He nods. ‘Kids, we are going away for a while,’ says Mum.
I look at Matthew because I know he doesn’t want to go, but he is staring down at the top of Mum’s head.
‘I’m not going, I want to stay here,’ I say. Matthew looks up at me, and I can see now that his eyes are red and tired, and I think maybe he stayed up all night waiting for Mum.
‘Just until this is all sorted out,’ says Matthew. ‘We’ll be back in no time, you’ll see.’ He says it as if he is just discussing a trip to the shops.
‘We’ll just set off and see where we end up,’ says Mum, ‘it’ll be exciting.’ She leans across the pad and tries to grab our hands, but I am too quick for her. Kit hasn’t said anything yet and lets her hold his hand while he stares at the table.
‘I’d better go into the office and clear things up,’ Matthew says and walks out. In the silence, we hear him pick up his keys and briefcase and then voices at the front door. The kitchen door opens and Sergeant C walks in with Neil.
‘Are you really going to leave straight away?’ he asks. Mum nods. ‘You’ll need to let me know where you are.’
‘I’m not going today,’ says Kit, coming to life and his voice rising, ‘we haven’t finished the dam. We’ve been working on it all summer.’
‘Yeah, you can’t stop me seeing my dad,’ I say. ‘I have a right to see him if I want to!’
Kit stands up and points at me. ‘It’s all your stupid fault for talking to him in the first place!’
Neil looks at him, a surprised expression on his face. He turns to Sergeant C. ‘Please, Dad,’ says Neil, ‘can’t you tell them it’s okay to stay?’
‘We’ve already decided,’ says Mum, ‘I’m sorry. You just need to trust me.’
I don’t. I hate her.
Sergeant C looks uncomfortable. I think he might be stuck knowing a grown-up thing that he can’t tell us, but he thinks we should know. He is not in uniform, and he always looks a little less real out of it and much less confident.
‘I suppose I could take them to the park for a little while,’ he says, ‘if you’re okay with that. I’m not on duty until this afternoon.’
Mum looks doubtful, but Kit and I can see there’s not much fight in her. We nag and shout and beg until she puts her hands up to her ears.
‘I do need to finish this and get packed,’ she says to Sergeant C, who is trying to get Neil to go home, so we shout ‘Thanks!’ before she can say ‘no’ and we rush upstairs to get sorted.
When I come back down, the work surfaces in the kitchen are tidier than I have ever seen them. There is a bin bag sagging by the back door. I peek inside and the smell of various spices and herbs that have been used once and then forgotten hits me. On the top I can see some of our old plastic bowls and cups with lids that we haven’t used for years. The postcard of the lady lying in the water is in there and the oven gloves with a hole that Mum is always saying she should replace. I pull the postcard out and drop it into an open box that Mum is filling. She has tied up her hair and is taking a sheet of newspaper from the table and a mug from the side. She pokes the corner of the paper into the mug and crumples some more to fill it and then she twists and rolls the rest around the mug and tucks it into the box.
She looks up.
‘Sergeant C has just gone to pick up a few things with Neil, he’ll be back in a minute.’
When Kit comes down, she stands up.
‘Come on, let’s go and do the mantelpiece together,’ she says. She takes a box and some paper into the dining room, and we each reach for something from the display. I take the feathers I collected when we went to the bird sanctuary and pull a spare hair band from my wrist to keep them together. I wrap them in a single tube of newspaper and drop them into the box. Kit takes down a small stone and we work quietly until Neil calls through the open front door and we both give Mum a quick kiss and pick up our bags.
‘I’ll mark this box carefully and keep it safe so it’s the first thing we can set up when we get there.’ Mum says. I turn to wave at the door. She is squatting on her heels with our little gifts around her, and she smiles and waves back with a hand that is sooty with newsprint.
Kit is ignoring me. Neil throws the odd glance my way, but mostly he is planning with Kit how to finish the dam. He is carrying a bag which I hope contains some of Mrs Cadogan’s cake as well as the bits and pieces for the dam that Neil is listing in full. Kit’s hands are wedged into his shorts. In his back pocket is the penknife, a one-pound note and a bag of food because Mum has unplugged the fridge and she said we might as well eat what we can. Sergeant C is walking just ahead of them and is setting a pace that I’m struggling to keep up with because my bag is quite heavy too.
I have brought the things that I didn’t want Mum to pack. I have my book, sketchbook and pencil case, apples, and some money from my piggy bank. If Sergeant C lets me go and find Debbie, we can get an ice cream. I really want to tell her about how Ray saved me from the WendyCarols and that Ray is my dad and that we must leave today, and I don’t want to go.
It’s hot, but not bright, and the air feels fuzzy and sticky as if the sky is lowering and pushing everything down beneath it. I look around the streets as we walk wondering if I’ll see anyone I know and if I’m allowed to tell them we’re leaving for a while.
By the time we turn into the park there are wet patches on the back of the boys’ T-shirts, and they have stopped checking to see if I’m keeping up. When they pause just inside the gate, I run up to Sergeant C and ask if I can walk down to Debbie’s house, but both he and Kit say ‘no’ with such force that I don’t ask again. They’re just doing what they want to do. It’s not fair.
As we leave the path to cut down to the stream, there is a shout behind us and we all stop and turn around. A man is running towards us, and, when he gets near, we can hear that he’s calling for Sergeant C.
‘It’s Mace, he’s at The Lamb and he’s spoiling for a fight. You’d better come before someone gets hurt.’ The dragon curling round his arm points its tail to the cigarette held between thumb and forefinger.
Sergeant C looks at us and then replies, ‘I’m off duty. Call the station.’
‘He says he’ll only talk to you. You’ve got to come, mate, I think he’s got a knife.’ Sergeant C hesitates, torn between his job and us. ‘Right, straight to the stream and nowhere else. I’ll be back as soon as I can.’ He breaks into a jog as he starts back up to the gate.
The straps of my bag are cutting into my shoulder where my T-shirt is damp, and it is a relief to finally reach the shade of the willow. I have to clear out some empty cans and cigarette butts, which is unusual, so I’m not that surprised when I hear Kit and Neil shouting with fury. I pull the tresses of the willow apart and look down to the stream where their dam has been trashed. Bunches of twigs and rope are strewn across the banks and caught in the roots and stones protruding from the bottom which is now clearly visible through the remaining few inches of murky water. There are stranded puddles along the edge where the gnats are clustering.
I watch as they work out their anger. They kick the remnants further apart and then to each other, whooping as tiny muddy sheets of spray spatter their legs and clothes. I return under the willow and carefully choose a spot to lie down with my book open in front of me, reading to the sounds of shouts and splashes outside. When I notice the return date on the library stamp in the front cover, I wonder whether we will be near enough to bring it back, or will Mum have to post it, and how will she know the address? I decide that I will not tell her about it today because I don’t want to return it now when I am only just at the beginning.
I bury the book as far down my bag as it will go and pull out my sketchbook instead. As I sit up, I think I feel rain falling lightly, but when I hold out my hand and wait, there are no droplets to see. I carry on laying out the pages I want to use and spread my pencils nearby. But just in case, I poke my bare feet out through the fringe of leaves so that I can feel if it sta
rts raining outside before it works its way through the canopy and on to my pictures. In moving, some of the strands of leaves fall across my back like a cool sheet. There is a tap as a ladybird drops on to the page in front of me and shakes its wings before folding them in under its hard, spotty shell. I rest my head on my arm while I add a small ladybird to my picture. The pencil makes a soft scratching sound on the surface of the paper as I shade it in and I think that this is the most perfect place to be.
Chapter Sixteen
1988
I meet Neil at the police station. He’s on duty and stiff in his uniform. He looks unhappy, and I wish I could say something to make it better for him.
‘I think I might know who broke in.’
‘You better come through,’ he says and opens a door to a small room with bare walls and a table and four chairs. I sit down and pull the khaki pocket flap out of the bag and put it on the table between us.
‘After I was knocked to the floor, I tried to grab whoever it was and caught his trousers. He kicked me in the face to get free.’ I push the fabric across to Neil. ‘I must have pulled it off.’
‘You want me to search everyone in town and look for a pair of cargo pants with a missing pocket flap?’
I shake my head and take a deep breath trying to tell it in the right way.
‘He smelt of smoke and said “shitting fuck” when he couldn’t get to the door.’ Neil’s face is blank. ‘Mace said “shitting fuck” when he came to our house that time when Danny and his mum stayed with us. I remember because I’d never heard anyone say that before.’ I know it sounds weak, so I reach across for his hand and take it before he can move away.
‘Something was taken, something that no one else but Ray knows about. I didn’t notice until later, but I think I need to get it back fast.’ Neil tries to pull his hand away, but I hold it tight. ‘The thing is I need to stop Mace getting it to Ray, at least until I can work out why he wants it.’
Neil turns my hand over and back again as though looking for clues in the lines on my palm.
‘Please, Neil, can’t you search his place? Isn’t the pocket flap and the voice enough?’
‘Are you 100% sure that it was Mace?’ I hold my hand up, thumb holding down my little finger the way that Neil and Kit used to do it. Scouts’ honour.
He sighs and stands up.
‘Wait here, I’ll talk to the officer handling your case and see what he says.’ He stops at the door. ‘And, I suppose this is the “something” he wanted all along? You just decided not to tell me?’
‘No … yes.’ I pull a face. ‘Yes. Sorry.’
Eva is waiting for me at the café with the list I’d asked for. I hug her tight and, for a moment, she is the old Eva laughing and conspiring with Mum.
‘You know this might not be enough for Kit though, don’t you?’ She looks at me, serious again.
I nod. I shouldn’t have dragged him back here, none of it was his fault, really. ‘I know. You’re keeping him safe until I can make things right, aren’t you?’ As if I wouldn’t have worked out that Kit would be staying with her.
Eva laughs. ‘Smart girl! Now, off you go,’ she shoos me out of the café, ‘I managed perfectly well on my own before you got here, young lady.’
My next meeting is more complicated and it’s already getting dark when I step out on to the High Street. There’s a haze of drizzle and the smell of fish and fat leaks through it as I pass the chip shop. I don’t notice anyone step out until his face is in front of mine.
‘Think that was clever, do you? Well, they didn’t find anything.’ It’s Mace. His face is twisted and distorted in the failing light. He laughs. ‘Didn’t find it because it’s gone now. Like you should be.’
I take a step back away from his hot breath and his bulging eyes. He grabs my arms, and I struggle to pull free.
‘Now, you’re gonna go back to the station and tell them you made a mistake when you thought it was me. Then you’re going to get that brother of yours and leave and don’t ever come back to this town.’
‘Where is it?’ I shout in his face.
‘It’s somewhere safe, which is more than you are. Look for it if you want, but if I was you, I’d run.’
I break out of his grip and step back into someone right behind me and scream. They hold me tight so I don’t fall, and when I look back, Mace has gone.
‘What the hell was that about?’ It’s Carol. She’s holding a packet of chips and the oily smell of them makes me double over retching.
‘Mug of tea, please!’ Carol sits me down at one of the Formica tables in front of the counter in the chippy.
‘I’m fine,’ I search her face to see if she’s still angry with me.
‘No, you’re not.’ A mug of steaming tea is put down in front of me and I let my hands burn as I wrap them around it. ‘Sounded like he was threatening you.’
I don’t know why I tell her about the breakin, but she listens and gradually I feel my heart slow.
‘Well, I’m pretty sure Bill wouldn’t have been to see Ray and I bet he’s not the letter writing sort.’ She wrinkles up her forehead as she thinks. ‘So, how could Ray have got to him. I mean, who would carry a message like that?’
I don’t want to tell her what I think because she wouldn’t want it to be true.
‘It doesn’t make any sense,’ she wipes a pile of salt off the table, ‘we had confirmation of Ray’s parole hearing, it’s next week. I mean, he could just wait and come himself.’ She stops herself a moment. ‘That’s why you wanted the job, isn’t it, so you’d know when he was coming out?’
‘And anything else he might have told his solicitor.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t know about that.’
‘Carol, thank you.’
She sighs. ‘Well, I guess we’ve all got bits of our past we want to make up for, haven’t we?’
Chapter Seventeen
1976
I wake with a start and feel the hint of a hot breeze like a muggy breath. I hear a shout from outside that isn’t Neil or Kit and pull my feet in so quickly that I scrape one across a protruding root and a smear of blood appears on my heel. I hold still while I try to work out what’s going on behind me. The fronds of the willow start to shake as someone walks around the tree pulling their hand across the leaves, setting them dancing and whispering and the hazy light flickering into my shade. I hear someone else walking around the other side, and now I can see the backs of three or maybe four boys between the tree and where Neil and Kit were rebuilding the dam.
‘Oi, Stanton, thought we’d find you here if we waited long enough. Do you like the improvements we made to your little project?’ The boy laughs, and a cigarette butt falls to the ground among the trailing leaves, the end glowing against the dry earth. I am just about to try and put my flip-flop down on it when a black boot jabs into the ground crushing it underneath.
‘What do you want, Mickey?’ I hear Kit say. ‘And how come it takes four of you to ask?’ I know he is trying to catch my attention because that’s not his normal way of talking.
‘I want a word with that little sister of yours, mate, and I don’t want no interference from you and your pig-spawn buddy here. Well, where is she?’ There is a noise that sounds like Neil starting to talk and then stops suddenly.
‘Don’t,’ says Kit, and then more loudly, ‘she’s at home, packing. We’re leaving, so that should make you happy.’
‘Don’t believe you. She’ll be round here somewhere, boys. Have a look.’
I have silently put my things in the bag and am scooting backwards on my bum towards the side of the tree away from the stream when the leaves part and a hand clamps over my mouth. I try to bite it before a head pops in, and I see that it’s Ruth’s boyfriend.
‘Debbie asked me,’ he whispers, and then pulls me out, lifting me to my feet, and we run up towards the trees surrounding the play park. I look back and see Mickey’s back and Kit and Neil, much shorter, facing him. I think Kit sees me
because when Mickey starts to turn around, Kit leaps for him and is knocked over. We climb the little fence into the play park and drop down beside Debbie and Ruth who are crouching behind the slide.
‘They’ve really got it in for you, we heard them talking as we passed that gate,’ says Debbie. ‘We’d better run, come on!’ She and Ruth stand up.
I look back down to where Mickey and his friends have surrounded Kit and Neil, who look very small by comparison.
‘I can’t go home without Kit,’ I say and hug myself tight while I watch one of Mickey’s friends knock Neil over. Kit leans down to help him up and is pushed over again too.
‘Come on, Robyn, please!’ says Debbie. ‘We can fetch someone to help!’
I give her a quick hug and shake my head. ‘It’s too late, anyway,’ I say as I see Neil, who is being held around the neck, pointing towards me. Mickey cries out.
‘Shit!’ says Ruth and the three of them turn and sprint towards the gate out of the park as I start running back down towards Kit. He is being held tight between Mickey and Black Boots. Three against four is not so bad, I think, because now I’m proper angry.
‘Leave him alone!’ I drop my bag when I get near and put my head down. The blood is boiling in my ears and my voice sounds far away. ‘I didn’t hurt your horrible sister, but I’m not sorry somebody else did!’ I shout. I squint up and see Kit pulling himself out of Mickey’s grip as Mickey steps to meet me, and then I am pushed roughly to one side and the shadow of a cowboy hat falls over me.
A voice I recognise says, ‘She’s right. You ought to be looking for me.’ Ray stops in front of Mickey, who is hopping from foot to foot. Ray leans slightly into him and smiles.
‘Your sister, was it? She cried like a baby. Reckon you will too.’ Mickey swings a fist up towards Ray’s face and I watch just long enough to see Ray turn it away easily. Kit has managed to get away from Black Boots and pulls me up as Ray lands a punch on Mickey that crunches into his face and sends him spinning back towards his mates. They don’t even move. Neil ducks out of the way, as Mickey falls to the ground, and runs to join us.
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