I assumed that’s what guys like us did when they got out of jail, drank themselves stupid and buried their dicks into the first piece of ass they set their eyes on, but I didn’t want just anyone, I wanted her. I had to get her the fuck out of my head, but it wasn’t likely. I swallowed the lump that formed in the back of my throat as I pictured her beautiful face. I wondered if she’d had the baby yet, but couldn’t bring myself to ask. I’d find out soon enough. Soon enough I’d see the happy life the girl I loved was living. A life I had no part in, but a life we planned to have together.
Later that night Vic delivered just as Jimmy promised he would, throwing a bash like no other in my honor. A gesture of gratitude, thanking me for my time well served. I guess it was good to know that the three years I lost was appreciated, even if the job I set out to do was never completed. I suppose I should be thankful that it worked out how it did. I was spared having another man’s blood stain my hands, spared of taking a human life. That shit fucks with your head even long after the body is decomposing beneath the earth. Still, something was off with me because I was fucking sober despite the abundance of alcohol that had been shoved in front of me, none of it appealing. If I was being honest, the whole scene wasn’t anything I wanted to be a part of tonight. A cute piece of ass offered to come home with me, to give me a good fuck so I used her as the excuse to jet the fuck out of Vic’s bar. I didn’t take the chick up on her offer though. I dropped her off at a friend’s house and drove to my old apartment that Vic kept intact for me.
Vic was good when it came to keeping my affairs in order. He secured my apartment so when I came out I’d have a place to sleep and he even had my car waiting for me at the bar. It felt weird to be driving, but by the time I dropped the girl off I had a handle on it again. As I drove home, I realized that I liked the peace and quiet, figuring it was probably because I had been sheltered from the outside world for so long.
I parked my car in the assigned spot of my complex’s garage and made my way to the second-floor apartment. I tried to remember which key unlocked the door and why I had all these fucking keys anyway. On my third attempt, I unlocked the door and stepped inside, noting that nothing had changed as I took a quick glance around the apartment. It was as if time stood still for three years, too bad my apartment was the only thing that hadn’t been fucking destroyed in all this. I flicked the light switch on and that’s when I saw her sitting in the armchair in the corner of the room.
I took a step closer waiting for her to turn around, when she didn’t I figured I was fucking dreaming or I had lost my shit altogether. I walked further into the living room, my eyes zeroing in on her round stomach and my breath caught. She was really far along, I mean she looked like she was about to pop. My hands ached to reach out and touch her stomach, wondering what it would feel like or if I’d be able to feel the life growing inside of her. I lifted my gaze to her face and watched for a moment as she slept peacefully. She was always the most beautiful girl in the world, but Adrianna pregnant was beyond beautiful, it was just…there were no words.
She stirred, her eyes blinking as they opened and focused on me. I took a step backward for the first time realizing that she was sitting here waiting for me. She straightened up, one of her hands moving to rest on her stomach as she looked at me.
“Welcome home,” she whispered, annihilating me with those two words. I know she didn’t intentionally mean to fuck with me, but looking at her sitting in my apartment in the state she was currently in and welcoming me home completely undid me. It was as if she was waiting to welcome me home with open arms.
“What’re you doing here?” I asked her gruffly.
“I wanted to see you,” she whispered shifting her eyes downward.
“Yeah?” I huffed as I turned around unable to look at her anymore. I knew if I didn’t, I’d take her in my arms and fucking kiss her senseless; the way I dreamed of doing every day for the last three years. “You should’ve thought twice about that, considering your father had big plans for me tonight. It would’ve been an uncomfortable situation if I had brought a woman home with me.”
“I thought about that but risked it anyway.” She took a deep breath. “It wouldn’t be the first time I was back-handed by your actions.” Her voice took a bitter tone forcing me to turn around. She didn’t have the right to be bitter, not now, not in this moment, this moment was all mine. I was the one standing there looking at her pregnant with another man’s child. I was the one who was entitled to be bitter.
“Why are you here A? Don’t you have a man you should be with?” I tipped my chin towards her stomach. “Lamaze classes or whatever the fuck that couples do before they pop out a kid? Isn’t he wondering where you are?”
“Do you have to be so cruel to me all the time? I mean, don’t you get bored with pretending to hate me?”
“Who’s pretending sweetheart?” I said, trying like hell to sound malicious.
“You forget I see right through you Anthony, I always have,” she paused knowing very well that she had me there. Adrianna had always seen right through my bullshit. I had made a lot of attempts to make her hate me, thinking it was for her own good. She had seen through every last one of them.
“I don’t need this shit A, honest to God I don’t,” I said as I sighed, combing my fingers roughly through my hair. I looked at her for a moment watching as she struggled to stand up, using her hands to grip the arms of the chair. I shouldn’t have done it but I couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried, I extended my hand to help her to her feet.
“Thank you,” she whispered as she gazed into my eyes. “It’s getting harder to move around these days.”
I nodded not knowing what to say. My emotions were fighting to the surface, threatening to bring me back to a place in time I didn’t want to visit.
“Vinny, that’s the baby’s father, he’s not…,” she took a deep breath gathering the courage she needed to explain her situation.
“He’s in rehab,” sh shook her head.
“We aren’t together. I’ll be raising this baby by myself.” Her lower lip quivered as her eyes filled with tears, but to her credit, she didn’t shed a single tear.
“Don’t do that,” she scolded, poking her index finger into my chest.
“Don’t look at me like that. I don’t want your pity.”
“I don’t pity you.”
“Sure you do, it’s written all over your face,” she whisper-yelled, tilting her head to the side studying me intently. “And maybe there is a part of you that’s also happy thinking I got what I deserved.”
“Don’t say that,” I barked, shaking my head. “I never want to see you hurt.”
“Not by the hands of someone else—just you right?”
“You think I wanted any of this for you? For fuck’s sake, you were supposed to have a good life, and I was the one who was supposed to give it to you,” I yelled as I shook my head.
“Some good life.”
“Don’t talk about my baby like it’s a burden,” she retorted through clenched teeth, the dam breaking and the tears finally falling.
“That’s not what I meant,” I shouted. But the truth was I didn’t know what I meant. I didn’t want Adrianna in the situation she was in, pregnant and alone, not now and not then. I glanced down at her belly and again I fought the urge to place my hand over it as I felt my eyes fill. I wanted to be the man who made all her dreams come true. I wanted to give her a family, a home, a good life—but due to my choices, all she got from me was heartache. It was hard not to blame myself for her situation. She would never have wound up pregnant and alone if I hadn’t agreed to Victor’s orders.
“Anthony!” She shouted, pulling me away from my thoughts, forcing me to stare at her blankly.
“Did you hear what I said?” she cried, clutching her stomach. Looking at her, my eyes travel down her body and that’s when I saw a pool of water on the floor between her legs.
“My water broke!” She shrieked.
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I stared at her for a moment knowing I’d never forgotten that look of fear in her sad, brown eyes as long as I live.
“What’s that mean?” I asked, sounding like a complete imbecile.
“It means I’m having a baby and you need to get me to the hospital!” she replied with her jaw clenched and her body hunched over in pain.
“Kid’s got great timing,” I muttered before bending my knees and lifting Adrianna into my arms. I didn’t think twice about carrying her out of the apartment and hurrying down the stairs to my car. The only thing I focused on was getting her to the hospital as quickly as humanly possible. I had never been around a pregnant woman before, and I didn’t know the timeline and shit but I was fucking sure I didn’t want to get stuck delivering A’s kid.
I deposited her into the passenger seat of the car before jogging around to the driver’s seat. I started the car, peeling out of the garage as if I had just robbed a bank. I glanced at Adrianna out of the corner of my eye as she let out a shrill cry.
“Anthony, drive faster!” she begged me as she braced one hand on the dashboard. Her breath was coming in short pants and her face contorted with pain. I pressed down on the gas and grabbed her hand.
Everything faded away, all the pain, the heartache, the years lost, even the pretend hatred—it all just disappeared. The only thing that mattered was that this baby was coming, and it was my job to get Adrianna to the hospital so she could safely deliver her child.
She squeezed my hand tightly as tears slid down her cheeks. “Oh God, here comes another one,” she moaned in pain.
“Breathe baby,” I ground out as she mangled my hand.
“What do you think I’m doing?” she spat through gritted teeth.
Damn, maybe breathing wasn’t the answer. I tried to ponder another way to help through the pain.
“Do you have a name picked out?” I asked hoping that if I got her talking about the happiness of having a baby, maybe she wouldn’t harp too much on the pain factor. She didn’t answer me right away, so I thought I should quit while I was ahead and just get her to damn hospital.
“Francesca if it’s a girl and Luca if it’s a boy,” she said in between breaths.
“Nice Jewish names,” I responded with a smile. She turned around to look at me then, and I winked at her. “You always loved the name Francesca, still plan on calling her Frankie for short?”
“I’m not sure. I think I’ll know that once I see her face for the first time,” her contractions must have subsided because her voice was almost a whisper. I stole another glance at her, watching on as she caressed her belly through the fabric of her dress. Her eyes met mine, widening instantly as if she just realized something. “Anthony I’m having a baby. I’m going to be a mom,” she said, sounding frightened.
“I know baby,” I responded, giving her hand a soft squeeze. “You will do just fine,” I said reassuringly as I pulled up to Lutheran Medical’s Emergency room, not giving a damn that I parked in the fire lane. I lifted Adrianna out of the car and hurried through the automatic doors.
“We need some help here,” I yelled as I approached the front desk. “She’s in labor.”
“Okay who is the doctor?”
“Dr. Grant,” Adrianna answered as I sat her down in the wheelchair the nurse had brought around for her.
“Okay sweetie, we’ll page him right away. Let’s get you hooked up to a fetal monitor and examine you. Did your water break yet?”
“Yes,” Adrianna responded, looking even more scared than she had before. She turned to look at me, her eyes pleading with mine. “Please don’t go, I don’t think I can do this by myself.”
I stared at her knowing she was capable of nearly anything, even this, but I didn’t tell her that. I couldn’t walk away from her, not in this moment, not this time. I felt like I belonged by her side like someone had aligned this moment for us. I walked away from this girl before, had been apart from her for three years, but there was a reason I was there tonight, a reason she had gone into labor the night I returned home. I wasn’t about to turn my back on that. I would not turn my back on her and her baby when they needed me, even if it was just so she had a hand to hold onto when she delivered her child. Even though that child wasn’t mine.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said hoarsely, before bending down to press my lips to her forehead.
The next hour was a big blur as things moved quicker than I could process them. They moved Adrianna into labor and delivery to examine her. The nurse found her to be nine centimeters dilated—whatever that meant. They weren’t even sure if her regular doctor would make it in time to deliver the baby, that’s how quickly she was progressing. She was too far along for an epidural which made Adrianna even more upset—because giving birth without pain meds was apparently not part of her birthing plan. The nurse brought me a pair of scrubs and instructed that I put them on quickly. I had barely enough time to get the damn things on right before the nurse shouted to Adrianna that she was okay to push.
I was sure that there was a bunch of things I should’ve done; like call Victor and Grace to let them know their daughter was in labor. There wasn’t enough time, and I wasn’t about to leave A’s side. They wheeled Adrianna into the delivery room and as they hoisted her onto the table, fitting her legs into the stirrups, I glanced over at the nurse that was preparing the incubator. She placed a fresh blanket inside and turned on the heating lamps overhead signaling that a little life was about to be born. I swallowed hard turning back to Adrianna, she looked exhausted, sweat beading on her forehead as she moaned.
I knew from when we first started dating that this day would come, one day I’d hold her hand as she brought a child into this world, but I had pushed those thoughts out of my head the day Adrianna came to visit me in jail. I knew that I had lost her for good, she was someone else’s, and he’d be the one to see her give birth. Now, here I was, holding her hand and brushing her hair away from her face as she pushed for the first time.
“Oh my God, it burns so bad!” she screamed throwing her head back in defeat then shaking it uncontrollably. “I can’t do this, please someone stop it.”
“Look at me,” I demanded softly, waiting until she turned her gaze to meet mine. “You’ve got this Reese’s,” I whispered. Her nickname; I hadn’t uttered in so long, feeling foreign and familiar as it rolled off my tongue.
She started to cry as she stared at me.
“You haven’t called me that in years,” she whispered.
“Yeah well, it’s a special occasion,” I winked at her, taking her hand in mine.
“Let’s meet this baby, yeah?”
She waited a beat before nodding, lifting her knees to her chest and pushed with all her might. She let out a guttural cry and clutched my hand tightly. I didn’t know where to look, part of me wanting to stare in awe at Adrianna as she did this amazing thing. The other part wanting desperately to see this little life take its first breath. In the end, the baby won my attention as the doctor lifted this tiny bundle in the air as if it was a rubber chicken. The most beautiful fucking chicken I ever saw.
“It’s a boy!” he declared happily, as his cry filled the room.
I turned to Adrianna as she dropped back against the table crying tears of joy. I leaned down and kissed her cheek.
“He’s beautiful Reese’s,” I said, feeling so fucking proud of her.
“Come here, Dad,” the doctor said, the nurse nudged me, pushing me towards him and tearing me away from Adrianna. He lifted a pair of scissors to my hand and instructed me to cut the cord. I hesitated for about a millisecond before doing what he said. It wasn’t my place, but I had watched that baby be born, and that fucking did something to me. I may not be that kid’s father, I may never have a relationship with that baby boy, but he would forever have a place in my heart.
The nurses cleaned him up, then wrapped him in a blanket and put a little cap on his head before placing him in Adrianna’s waiting arms. I took
a step back, leaning against the wall as I watched the girl I grew up loving hold her son for the first time. I never thought I’d witness a moment so tender in my life, never thought I would be lucky enough, but God proved me wrong tonight.
I left the hospital sometime in the early morning after Victor and Grace had arrived, but not without one last peek at that baby boy. I spotted him in the nursery instantly, the only baby with a full head of hair. He really was a looker, but then again, he would be with a mother like Adrianna.
Luca Anthony Pastore was born weighing seven pounds, ten ounces and was twenty-two inches tall. I stared at that baby for quite some time before I left. I vowed always to look out for him. We had shared something tonight, the three of us, something that could never be erased no matter what the circumstances. Adrianna and her son gave me some homecoming, one I’m sure would always be carved inside my heart.
Chapter Two
June 2005
I was twenty years old, a high school dropout trying to find my way in the mob. I had options despite not getting my diploma. I could’ve gotten my GED or taken a job in construction like every other neighborhood kid that didn’t make it through school. No, that wasn’t the road I aspired to go down in life. Since I was twelve years old, all I wanted to do was be part of Victor Pastore’s world. The summer before my thirteenth birthday, my old man skipped out on my mom, sister and me, forcing us to move into a two-bedroom apartment across the street from the Valente’s. It didn’t take long for Mike Valente and me to become friends. Sure, he was five years younger but we both liked playing handball in the schoolyard down the block from where we lived. Despite the age difference, it was an easy friendship. Mike was all right for a seven-year-old, barely got on my nerves and his father was a fucking legend in our neighborhood. People called him Val, he was Victor’s underboss and known on the streets as one of the toughest motherfuckers in the mob.
Val was such a nice guy; it was hard to believe the rumors at first. I couldn’t imagine him being capable of removing someone’s eyeball with an ice cream scoop, all because the poor schlep didn’t pay Vic the money he lost in a card game. He knew my dad bailed on my mom. So he would always include me in whatever he was teaching his son; like how to throw a football or how to change a tire. He even taught me how to drive.
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