by Tony Parsons
When she returned home and headed back to school, Deborah racked her brain for a way to see Steele again. Although she had a driving licence, she seldom had access to her mother’s car and never during the week. She was sometimes able to use the car at weekends but only under certain conditions; it was usually to a girlfriend’s place not far out of town. She hated the prospect of lying to her mother about why she wanted her car. There were few women more capable of seeing through a lie than her mother, for few women had had more practice in searching for the truth.
And then, Deborah thought of Billy Sanders. Surely, Billy would be able to take a note to Steele.
Billy was quite amenable to delivering a note for the prettiest girl in school and duly handed it to Steele. His mentor read it, then tore it up and threw it in the waste paper basket with a shake of his head. When Steele didn’t answer, Deborah sent a second, more urgently-worded note. Steele read it, too, and then went in to town to discuss this development with Glenda. He showed her the note and asked if she’d agree to him seeing Deborah for the purpose of giving her the brush-off.
Glenda, having a sandwich in her chambers during the lunch recess, looked at the second note and sighed. She realised from personal experience how traumatic adolescence and adolescent crushes could be. In effect, teenagers had changed from children to young adults yet lacked the emotional maturity and experience of the latter.
“If I don’t see Deborah and get this sorted, she’s likely to become more desperate and do something over the top. Don’t you agree?” Steele asked.
Glenda frowned as she read through her daughter’s note for the second time. The ‘have to see you again’ sentence in it suggested a deeply affected girl. Glenda hadn’t had many strong differences of opinion with her daughter but she recognised that this infatuation posed a potential problem. Some girls were likely to do anything where a man was concerned. She’d known of girls who killed themselves over failed romances and rejection.
“I suppose so. Where would you see Debbie?”
“Where indeed?” Steele asked.
“You can’t very well meet her alone at either of our houses and if you meet publicly, there’ll be gossip. You’ve got the running, Clay. Can you suggest a venue?” Glenda asked.
“What about me asking Debbie to come with Billy and me to the coast. We’ll have a surf, some lunch and then come home again,” Steele said.
“That sounds sensible and relatively harmless,” Glenda agreed. She looked at Steele and then patted his arm. “I’m sorry, Clay. I really am. I know how much you want to be left alone to do your writing. This business with Debbie is a real imposition.”
“These things happen, Glenda. I didn’t imagine I’d be confronted with anything like Debbie but it’s happened and I’ll have to deal with it,” Steele said.
“There’s only one consolation,” Glenda said.
“What’s that?”
“Be thankful that you don’t have Donna as well as Debbie to deal with. Donna was your greatest fan. We had a big row because I wanted her to do law or medicine and she dug her toes in and said she was going to do journalism. You were her knight in shining armour. And I wouldn’t have any influence over Donna now. Such was the level of her infatuation that if she was aware that you’re living close by, I wouldn’t put it past her to throw in her job and come home to meet you,” Glenda said.
She’d asked Debbie not to mention Steele to her sister in her correspondence or when Donna rang home from England, and she was fairly certain there was no way that Debbie was going to tell her sister about Steele and risk bringing her home where she’d be formidable competition.
Steele laughed. “Well, thank heavens. I’m not sure I could handle two infatuated young women. I’m struggling enough with one.”
The following weekend, Glenda drove her daughter out to Jerogeree, and Steele, Billy and Deborah piled into Steele’s van for the trip to the coast. Deborah was wearing a red one-piece bathing suit under her skirt and T-shirt. This wasn’t the costume she’d intended wearing but Glenda had caught her modelling a yellow bikini and had appropriated it. While she was a fairly broad-minded woman and had a lot of trust in Steele, Glenda considered that the yellow bikini revealed altogether too much of Deborah and she considered it unwise to so blatantly advertise what her daughter had to offer.
At the coast, the trio surfed for an hour or so and then had a spell on the beach. They lay on towels under a brightly coloured beach umbrella Glenda had loaned them for the trip. After a little while, Steele suggested to Billy that he have another surf and he winked while doing so. He’d spent some time trying to explain to the boy what a crush did to a girl, or a young man for that matter. He said that the trip to the beach was really in the nature of an attempt to dissuade Debbie from trying to see him. Billy took the hint and ran back into the surf and Steele was left alone with Debbie.
“Okay, Debbie, what’s your problem?” Steele asked forthrightly.
The girl sat up and looked at him. “I think I’m in love with you, Clay,” she said. Her mother had always encouraged her and her sister to speak their minds, so she wasn’t reluctant to say what she felt.
“What makes you think that?” Steele asked.
“The way I feel… wonderful one moment and wretched the next,” Debbie said.
“Has this happened previously?” Steele asked.
“Never. I’ve never felt like this any other time. What am I going to do?” she asked.
“You’re going to try to get over it,” Steele said bluntly.
“But I don’t want to forget you. I want to be with you,” Debbie said defiantly.
“You can’t, Debbie.”
“Is it because of my age? Do you think I’m too young for you? Is that it?” she asked appealingly.
“It’s mainly because I’m not looking for a relationship of any kind. I’ve found my feet again after being ill and I hope that I’ll be able to stay well. I’ve also got Billy to consider. Yes, you’re too young. You’re still at school and next year, you’ll be at university. You’re a really nice girl, Debbie, and smart too. I’m flattered that you think you feel as you do about me, but it takes two to have a relationship and I won’t be the other party. What do you see in me, anyway? It’s always been my belief that teenagers consider thirty-plusses to be positively ancient,” Steele said with a smile.
“What a question. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I only know that I want to be with you… Clay,” she said.
“In three months, six at most, you’ll have forgotten about me. You’ll have to, Debbie,” Steele said, trying to keep the discussion firm but light-hearted.
“Is there something about me you don’t like?”
“Not a thing. You’re a nice girl with a lot of brains. If I was a young fellow, I’d think you were pretty terrific. I really would. It’s not just you, Debbie. Like I said, I’m not looking for a relationship with a woman of any age. Apart from the fact that it would complicate my life no end, I like being on my own. I walked away from my last girlfriend and she was gorgeous, too. Look, it’s hard to explain why I came to Jerogeree and I don’t expect you to understand any of it,” Steele said.
“I’d like to try,” she said.
“It would be pointless, Debbie. I’m simply a writer who wishes to be left alone. I’m out of your field,” Steele said.
“Please don’t treat me as a juvenile ignoramus, Clay. I may not be a best-selling writer but I’m in the top three at school. I’m far more aware of people’s problems than most teenagers, thanks to Mother. If you’ve got a problem, I’d like to hear it,” she said.
“I’m not disposed to debate the matter with you, Debbie,” Steele said tautly.
“Has Mother asked you not to see me?” she asked.
“Your mother hasn’t said anything of the kind. She agreed that I should talk to you. Naturally, she’s concerned about this crush you seem to have for me. Glenda gave me Billy to look after and she wouldn’t want to s
ee me involved in a relationship that would affect her decision. Then, there’s your age and the fact that you’re still at high school,” Steele said.
Debbie tossed her head and huffed loudly. “What you’re really saying is that you’ve got time for Billy but not for me. He’s more important to you than I am.”
Steele took a deep breath. “He certainly is right now. I’m responsible for him while his mother is indisposed. There’s also the fact that I don’t have any special feeling for you beyond a hastily formed opinion that you’re a nice girl who’ll probably develop into an impressive woman like your mother. I’d probably have the same view about your older sister, too. Right now, I’m in the middle of another book and that, along with Billy Sanders, is my major priority,” Steele said as kindly as he could manage.
Tears welled in her eyes. “So, there’s no hope for me at all?”
“I wouldn’t put it as melodramatically as that, Debbie. It isn’t the end of the world for you. As I see it, a girl with your talents should have the world at her feet.”
Deborah looked down the beach to where Billy had just emerged from the surf and was on his way back to them. “Can I still come and see you?” she asked.
“If you come with your mother,” Steele said.
“Surely I’m old enough not to need a nursemaid.”
“It’s because you’re a lovely seventeen-year-old girl, soon to be eighteen, that you can’t come and see me on your own,” Steele said firmly.
“Not even when Billy’s there with you?” she persisted.
“Not even when Billy’s there. This is a one-off occasion so that I could explain to you where you stand. It had your mother’s approval,” Steele said.
A tear trickled down the girl’s cheek. “Why does being in love make me so unhappy? I thought it was supposed to make a person feel quite wonderful,” she said thickly.
“It doesn’t usually make you feel unhappy, Debbie. You’re unhappy because I don’t return your feelings and I’m sorry about that. You can’t make a person love you. Not that that should be a worry where you’re concerned. I’ll bet half the boys at school are mad about you. Billy says that you’re the most discussed girl in the school,” Steele said with his gentle smile.
“They’re only boys, Clay. They aren’t like you.”
“Give them a chance to be, Debbie. They’ll grow up. In a few years, they’ll be doctors and engineers and architects and maybe one of them will even be a writer. You’ll have a degree and you’ll have met a lot of fellows. I’ll guarantee you’ll fall in love, properly in love, with one of them,” Steele said.
“You’re being patriarchal and condescending, Clay. The bottom line is that Billy is more important to you than a relationship with me,” Debbie said.
“With you or any other woman,” Steele corrected. “And Billy needs me. He’s very gifted musically and if he’s nurtured properly, he could have a bright future. He doesn’t have the advantage of a clever and concerned mother as in your case. He’s had a tough time with an abusive father figure and none of the advantages that come from having a parent who can help him make a good future for himself. If I turned my back on Billy while his mother is lying helpless in hospital, I’d be a poor kind of man,” Steele said firmly.
Debbie looked at him through tear-streaked eyes. “I’m sorry, Clay. I didn’t know.”
“How could you? Would you like to surf again?” he asked, trying to distract the blubbering teenager.
“Why not? I might as well get as much as I can out of today’s outing seeing that it’s a one-off occasion,” she said.
Steele stood and held out his hand. She took it and then ran ahead of him down to the water. “Race you there, Billy,” she said as she ran past him.
Steele watched her and shook his head. Debbie was a sweet girl and he hoped that one day she’d find someone worthy of her.
“How did it go, Debbie? The day, I mean?” Glenda asked that night over dinner.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Mother.”
“If that’s what you prefer,” said the diplomatic Glenda. “I did go through what you’re going through, Debbie.”
“You were in love with someone at seventeen who didn’t want you?”
“I thought I was. It amounted to the same thing at the time,” Glenda said. “You think all your Christmases have come at once. Nobody can tell you it isn’t love. And occasionally, very occasionally, it really is.”
“Was it someone as good as Clay?” Deborah asked.
“No, it wasn’t. But he seemed pretty good at the time. Most girls think their first love is rather special. Some are and some aren’t. You aren’t ready for the likes of Clay, dear. You need to grow up a bit. Then, there’s the fact that Clay has plans that don’t include you, Debbie. Or any woman at all. Try and forget him or you’ll be very unhappy and it will affect your school work,” Glenda said and patted her daughter’s shoulder.
“How can you forget a man like Clay?” Deborah asked. “I mean, he’s like amazing, isn’t he?”
“You need to forget him by getting involved in other things and by working damned hard at school and getting a top pass. Love is a tough business and you need to learn how to handle it. You’re fortunate that Clay is the kind of man he is because a lot of men would have you in bed with them quick and lively. Some men will go as far as they’re allowed and a girl in love will often give them what they want. A girl thinks if she doesn’t come across, the guy won’t want her. I see the consequences of this kind of ‘love’ all the time. It’s usually the children of love-struck teenage girls that suffer. What you should understand is that young girls have a special attraction for men. Why do so many rich, old men marry younger women? Well, with some men, it’s the younger the better. Don’t mope about and feel sorry for yourself, Debbie. What you feel now for Clay will pass and you’ll move on. Believe me, you will,” Glenda said.
“And what if it doesn’t pass?”
“I hate hypothetical questions, Debbie. They only create more heartache. Let’s stay with the here and now and leave the future right out of it.”
“I know you mean well, Mum, and I realise you believe I’m too immature for Clay, but I feel I’m mature enough to understand that men like Clay don’t come along too often. You were clever and yet you married an entirely unsuitable man,” Debbie said.
“You’re right, I did. I married a man who could charm the pants off a nun. I thought he was wonderful at the time. But there was one major difference; Hugh wanted me. Clay doesn’t want you. I’ve told you that I doubt he wants any woman. Not to live with, anyway. Hugh said he didn’t want to live without me and I believed him. You’re learning what it’s like to be a woman, Debbie. Men can be great or hellish. Somehow or other, we learn to cope with them. But don’t let men rule your life. Be someone before you commit yourself to a man. By that time, you’ll know what you want out of life,” Glenda said. She realised that nothing she said would make Debbie feel better in the short term and that it would take time for her to get over what she presently felt for Clay. It was unfortunate that Debbie had met Clay at this point of her life because she’d negotiated the silly mid-teen period without any problems. It was inevitable that Debbie would fall for a man sooner or later, but Glenda had hoped it would be the latter. A woman was a woman and falling for a man was as natural as night following day.
But Deborah wasn’t finished. “Would you give Donna the same advice?” she asked. “Would you try and steer her away from Clay?”
“That’s another hypothetical question, Debbie. You seem to want to be deliberately confrontational today. It’s not Donna I’m concerned about, it’s you,” Glenda said tartly.
“But Donna is going to come home and you’re not going to be able to hide Clay from her forever. You know very well that she did journalism because of him. I heard the rows you had with her about it. How do you think I’ll feel if Donna goes after him? More to the point, how do you think I’ll feel if she gets him becau
se you won’t allow me to see him?” Deborah asked with a break in her voice.
“You’re talking about something that is very unlikely to happen. I doubt that Clay would be interested in any young woman, Donna included. He doesn’t want children and what woman would want to marry a man who doesn’t want a family?” Glenda said.
“How absurd when Clay is already looking after a teenage boy?”
“That’s a different matter entirely. Billy presents an intellectual and emotional challenge. Clay feels that if he can help Billy become a successful vocalist and performer, he’ll have partly atoned for the awful things in Billy’s past. But because of his past illness, he doesn’t want a family. If that illness were to re-occur and he didn’t survive it, he wouldn’t want to leave children without a father,” Glenda said.
“You seem to have learned a lot about Clay in a short time,” Deborah observed. “If you were younger, I’d say you were keen on him. You’re a mite too old for him, Mother,” she said sharply.
“Of course, I am,” Glenda said rather too quickly. “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy Clay’s company, and I do. And we haven’t even started to talk about books yet.”
Billy was hugely impressed that Steele had given Debbie Butler the heave-ho. He reckoned that Debbie was the best-looking girl he’d ever seen. The other guys at school, especially the older boys, all agreed with him. They talked about her tits, her bum and her legs, and they all reckoned that Debbie was the girl they’d like to be seen with away from school.
Billy was still reluctant to talk to Steele about some subjects. The reason Steele had given Debbie the flick was one of them. It was quite obvious to him that Debbie was mad about Mr Clay. Billy knew what men and women did in bed because his mother had explained it to him in graphic detail. Lilly, being Lilly, had thought this was a very necessary part of her son’s education. So, it seemed a huge sacrifice on his mentor’s part not to take advantage of what Debbie had to offer. Or, what he imagined she had to offer.