by RJ Nolan
Darcy was her lover too? Riley wondered just how much of what Darcy had said was true. How many exes does Sam have? “She’s an ex?”
“Definitely not. That’s actually part of her problem with me.”
Riley frowned. “How so?”
Sam grimaced. “Okay. I’m going to have to go back a number of years first. Darcy and I went to the police academy at the same time. The academy was my life back then, and I was totally focused and driven.” A shadow passed over her face.
That wasn’t a good memory. How bad could this be?
“Don’t really know why, but right from the start Darcy and I competed at everything.” Sam shrugged. “Always tried to one-up each other in every class, especially during any physical training. And I always came out on top.”
“That’s what she has against you? You bested her at the academy?” Riley picked up her wineglass and took a sip. She breathed a sigh of relief. From the look on Sam’s face, she had expected something much worse.
“Part of it.” Sam raked her fingers through her hair. “The rest didn’t happen until after the academy. Three years ago, Darcy left the Sacramento PD and came to San Diego. First time Darcy and I ran into each other, we decided we had just been dumb kids at the academy and to let bygones be bygones. Everything was fine until the first time she asked me out and I turned her down. I guess at first she thought I turned her down because I was with someone. I didn’t.” She shifted on the couch. “Darcy just wasn’t the type of woman I usually went for,” Sam looked away, “at the time.”
You mean someone scrawny and flat-chested, like me. Riley crossed her arms over her chest. After seeing the beautiful and voluptuous Marina, it was clear what type of woman Sam favored.
“Over the course of the next few months, she asked me out a couple more times. I turned her down every time.” Sam took a healthy drink of her wine. “It all came to a head two years ago, after our final softball game of the season. We won and were at O’Grady’s celebrating. I…ah…I had more to drink than I should have.” A flush tinted her face. “Kind of like Darcy did tonight. Anyway, she came on pretty strong, wouldn’t keep her hands to herself. I was irritated that she just wasn’t getting it and was tired of telling her no. Like I said, I was drinking.” Her gaze darted away. “I blew her off in front of everyone. Pushed her away and told her I was interested in women. I wasn’t into boys.”
Riley grimaced. The remark hit a little too close to home. She had a hard time imagining Sam doing something like that. Guess you don’t know her as well as you thought.
“I know. It was a lousy thing to do. I wish I’d kept my big mouth shut. I felt really bad and apologized the next day. I even tried again a few days later, figuring she just needed time to cool off, but the damage had been done. From then on, Darcy has never missed a chance to take a dig at me or try to make me look bad.” Sam met Riley’s gaze. “So, in a way, what happened tonight was my fault. Darcy sniped at you to get back at me.” She slid down the couch, closer to Riley, but didn’t touch her.
Riley reached out and patted her arm. “We all say things that we regret later.”
Sam sighed. “I am really sorry you got caught in the crossfire like that.”
“You don’t owe me an apology.” Riley squeezed Sam’s arm. “No matter what you said in the past, it doesn’t excuse what Darcy did tonight. You made a mistake, and you apologized. It’s her problem now if she won’t accept it.”
Still, she couldn’t help being a little disappointed in Sam. The tiny part of her that still clung to the belief in such things saw Sam as her guardian angel. Now her angel’s luster was a bit tarnished. Just wait until you tell her why you dated Keith. See what she thinks of you after that.
“Would you like some more wine?” Sam asked.
“No thanks. One glass is my limit.”
An expression Riley couldn’t read passed across Sam’s face. Did she think that was a jab at her? “I’m a real lightweight when it comes to alcohol. Always have been. I could use some more water, though.”
Sam smiled. “Sure thing. Be right back.” She picked up their glasses and headed into the kitchen.
* * *
Sam set the wineglasses on the counter. Hope I don’t look like too big a jerk in her eyes after that confession. The thought that she had disappointed Riley bothered her more than she cared to admit. She grabbed them each a bottle of water and returned to the living room.
Sam handed Riley the water and then sat down on the opposite end of the couch. She pulled her knee up onto the couch and turned to face Riley more fully. “Well, that was the sorry saga of me being a big jerk. Will you tell me about Keith? Please.”
“Okay.” Riley took her time opening her water and then took several sips.
Maybe talking about him reminds her too much of the shooting? Sam was just about to tell her never mind, when Riley broke the silence.
“Against my better judgment, I let myself get talked into going to a Halloween party last year. That’s where I met Keith.” She snorted. “That should have sent up a huge red warning flag right there. Halloween parties are always a bad idea.”
Sam wanted to ask what was wrong with Halloween parties but didn’t want to interrupt Riley’s story.
“He asked me out, and I turned him down. That would’ve been the end of it, but I called him a month later and asked him to accompany me to a Christmas charity event in LA.” Riley scrubbed her hands over her face. “If I’d known how it would all turn out…”
“So you didn’t know you were gay then? This is something new?”
“No. I knew. I’ve known since medical school. It’s…” Riley rubbed her neck, “…complicated.”
She’s still in the closet? After all this time? Up until now, Sam had been impressed with Riley’s strength and her feisty manner. The revelation that Riley was hiding such an important part of who she was bothered her.
“Let me explain,” Riley said.
Sam gazed at Riley’s forlorn expression. Don’t judge. She has her reasons. Memories of Leslie filled Sam’s mind. Haven’t you learned your lesson? She forced the painful remembrances away. “Go ahead.”
“So much has changed in the last several months. I need to explain a few things first.” Riley took a deep breath as if preparing to jump into the deep end. “The one thing I remember most about my parents was how important family was to them. My dad was estranged from his family for many years for following his own dream, but he never gave up trying to reconcile with them. That’s why I was named Riley—after my father’s brother. I was ten when my Aunt Margaret and Uncle Rielly took me in. They didn’t have any children, and my aunt didn’t want any.” She remained silent for several moments. Her expression dimmed as if unpleasant memories gripped her.
And she never let you forget it, did she?
“But even after all the years of conflict with my dad, they still opened their home to me. I’ve done my best over the years to live up to their expectations and make them proud of me.” Shadows darkened Riley’s eyes. “But no matter how hard I’ve tried, it’s never been enough.”
“I’m sorry.” What kind of people are they? How could they not be proud? Sam longed to say those words but kept quiet.
“Keith was just the latest failed attempt to make them happy, regardless of what it cost me.” Riley ducked her head. “I know, by now I should have outgrown the impulse, but it’s difficult.”
“Hey,” Sam said, drawing Riley’s gaze back to her own. “I understand. I still struggle sometimes with wanting to please my mother.”
“It’s not just that.” Riley chugged her water. “ Honestly, I wanted to get my aunt off my back.” She grimaced. “Several times throughout the year, I’m expected to attend charity events with my aunt and uncle—and an appropriate escort. In the past, when I didn’t have one, my aunt set me up with someone she and my uncle considered worthwhile. When I showed up on Thanksgiving by myself, my aunt was furious. A couple of weeks before the annual
Christmas gala, she called to make sure I had an acceptable escort. I didn’t want them setting me up—again.” Riley scowled.
“So you decided to ask Keith?”
Riley nodded. “I didn’t want to ask anyone at work, and I really don’t know anyone except the people I work with. After the event, I continued to go out with him. Just often enough that when my aunt asked, I could honestly say I was dating.” Her hands dropped to her thighs, and she kneaded the material of her jeans. “I should’ve just told them the truth and faced the consequences.” Tears glistened at the corner of her eyes. “Then you wouldn’t have paid the price for my deception.”
Sam slid closer and put her hand on Riley’s shoulder. “You couldn’t have known what would happen.”
Riley bolted from the couch. “Hiding who I am almost got you killed. If I’d never gotten involved with Keith, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”
Sam reached for Riley’s hand. “Riley—”
“You need to know the truth.” She shoved her hands into her pockets. “Keith was stalking me, but what you don’t know is that he saw a woman kissing me. That’s what set him off. That’s why he came into the ER that day, determined to take what I wouldn’t willingly give him.”
Huh? Oh. She never slept with him. Sam blinked. “You were dating a woman and Keith at the same time?”
“No. Not at the same time.” Riley crammed her hands deeper into her pockets. “I told you this was complicated. I just…” She paced in the small area next to the couch.
Sam watched helplessly. “Take your time.” She patted the cushion next to her. “Come sit down.”
Riley hesitated, then plopped down next to Sam. “Could I have some more water?”
“Sure.” As Sam stood, her thigh cramped. She winced and grabbed her leg. Damn it.
“You did hurt yourself pitching.” Riley got up and stood close to Sam.
“No. It’s just stiff from sitting. I’ll be fine. I just need to move around a little bit.”
“Let me take a look, make sure everything’s okay.”
Shaking her head, Sam took a step back. “It’s fine. I checked when I took my shower.” The very thought of Riley’s fingers gliding over her bare thigh caused an unexpectedly strong spark of arousal. “I’d tell you if I wasn’t okay.”
Riley gazed deeply into Sam’s eyes as if searching for something.
“Trust me,” Sam said.
“I do,” Riley said without a trace of hesitation.
Sam smiled. “I’ll get the water.” She went into the kitchen, grabbed two bottles of water, then returned to the living room. After handing Riley a bottle, she sat down next to her on the couch. “Tell me the rest. Please.”
Riley sighed. “Okay. I broke it off with Keith at the end of April. He kept pushing to escalate our relationship beyond friendship. I just couldn’t,” she met Sam’s gaze, “I wouldn’t do that. Not again.”
So Riley had slept with a man, and apparently, it hadn’t been a good experience. But what about a woman? Sam was still trying to come to terms with the fact that Riley was gay. “What made you decide to start dating women?”
“I’ve been with a woman before, in med school.”
“But then—?”
Riley shook her head. “Another long story.”
Sam quirked an eyebrow. “And?” She had so many questions.
“That I’ll tell you about another day,” Riley said.
Curiosity raged, but no matter how much she wanted to, Sam resisted the urge to question Riley. Now is not the time. At least now she knew that Riley had been with a woman. She didn’t know why that was so important to her—it just was.
“Like I said, I’ve spent my life trying to live up to my aunt and uncle’s expectations. I couldn’t be who I really was, so I buried myself in my work and took satisfaction in that.”
“What changed?”
“Sounds cliché, but I had an epiphany on my thirty-fifth birthday.” Riley took a sip of water.
“And what caused that?”
Tears filled Riley’s eyes. She set her water on the end table. “A thirty-six-year-old woman died on my birthday.”
Sam put her hand on Riley’s knee. “That’s terrible.” It reminded Sam of what Riley had to deal with every day as a trauma surgeon. That’s a heavy burden to carry.
Riley brushed at her tears. “She wasn’t even my patient. I was at the SICU nurses’ station, checking on my patient before I went home, when a commotion broke out in another patient’s room. The mother of the patient apparently decided it was the appropriate time to tell her dying daughter what a disappointment she had always been.”
“My God. What’s wrong with people? How could she do that to her daughter?”
Riley put her hand on top of Sam’s as if seeking support. “People often react irrationally to guilt and fear.”
Like how Jess treated you after I got hurt. “You’re right. I’ve seen that at work too.”
“After the mother stormed away, I went into the patient’s room. I’m not sure why; I just felt compelled. The patient, Patrice, had end-stage ovarian cancer. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was in the SICU because she had been in an auto accident a few days before. She suffered a ruptured spleen, and it had to be removed. The surgeon wanted to go back in because she was still bleeding inside. Patrice refused.” Her voice faltered.
Sam cradled Riley’s small hand between both of hers. “She knew she was dying.”
“Yes. And she didn’t want to suffer through another operation. I guess that was the final straw for her mother. According to Patrice, nothing she had ever done had been the right thing in her mother’s eyes.”
“Knowing her daughter was dying…that must have been so hard on her mother,” Sam said. “But still, no matter what had been between them before, how could her mother squander even one remaining second with her daughter instead of telling her how much she meant to her?”
After she had been shot, her mother had wrapped her in her arms and held on tight, telling her over and over how much she loved her. For days afterward, her mother hugged her every chance she got.
Riley shook her head. “I’ll never understand it. As I listened to Patrice talk about how she had never measured up to her mother’s expectations, I realized Patrice could have been talking about me and my relationship with my aunt and uncle. She said her one regret was spending so much time and energy trying to please her mother instead of living her own life and doing what made her happy.” She swallowed heavily. “I stayed with her all day and listened to her stories. I kept hoping her mother would come back.” Tears trickled down her face. “She never did. Patrice died late that evening with no one there but me.”
Oh, Riley. Sam wrapped her arm around Riley’s shoulders and drew her close. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
Riley pulled away and brushed at her tears. “Don’t be sorry for me. I still have a chance to change. Be sorry for Patrice. I made a vow to myself that night. Things were going to be different; I was going to live my life my way from then on.”
“I am sorry about what happened to Patrice,” Sam said and put her hand on Riley’s shoulder. “But I’m also sorry that your aunt and uncle never told you how very special you are. You’re a strong, competent woman. Your parents would be very proud of you.”
Riley smiled through her tears. “I hope so.”
“I know so.” Sam squeezed Riley’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to interrupt what you were telling me, but that needed to be said.”
“Thanks.” Riley blotted her tears on her shirtsleeve before continuing with her story. “During this time, Keith was trying to get me to come back to him, sending me flowers and asking me out. I kept telling him no. What happened with Patrice had stiffened my resolve to do what was right for me.” She picked up the bottle and sipped her water. “That’s when things started getting worse. Keith stopped asking to reconcile and began to demand it. Despite what was happening with him, I asked a woman
I’d met in the gym at my condo out on a date. We went out a few times.” Riley smiled. “It was nice.”
Sam couldn’t help but be impressed by Riley’s strength and bravery, even if had almost gotten her killed. Under the circumstances, it would have been so easy to just retreat and continue to hide who she was.
Riley’s smile dimmed. “Things continued to escalate with Keith. I started getting hang-up phone calls at all hours from unknown numbers, and my car was vandalized. I knew in my gut it was Keith, but I couldn’t prove it. I spotted him a few times hanging around the doctors’ parking lot at work when I was leaving, but he never approached me.”
“Why didn’t you call the police?” Sam knew from the police report that Riley hadn’t reported the vandalism or Keith stalking her.
“I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it.” Riley shrugged. “What could they have done—really?”
Sam scowled. In reality, there wasn’t much the police could have done. Even with proof, they could have charged him with a misdemeanor at best and recommended a restraining order. A piece of paper would not have stopped someone like Keith.
“I honestly thought I could handle it on my own, that he’d eventually get tired of it all and move on.” Riley trailed her fingers along Sam’s injured thigh. “But I was wrong.”
Goosebumps erupted in the wake of her touch. “You couldn’t have known.” Sam covered Riley’s hand with her own and gave it a brief squeeze. “So that’s how Keith saw you with a woman—he was following you.”
“Yes. It happened in a parking lot outside a restaurant. Blair kissed me goodnight, and suddenly Keith was there, screaming like a maniac, ranting about how I’d made a laughingstock of him by leaving him for a woman. Blair pulled out a can of pepper spray and threatened to spray him and call the police. He took off.”
I bet that’s why she had pepper spray with her the night we ran into the homeless guy in the parking lot.
Riley blew out a shaky breath. “The calls suddenly stopped, and I hoped that was the end of it, that he’d leave me alone.” She shook her head, and her bottom lip quivered. “He showed up in the ER three days later. That’s my one regret. If I’d just had the courage to stand up to my aunt and uncle and be true to who I am,” tears trailed down her cheeks, “you would never have gotten hurt.”