Out of the Storm

by Jillian Elizabeth

  “How far down the rabbit hole you want to get?” he asks me straight out, his eyes searching mine for an honest answer.

  “I'll go as deep as I need to,” I confirm.

  Nick shifts in his seat and I know he's worried I'm gonna start getting back into the stupid shit I used to for cases. His eyes drag over to Scott, and I know he's really looking to see if he's trustworthy. He's pretty good at seeing the genuine over a charade. Scott's the real deal and just wants to do good, create a legacy for himself. I don't like bringing him on shit he doesn't need to be in, but I need an ally.

  “Let me do some digging around and get in contact with some of my undercover friends around the area. You want deep, you're about to swim Avery,” he tells me. My stomach drops and my blood runs cold. I just nod and take a sip of water to quench my suddenly dry mouth.

  Chapter 11

  Andrea

  February has come up fast, it's been a constant go for both of us this year it seems. Carter is working a lot, I'm back to school, and I've started making appointments with Alicia again. The dreams are coming more often lately, and that's a little bothersome to me. I long for the restful sleep my body craves, but it betrays me when I shut my eyes.

  My first grade class is planning its Valentine’s party, so here I sit at the computer making a class list to hand out this week to my students. When I was younger, parties like this were so exciting. Picking your favorite and best valentines to give to your closest friends. Now the school frowns upon treats and things unhealthy. I’m thankful for the moms that take these head-on to help lighten my load, and the student teacher I have for the next few months.

  Been visiting with poor Chantal quite a bit lately. Her belly is so big! Those babies are constantly moving and doing their internal aerobics. She's not sleeping well between Nick leaving all hours of the night when work calls and just not being able to be comfortable. Her doctors think she may go early, but either way she's got a good few months before those girls are running the show on this side.

  Holly and I have gone shooting a few times and just been spending time together. I don't think she lets herself have many friends outside of work. She and her husband are still separated, and I know she's lonely. It's been a rough go for her the last four to five months. How she lost her daughter so tragically breaks my heart. Although she got to have her daughter for sixteen years and I held mine for only thirty minutes, I still feel her pain. I don't know the whole story with her husband, but I know she still loves him by the way she says his name. Her and Bobbie have some hurt to work through that each of them carry. I couldn't imagine each grieving apart rather than together.

  It's nice having someone come over when Carter is working. I like being home rather than going out, and I’m glad she’s the same way. Tonight we've decided to surf Netflix and sink into our plush sectional sofa we couldn't leave Art Van without.

  “How have your sessions been going?” she asks.

  “Good.” I turn fully toward her and smile. “She’s helped me return to me more times than I can count the last few years. She and Carter keep me balanced when I want to sink into myself.”

  “I know that feeling. I haven't let myself just sit and feel in so long. I know it isn't healthy to hold things in.”

  “She's amazing, Holly. Call Alicia and see her. She can help you too. I've found a kinship with her and it's easy to open up to her,” I tell her while grabbing her hand. I give it a squeeze and a small smile.

  I know she hurts, she's tough...but everyone can only be so tough for so long. “Think of what it could do for your marriage. Do you want it to work out? If so, then the time apart isn't going to make it any easier on the two of you. There’s hurt and pain and it's festering. Don't let it. Carter wouldn't let me even after all the time that passed with us apart. I'm doing the same for you. I want to see you truly happy, and I see the look on your face when you speak of him. You carry such a torch for the love and marriage you've shared for eighteen years,” I tell her, trying to relay with my eyes how she needs to hear my words.

  “Way to turn movie night heavy. I know you mean well and I will really think about it. I promise,” she tells me with a big smile and reaches over to hug me. “Thank you, Andrea. You've been a friend that I never thought I needed right now. I appreciate you, girl. But let's watch some sappy shit before your man gets back and wants you back already,” she says her eyes sparkling with humor.

  It's like she knows Carter so well. He doesn't share well, especially after a long day.

  **********

  Walking into the plush office of Alicia's, I'm welcomed with the calming eucalyptus smell she has throughout her office. Inhaling deeply, I let the calm wash over me as I sit and wait to be called.

  It had been months since I'd been here before just a few short weeks ago, but so much is the same.

  The neutral earth toned browns and taupe colors adorn the walls with abstract paintings displayed on a few. The plush armchairs in the lobby that no doubt calm nerves when waiting rather than the stiff chairs most offices have. I don't know what she will push through today, but she has such a calming way of just getting me to open up to her like she's a childhood friend and we are sharing secrets in the clubhouse.

  The large oak door across the hall opens and Alicia steps out into the hall. A woman leaves with tissues in her hands and gives me a small smile as she walks by. Alicia looks up to see me and just gives me her calming smile, her eyes catching with mine. She motions with her arm for me to follow her and stands holding the door as I get closer. She hugs me as I enter, and I'm suddenly calmer.

  There is such a natural state to her, she wears her dark hair down as it cascades around her shoulders, no makeup, and comfortable loose clothes as she tucks her bare feet under her in her large overstuffed chair. She's beautiful, and the sisterly love vibe she gives off feels like I have stepped into a yoga class rather than a therapist's office. Alicia is probably in her early thirties, but with the many diplomas adorning her walls, it's clear she's been at this a long time.

  “I'm so glad to see you've returned again. I worried when I didn't see you for so long, but we've really had a great few sessions and I was hoping you would return once again. I don't expect you to ever come here if you don’t feel you need to, Andrea, please know that. But I always want you to feel this a safe sanctuary for you to come to,” she tells me with the smile in her eyes.

  I sit down across the soft bohemian style rug from her and fold my hands in my lap. “I'm glad I've come too. Thank you for always making the time to see me, no matter the notice. I just feel like I need to be here right now. I don't want to lose myself again,” I tell her.

  Nodding, she opens up my file that sits in her lap. “Tell me, Andrea, why do you think you're having a hard time right now. I know you touched a little on some of your fears and the dreams you've had. Let's try to analyze where they are suddenly appearing from. I think getting to the heart of it will help you tremendously on this journey.”

  “The beginning of March marks Jacob’s birth and death day. I think it's weighed on my mind lately and is bringing some of the devastation back to my heart. The first anniversary last year was very hard, and it isn't going to be any easier this year. Please tell me this pain will ease some.”

  “I'm proud of you for knowing what a big trigger this is for you. That most definitely is the most devastating time in your life, and understandably so. But I think if we try a different approach, it may help you heal.”

  I am fearful in this moment of what she means by a different approach. My heart is already shattering just thinking of the sweet baby boy I never was able to carry to term. Trent stole that from me.

  “How has Carter been with you feeling this way? Is he supportive, understanding, and comforting?”

  “I haven't entirely let him in to how I'm feeling. He knows my fear of Trent’s impending and possible parole, but everything else I've kept inside. He knows me well enough to know I'm not myself,” I tel
l her. “But he also knows enough when I need to come and see you. I just don't want to break down again on him. It's not easy for him to see me that way. It trudges up an ugly time in our lives that we've moved so far past in the last few years.”

  “Andrea, I don't need to tell you how unhealthy that is, not only for yourself, but for your relationship.”

  I nod my head, disappointed in myself because I know this well. I just don't want to make things more difficult than they need to be.

  “Have you talked about your future together? Having a family? Marriage?”

  I can't hide the smile that lights up my whole face as I think of all the plans being made for our wedding in July. “We've set a wedding date for July 15th and I've started making plans. He's supportive and excited, but he's leaving it all to our moms and myself,” I say on a laugh. “We haven't talked about a family in years. I assume he wants those things with me still,” I tell her looking up to her at her nod.

  “What is the reason you think neither of you have approached that subject in the years since you've been back together?”

  Taking a breath and letting it out, I answer. “It's the heavy heart I carry still after losing my child. I know it wasn't my doing, but I fear that getting my hopes up to having one again will bring more destruction.”

  She looks puzzled, her eyebrows piercing together a moment. “I'm glad you've said that out loud. It's a fear you have greatly weighing on you that isn't healthy to keep carrying. We need to get you on a track of healthy healing and communication with Carter. These are things to work through as a couple as well, Andrea. You don't need to carry this load alone.”

  “I know how badly I hurt him when I was pregnant with another man’s child. I saw the hurt in his eyes and knew he wished we were sharing that together just like all of our other firsts. I need to be able to give him that. Please help me to be able to give my love everything in this world. He's already given me so much, and a love I never thought I would deserve from him again. “The tears are welling in my eyes as I look to my hands twisting in my lap.

  “Can we talk about your dream some more?”

  I hesitate, but nod.

  “Good. Can you tell me about after? The dream is always of the accident, but you close your mind off to after the accident every time this dream occurs to you again. Why do you think that is?”

  “My mind is being kind to the loss?”

  “That could be, but it just may help you heal. You said you were able to spend a small window of time with your baby. Think of his face, let him help you heal Andrea. He's safe now and cannot be harmed.”

  A sob escapes me at the thought of the tiny underdeveloped baby I could hold in the palm of my hand. I let my mind fall back to that day and the days that followed as I relive it all safely in Alicia's presence.

  Seeing Holly’s blonde hair peek into the truck as I screamed for help, bleeding and hopeless...she gave me that. Hope. She told me to hold on and that help was on the way. Carter too, since I kept screaming for him.

  The ambulance arrived and I was carefully removed from the car. As I was being pushed into the ambulance, he came- Carter. My angel of darkness coming to be my white knight.

  He came to me as I cried out for him, he held my hand and didn't let go. No words were said, they didn't need to be. Carter and I could always speak wordless conversations and this was no different.

  He rode with me to the hospital, and kissed my head as I was whisked away to emergency surgery. They needed to perform an emergency c-section to get Jacob out.

  I was so scared, shaking and crying. I didn't know what was happening. My face and wrist hurt very little compared to my heart….I was losing my baby, I knew it.

  Carter didn't leave my side even during the c-section and was the first to hold Jacob. I kept a connected eye with him as he did, and a flit of emotions ran across his face. Some I will never forget. The clench of his jaw held in all the anger, sadness, and awe.

  He looked to me and gave me his small smile, the one that always carries devastation but he doesn't want to be the one to tell me.

  That's when I heard the doctor say it ...“Not much time.” My baby wouldn't have much time and that's why he wasn't being whisked away. There was nothing left to do.

  I wanted to hold my baby if I only had a small window of time….I wanted to love him. My tiny purple tinged son that fits into the palm of my hands, the baby the doctors say won't live. I won't let them touch my wrist or face before I've had my time with my baby. I’ll never have this time with him again and it breaks my heart and splits my soul to know it.

  Carter handed me my baby, wrapped in a blanket way too big for his tiny little body. I just stared in awe and in pain at the little boy that now carried my heart on the outside of my body. I started to pull him to my chest. The nurse understood what I was doing and helped me pull down my gown to expose my breasts. With her help, I carefully placed Jacob against my skin and felt his tiny heartbeat against my own. Looking to her as the tears cascaded down my face, she nodded her head and turned to write in my chart, giving me my moment with my son. I didn’t miss the tears in her eyes as she did. No mother should ever hold her baby and know it's the last time. No one.

  Carter silently lent me his strength as he placed his large hand over mine, holding the tiny blanket to my chest. Just looking to him I crumbled and the sob escaped me violently. I couldn't catch my breath, it hurt so badly. He moved without thought to sit on the bed with me and dropped down to my side, nodding sadly in understanding.

  Looking into his eyes, I saw them shimmer. He was lost and didn’t know what to do in this moment. It's communicated all the same with a small nod.

  The odds weren't good that delivering at only twenty-four weeks that he would survive or be without complications. The silence was deafening as it stretched before me. I could hear the tick of the clock, the beeps of the monitors, my breathing in my ears. I was unaware of the amount of time that passed as I felt his tiny heartbeat getting weaker against mine beating wildly in my chest. I wanted so badly for my heart to make his beat. He had a small monitor on his foot to monitor his heart rate. I couldn't bear to look at the monitor to confirm what I already knew. The time was here.

  I kissed his tiny head and cried into the little crown that would no doubt have some hair if he had had the chance to develop further. The lights were so bright, they hurt my sensitive eyes in the sterile room made up of white walls, white floors, and white bedding.

  All I wanted was darkness and for it to swallow us up. Jacob, and Carter and me. And to just keep us there together. Carter rubbed my hand quietly while giving me my moment with my son. Hearing the monitor beep slowly, the nurse came over and switched it to silent. It was then I felt the final few beats of Jacob’s tiny underdeveloped heartbeat fade away. The lines on the monitor were flat, confirming what I already knew.

  My sweet baby boy that never had the chance to truly live was gone.

  Looking to the nurse and to Carter as I sobbed loudly, I cradled his tiny body tighter to mine. I didn't want them to take him away just yet, I needed a few more moments. She nodded to me and left the room, no doubt to let the staff know of my deceased child.

  Twenty-nine minutes…..that's the time I had with my son outside of my womb.

  The days that followed, I was in a daze. Trent was picked up soon after the truck was found with me inside, smashed to the tree. He had bailed after the crash, apparently not even phased. He was sitting in a cell, while I was standing in a funeral home preparing the final goodbyes. I had a few cuts to my head and a broken wrist on my right hand where I braced myself on the dashboard. My left one was protecting my child I couldn't protect. My parents had arrived at the hospital after Jacob was already gone, but I still clutched his lifeless body to mine hours later, just numb. They stood with me at the funeral home, as did Carter. I know he wanted nothing more than to go after Trent that night, but he chose to come to me, knowing I needed him. Him being with me in this was h
ard, but it means so much to me. More than I have the willpower to relay.

  The casket, which resembles more of a small ice chest, was closed. I didn't know that Carter had taken a few pictures on his phone to capture the time I had with my son, as did the nurse with his phone of the three of us, as well as Carter and Jacob. He somehow knew I would need to call upon these one day. He printed them for me and they were clutched in my hand as I stood there staring mindlessly just nodding my head or shaking it when I was spoken to. I don't think I really even heard what was said to me, I was on autopilot. Andrea had checked out and her shell was in its place.

  The service was small, which was what I had requested. Carter never left my side, even as I stood at the tiny casket for a final goodbye. The music switched from “Amazing Grace” to “Footprints in the Sand” by Leona Lewis. As I listened to the words standing there holding my stomach, my womb now empty, Carter put his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side.

  The words hit me then. “I promise you, I'm always there. When your heart is full of sorrow and despair. And I'll carry you, when you need a friend. You'll find my footprints in the sand.” I turned my face to his chest and gripped his shirt as the full sobs took hold of me. I cried the hurtful tears of pain into his chest as I crumbled in his arms. He caught me as my knees buckled and just rubbed his hand up and down my back, rocking me from side to side as he kissed the top of my head.