by Sarah White
“It was the darkest place she’d ever been, but we all finally started breathing again when she began showing signs of recovering. Now I know that it was that slight recovery that made her feel strong enough to attempt suicide. My parents left for work and she told me she was going to get ready to go running. I smiled . . . I remember it clearly. It was a feeling of relief, like we had made it through again. When she didn’t come out of her room before I had to go to school I went to check on her. I found her on her bed in her running clothes. She’d swallowed a bunch of her medications—the empty bottles were lying next to her. There was a letter for us. I wasn’t supposed to find her that soon.”
I’m not sure what to say, but I know I need to say something. “I can’t even imagine that. It must have been horrible. Is she okay now?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “She’s stable right now, but I’m still afraid for her. My therapist tells me that it’s common for bipolar patients to take themselves off the meds. I guess they think they’re better and don’t need them anymore, or maybe they miss that feeling of being manic. I’m terrified.”
I want so badly to comfort him, but I’m not sure what exactly I should do. He’s just shared something so private with me. I pull the hood away from my face so it doesn’t look like I’m hiding from him. “I’m so sorry. I love my sister and it would tear me apart to think she might hurt herself. Thank you for sharing with me. I won’t tell anyone.” I follow my gut and press a kiss to his cheek, hoping it feels as comforting to him as his arms had felt wrapped around me as I cried. When I pull back I can feel the shift in the mood and I can see that some of the worry has left his face.
We sit in friendly silence, watching as every so often a plane takes off in the distance. When a small plane takes off directly above us he asks, “Have you ever been on a plane before?”
“Last summer we flew to Hawaii.” I smile at the memory. “It was just the four of us, my parents and sister and me. We rented a house with a pool. It was awesome to spend the day on the beach or exploring the island and then go swimming at night. I can see why you love to swim. I think some of the best times I had on that vacation were swimming in that beautifully clear ocean with my sister.”
Gabe nods his head. “Even though I have to swim so often here, I still love getting into some body of water when we’re on vacation. There’s just something about it that makes me feel relaxed.”
“What about you? Have you been on a plane before?”
“Lots of times. My grandparents live in different states. We used to go visit them more when we were younger, but now our family is so busy we only get to see them about once a year. Sometimes I wish I could get on a plane and go somewhere just to go. You know, not have something I have to do there or anyone I have to see. I’d like to get to pick where I’m going too.”
“If you could get on a plane tonight, where would you go?” I ask.
“Easy. I would go to a tropical island. Maybe Bora Bora.” His face lights up and he turns to look at me. His smile is contagious. “I want to stay in a little hut over the ocean. I love listening to the waves, and I saw this brochure once that showed a hole cut right in the floor of the hut so you can fish or watch the sea beneath you.”
“I think I’ve seen that picture somewhere.” I can recall the image of the crystal-blue water. “It sounds amazing.”
“You should come with me,” he says seriously.
I laugh softly. “To Bora Bora?” It seems so far away and very out of reach for two teenagers in the bed of a truck.
“Hey, no laughing,” he teasingly scolds, “it’s my pretend vacation. I can invite whoever I want.”
“Then I’d love to go.”
fifteen
I ALMOST FALL asleep in first period after not getting much rest last night. I lay in bed tossing and turning for hours, feeling a crazy mix of happiness about the amazing time that I had with Gabe last night and frustration that I can’t completely let the idea of Brady go. I can’t wait for the night that Brady isn’t the last thing I think of before falling asleep. I rest my head on my desk, so grateful to be watching a video instead of listening to a lecture. Maybe I can sleep for a little while at lunch today if Rosie doesn’t find me.
The bell rings and I slowly trudge away from my desk, feeling like my backpack weighs a million pounds. Prom invitations continue to happen all around me, but the worst is over, so I can appreciate some of the other crazy displays of ingenuity. I turn into my locker bay and stop short when I see Gabe waiting at my locker. His smile is adorable as he dips his chin, perhaps a little embarrassed to have hunted me down.
“Why don’t we ever run into each other?” He pushes his shoulder off the locker next to mine and grabs hold of his backpack straps.
I glance around to see who else might be close enough to hear, but I don’t see any familiar faces. “That would be because I hide now, and before that I was always tucked into a corner at the lunch benches next to Brady,” I say with a little laugh, and twist the dial on my lock, pulling down hard on the metal handle until it opens with a creak. I put away a few of my books, grab my lunch, and then close the old beige door.
“Want some company today? If you’d rather have space that’s fine.” I feel my stomach flip but can’t pinpoint whether the feeling is excitement or anxiety. Since the whole Elle and Brady scandal broke, the three of us have been the hot topic of the school gossip. I’ve been praying that something else scandalous happens soon so that our story can be old news, but nothing has really happened yet, and I’m so tired of everyone waiting for some new development in our story. I hate to think how my spending time with Gabe might fuel the fire.
In the end the thrill of having company other than my sister or a paperback wins out. “Company sounds good.” I love the smile that stretches across his face.
Gabe motions for me to lead the way and I head to my usual spot, setting my food on the bench and making sure to leave room for him. He sets his bag down, pulls out a sandwich, and digs in.
“I don’t remember seeing you at lunch even when I wasn’t hiding. Where do you usually eat?” I pull my legs up so I’m sitting cross-legged on the bench.
“I usually swim and then eat later, during my fifth period. It’s coach’s econ class so he doesn’t care.” He reaches into his bag and pulls out a sports drink. I twist open the cap of my water and watch a few of the popular boys from my class pass by. They get quiet as they walk past us, but they don’t take their eyes off me. I hope they don’t make sitting with Gabe into something it’s not. I can only imagine how quickly that story would spread once it hit the girls.
“Why does anyone care what I’m doing?” I ask quietly when the boys are finally past us.
“Come on, Everly. You’re a pretty girl, and pretty girls don’t go unnoticed.” He winks and I giggle. “Too cheesy?” he asks playfully.
“Perhaps a bit.” I toss a cracker at him and he catches it before it lands and sticks it in his mouth.
“So my sister invited some friends over Saturday for a little barbecue,” Gabe says around his mouthful. He chews, swallows, and clears his throat. “If you’re free, you should stop by.” I move my hand to shade my eyes so I can see his face clearly. He smiles shyly.
“Won’t she be mad you invited people to her party?”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not like that with us. We have a lot of friends in common. I think she’d like you.” I catch a glimpse over his shoulder of my sister walking toward us. “Besides, I’m manning the grill, so I get to invite whoever I want. Say you’ll come.”
I take a second to think about what it is I’m agreeing to. My anxiety has been getting a little more manageable these past few days, but the thought of meeting new people at a party seems risky. Maybe I’ll have a panic attack in front of all of them. But Laura has told me to at least try to continue doing things even though I feel anxious, because sometimes my brain just needs to see for itself that I’ll be fine. Gabe is a lot of fun to be
around, and I feel excited about getting to know him better, so I push aside the anxiety and hope it’s the right decision.
“I’ll come. Thank you.”
“Going somewhere fun?” My sister stands above us, blocking the sun with her body, so I drop my hand. She gives me a curious look. “I was just checking to see if you wanted someone to sit with, but I guess you have that covered?” She looks at Gabe and then back at me.
“You guys should sign up for shifts or something.” I roll my eyes at my sister, but deep down I love that she cares enough to at least try to pull me into some sort of social interaction.
“Yeah, we could make up a schedule,” Gabe teases. Rosie doesn’t get it, but I find it funny. Rosie looks at me, surprised. I guess it’s been a while since she’s heard me genuinely laugh.
“Okay . . . I’m Rosie, by the way.” She looks at Gabe expectantly.
“Gabe.”
“I know,” she answers. She must see the surprise in my expression because she nervously finishes, “Some of the older girls on the squad talk about you sometimes.”
“Cool, Rosie. Way to make it awkward,” I say, tossing a cracker at her. She doesn’t see it coming, and it bounces off her shoulder and hits the ground in front of us.
Gabe looks back to Rosie. “Mind if I steal her today? I want to pick her brain about a book I’m reading for English. If that is okay with you, Everly,” he says, turning back to me. I nod and see relief in my sister’s eyes as she adjusts her weight to the other foot, looking over her shoulder for Dawn or some other friend.
“No problem. I’m glad she can put that library in her head to some use. It was nice to meet you, Gabe. I’ll catch you later, Everly.” Rosie turns around and heads over to a group of girls she knows, and I feel a burden lift from my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I say softly to Gabe. “I hate that this stupid breakup is affecting her life. I’m supposed to be the big sister and take care of her, not the other way around. I guess I’m not doing this whole thing right in her eyes.”
“I like hanging out with you,” he says simply. “As for what you’re supposed to be doing, I’m not sure there is a right way to do any of this. There’s only trying to be happy. I’ve learned you should just do what you can to get through the lows so that you can enjoy the highs.” His eyes finally leave mine as he reaches for his drink. I know he probably learned that from his sister’s experience, and it makes his words feel powerful and sharp. “And being with you is a high for me.”
His words make my heart skip a beat. “Try to be happy, huh?” I repeat, skirting around his last sentence as I scoot down and rest my back against my bag. The tired feeling from earlier finds its way back to me. I slip off my Toms and pull my bare feet up to my butt, trying not to crowd him on the bench.
sixteen
I’VE STARTED LOOKING forward to lunch, something I wouldn’t have imagined a few weeks ago. Yesterday Gabe and I killed time with a game on his phone. To play, you hold the phone on your forehead facing the other person and they have to give you hints about the word on the screen so you can guess what it is. We giggled through the first category, but once we stumbled upon the Eighties Movies category we couldn’t get through our turns without cracking up. Turns out both of our parents have quite a collection of DVDs from that era, which makes us both experts.
“Whose wardrobe does Mr. Vernon raid?” Gabe asked quickly. He stared at me like the answer should’ve been easy. I blew a breath and scrunched my face up in thought. Gabe laughs. “Come on! It’s one of the best lines in the movie. How do you not remember that?”
“Seriously? Hurry and give me something else!” We forgot that other kids might have been able to hear us, and our voices raised with the excitement of the clock running down. Turns out that Gabe and I share another thing in common. We are both extremely competitive.
Gabe began to sing the first few lines of a famous Barry Manilow song and I knew the answer immediately, but pretended not to remember so he’d keep singing. Finally my smile couldn’t be contained and recognition dawned on Gabe’s face. “You’re totally fucking with me, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll get you back.” He grabbed the phone and checked our scores. “How is it possible that our parents both love John Hughes movies?” He tapped the screen a few times and then lifted it to his head as the numbers on the screen counted down from three.
“They’re great movies,” I answered quickly, looking into his eyes before looking up to read the next word. My eyes grew wide when I saw it and I tried to think of a hint that wouldn’t embarrass me. “Um, someone who wants to have sex a lot.”
Gabe’s smile grew and even though I don’t know him that well, I was guessing by the look on his face that he knew the answer. “A teenage boy,” he said confidently.
I shook my head. “No, not like that.” I playfully slapped his arm. “So much sex that it’s too much.” I watched the seconds tick away.
“There’s never too much sex. You’re terrible at this game,” he said in a very serious tone. It was then that I realized he was messing with me. I tipped my head to the side and scowled at him. He smiled and said the word very slowly: “Nymphomaniac.”
“You’re an ass, and that movie is great.”
“It’s the best,” he agreed, taking the phone from his head and handing it back to me. We played a few more rounds and in the end his score was higher, but I didn’t care. I would be fine losing to him a million times if it meant he’d spend some of his lunch with me.
I shouldn’t be surprised that word of our new friendship has become a hot topic on campus, but it still caught me off guard overhearing two girls discussing the fact that Gabe and I had lunch together twice this week. I might not have noticed Gabe until recently, but clearly other girls had. I’ve heard a few of the rumors, some of which are true and benign; others are just as vicious and malicious as the ones from before. This week, rumor has it Elle told a few girls on the cheer squad that I probably didn’t love Brady at all if I’m already moving on.
When I run into Rosie before lunch on Friday she stops me and asks, “What’s going on with you and Gabe?” I just shrug my shoulders. I don’t know the answer to that. She smiles at me and I see the relief she feels. “You know what they say,” she teases. “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” She winks and then quickly adds, “Not that I’d know personally, but I’m almost an expert with everything I hear at cheer practice.”
I roll my eyes. “There will be no getting under anyone. For your information I’m not even eating with Gabe today.”
“Yeah, but that’s just because he’s got swim practice. Which, if I were you, I would go watch just to see him in a Speedo.” And with another exaggerated wink and a wave Rosie leaves to go join her friends.
While the idea of seeing Gabe in his swimsuit again is a little tempting, I make my way over to Angie and a few of the other girls from student council. She told me that they were going to discuss the senior prank and I should join them. I find her group out on the grass where they usually eat. “Hey, Angie.”
“Hi, Everly,” she answers, patting the ground beside her. “I’m glad you decided to join us.” Lisa and Mandy give me warm smiles. I get the sense that I’m welcome and accepted into their group immediately. I feel a little regret for not trying to sit with them before.
“Thanks for inviting me.”
“Anytime!” I open up my sack lunch and start on my sandwich. The girls had been in the middle of a conversation, so they pick it right back up. It’s nice to hear about what’s happening from a different group of people. When the flow of students walking to lunch dies down and our group is out of earshot from any other group, Angie leans in and says softly, “Let’s touch base on the prank.”
Kathy starts. “I went to my dad’s work yard yesterday. He has four large piles of sand that he hasn’t touched in forever. I don’t think he will notice at all if we can find a few seniors w
ho drive trucks and are willing to help us get some of it from the yard to school.” Kathy looks around the group. “He doesn’t work on Sundays, so that would be a good day to do it. We can have everything set up for a Monday before school.”
We all smile as our plan comes together. I can practically see the quad filled with sand. “I think we should get together over the weekend and hit up as many garage sales as we can. We should be able to get beach chairs and maybe a few old surfboards or boogie boards,” Leticia suggests.
“I can drive us,” I offer. The girls nod and I rattle off my cell number when they pull out their phones. We decide I’ll pick everyone up early Sunday morning, and we’ll grab coffee before hitting all the garage sales we can find before lunchtime. “I also might have figured out the palm tree. I was listening to Sheila Benson talk about drama club during snack break and remembered the production of South Pacific they performed before winter break.” The girls seem to perk up with excitement. “That storage room is like a treasure chest full of goodies. They have that huge palm tree along with a couple of inflatable ones.”
“That’s perfect!” Angie says. “I can talk to her about it next period. We can trust her. She’s also the stage manager so she should have the key and probably a ton of ideas. Now that I think about it, I heard she was the set designer for that musical. Maybe she’d like to help organize us on the night we do it.”
We all agree and then quiet down as students begin to finish their lunches and walk around. We don’t want to risk anyone overhearing our conversation. Our talk turns to graduation and the exciting events most students are looking forward to. I’m starting to get into the spirit, but there are still times I find myself weighed down by the idea of seeing Brady and Elle together at all of them. I shake off the thought and turn my attention back to the group.