“I don’t want to!” she screeched, “I told you, Poppa, I hate him. He hates me. We hate each other. It’s that simple!”
“Oh, nothing in life is simple, Kitty. But you manage to make the easy things hard. Me and Sam talked it over…”
“I’ll thank everyone to mind his own business.” She leaped to her feet, tears stinging her eyes furiously. It wasn’t fair that Travis was causing them to argue this way. He was putting a wedge between them and the closeness they’d always shared. So much had happened since last they met and they had so much to make up for without him casting a shadow over their lives.
John continued to chuckle as Travis approached. There was no time for further discussion. He didn’t even nod in Kitty’s direction but sat down beside John and said in a grim voice, his eyes serious: “I just talked with General Grant and I have our orders.”
John nodded. “I figured as much. Well, let’s hear it.”
Travis turned his gaze on Kitty then, cold and accusing. “This is confidential. She may be your daughter, John, but she still has her allegiance to the enemy. I can’t tell our strategy plans in her presence.”
Kitty stamped her foot. “Oh, damn your strategy, Travis Coltrane, and damn you, too!”
“Kitty!” John admonished her.
“I’m sick of all of this. I’m going to ask to be taken to Richmond and I’m going back to help my people. You stay here and do what you have to do, but there’s no point in my staying. Can’t you see what he’s doing to us, Poppa? He’s trying to put a wall between, us, drive us apart. I’m leaving because I can’t bear to watch it happen.”
She turned and started walking down the hill, then turned, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’ll say my goodbyes to you later, Poppa, privately!” And casting one final icy glare in Travis’s direction, she hurried on down the hill toward the camp.
“I’m sorry,” Travis said finally. “It’s been a bad situation for you, I know.”
John nodded thoughtfully. “She’s doing the right thing. Her heart is in the South and always will be. It ain’t right for her to be here with us. And I take it from the look on your face that you have news that’s going to end the calm days of weeks past.”
“Right. We’re heading south with Sherman toward Atlanta. He’s taking an army of over a hundred thousand men and he wants experienced cavalrymen for scouts. He personally asked for the three of us. Sam says he’s ready to go. General Grant requests that we go also.”
John picked up a small stone, sent it skipping down the hill. Kitty, hearing the noise, turned in annoyance. He waved. Travis gave her a mock salute. With a swish of her skirt, she quickened her pace, stumbled, righted herself with as much dignity as she could muster, and continued on her way.
“Travis,” John spoke in a voice evidencing his pessimism. “Just what do you think is goin’ to happen? You think Grant’s plan will work? Do you think the South is ready to buckle under pressure now? You think the time is right?”
“Yes, to every question. We’re going against the Confederate General Joseph Johnston. Our spies tell us he’s reorganized the Army of Tennessee. We can’t be sure of how many men he’s got, but we suspect his strength is nowhere near ours. You and me and Sam will leave soon to do some scouting and try to find out just what kind of strength Johnston’s got. I think this is it, one way or the other. The war can’t go on much longer.”
“I keep asking myself and everyone around me what happens when it does end. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself I’ll be around when it’s over. A lot have died and more will fall. I could well be one of them. So could you. We don’t like to talk about death, but it’s the only certainty we’ve got in life. You ready to die, Coltrane?”
He shook his head firmly. “Nobody is. You can talk about your God and heaven and hell, but when it comes right down to it, no man is sure of what happens when his time comes and he’s scared to face it.”
“Believin’ in a hereafter makes it different. You got to believe in something, Travis, else why make the effort to even get through life?”
“Because we’re put here and we’ve got to live the best we can. We don’t have any choice about living or about dying. If you want to know the truth, I don’t think we’ve got any say-so about how we do either. It just happens. I didn’t ask for this war, but I sure didn’t run from it. And when it’s over, I won’t see how my life has changed too much.”
“And what will you do when it’s over? Do you think about it much?”
Travis shrugged and watched Kitty retreat in the distance, entering a cabin. “Sam will go back to the bayou, I guess. Me, I’m heading for California.”
“That’s a long way off. Why California?”
He grinned. “Because it’s there. But enough about me, old man. What about you and that farm of yours back in North Carolina? You think if we win you can go back there without getting lynched?”
“Oh, I’d try, I reckon. It’s good land. I’ve no place else to go. The war will leave a lot of wounds, true, but I’m hoping everyone will be so grateful to see it end that they’ll want to live in peace from now on.”
They were silent for a moment, then Travis asked the question that was burning in his brain: “What about Kitty, John? What will become of her?”
Sadly, he shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m afraid I goaded her into making a decision to cross the Rapidan and go back to the Confederates. I was afraid she would want to stay with us because of me. We’re going to be on the move and it’s no place for a woman, no matter how strong she is. Kitty’s been through hell but I want her out of it. I figure she’ll run into Nathan, and maybe she’ll be so hurt and disappointed with me—and with you—that she’ll listen to him and do what he tells her. He ain’t much of a man in my opinion. I never did care much for him or his snotty family but I think he’s got balls enough to look after my girl. If he don’t, then when this war is over, if I’m still around, you can believe he’ll answer to me. But I am worried. I’ve got to be honest with you. Wherever she goes, she’s sure to be in the way of the army on either side. No one is going to be safe, I’m afraid, the way things are looking.”
“What makes you think this Nathan will look after her? Andy told me his men under him were starting to think he’s a bit on the cowardly side.”
“For one thing, he’s a gentleman, something he prides himself in being. He’ll look after her. And he wants her. That makes a lot of difference, too, Travis. He’s always wanted her not because she’s so damned pretty but because she was the one thing his daddy’s money couldn’t buy. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He nodded.
John squinted his one eye and looked at him. “You love her, don’t you?” he asked bluntly.
Travis forced a laugh. “Why, John, I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved any woman. I’ve had bad experiences…”
“I ain’t talking about your past. I’m talkin’ about you and Kitty. How do you really and truly feel about her? And I want you to give it to me straight. I’m not so old that I can’t remember how it was when I fancied a woman. I can see it in your eyes. And you can’t tell me you braved all those Cherokee Indians because an old one-eyed man asked you to. You had to have cared.”
Sighing, Travis nodded his head. “Yeah, John, I do care. But it’s something I have to get over. It would never work out. Maybe at another time or place, under different circumstances, Kitty and I would have fallen in love in the right way and been happy together. But we got off to a bad start and everything has worked against us. It’s best she cross that river and we never meet again.”
“I disagree.”
Travis looked at him sharply.
“I have to disagree with you,” John repeated himself. “I know my girl and I know Kitty cares about you, too. I don’t like seeing it end this way.”
“You just got through saying you forced her into making the decision to go back to the South.”
“For her own damn good, Coltra
ne! You think I want her with us? Let her go back to the South but the least you can do is send her back with some kind of understanding between you two. You can let her know you care.”
“Well, why in the hell are you so concerned?” Travis felt anger starting to course through his veins. “She can go back to her Reb officer and probably live a damn sight better life than she’d ever have with me.”
“I’m concerned,” John said patiently, “because I know my girl and I know she loves you and she’ll never be happy with Nathan. And damn it to hell, it’s been pretty hard for me to keep quiet about what I know about him. I haven’t said anything because if he’s the man she wants, then I won’t stand in her way, but I don’t believe he is the man she wants.”
Travis leaned forward. “What are you talking about? What do you know about him that you’re keeping hidden from Kitty?”
John’s face twisted angrily, his one eye squinting in fury. “Nathan rode with the Vigilantes that night.” He ground out the words, almost choking on his anger. “I struggled, tore at a hood. It slipped, not much, but enough for me to see it was him. I didn’t let on. I was afraid if they knew I recognized any of them, they would go on and kill me. ‘Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord’ but if He don’t finish off the scoundrels that took ray eye, you can bet that I will one day.”
Getting to his feet, Travis dusted off the pants of his uniform. “Well, I’m glad you told me. I guess maybe I kept telling myself that this fellow had background, breeding, money—everything I don’t have—and that he was more suited for Kitty than I ever could be. But knowing this, that he’s the type who would hide behind a mask and beat and kill, well, I can’t see how he’s better for her than I am.” He took a few steps down the hill, stopped, and wheeled around. “I’m not saying I’m good enough for her or that, damnit, I even want her. I’m just saying that I’ll…oh hell, I’ll tell her goodbye. That’s the best I can do for now.”
John’s chuckling echoed in his ears as Travis stormed down the hill following the direction Kitty had taken. When he reached the closed cabin door, he pounded on it roughly with his fists, shaking the walls.
The door flew open and Kitty stood there, wide-eyed and surprised. With one quick step, he was inside, kicking the door shut behind him. Looking around the small room, he saw that they were alone; then he reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, spinning her around to pin her against the wall. Leaning forward, so close that she felt his warm breath on her face, he said in a low but firm voice, “Kitty Wright, I came here to tell you that I care about you. I’m the way I am, and I’ll never change, but I couldn’t say goodbye without telling you that no matter what’s happened between us that might leave a bad taste in your mouth, I do give a damn about you.”
Their gaze locked and for a moment, Kitty could not speak. Then she began to sputter, finally exploding: “Do you think I give a damn?” She clawed at the hands clamped so tightly upon her shoulders, but he held them there. “You think it matters to me for you to stand here and say that yes, you do care about me…all those times you…you raped me and mistreated me, that you cared about me? Well, damn you, Travis Coltrane, it doesn’t matter! You are a no-good Yankee dog and I hate you now and I always will…I…”
His lips crushed down on hers, silencing the outpouring of her wrath. Her nails dug into the flesh of his hands, but he continued to hold her shoulders firmly, his mouth moving across hers as he pressed down to keep her head pinned back against the wall. And slowly, ever so slowly, her nails released their grip, her lips began to yield and respond.
And then he bent to scoop her up into his arms, carrying her across the half-darkened room to place her gently upon the bed. He began to remove his clothing, and their eyes still fastened in a piercing gaze, Kitty began to take off her clothes, as well.
Travis lay down beside her, his hands gently stroking the firm, supple lines of her tantalizing body. He wanted her. God, how he wanted her. Never had he wanted one woman so much. But he was not about to take her roughly, savagely. No. He wanted to show her once and for all that in his own way, he did care. Maybe he couldn’t express himself in words or gestures in daily contact, but here, here in bed, lying naked together, he could show her that he did care, that he did want her, and that in his own way he needed her beside him.
His lips moved to her cheek, then his tongue darted out to trace the inner lines of her ear. She moaned, twisting beneath him, and he whispered huskily, “Am I raping you now, Kitty? Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” she cried, thrusting against him. “No…no…no…”
His lips, his tongue, his hands conspired to tease her into a sobbing mass of frenzy. Her nails dug into the firm flesh of his back and buttocks, drawing him closer. “Take me,” she begged shamelessly, “take me now, Travis. Oh damn you…damn you.”
He prepared to mount her, then paused. “You take me, Kitty. You take me and put me where you want me, where I belong—all of me, into all of you…”
For a moment, she hesitated. But the heat of her desires forced her hand to move slowly and her fingers wrapped around his swollen member. Raising her hips to meet the thrust, she took him inside her and their bodies crashed together in a crescendo of passion.
And as they crested together, the giant wave of fulfillment washing over their heaving bodies, Travis’s breath seared against her flush as he gasped, “I care, Kitty. In my own way…I do care.”
And they held each other and slept the slumber of contented lovers.
Chapter Forty
Kitty opened her eyes. Someone was pounding on the door impatiently. She shook her head, trying to awaken fully. “Hey, girl, you all right?” It was John Wright calling. “Time to eat. Hey, don’t you hear me?”
Her eyes went to her naked body. “Yes, yes, Poppa. Give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”
It was coming back, fully and clearly, and a turn of her head brought the shocking reality of Travis’s having left her without another word. The warmth she had felt was slowly being replaced by stark, cold indignation. How could he? How could he have made love to her so sweetly and whispered how much he cared and then stolen away while she slept without a word, as though she were something to be used and discarded. And how could she have been fool enough to fall for his trickery? Damn! Damn! Damn! She cursed herself for being so weak!
Yanking on her clothes, smoothing back her hair, Kitty hurried to the door, opening it against the late evening sun. “You’ve been asleep,” John said, puzzled, his eye taking in her rumpled appearance. “Are you ill, girl?”
She told him she was fine, only tired. Her eyes anxiously surveyed the soldiers lining up for meal call. Travis was nowhere to be seen. What would her reaction be when she saw him? Perhaps she was overreacting. He might have had to report for duty and did not want to awaken her.
She was playing the role of the scorned woman, being weak, and this made the anger rise again—this time for herself. Forcing a smile, she said, “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”
They walked toward the line. Hesitantly, John touched her arm and said, “You still going across the river tonight? I can make the arrangements for the crossing. It will take a small patrol of men, a white flag. The Confederates will honor it and you can go over safely into Richmond.”
“Poppa, I don’t want to leave here.” She looked at him incredulously. “There’s nothing for me in Richmond.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Nathan is in Richmond. What’s here?”
“You. And Travis. Oh, Poppa,” she hugged him then, relieved that she had realized her anger earlier was ridiculous and unfounded, “would you be very unhappy if Travis and I loved each other? I didn’t think it was possible.”
For a moment, he stood there gaping in surprise, then cleared his throat and said, “I don’t know what to say, Kitty. You know I’ve always told you to make your own decisions. But this is one I think you should give a lot of thought to. The war is about to bust wide open, and you won’t be
safe traveling with us.”
“Everything will work out. You’ll see.” Happily she took a wooden plate and held it out to be heaped with foul-smelling stew. Things would work out. She was sure of it. She would find Travis and they would talk some more and the war would be over one day and they would be happy together. It had been there all along, only she hadn’t seen it. And Travis had known it, too. They would be happy together. She was sure of it.
Hurrying through her meal, Kitty excused herself from her father and began walking through the enormous camp in search of Travis. Here and there she stopped to ask soldiers if they knew where he was. Some of them did not even know him, but she kept smiling hopefully, inquiring. She felt a desperate need to be with him and she intended to keep searching till she found him. So what if he was on picket? They could talk there privately, in seclusion. He wouldn’t mind. He loved her!
She was approaching the outer fringes of the camp, feeling apprehensive with the realization that this was the seamy side, where the officers turned their backs on the cabins and tents that were being used for saloons and gambling and the women for sale that were smuggled in. Travis would not be here. Turning, she started back and then spotted Sam sitting outside a tent.
Relieved, she rushed up to him. “Sam, have you seen Travis? I’ve got to find him.”
He looked at her a long time before speaking, and she was about to ask him why he was behaving so strangely when he said, “Kitty, just go back to your cabin. Get out of here.”
Forcing a laugh, she said, “Sam, whatever is the matter with you? Travis and I have finally done what you knew we’d do all along, we’ve admitted we care about each other. And I want to find him, be with him.”
Love and War: The Coltrane Saga, Book 1 Page 51