by Suzi Davis
“How did you remember?” he asked again, turning to me with desperate eyes. I couldn’t resist the urge to please him, the automatic need to fulfill his wants.
“Clarke proposed to me – sort of. He gave me a promise ring,” I explained hurriedly. A hint of a smirk appeared on Sebastian’s face, I narrowed my eyes at him. “Anyway, I suppose he was a little nervous and when he spoke, the words all came out jumbled together. When he said my name, it sounded like he said my true name – Gracelynn Stevenson.”
“Your true name?”
“Yes. It’s the name I identify myself – my true self – with. Gracelynn is who I am when I’m with you, who I’m meant to be all the time,” I tried to explain. I played with my necklace as I spoke, Sebastian’s dark, wise eyes noticing every tiny gesture and movement I made.
“That’s all – you’re certain?” Sebastian questioned, his eyes intense.
“That’s all it took. I wanted to remember so badly – the only missing piece was hearing my true name, the name of my forgotten self.” Sebastian’s shoulders slumped in disappointment, the bright excitement vanishing from his eyes like a candle snuffed out.
“I had hoped maybe you’d inadvertently found a way for me to remember too. That would partially explain how you were able to regain your memories – because though I didn’t directly want you to remember me, I certainly did want to find a way to remember who I am,” he explained with a sigh. “But I’ve heard my name spoken a million times and I’ve wanted to remember for so long…”
“But you’ve never been called your full, true name,” I argued softly. It seemed so obvious to me, I couldn’t believe I had to even point it out. Sebastian’s eyes widened as the realization hit him.
“Seamus… you think I used to be called Seamus? It is possible, the name is familiar,” he whispered, the excitement returning as a flash in his nearly black eyes. I was swept up by his sudden enthusiasm once more, forgetting my anger for the moment. “Your dream – you’ve got to try and remember the rest of it, Gracelynn. I need to know my full name. Please, you’ve got to try,” he begged. He crossed the room in two quick steps, picking my hands up and holding them, his beautiful, exquisite face suddenly so close to mine. I had forgotten the way my body reacted to his touch; burning, tingling warmth rose from his fingertips and flowed over my skin. I had to sternly remind myself that I was still very, very angry with Sebastian, that I wasn’t planning on forgiving him for many years to come. I took a quick and firm step back, flinching from his touch as if burnt. A brief, hurt expression flashed across his face again, though this time the pain of my rejection lingered in his eyes.
“I’ll try,” I agreed, speaking gently and cautiously in order to take some of the sting out of my actions. I still couldn’t stand to be the cause of Sebastian’s pain.
“Will you try now?” His eyes were bright, his face alight with a tentative, innocent hope that I’d never seen within him before. I realized then what a toll the struggle to remember must have taken on him. I knew from my own recent experience just how frustrating and confusing it could be to forget yourself. It was ridiculous – I hadn’t spoken to him in months, he’d stolen my memories from me and very nearly abandoned me to a sad, meaningless life and really all I wanted was to yell at him for hours and then kiss him for days. Yet the first thing he asked me for that he wanted, I was powerless to deny.
“I’ll try but I’m not promising anything,” I warned. He smiled back at me.
“I know you can do it, Gracelynn,” he pronounced confidently. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, causing him to chuckle softly. Before I could remember how furious I still was, I caught myself smiling. I had a sneaking suspicion that he had wanted me to forget; I had to admit, it was easier to.
I walked across the room to his large, four post bed and calmly lay down on top of the cool, dark sheets. I immediately relaxed and felt at home as I sunk into the familiar and comfortable mattress, closing my eyes and deeply breathing in the delicious scent of Sebastian that clung to the sheets. I slowed my breathing, letting all my limbs relax and grow heavy except for my one hand that tightly clasped my necklace on my chest.
I felt Sebastian’s weight settle near the foot of the bed. I didn’t need to open my eyes to know he sat there, watching me. Though he was dead silent, I could feel his eyes on my face, I was aware of his presence like the warmth from the sun.
At first I thought it was going to be impossible to relax after all that had happened in the past few hours. I imagined there was no way I would be able to fall asleep lying inches apart from Sebastian, right under his watchful, curious eyes. It was easy to relax here though, after months of confusion I finally felt whole and at peace – I was at home. The many restless nights had taken their toll also, and my weary mind quickly and easily drifted off into sleep. For a heartbeat, I felt my consciousness hesitate on the cusp of dreams and reality. Here in this forgotten moment between sleep and awake, I could sense that there were memories, other dreams, other lives that I had lived. This strange awareness abruptly vanished and was forgotten almost as soon as I identified it. I fell into the deeper rhythms of sleep. The dream came immediately as if summoned by my intent.
Everything was clearer this time, the scene as vivid and detailed as if I were really there, as if I were living the moment and not just distantly remembering.
“Seamus,” I whispered in a weak and unfamiliar voice. It was too high, too soft but with a strange yet familiar rhythm and cadence to the way I spoke. I struggled to focus my eyes but my vision was slowly starting to blur, all the colors around me were fading, becoming muted and soft beneath the moon’s glow. I lay on the cool moss-covered ground in the center of a small clearing in the woods. It was quiet here, peaceful even, the sky above me was a blanket of sparkling stars, the air filled with the heavy, perfumed scent of lavender.
“I’m here,” Sebastian answered, his voice low and familiar. He spoke like I did, with the same accent, I realized. The lilt with which he spoke was more pronounced than what I was used to. I searched for his face and sighed with relief when I found him. His hair was longer and hung in tangled and messy black waves that curled around his ears. His face looked exactly the same – beautiful, perfect, intriguing, mysterious. But something was wrong with him, I realized in confusion. Tears filled his bloodshot eyes and rolled down his cheeks, his expression so devastatingly anguished that I almost gasped from the force of his pain.
“Oh my love, don’t cry for me,” I pleaded softly in that strange, sweet voice. “I told you, you’ll find me again in my next life; we’ll be together once more and through the Binding our magic will be stronger than ever – my strength will be yours and yours mine. No one will ever keep us apart again,” I promised him, my voice weak but my words strong.
“Please, Caoilinn, I don’t want you to die,” he begged, his tears flowing faster now.
“It’s too late,” I answered, sad but peaceful for I knew this was not the end. “This is goodbye but only for now. I love you.”
He bent his beautiful dark head to bring his lips to mine, his warm, salty tears dripping down to my skin, burning where they touched.
“I love you. More than anything,” he pronounced roughly, his voice thick with his emotion. I wanted to comfort him more, to take him in my arms and reassure him but I simply no longer had the strength. My vision had faded even more and I could now see no further than his perfect, angel’s face, the forest beyond dimmed and blurred with the shadows.
“Our souls will be bound together, bearing the mark for all eternity.” The words barely escaped my lips, my voice fainter than a whisper on the wind. Sebastian nodded though, as he seemingly heard and understood every word. I sighed. I was so tired; it was so hard not to close my eyes, to give in to the welcoming, warm, darkness. I gathered my strength, focusing all my will on my last words, my last act. “I’ll love you forever, Seamus Maitiu Coghlan.” I breathed the words with the last of my breath, gathering the remainder of my
strength to gently press my necklace into his warm yet trembling hand. The amber pendant flared red hot between our palms, the heat increasing to a burning, blistering inferno. And I was simultaneously consumed by scorching, fiery pain and peaceful, numbing darkness as the world slipped away around me and I fell into icy, cold blackness.
My eyelids flew open in shock. I sucked in a deep and frantic breath, clutching the smooth sheets beneath me as if I were holding onto reality, clinging to life.
“Gracelynn? Are you okay?” Sebastian’s handsome face immediately appeared close to mine. For a second I thought I was still asleep, then all my memories came flooding back to me.
“No,” I whispered back. I nearly sighed with relief at the familiar sound of my own voice. Instead I began crying, my whole body trembling all over.
Sebastian hesitated only a moment before pulling me up into his arms. I clutched at him, holding myself as close to him as I could manage. He responded to my desperate need, holding me even tighter, crushing me against his chest in a tight embrace. He held me silently, patiently waiting for my wracking sobs to subside. Slowly his grip on me relaxed as my tears slowed and then stopped. I felt his warm hands gently stroking my hair, his soft lips brushing against my forehead.
I was still angry with Sebastian. A part of me still felt hurt and betrayed and furious at what he had done. That part was rapidly getting smaller, its voice fainter, the heat of my anger cooling. A different fire was starting to kindle within me now, burning strong and bright, warming and tingling through my whole body, focusing on the points where he touched me, where his skin met mine. I was filled by this new heat, my whole body glowed and vibrated with it. The warmth spread quickly, flowing through my body, reaching out to my fingertips, flushing my cheeks and parting my full lips. It was so easy, so natural I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing. I slowly tilted my head up, his lips finding mine with a passion as sweet and wild as my own.
In that moment there was nothing confusing about my relationship with Sebastian. There was nothing to think about, no questions, no doubts, no complications. It was as natural as breathing, as simple and perfect as true love is meant to be.
Our lips met as he slowly and gently kissed me, his mouth sweet and tender against my own. His hands gently cradled my face, his thumbs lovingly stroking my cheeks as his lips brushed mine, kissing my top lip, then my bottom. My hands slipped comfortably around his neck, the feel of his warm, smooth skin luxurious to my touch. I pulled him closer, quickly becoming lost in my need for him, the overwhelming, all-consuming passion and love that I felt for him. He kissed me harder, more urgently, his need rising to meet my own. And that’s when reason slowly began to return to me, a faint echo, a murmur in the corner of my mind. This wasn’t the right time, things were rapidly becoming too intense between us and I knew, in the back of my mind, there were more important matters that needed to be dealt with first. I broke my lips apart from his, my breathing uneven, my hands trembling. Then I slowly and reluctantly pulled away.
“Sorry,” I murmured, feeling a little embarrassed as I sat up on his bed, my eyes shyly averted.
“I’m sorry,” he immediately apologized, his voice heavy with genuine regret. “Gracelynn, I should never have-”
“No, don’t – not now,” I interrupted. He looked about to protest but I quickly rushed on, hoping to distract him. “I can’t forgive you yet but I don’t want to be angry either. There will be time for apologies later. Anyway, you were right about the dream being a memory from a past life. I saw it so clearly this time. It was so long ago but we were both there…” He considered me in silence, our breathing had both slowed to a regular pace before he responded.
“What did you remember?” he eventually asked in a hushed voice.
I shuddered as I recalled. “It was terrifying… I was dying.” I struggled to push the memory aside, to forget the cold numbness that had spread through my body, the way the world had dimmed and faded away around me, the fiery, blistering pain that had consumed me at the very end. “We were in the woods, in a clearing. I was lying on the ground, bleeding – I’m not sure what had happened. My voice sounded different, it was higher and softer and I had an accent, like yours,” I added with a brief smile. “My name was Caoilinn.”
“Kee-linn,” he echoed. The name flew from his lips like an ecstatic gasp. His eyes unfocused for a second, and then quickly refocused on my face, his expression full of wonder and a hint of fear. I could tell the name meant something to him, had sparked some form of recognition. How strange that it was so unfamiliar and detached to me. He said no more, patiently waiting for me to continue.
“And I think I remembered your name, your whole name.” I paused, glancing at him uncertainly. He reached for my hand, squeezing it gently, encouragingly. I didn’t have the heart to pull away from him, didn’t have the strength to disappoint him. The words burst from my lips before I could change my mind.
“Seamus… Maitiu… Coghlan,” I slowly pronounced.
His dark eyes flew wide open as I quietly spoke his long-forgotten name. In that instant I knew that he remembered, that I had been right. He recognized his true, given name and with the return of it came all his lost and forgotten memories. He almost smiled before his face suddenly crumpled and twisted in unimaginable pain.
Sebastian screamed in agony, the sound so terrifying that I swear my heart stopped beating. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and clutched his head between his hands as his piercing cries filled the room. Before I could even react, he tumbled from the bed, hitting the floor hard on his side and then writhing in agony upon the ground. His back arched in pain as another horrific cry escaped his lips. The sound of it sent shivers down my spine, made me freeze in horror. It all happened so fast; it felt like I was watching a nightmare play out in front of my eyes. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t think.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Mr. Jenson demanded as he came bursting into Sebastian’s room. My limbs came unfrozen, my brain jarred out of its shocked, horrified lockdown as Sebastian screamed and writhed on the floor beside the bed. Mr. Jenson dropped to Sebastian’s side, his eyes wide in alarm.
“I… he… remembered. He’s remembering – everything,” I desperately explained. I had to shout over Sebastian’s anguished screams. I scrambled to the floor, kneeling beside his thrashing form. “He’s bleeding!” I exclaimed as I noticed the two thin trails of blood running from Sebastian’s nostrils. “Oh God… what do we do? How do we make it stop?”
“I don’t know,” Mr. Jenson answered. The haunted quality to his voice terrified me. I looked up to see the solemn fear in his eyes.
Sebastian let out another tortured cry before suddenly falling silent. His whole body shook violently as he trembled against the floor, his hands clutching at his head so tightly his knuckles were white against his thick, black hair. Blood began slowly trickling from his ears, sending waves of terror and dread crashing down upon me.
“Please, help him,” I begged Mr. Jenson. “All the memories, it’s too much. He’s losing himself to them,” I explained remembering the terrifying and overwhelming sensation of the few months of lost memories returning to me. It scared me just to imagine how it would feel for hundreds of years of forgotten memories to suddenly flood back into your mind. It would wash you away, I realized in horror. Like a tidal wave crashing down upon you and obliterating all else. There was no way anyone could withstand that. What had I done?
Mr. Jenson looked back at me helplessly, his own panic and fear only a faint echo of my own.
“I don’t know what to do, Grace. I’m not sure if there’s anything we can do…”
“There has to be,” I argued. I couldn’t stand to see Sebastian in so much physical pain, it was torturing me, making me sick to my stomach, frightening me down to my very core.
And so I did the only thing I could think of. With the dream still fresh in my mind, I reached for my amber necklace and tugged it from my neck,
the leather cord breaking as I pulled it free. I firmly but gently reached out and pried Sebastian’s right hand from his head, untangling his fingers from his hair. His muscles felt locked in place, his hand remaining in the shape of a rigid claw as I pulled his arm towards me. All the tendons in his arm and hand stood out, stretched taut beneath the black, twisted tattoo that coiled around his arm. He moaned in pain, his thrashing increasing as his arm twitched back towards his head. Without thinking, I reached down and firmly pressed my necklace into his palm, squeezing it tightly between our two hands. The pendant instantly flared red hot, as I had known it would.
Instantly, Sebastian was silent, falling suddenly motionless and still by my side. I was only able to feel a brief moment of relief as the burning, agonizing heat from the amber pendant erupted in my palm. Hot, searing flames licked my skin, twisting and burning their way up and around my arm. I screamed out loud, closing my eyes against the agonizing pain, trying desperately to release the pendant but my muscles were locked in place, my hand fused to Sebastian’s by the heat. The burning and blistering pain flared up my arm and down my side, wrapping around my chest and binding my heart with its searing heat. The scalding fire consumed me, erasing all my thoughts, blazing through my mind, fire blackening my soul. It was too much for me to handle. I felt no fear, only thankful relief as the peaceful, numbing darkness swept over me and once more, I felt the world fade away.
Chapter Twenty - Moving On
“Grace, dear, can you hear me?” I heard Mr. Jenson’s calm, emotionless voice ask. The sound pulled me back, my consciousness rapidly rising through the thick, black, emptiness that I’d been hiding in. My awareness increased with each passing second. I realized I was lying on the ground; I could feel the cool hardwood floor beneath me. I wasn’t certain how much time had passed but I didn’t imagine long, otherwise Mr. Jenson might have moved me. I realized my necklace was no longer in my hand. My fingers twitched as I thought of it. The sudden searing pain the motion caused caught me off guard. My skin felt like it was stretched tight over my whole arm and down my side, so tight it felt like any slight motion threatened to crack it, to split it wide open. The pain was nauseating and overwhelming. I struggled to remain conscious, focusing on breathing in and out, and lying as still as possible