He stopped talking long enough to take a breath and for me to close my eyes, knowing by the tone of his voice, none of this was going to end well. I just wasn’t sure which one of them I’d have to be pissed at in the end, though I was guessing it was Sera.
“The bitch fucking left the bar with some guy I never saw and have no clue if she even knew. She didn’t bother telling me, texting, calling—she just left, Bastian. She left a bar in Manhattan with a stranger. I blew up her phone for an hour before she finally answered to tell me she’d be back at the hotel later. By the way, she didn’t come back. I didn’t hear from her again until about nine-thirty tonight. Twenty-four, mind-numbing hours later, she finally came waltzing in the door. She offered no explanation, no apology, and just told me she didn’t need a chaperone.”
None of that sounded like Sera. “She what? Surely you just misunderstood something somewhere. She’s never reckless like that.”
“Swear to God, Bastian. The bitch needs a goddamn babysitter, and it isn’t going to be me. I was completely freaked out, thinking something had happened to her in the twenty-four hours she had been gone. She didn’t even offer an apology, and instead, she copped an attitude when she walked in before she demanded I take her to eat.”
“Had she been drinking? That’s not like her at all; none of it is.”
Nate had started to calm down a little. Maybe getting the frustration off his chest would help ease his mind. “She looked like absolute hell, but I can’t confirm if she’d been drinking or not. But her snotty attitude didn’t change after feeding her ungrateful ass. I’m done, B. She’s on her own the rest of this trip.”
“Is she there now?”
“No!” he hollered emphatically into the phone. So maybe getting it off his chest hadn’t really helped. “She left around eleven without so much as a goodbye or the basic human decency to tell me when she’d be back or where she was going. What the fuck do you see in her? She’s nothing like Sylvie. I don’t even see a physical resemblance anymore.”
He didn’t really dislike Sera; he was upset because he had thought he would have to tell me something had happened to someone else he knew I loved. That alone was more than he could handle. Her disrespect for someone she was traveling with was more of an annoyance than anything. Nate had extended her an olive branch, and she just broke the fucker and threw it in his face.
He wouldn’t offer her another one.
Okay, maybe he really did dislike her. Fuck if I knew. Right now, I didn’t give two squirts of rat’s piss if he did or didn’t.
“I don’t know, Nate. I’m starting to wonder if I really know anyone.”
“What are you talking about?” His heavy breathing had slowed again, and so had his drama. He didn’t typically need a solution, just an ear to listen. “Where have you been anyway?” He’d moved into concerned.
“You don’t want to know.” And I didn’t want to talk. “Look, if you’re okay, I just want to go to bed and forget tonight ever happened.”
“Yeah, I’m good, but how did the exhibit go?”
“Amazing. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. Can you pick me up in the morning? Ferry’s been undependable, and I don’t want to let Aaron down.”
“Yeah, I’ll come get you for breakfast around noon. What’s the address?”
With Nate handled, plans for tomorrow taken care of, and finally a moment of peace, I threw up in my mouth a little one last time before I closed my eyes.
19
Chapter Nineteen
I woke around noon, feeling like total ass, which was an understatement of epic proportions. The remnants of last night were still fresh in my mind with the taste of vomit on top of morning breath and cottonmouth. The stench of alcohol oozed from my pores. And I didn’t want to acknowledge the way my head pounded, nausea roiled in my stomach, or the overall clammy feeling that challenged my equilibrium.
I sent Nate a text to find out I had thirty minutes before he’d be here, and I prayed a shower and a toothbrush would make me feel halfway human. Nine hours of sleep hadn’t been enough to do the trick.
Clean clothes, fresh teeth, a cup of coffee in hand courtesy of the in-house chef, and I was close to ready to embark on the day. I begged a god I wasn’t sure even existed to help me make it through the next twelve hours. I groaned, thinking about tonight. The crowd was likely to be twice the size of last night’s and the people of a more varied background. The conversation alone would be exhausting. I always had to be on top of my game and play by the rules of society. It was an attempt to be liked so people found favor with my art.
It was also bullshit in my estimation. Although, last night, I’d relished how well I’d played the game. Fuck, I needed an attitude check before I stepped foot in Le Musée.
Nate didn’t look much better than I felt when he showed up. “You gonna tell me what you did last night?” He had waited for me to get into the car before he’d started the interrogation.
“Are you ever going to shut up if I don’t?”
“Likely not.” At least he was honest.
“I need food before I can think about last night. Food with copious amounts of grease.”
We sat at some shithole diner a few minutes later, and it was easy to see how Nate and I might appear oddly close to an outsider. Or maybe that was the dick I’d had in my mouth last night talking. I was definitely the girl in the fucking relationship and a seemingly pregnant one at that. The spread in front of me would either cure my hangover or bring on a bout of vomiting that would flush out any alcohol still lingering in my system.
He gave me more time than I expected. “Spill it, Bastian. It’s obviously bad, or you wouldn’t look like something the dog threw up.”
I picked at the food in front of me, really doing nothing more than pushing it around on the plate. “It was just really out of character for me.” Maybe if I toned down the significance, he’d believe it wasn’t a big deal.
“What was?” He set down his fork and crossed his arms as he leaned back in the booth. “I feel like I’m pulling teeth here. Can you give me a bone? Help me out. I don’t even know what questions to ask.”
Preparing myself mentally, I let out a long, exasperated sigh. “It started Tuesday night. Ferry kind of set me up with a girl he knows. Emily.”
His lips turned up in a smile, but he misunderstood where this was going. “That’s great. Did you guys go out?”
“No. It wasn’t like that at all. The guy whose house we’re staying at had a BDSM party Tuesday night. Emily was at the party but not with anyone. Long story short, I ended up back in her room.”
“And?” His eyes hinted at my having a good time. “Nothing you’ve said so far has ‘horrible night’ written on it. I mean other than she knows Ferry, but you already know my thoughts on him, and I’m getting the impression you’re starting to feel the same.”
“And I fucked her!” My voice carried a little farther than intended as other patrons scowled my direction.
“Again, what’s the problem? Single guys have sex with women, Bastian. It happens.”
I shook my head, not able to convey my frustrations. “She tells me after the fact, she’s fucking married. You know that’s not my scene. I never would have touched her if I had known she was even seeing someone.”
He dropped his arms and his smile. “Okay, that’s not cool, but on her part, not yours. How did this carry over to last night? That was four days ago.”
“I haven’t told you about her marriage of convenience.” I recited everything Emily shared with me to Nate—David being gay, her being a lesbian, she’s a switch. I didn’t leave out any detail. “She and her husband, David, showed up at Le Musée last night.”
His eyes bugged, but thankfully, he was able to keep his voice lowered so the other people in the diner didn’t hear him. “Oh shit! But you said she’d told him what her plans were before they happened, so was he cool?”
“Oh, he was cool with it. So cool that he wanted to watc
h it happen again.”
“Whoa, what? A gay guy wanted to watch you fuck his lesbian wife?”
“Ironic, huh?”
“I’m thinking what’s going to be more ironic is you’re about to tell me you did it.”
Slowly, I nodded in confirmation, unable to express the specifics of what actually happened.
“You wanna tell me the details?” Nate wouldn’t pry.
I knew he wouldn’t, but I didn’t keep secrets from Nate—ever. This one was huge. The question became how honest would I be. “Not particularly.”
He leaned in, putting his forearms onto the table, ignoring the food in front of us. “But you’re going to?” He wasn’t looking for gossip; there was worry in his expression.
Swallowing hard, I admitted, “I don’t want you to think differently of me, Nate.”
“Damn, this must’ve been one ostentatious evening.”
“Hardly.” I had a hard time maintaining eye contact with my best friend. “I wish it had just been for show, then I could explain it away. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, Nate. Days earlier, I fucked another man’s wife. Twice. And she sucked my dick. They offered me a ride back to Shawn’s after the opening. Liquor started flowing. By the time we got back to the house, I was pretty well lit. Actually, I was hammered when they asked me to come to their room.”
“Okay, so you went to their room, and I assume you both had sex with Emily?”
I didn’t know how to explain this to him. It was so much more than that. Sometimes it was just easier to just bite the bullet and spit it out. Remembering where I was this time, I lowered my voice. “I enjoyed it.”
“That’s what has you so upset? You enjoyed tag-teaming a woman with another guy?” He leaned back in the booth and laughed. When he finally stopped, he saw I wasn’t digging this moment quite as much as he was. “What exactly did you enjoy?” The humor was gone from his tone, and so was the glimmer that had twinkled in his eyes.
I dropped my head in shame, unable to look at my best friend as I revealed one of two ugly truths.
“Wait, did he…” his voice trailed off.
“No! No. I didn’t have sex with him or him with me. I mean, not just the two of us.”
“Then why are you freaking out?”
I shook my head slowly, the emotional wave threatening to drown me. “It was like Emily wasn’t there, Nate. David started off in the corner, in a chair, she rode me but faced him. Then he stood, and she sucked his dick while I fucked her.”
“Okay, so Emily’s a little kinky.”
I didn’t know how to make him get what I tried to help him understand. “She turned to face me and spread her ass for him. When he was in her…” I tried desperately to put this as delicately as possible, without giving Nate any gory details. “When we were both in her, it was like she wasn’t there.”
“But she was.”
“Yeah, she was. She was between us but just physically. I could feel David inside her. It was like he was touching me. I could feel his heat, his dick on mine, stroking me.”
“And you liked it.”
I watched his face for judgment but found none. I nodded and waited. He sat silently. Nate knew I had more to say, and he’d wait all day for me to say it in my way. Time seemed to stand still, and I wasn’t sure how much of it had passed. It could have been thirty seconds or five minutes. Regardless of how long I waited, it wasn’t going to get any easier.
“Our eyes locked. The moment became ours. His wife wasn’t a part of the affair. It was the most intense sexual experience I’ve ever had. Pure pleasure. Hedonistic. I loved it.”
“So, what’s the problem?” He really didn’t get it.
“We came together, for each other. It was intense. So much so as soon as it was over, I had to get out. Like def con five. Evacuate the premises. I scrubbed my skin raw in an attempt to rid myself of the filth when I got back to my room. It’s sick.”
“So you enjoyed having sex with a woman and another man. Big deal, Bastian. It’s not like he fucked you in the ass. It was a new experience. You haven’t had many of those. Embrace them. Enjoy them. You’re making up for six years of loss.”
My frustration level was at an all-time high. Nate couldn’t seem to grasp why I was so tormented by what had happened. Making it real and seething through my teeth, I released the words I hadn’t wanted to admit. “I sucked his dick, Nate!”
That did it.
That effectively silenced my best friend.
I pounded my fist on the table, disrupting the plates and silverware, and startling him.
“You wanna get out of here?” Nate threw a wad of cash onto the table, ensuring it was more than enough to cover the meal we hadn’t eaten. He didn’t wait for an answer.
My eyes followed him as he scooted out of the booth. I couldn’t tell if it was disgust he masked, if he was upset that he thought I was gay, or if he was as confused as I currently felt. I mentally kicked myself for losing touch with his reality. Not that many years ago, I would have known exactly what was going through Nate’s mind.
Now, I was lost.
When we got out to the parking lot and into the car, he didn’t start the ignition. He just stared out the windshield. I did the same, not wanting to push him to a breaking point. He was my constant, my salvation.
If Nate bailed, I was fucked.
After a prolonged period of time, he finally offered a response. “It doesn’t make you gay, Bastian. I know that’s what you’re thinking. You’ve suffered for a really long time. For the first time in years, not only are you feeling again, but you’re experiencing physical satisfaction. You’re exploring who you are, testing waters. Most people do this shit in their early twenties, but you had Sylvie. You’re living your teen years in your thirties. It’s okay. You’re free to be whoever you want to be. Don’t box yourself in thinking because you enjoyed a night of sexual deviance that makes you homosexual.” He stopped.
He paused to ensure I heard what he said next and made sure he had my attention by turning to face me. Nate waited until I willingly made eye contact.
“Regardless of your sexual preference, you’re my best friend. You have been since birth, and you will be until death. Nothing will ever change that.”
I didn’t have any words. Nate had said the ones I had needed to hear. He’d confirmed what I needed to know. He always had been and always would be my best friend, my brother. I bobbed my head in understanding and acknowledgment.
“You’ll find yourself again, Bastian. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. You’ve got a lifetime to redefine who you are without Sylvie.”
There was nothing left to say. “Have you heard from Sera?”
“Nope. I really don’t get what you see in that girl. It’s so unlike you to be around inconsiderate people.” He started the car and pulled out of the lot. “Do you think she’ll show up at the exhibit tonight?”
“I hope so, but if she doesn’t, she doesn’t.” I tried to mask the disappointment I currently felt.
She’d blown the only opportunity she had to create some sort of bond with Nate. She knew he was important to me. I’d incorrectly assumed it would be important to her.
Nate didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Are you worried about her?”
“I’ve been worried about her, but she won’t let me in to help her. She has a wall built up around that part of her life. I’ve tried chipping away at it, but whatever she’s chasing, she guards heavily behind those bricks.”
“You think she’s being abused, don’t you?”
My eyes filled with tears, and I nodded, not because I thought someone was hurting her, but because I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. The idea of losing another woman I loved was unbearable. The notion lurked in the back of my mind. Sera wanted to be happy, cherished, loved, and cared for; I could do all of those things if she’d allow me. I’d never expressed those thoughts to her, never acknowledged how deep my feelings for her went.
&n
bsp; Whether it was fear of rejection or just uncertainty, I hadn’t.
If it would make a difference, I would put myself out there and risk everything to love again, but the insecurity of her reaction kept me quiet. Maybe it was more than that. For years I’d believed I would never be happy again. I’d thought it wasn’t a possibility without Sylvie. The notion that it could all just be a lie I’d told myself broke me as much as the reality that I could find joy twice. I’d have to admit I’d wasted years barely surviving, but even worse would be the acknowledgment that Sylvie wasn’t the end-all. Somehow, that would negate or diminish what I had believed she had been to me.
I no longer choked on the pain I’d felt for so many years when her name came up or a memory surfaced. Maybe Nate was right. Maybe there was a chance she had only come to me in my dreams to remind me that I was still alive. Maybe she was at peace that I no longer need her the way I had in the past. It was entirely possible that her image, her visits, were all manifestations of my subconscious to keep me from committing suicide.
“Bastian?”
I wasn’t in the moment, which was obvious. “Huh? Yeah. Sorry.”
“Where’d you go?” The worry on his face tore me apart. Nate had endured hell to ensure I made it to see the sun set and rise again the next morning. “Sylvie?”
I had to swallow the lump in my throat. “It doesn’t happen much anymore, but when it does, it hits hard.”
“I can only imagine.” He allowed me to ponder for a few more minutes. “You ready to go in and see if this guy needs anything for tonight?”
I answered by opening the car door in Le Musée’s parking lot.
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