The hanging baskets outside The Lamb creak on their chains in the wind, but when Neil pulls open the door, the eerie sound is overwhelmed by the noise of conversation from inside. The light and warmth of the pub spills out and draws me inwards despite my desire to run away. I take a deep breath and follow Neil through the crowd to a table in the back.
I see Kit first, raising a hand in greeting to Neil but he’s not alone. Miss Perfect from the solicitors is there too.
I stop and tug Neil’s sleeve. ‘I won’t talk about it while she’s there.’
Neil nods. ‘Come over, anyway. They’ve seen you now.’
Kit smiles broadly as I reach the table, which is nice, but I feel a moment of satisfaction as Carol’s face freezes when she sees me. Neil leans over to shake Kit’s hand, and, as he does, I gently tug the envelope out of his pocket, bumping him lightly with my bag to cover it up.
‘Right, more drinks,’ he says and turns back towards the bar as I slide into the seat beside Kit.
‘How on earth did Neil get you to come to the pub? Does this mean there’s a truce?’ Kit looks pleased. ‘By the way, do you remember Carol?’
I nod in her direction but can’t be bothered to smile, let alone look at her properly.
I push the envelope a little further into my bag as Neil returns with bottles of beer. Carol takes one and watches me with narrowed eyes. She drinks in little sips, quite the lady. I look around letting Kit chatter on about some nonsense at the school.
Eyes meet mine as I scan the groups in the bar and more than one conversation pauses. I concentrate on the bottle of beer in front of me, but the sensation of being watched is uncomfortable, and I can feel myself tense up.
‘Friends of Bill Mace,’ says Carol, noticing. She has the smile of a cat.
‘So, who else have you seen since you got back?’ asks Neil. I don’t do small talk, but I need to keep the conversation away from the letter.
‘I bumped into Danny Mace a while ago.’ Kit frowns at me. ‘He said his mum left in the end.’
‘Yeah, probably for the best.’ Carol pulls a face like everyone should know that.
‘And Mace didn’t marry again?’
‘It’s a small town. You put one wife in a coma, it’s hard to get another.’ She laughs at her own joke. I hate that. The sound of a fruit machine spitting out a pile of coins breaks into our conversation.
‘Yeah, well, makes sense to be wary of Mace. He’s no angel.’ Neil stretches and puts a hand back to check his pocket. I skim a beermat towards him, and he has to use both hands to catch it. Kit isn’t paying any attention.
‘Danny’s a good kid, though.’ Carol wipes an imaginary speck of dust from her top.
‘Didn’t look like it to me.’ I skim another beer mat over, disturbing the ashtray so little flakes blow across the table. Carol wrinkles her nose.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just that …’ I look at Kit. ‘Well, you saw him with Michelle too, Kit. It looked like he was bullying her.’ He frowns at me, and Neil shifts in his seat.
‘Oh, so you’re going to judge him by his father? How original,’ Carol wipes the ash away from her side of the table, ‘I’d have thought someone in your position wouldn’t be so judgemental.’
Oh, it’s her. I can’t believe I didn’t recognise that face before. The WendyCarols. It comes back to me at once, the butchered hair, the frayed shorts, the snide remarks. Well, she would defend a bully. Kit reaches and grabs the fist I’ve curled beneath the table.
‘And why am I not surprised you’d side with a bully.’ I pull my hand out of Kit’s and slam it on the table.
Carol spits some of her drink out. ‘You’re judging me now?’ I am. I’m not even going to start counting this out because the adrenaline is surging and I’m already on fire. I can take this hair-sprayed, doll-faced Carol without breaking a nail. I could pick her right up and—
‘Whoah!’ says Neil.
Carol’s little smile slides back on to her face until Neil tells her to cut it out. I smirk right back at her.
‘The fact is that if you do pay too much attention to Danny it won’t go down well with Mace.’
Kit nods at Neil. ‘I was pretty much warned day one at school to give Danny a bit of space — timekeeping, homework, no one’s going to risk mentioning anything to his father.’
‘Yeah, Bill’s temper’s pretty unpredictable, and he can bear a grudge like, almost, no one else I know.’ Neil throws me and Carol a meaningful look.
I’ve had enough. My eyes are sore from the smoke, and the letter is safely back in my bag. Neil reaches for the envelope as I stand up and then checks under his chair when he can’t find it in his pocket.
‘I’m knackered, I’m going home.’ No one moves. ‘Aren’t you coming?’ I ask Kit. He shakes his head. Fine, I’ll have to risk leaving him with Neil.
I walk out on my own into the damp evening, my head spinning. I pause at one of the outside tables and pull out the envelope from my bag to check it’s the right one. The door swings open behind me, and I shove it under the bag, but it’s just a couple walking out together, heads close.
I read the visiting order quickly and check the details before folding it into my wallet where Kit won’t think to look. I’m just slipping the envelope between the sheets of my drawing pad when he walks out. Guilt rushes hot to my cheeks.
‘Are you okay?’ He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He didn’t see anything.
I just nod. I can’t speak without giving myself away.
‘Neil said you needed to talk to me about something. What is it?’
‘It can wait.’ I lift the bag on to my shoulder. Then I turn and walk home, leaving him standing there beneath the fading hanging baskets.
The house is cold and empty, and my brain is buzzing in the silence. I settle in the pool of light on the landing where I can see through the bannisters to the front door. Damn Kit for not coming home with me; I can’t go to sleep until he does.
There’s a noise from outside and the front door opens to let in Kit and Neil. They hover in the hall when they see me, and Kit holds up a bottle of wine and a large pizza box. I can’t tell how much trouble I’m in.
‘Pizza?’ Kit waggles the box as I come down the stairs, and we walk into the kitchen together. He gets some wine glasses down from the cupboard while Neil opens the lid, and the sweet smell of tomato sauce fills the room. I wait for them to say something, but Neil sits down and tears off a slice of pizza, looking at me with raised eyebrows.
Kit seems to be taking far too long to open the wine, and I notice he’s a little unsteady on his feet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kit drunk before and I’m not sure if I like it. I glare at Neil. Surely, he won’t have said anything to him about the letter while he’s like this.
‘I’d forgotten Carol was one of the Wendys,’ Kit’s voice is a little slurred. ‘All ancient history now, isn’t it?’ He looks at me pleadingly.
It doesn’t feel like ancient history to me, and I don’t want to talk about it, so I change the subject.
‘Do you really not care what’s happened to Danny, Kit? Don’t you think Mum made things worse for him?’
‘We didn’t even know Danny,’ Kit sighs. ‘Don’t we have enough of our own shit to worry about?’
‘And maybe it’s time to leave all that in the past,’ adds Neil.
Kit shifts and studies the red swirl in his glass, the viscous trail of the liquid slipping down the sides. He doesn’t see Neil sit back and raise his eyebrows at me. I make a face back at him before Kit looks up.
‘Right. It was a long time ago, we can’t be responsible for what happens to him now.’
‘Why not?’ I don’t believe time washes anything away. ‘We all lied about Bill Mace.’
Neil rolls his eyes. ‘Not everything around here happens because of you,’ he crosses his arms behind his head and holds my angry glance without blinking. ‘You were long gone by the time Danny’s mum l
eft.’
‘It’s no picnic growing up without a mum,’ I narrow my eyes at Neil. I wonder what fights I might have avoided if she’d still been around. ‘If I was responsible for anyone going through that, I’d want to put it right! Wouldn’t you?’ Why don’t you want to put it right, Neil? You owe us. I don’t think he gets it because he doesn’t lower his gaze.
Kit tries to tear off a piece of pizza, and the long trails of cheese droop across the table.
‘Well, you can’t put it right, can you? Best you can do is apologise. Write it in a letter and have it done with.’ Neil’s tone lightens. ‘Funnily enough, I seem to have lost a letter on the way here. You wouldn’t have seen it, would you?’
I concentrate on Kit. He ignores Neil. I ignore Neil too.
‘Well, there’s nothing we can do, Robyn.’ Kit pushes his slice of pizza away. ‘We can’t bring his mother back.’ He’s not talking about Danny’s mother now.
‘Anyway,’ Neil changes tack, ‘don’t we have more important things to talk about?’
‘Yes, like why Danny’s picking on Michelle then?’ Neil has to give up soon. Anyway, if everything’s so fine with Danny, why is he picking fights with a girl several years below him at school? Doesn’t make sense.
‘Look, we don’t know that he is.’ Kit refills his glass.
‘What about checking with his dad?’ I push him. ‘As his teacher?’
He shakes his head without looking up.
‘Danny truants occasionally, that’s all. It’s never mentioned to Bill, and I don’t think this should be either.’
‘I agree,’ says Neil. ‘Do you really think going to a man with a history of violence is a good idea? That should be the last bloody resort.’ The irritation in his voice is beginning to show through his smiles. Kit looks at him surprised.
‘Unless it’s the only real hope you have, it’s worth a try then, isn’t it?’ Neil’s such an idiot.
Kit sits back to look at both of us, and I realise my answer was off, too strong. He might be a little drunk, but he’s not a fool. I glower at Neil. If I want to take that risk, it’s my life and my choice. If I want to put myself in danger to get the truth and fix what I’ve done, then that’s what I’m going to do.
‘I’m just saying,’ Neil holds his hands up in fake appeasement, ‘that there are other steps to take before you involve parents. Why don’t you see what you can find out without going to him directly?’ He can sense that Kit is beginning work out we’re not talking about Danny anymore.
I want to tell him that I already know there’s no other way. I wish there were because I know what it will do to Kit, and I’m scared of what it will do to me. But I’m getting dizzy with what Neil is saying out loud and what he really means.
‘Look, I’m sure it’s nothing,’ Kit drains his glass and stands up. ‘Anyway, I’m all done in — I need to go to bed.’ He looks at Neil who pulls the pizza box over.
‘I’ll just help Robyn clear this up, and then I’ll be off.’
‘Don’t stay up all night.’
Neil folds his arms while we listen to Kit’s footsteps going upstairs.
‘Right then,’ he says when we hear the bathroom door slam, ‘what are we going to do about that letter? Before anyone does anything stupid.’ He puts his hand out, and I pull the letter out of my bag and put it on the table. I let him look at it because he didn’t tell Kit about it after all, not because I think he’ll help. I just don’t want him to change his mind. He reads the whole thing out loud, and I wince at the last line. ’Til we meet again.
‘Okay, what’s he after? What does he want you to take?’ He moves his chair a little closer and puts the letter in front of me. ‘And when is he due out?’
‘Why didn’t you tell Kit?’
‘I’ve no idea. Maybe I still will, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt for me to see what you’ve got first.’
I feel the tension slipping out of my shoulders and slump into the back of the chair.
Neil looks across at me and then at his watch. ‘You look tired. Maybe we’d better do this when we’re fresh.’
He shakes his head as he walks out, like he can’t quite believe what he’s doing, and I slip the letter back into my bag.
When I get to my room, I pull my case out from under the bed and take the silver bracelet out of the fabric pocket at the back. No one knows I have it. I never told Mum, but I wish I had. I wish I’d asked her about it when I could. It just never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have time.
All the things I can never ask her run through my head as I rub my thumb over the words engraved on the front and the raised pattern of roses around the edge.
When I wake in the morning, I’m tangled up in the sheets, the bracelet is still in my hand, and my scar is on fire.
Chapter Nine
1976
Mum’s in the kitchen singing and we go straight in to see her, but she shoos us away again to get cleaned up. We must try not to get dirty because there is a water shortage and we have to be careful not to need baths when a wash down or a quick spray with the shower attachment will do. We have a bit of a splash around because it looks like Mum is in a good mood and she hasn’t been for weeks.
On Friday nights, Matthew gets home a little bit earlier from work, and in the summer, he goes straight out to the garden with a beer. He sits on the little wooden bench on the patio with his eyes shut while he sips all the way to the bottom. We all leave him alone and help Mum in the kitchen. She likes to try out things she’s never made before and today she’s making a curry. To get in the mood, she says, she is burning joss sticks and has put out lots of silk cushions in a circle on the grass. In the centre, she has spread out the embroidered cover from their bed and scattered flower petals all over it.
In a little while, friends will come round, and they’ll bring dishes of food too. The Cadogans are not coming this time because Sergeant C is working, and Mrs Cadogan doesn’t like to come on her own. Neil is here though. Usually, a few of the neighbours pop by too when they hear the noise or some of Mum’s friends from her college course drop in. We never know exactly who’s coming, but there’s always a crowd.
Mum has filled half the fridge with bottles of beer and put in a large box of white wine. We both have flowers in our hair now because she decided it would be fun to dress up. We also have a splodge of lipstick on our foreheads and I am wrapped up in one of her silk scarves folded to look like a sari, and Kit has a length of cloth wrapped round his head like a turban. Mum is wearing more chains and bracelets than I knew she had and large hooped gold earrings, and I really want to wear my St Christopher. Except Mum doesn’t even know about it and Kit thinks I’ve thrown it away.
When Matthew got home he laughed and grabbed Mum and whirled her all around the kitchen, jingling as they went, before he got his beer.
‘Well, if we can’t get to India, we can bring it to us!’ she said.
When Mum sees that he’s finished, she takes another beer out of the fridge and goes out to join him, sitting with her back to the armrest and her feet in his lap. We have been left in charge of putting peanuts and Twiglets into little bowls, but we can hear their conversation through the window.
‘Did you talk to Eva again?’ Matthew asks.
‘I did,’ says Mum, ‘usually the father has to agree and sign the forms so it’s not straightforward.’
‘Will he?’
‘Depends what he wants,’ says Mum. ‘If it’s what I think, then it’s possible. But then again, he might just be out to spite me.’
‘I wonder why now, Jemima, what’s he been waiting for?’
‘Are they talking about Danny?’ I turn to Kit. He shushes me, but when we start listening again Mum is listing out all the ingredients that went into the curry. She could just have brought Matthew back into the kitchen because most of it is still out on the table, even though the pan has been bubbling away on the stove for ages, and the smell of it has filled the whole house and must have burst ou
t into our garden and all the way down the road. We take out the little bowls and set them down on the bedspread and return inside to fill up our glasses with fizzy orange.
Mum and Matthew come back in, and he starts to tidy up while Mum pulls out plates and glasses and cutlery. Kit and I are sent into the dining room to get napkins from the drawer in the sideboard and all the little candles that we normally put out around the garden. It is still so hot that the candles are soft to touch, and we stick them into the fridge to harden up or the wax will melt too quickly. Mum comes in and picks up the cassette player and a box of tapes that she takes outside. She puts on some ABBA, and we all start dancing around the garden. Kit is doing the Bay City Roller moves in protest, and Matthew has tied a napkin around his head and doesn’t really look like anything in particular.
It turns out that Mum has put so much chilli in the curry that no one can really eat it. It stays in the bowl in the centre of the bedspread almost untouched while we pile rice and chutneys, poppadoms, and the onion bhajis that the neighbours have brought on to our plates. When Eva turns up with a huge bowl of Coronation Chicken there is a round of applause, and then more people arrive with all sorts of things, and Kit, Neil, and me are able to take our plates and head down to the bottom of the garden where we had earlier spread out a picnic rug. Anne Patterson comes down too, so I don’t say much because the others are all at the same school and they are arguing about who’s the best actor out of Starsky and Hutch. Anne says David Soul because he can sing, but Neil and Kit don’t agree.
When I have eaten as much as I can, I roll over on to my back. The ground is still hot, and I can feel all the little cracks in the dry earth that are uneven beneath me. I wonder what would happen if it all suddenly collapsed in like an earthquake. A ladybird lands on my arm and I watch it pick its way along between the little hairs. I tense up my muscles to see what it will do but it doesn’t seem to notice. Then suddenly its wings peel away from its little body and it takes off. I roll back on to my front to see where it lands and catch sight of Matthew standing to one side with Sergeant Cadogan, who is still in his uniform. Sergeant C is shaking his head. He takes Matthew’s extended hand for a moment and then walks down to us.
A Little Bird Told Me Page 12