, emotionally, you enjoy hanging with men as opposed to spending time in the company of women. Women are all about bed.”
“More or less.” Dean’s gaze flitted over books and ornaments, a few placed for purpose, and a number for effect, he was sure. Most played a role as in
spiration for a calm atmosphere. He felt anything but calm. He sought…a way out, maybe. “Fine. Maybe you’re right.”
“My being wrong or right doesn’t come into this.”
Wasn’t that like a shrink? “So…what? I spent all this time and cash, for you to decide there’s a good chance I’m bisexual and always have been. Like I needed to come here to discover that.”
“Sounds as if you did.”
He wanted to slap her for that even though he never would.
“Dean, you appear to want me to fill in every blank. To fit you into a convenient box. To tell you what you are, and what you are not. We’ve addressed this. I can’t do that. No one can. It’s not the purpose of counselling. It’s not about finding the right slot, pushing you in. There. Click. You don’t believe in a ‘gay for you’ scenario yet insist you cannot be gay because you still find women interesting. What I’ve done today is make you examine what part of your life female companionship has or hasn’t fulfilled.”
“So emotionally I feel closer to men and physically closer to women. That solves nothing.”
“Maybe it helps to clarify your confusion over your feelings, or will in time.”
“To what end? Fine. I’m bisexual. Let’s say I accept that. Why then have I been with no other men?”
“You’ve been close to them. Watched them have sex. You’ve been curious.”
“But I didn’t act on it.” Out of fear. He didn’t say. He didn’t understand where fear came into this. Or maybe he did. Out of bewilderment and fear, he’d ended up here, attracted to both sexes and not knowing how to balance the two.
“But why Jay? For once, break the stupid counselling rules. I’m asking for your opinion.”
Convinced she wouldn’t reply, he jumped when she spoke.
“I’ll answer if you first use the same scale of one to ten, Jay being ten, physically and emotionally, where do you place yourself?”
Dean didn’t even hesitate. “Nine.”
“So Jay is the most fulfilling relationship you’ve ever had. Why Jay? I say because you love him. Because you always have. Emotionally you’ve always been close. Physically, while you still find women attractive, you said it yourself. He’s somewhat asexual. Physically, he attracts you. Throw in good sex and a happy home life and it’s a win.”
“So why didn’t I make it a ten?”
“You’re implying there’s something wrong with a nine. No relationship is perfect, and a part of you may always appreciate women. If you think lifelong commitment and love requires a ten, you’ll never find happiness. Love isn’t about perfection. Love isn’t finding a…a mannikin or clockwork doll to do your bidding.”
“So nine is bloody good?”
“Nine is excellent.”
Seconds passed during which Dean allowed that to sink in.
“You said you didn’t think understanding how women feel applies to you.”
He’d forgotten. “It doesn’t.”
“What about April?”
She lost him there.
“Don’t you think understanding how women feel might explain her reaction to you? She and Jay are close, and she is a girl, in your life. It’s a relationship if not a romantic one.”
“I hadn’t thought. I suppose…” Now she mentioned it…”I guess it might clarify how others see me. How the…the women I’ve been with may view me.”
“Now you’ve come out?”
He nodded.
“Some may feel the same way female partners in relationships feel. Most women still love their man. They hurt. They feel betrayed. Many may never accept the reasons the man didn’t come out with the truth sooner. The woman focuses too much on herself, on what has happened to her to consider why this was difficult to do. Understandable, but it doesn’t help to save the relationship, if the woman wants to save it. Many worry over whether the man is gay. Many struggle to believe or at least understand bisexuality.”
“So they have a problem believing their boyfriend might be anything other than gay?” April’s problem with him implied the opposite. She seemed convinced he’d drift back to women. Or maybe not. How long could a phase be considered a phase? She must believe his feelings for Jay by now. If April had accepted his bisexuality, no doubt she still saw him potentially cheating on Jay. He said so.
“I’ve yet to read a documented case where the woman hasn’t at least wanted to try to save the relationship. What they fear is abandonment. April fearing you will abandon her brother is understandable. Which is the crux of your real problem.”
Dean said it for her. “Monogamy.”
Candice neither confirmed nor denied. “We’ve skirted around this question but is there no chance Jay would allow you a relationship with a woman?”
“Share?” Dean shook his head. “Doesn’t matter if he did. I won’t.”
“You sound decided. So why do you have doubts?”
“Others doubt me.”
Candice dipped her head. “You don’t strike me as the sort to accept what others think of you or to care. If you have doubts, they’re yours to own and to deal with.”
Harsh, though true. She didn’t give him breathing room.
“What would you say is the heart of the matter…now?”
Dean took a moment. “Still monogamy. Only…Jay requires it, but so do I. I need me to be faithful. I can’t have a relationship any other way. Not with Jay. Not with anyone. I’ve never screwed around, not when I was with someone. Didn’t matter if it were a night, or a week, or a month, or a year. While I was with a woman I was with her, and only her. I’m not treating Jay any other way. I’m not inclined to cheat, never have been, but I accept I still find women attractive, and I fear the attraction coming between us one day.”
He sat under Candice’s gaze, blowing searing and glacial. She wouldn’t give him a clear answer—but he hoped.
“There’s someone I’d like you to talk to if you wouldn’t mind.”
He’d told her he didn’t want to see anyone else but she pre-empted his protest.
“Not a professional. A bisexual woman in a monogamous straight relationship. It can be here or elsewhere; I can be present or not as you prefer.”
“Why?”
“Most of your sessions swing back to fear, to a personal…” She swung the pen she held first one way then back again, as if stabbing at a list in the air. “Loathing. Fear of what might happen, of what you might do. So far, you’ve provided me with no evidence to support your concerns. You’ve not been with a woman in over three years.”
Dean nodded.
“You’re not telling me you have any particular urge to interact with a woman sexually.”
“Well…no. Not now.”
“But you fear that urge may return? That you’re not gay?”
“I know I’m not gay. I still get pleasure from looking at women. I’m sure I’d find pleasure being with one.”
“Then the only thing you fear is possible inabilities to be exclusive, which as you see, is what Jay needs, what you, too, want. I can tell you’re resistant, but I don’t make the suggestion lightly. I believe Sophie’s perspective might surprise you.”
At this point he had nothing to lose.
Chapter12
The lobby of the hotel had an old-world atmosphere. Bellhops might appear from behind the ornate pillars any moment and, if he ordered afternoon tea, the sandwiches might well come with the crusts removed. If a bottle of drink or slice of cake were to appear, Dean would sip and nibble until he adjusted his size. Hard to tell why, but he felt out of place, though Candice might offer a psychological explanation. He wasn’t the only tall man around though he might be the broadest. The notion of everyone staring at him likely stemmed from the cause of his visit, not his bulk. Although he had a good reason for stepping into a hotel in the middle of the afternoon, doing so was too similar to having an affair.
The sensation grew worse when he glanced around, searching for a woman who matched the description provided by
Candice. Didn’t take long to spot her. Despite the warning to watch for a short, dark-haired woman, Sophie Shaw was far smaller than he had imagined. That she would be the one waving at him…He shouldn’t wonder why. Yes, he was recognisable. No doubt, Sophie looked for six feet two, eyes of blue, the width of a door.
He ambled over in a way that felt peculiar. When had he forgotten how to walk? Didn’t recall how to sit, so when he came to a halt in front of her, he stood…staring way, way down. Did he look awkward to her? Talk of contrasts. Most striking thing about her was her hairstyle, not a strand out of place, and so sharp it might have sliced him if he got too close, but her shining eyes softened the severity. Both seriousness and humour danced in her gaze. Sophie Shaw was both petite and perfect, but for once, the instant attraction was other than sexual.
“Dean Chapman, I presume.” She took one of his hands in both of hers and so started by surprising him. “I’m Sophie.” She let go of his hand, her smile rueful. “But you’ve worked that out. Sorry.” She lifted a hand to her hair as though intending to brush a strand behind an ear, the style too short for that. The gesture came across as girlish, supported by her glance at the floor. She laughed. “This is awkward.” One of her hands fluttered as a butterfly over the nearby table. “I hope you don’t mind. I was hoping you’d be on time so I ordered.”
A pot of tea sat on the table with what Dean called finger-food. Tiny wraps. Small cakes and biscuits. The crusts were in tact, but otherwise, the selection came so close to his imagination, he felt as if he’d passed through a looking glass.
“Nice hotel. Slow service for food so…” Sophie cocked her head to one side regarding the tray. “I’d forgotten how they did everything in miniature. There’s plenty of it, just small.” She cast her gaze over him as they moved to sit.
He had no trouble reading what went through her mind. His size, the tiny comestibles, each a mere swallow, made the food laughable.
“It’s fine. I can always stack enough to make a sandwich.”
Sophie giggled. After asking how he liked his tea, she poured. The scene struck him as all very…English. He sipped from the cup she handed over, afraid to hold the china too tight, the teacup as delicate as the pattern of roses painted on its exterior. The only thing they lacked was a garden.
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