I could feel his own tears as they hit the top of my head and feel his stomach and chest contract with his own cry. I lost my child, and he grieved for me and with me. He held my son like he was his own and never left. I know now that he chose this, to communicate to me that he's here, and always had been.
Alicia hands me a Kleenex as the tears cascade down my face and I finishing telling her my story. The day my world stopped turning for a bit. Her sweet understanding eyes just meet mine with a small nod and a squeeze of my hand. I danced around this for the last few years but never let myself go back and think of that day.
“I can see now why you have a somewhat of a hero complex where Carter is concerned,” Alicia says as I dry my eyes.
Nodding my head, I see what she's saying, although I've never thought of my relationship with Carter that way. He's always just been my strength when I needed it, my home. Carter is my home, and coming home to him was what turned all the ugly darkness in my storm to the light again. When we made it out of the storm. It's no wonder that after that day, Carter let go of his lease on his apartment and moved in with me where he could take care of me and get me back to me again. And us.
After discussing some more of my life and relationship with Carter, and my fears of Trent being released, I left her office. She urged me to talk with Carter and tell him everything I'm feeling. To let him bear it with me. The only way we can truly move forward in our relationship is to talk about the ugly time in our lives and really plan our future. Only then she feels I will truly be able to breathe easily and live the life I'm meant to.
**********
Returning home from my appointment, it's late afternoon and Carter should be home in a few hours. Deciding to go about making one of his favorites for dinner, I pull out everything to make stuffed shells. Putting it all together and sticking it in the oven, I decide to go take a shower. Moving upstairs, I hear my phone ring from my purse on the counter. Hurrying back down, I rummage through until I find the annoying ringing.
Unknown caller.
I watch it for a few minutes trying to decide if I should answer it, a cold sweat coming over my body as I watch it continue to ring. The ringing ends and I sigh in relief. It could be someone else, but my gut tells me it's the mysterious caller on the other end that's out to frighten me with their breathing once more. Carrying it upstairs with me just in case Carter calls, I take it into the bathroom and undress for my shower.
My phone dings signaling a voice mail. With shaky hands, I put it to speaker and set it to the counter to listen as I start the water.
Breathing…...heavy breathing. A distorted voice comes over. “You better warn your pretty boy off girly, he's digging too close and people are going to get hurt. You wouldn't want that now, would you, sweet little Andrea?”
I freeze and just stand there.
“I'm not a patient man, little sweets. I won't be ignored.” And then a click.
Holding my shirt to me as the steam from the shower floats around me, I'm frozen in place. Who could this be? The bathroom door suddenly bursts open and I scream so loudly I hurt my own ears. Jumping to cover myself some more, I nearly slip on the tile.
“Starfish, what's the matter? The smoke alarm is going off downstairs,” Carter says as he quickly crosses the bathroom to me.
I look up to him blankly for a moment before I remember dinner is in the oven. Sprinting past him and down the stairs in my bra and panties, I wave the smoke away and open the oven to remove the pan of stuffed shells. They seem okay and not burned, must just be something at the bottom of the oven burning from another day. I'll have to remember to clean it.
“Starfish, talk to me please,” Carter shouts as he grabs the towel from the refrigerator handle to wave at the smoke alarm.
“It's fine, dinner is fine. I wasn't up there long, I just need to clean the oven,” I say on a small nervous laugh as I walk past him back to the stairs.
He grabs my arm as I walk by. Looking up to him, we have a wordless stare down. His eyes squint at me, he can read me like a goddamn book and he knows I'm hiding something.
“You take that shower and I'll be waiting. You will talk to me,” he says bringing his face closer to mine to look at my eyes closely.
“Yes, we need to talk, babe. About a lot actually. But I'm really scared for what happened before you came home.”
“Which is why you were screaming when I entered the bathroom, and you didn't hear the smoke alarm blaring through the house,” he says as his eyes narrow a little trying to piece it together.
Nodding, I step closer to him and let him envelope me in his big arms. We stand there a moment silent. It's then that I remember how I'm dressed, or lack of dress. Moving back, I grab his hand and pull him up the stairs with me.
Pulling him back in the bathroom, I shut the door and allow the steam of the hot water from the still running shower to envelope us. He sits down on the edge of the tub as I finish undressing, avoiding his eyes staring me down. He's looking at me like I'm losing my shit, brows creased with a little worry as he rubs his hands up and down his thighs.
I'm still silent as I pull the curtain back and step around him to get in the shower. Standing under the hot spray, I just let it hit me. I hear the curtain pull back and am met with his giant form flush against my back as he pulls my back to his front, bringing his lips down to my shoulder as he just holds me.
“Starfish, baby, talk to me please. You're worrying me,” he says muffled into my neck and shoulder as he runs his chin along my skin. The goose bumps are a reaction to his touch suddenly peppering my skin.
A small sob escapes me as I wonder where to even begin. Do I tell him about the phone call? Alicia wants me to talk with him about the day our world flipped on its end. I don't even know how to, even though it's long overdue. He just stands silently holding me as my shoulders shake.
“I went to see Alicia this afternoon after school,” I begin.
“How did that go? It's been a little bit since you've gone. I can't say I'm not glad you did, you've had a lot going on in that pretty head of yours that I wish you'd talk to me about.”
Nodding my head, I'm still silent as I gather my thoughts on small sobs. He turns me around and holds my face in his hands. He just looks in my eyes as the tears fall with the water around me. The look in his eyes breaks my heart. He's conveying without words how helpless he feels unless I talk to him. His large hands just hold my face and I close my eyes nodding.
“My appointment went well,” I say, clearing my clogged throat a little. “She went over a lot with me, and told me I need to start being more open to talking with you and you the same with me.”
“I thought that's what we do, baby. I don't understand what you mean.”
“I told her about everything going on lately. The phone call from Amy. And also, I’ve had dreams.”
His eyebrows scrunch in confusion to that little bit. I haven't talked to him about them. “What dreams are you having Starfish?”
Taking a deep breath, I look into the honey brown eyes that bring me so much warmth. He's giving me his strength. “I've been having dreams about the accident.”
He releases the breath he was holding and just gathers me in his arms. Laying my head on his chest, I feel his heart beating hard beneath my ear. “You can talk to me. I know there's been a lot going on with work, but you can always talk to me.”
I turn my face to kiss his chest where his strong heart beats for me. “I didn't put it together before as to why they are suddenly starting again. The day is almost here, the day of the accident two years ago. The day Jacob was born,” I say on a loud sob, burying my face into his warm and strong chest.
He rubs my back and just kisses the top of my head, giving me calming shushes with his lips to my wet hair. “It's been two years. We've never talked about it, Carter.”
“I don't want to cause you more pain, sweetheart. That day was so hard, I was devastated to almost think I lost you. And then to lose him,�
�� he says on a deep shudder.
This affects him too. He was there for it all. This big strong man held my baby in his arms and he made his way into his heart, too. “We do have so much to talk about Starfish, we've never talked about our time apart that brought us to that day. And what brought us to where we are now.”
I just cry harder, feeling the shudders wrack my body as he holds me close. “We need to,” I say barely above a whisper. “How can we move on until we do?”
He sighs deeply and is silent for a moment.
“Let's get out of this shower and go eat some of that amazing dinner you made. We can talk. It's time. This right here shows me that. I love you, Starfish, you're my world and it doesn't spin when you aren't happy.”
Standing on my toes, I hold his face and kiss his full pouty lips. Just for a moment, as we both breath, I run my lips along his, grounding me that he's here.
Getting out of the shower, we both dry off. He is quiet as he wraps his towel around his narrow hips, showing me that delicious V in his abs and hips. Throwing my robe on and my hair in a towel, I leave the bathroom and head for the stairs. He pulls me back and spins me around as I get to the top of the stairs. Pulling my face to his, he kisses my lips tenderly, just holding me there as his warm mouth moves over mine, pouring his feelings into me.
“I love you Andrea, so fucking much. It hurts me to see you so torn up,” he says as he brings his nose to mine. “Let's go eat, my night is yours to work this through. We have forever to make up for,” he says on a small smile meeting my eyes.
“I love you, Carter. I just want us to have our happy always. We are, but I think we have some past issues to jump over and put behind us before we can be truly happy. No questions in either of our minds.”
His brows crease, and he nods taking a deep breath.
Sitting down, I dish us each out a plate of stuffed shells. I grab the parmesan cheese and drown my food in it.
“A little shells with that cheese, babe?”
I look to him and stick out my tongue. He always has made fun of some of the things I do. It's just the way it's always been. This is our norm, damn it feels good.
“You want to tell me what had you ready to Kung fu my ass earlier?” he asks, looking up as he takes a bite. His eyes are narrowed, it's the teasing look in his eyes again. He thinks it's something off the wall I bet.
I get up quickly and run up the stairs for my phone. “Come on Andrea, don't walk away,” he yells from the bottom of the stairs.
“Stay there, I'm getting my phone,” I yell down as I grab it from the bathroom and return to the kitchen.
He watches me carefully, his brows drawn and rubs his jaw as I sit back down across from him. I go to the voicemail mail on my phone, hit speaker, and set it in the middle of the table. The distorted voice once again comes on-
“You better warn your pretty boy off girly, he's digging too close and people are going to get hurt. You wouldn't want that now would you, sweet little Andrea? I'm not a patient man, little sweets, I won't be ignored.”
As it clicks off, I let my eyes meet Carter's. The look in his eyes is scary, he looks like he could tear down the house.
“Please,” I whisper. “Don't do anything stupid, play this smart. I'm okay, I was just startled.”
“Was it an unknown call again?” he asks, his jaw tightening as his teeth grind.
Nodding my head, I get up with my plate and walk to the sink. I can't eat anymore.
I look over my shoulder and he's just sitting there, almost in a trance and deep in thought. Changing the subject, I go for talking about my appointment with Alicia. “I want another baby...someday,” I tell him as I dump my plate of food into the disposal.
I hear the chair scrape against the tile as he scoots his chair back. As I continue rinsing my plate I feel him beside me. He's standing there just staring at me. I can see it out of the corner of my eye.
“Was this part of what we needed to talk about, sweetheart?”
“It's just one of the things,” I say looking to him with a small smile, grabbing his plate from his hands.
He turns and leans his butt against the counter, legs crossed at the ankles in front of him as he crosses his arms and waits. I suppose he's waiting for me to speak again.
“We need to talk about that day,” I say quickly as the dish in my hand suddenly gets blurry. I'm fighting off the tears. The dish clatters to the sink as I'm hauled sideways into his arms, my head on his chest and his hands in my hair soothing me as I cry it out.
“That day rocked my world off an axis I never thought possible,” he says on a deep croak of his own. “I want that with you, sweetheart, I want it all. I never want you to have to go through that again, and I can't bear to either,” he says as he pulls my face up to look at him. Giving me a small smile, he wipes my tears as they continue to fall.
I breathe a sigh of relief at hearing that's something he wants...with me. “You want to have a family with me, Carter? Still?”
“Starfish, it's all I've ever wanted with you. If we had stayed where we were, you would already have my last name and we would have at least one by now I'm sure. But I was stupid,” he says as he looks to the ceiling. He shakes his head and gives a sarcastic laugh as I just peer up to him trying to end the tears.
“We were young and stupid,” I tell him, grabbing his face in my hands to bring his face back down to look at me.
“We both were stupid. I should have never let you push me away,” I tell him while looking seriously into his eyes. My eyes volley back and forth between his honey brown eyes as I try to convey to him he isn't all to blame for our time apart.
“I pushed you away, I never thought I was good enough for you. I wanted you to enjoy your last bit of college and not be saddled to me. My head was messed up,” he says on a whisper bringing his hands higher into my hair and holding his forehead to mine.
We both just stand there breathing each other in. I close my eyes and think of that day.
“I can't handle you picking fights with every guy that looks my way, Carter. I won't live like this,” I scream at him as he just stands across the room.
He'd been with me at the Nickelback concert. We were having a great time, until he went all alpha Carter on any guy that came within reaching distance that looked my way.
“You think I like the way they eye fuck my girl?” he questions, yelling back at me as he picks up the glass off the counter and throws it against the wall across from him.
I watch it shatter against the wall, and look to him standing there angry. His shoulders are shaking as he tries to calm down. I walk straight over to him and point my finger in his chest. “Grow the fuck up, Carter. My eyes weren't anywhere else, but maybe they should be if this is how you're going to behave,” I say, goading him.
“You fucking walking away is supposed to make it better?” he asks, screaming in my face. “Go ahead Andrea, have your fill of any of the men you want!”
I slap him hard across the face. “Fuck you, Carter. I've only ever wanted you my entire life. I love you and have only loved you!”
He laughs sarcastically.
That succeeded in pissing me off. I step back and raise my hand to slap him again, slap the stupid smirk off his face. He catches my arm. “Go run to your little boyfriends at school, Starfish. I'm sure they would all love to take a bite of what I have,” he says crossing his arms. He's daring me now and I don't like it, not a fucking bit.
“That what you want?”
He just laughs and holds his hand out to the side. “Be my fucking guest, baby,” he says smirking down to my face.
I turn on my heel and walk to grab my purse from the counter in his apartment. I drag it across the counter so it hits the little ceramic pot sitting at the edge. It crashes to the floor as I make my way to the door. I'm not going to stand here and listen to any more of this.
“Go ahead sweetheart, show me your best and I'll show you mine!” he yells as I open the door and look
back.
“Maybe I will,” I yell back over my shoulder and giving him one last look. He just laughs.
“Fuck off Andrea, I can't handle any more of you on top of your school schedule and the fucking department.”
I feel like he just slapped me across the face. He's never talked to me like this before.
“You walk out that door, baby, we’re done,” he says, daring me to leave. I don't hesitate a moment and walk out slamming the door behind me.
Out of the Storm Page 10