Knowledge Protects

by D. S. Williams

  The silence stretched out interminably and I was beginning to wonder if he was going to ignore my statement completely when he spoke. “You… you've had contact with my sister?”

  I nodded, aware that he could see the movement in the darkness. “And your parents… and Jolene and Joey,” I added cautiously.

  “You've— you've spoken— with them?” The trepidation in his voice was tangible, a slight waver discernible in his tone.

  I understood his uncertainty. Many months ago, when I'd first told the Tines about my ability, William had insisted he didn't want to know about his family, or his wife, and child. I suspected he thought they would despise him for what he'd become. “Your parents and Emmy have always loved you, William. Always. Even through the worst of what they discovered you'd done – in Vietnam during the war – they never stopped loving you. Your mother understood what happened after your creation was out of your control, and she and your father have loved you, unconditionally, despite the things you did.” I shuffled around so that I could face him, wanted him to see my face, know I was telling the truth. “Jolene took longer to come to terms with it. When she saw you that day—”

  William shook his head fiercely, holding up a hand to stop me. “Please, Charlotte—”

  “William, trust me. You need to hear this. You need to know,” I said quietly.

  He squeezed his eyes shut, as if by not seeing me, he would be able to avoid what I was about to say.

  I took a deep breath, releasing it between my lips before I continued. “Jolene spent a long time blaming you for her death, and Joey's. She was so frightened, that day when she came home and saw you drinking the blood. She didn't understand what was wrong with you, why you would do something like that. It terrified her, and she was repulsed.”

  “Please, Lottie—” William started to stand up, but I placed a restraining hand on his shoulder.

  “Hear me out, please.”

  “Why? Why would you hurt me like this?” he questioned, his voice filled with anguish. “Please, don't—”

  “Because Jolene forgave you, William. It took her a long time to come around, she found the details of what you'd done tough to understand. For a while, when I first spoke to them, she refused to discuss you.” Honesty was always the best policy and I figured William deserved the truth. “Jolene couldn't understand your need to… murder people because of your thirst. She couldn't equate the husband she'd sent off to war with the—”

  “…the monster I'd become.” William's voice wavered a little when he finished the sentence.

  I squeezed his shoulder. “She didn't understand the compulsion for blood. What you had become, it was the culmination of every deep-seated fear most humans have. She thought she was protecting Joey by taking him and running away.”

  “I understand her hatred.” His voice quivered. “I hated myself.”

  Compassion filled my heart. “Jolene had trouble equating the husband who had left home to fight in Vietnam, with the man who came back.” I smiled softly. “But she's watched what you've done with your life, your love for Gwynn, how you protect your friends. She's seen your work with our group, and your dedication to everything we're trying to do. She's watched you fight against your desire for human blood, overcome the need to murder. She's seen how hard you've worked to stay vegetarian,” I smiled, “despite the constant temptations.”

  William remained rooted to the spot, his entire body immobile.

  “William, Jolene still loves you. She wishes she'd stayed that day, not run away, but she was frightened. She blamed herself for a long time for Joey's death, and in turn, you. She's not proud of what you did in your past, but she understands it was a compulsion borne from what you'd become, things you did against your will.”

  William rested his hand on mine. “You still have contact with my wife?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do. And your parents, your sister… and Joey. I've never mentioned it before because I was waiting for the right time, but they've been with me from when I first met you.” I shrugged and shook my head. “The time has just never seemed right to tell you. Until now.”

  William's hand remained on my shoulder and he lapsed into a thoughtful silence. I was happy to leave him to his thoughts.

  “You could bring them back? Jolene and Joey? Solidly?” he suddenly questioned.

  “Yes.”

  He lapsed into silence again for another few minutes. “I need to speak to Gwynn first, but I'd like to meet with them.”

  “I'm sure they'd like that, too.”

  William lifted his head and I recognized the gesture. The clouds cleared from overhead and moonlight bathed the area where we sat.

  “They're coming back,” he announced and my heartbeat increased in tempo at the thought.

  Chapter 19: Regrets

  Ripley appeared first and I found myself marveling again at the vampire's natural ability to move so swiftly. One second he was nowhere to be seen, the next he was standing in front of me. “Conal is still in wolf form. He transformed before he left camp,” he explained with a little smile. “He wanted to see you, but he'll have to go back to camp to get some clothing first.”

  I saw the towering shape that was Conal in his wolf form behind Ripley, watching me cautiously as he padded between the trees.

  “How do you know all this?” I questioned, unable to tear my gaze away from Conal's hypnotic stare. Even in this form, I could see the pain in his eyes and it cut me to the core.

  “The longer I've spent with the wolves and shifters, the better I've gotten at picking up their thoughts. They tend to think in pictures, rather than words, but my ability has sharpened considerably while you were gone.”

  “I— oh.” It seemed there were a lot of things I needed to catch up on, once I'd sorted through my problems with Conal.

  Conal's movements towards me were sinuous and graceful, and I was struck by the parallel between his human and wolf movements. Both were beautiful, yet spoke of immense power. In the moonlit landscape, I could see the long black fur, the lithe movements of his muscles as he came to a stop in front of me.

  “We'll walk you back to camp, so Conal can shift and dress,” Ripley suggested.

  A thought occurred to me. “Conal, would it be okay if I talk to you while you're a wolf?”

  Conal barked loudly, just once. The sound echoed through the woods, reverberating through the trees and he stared pointedly at Ripley.

  Ripley spoke. “He seems happy to do that, if it is what you would prefer.”

  William stood up and brushed off the back of his jeans, before he rubbed a hand across my head, ruffling my hair. “We'll see you later.”

  Both men slipped away into the darkness and I turned back to Conal, watching him uncertainly for a minute before I spoke. “You're probably wondering why I want to talk to you like this,” I began quietly.

  Conal remained motionless, black eyes watching me intensely.

  I exhaled deeply and patted the ground. “Don't suppose you want to come and sit down?”

  Conal padded over and laid down. I put one hand on top of his head, rubbing my fingers through his silky fur. “I thought it might be easier, to tell you what I'm thinking while you're still a wolf. Maybe it will be easier to deal with if I can't see the expression on your face.”

  Conal grumbled low in his chest and dropped his head onto his front paws.

  “I know you're furious with me, and you have every reason to be. I haven't been making a lot of sense.” I smiled when it appeared as if Conal had rolled his eyes. “Okay. I probably haven't been making any sense.” I brushed my fingers through the fur at Conal's neck. “Goren says I've been emotional and aggressive because of the Fae drugs they gave me. It seems as if the human drugs have worked their way out of my system, but the Fae magic is still screwing up my brain.”

  Conal barked softly and nuzzled my leg. I took it as a promising sign.

  “I'm pretty pissed about it. Jerome's given me an analgesic, which has
calmed down the emotional rollercoaster, but I'm apparently stuck with being jabbed with meds every four hours until someone comes up with a better alternative.” I looked down into Conal's eyes and I could have sworn they were twinkling. “Yeah, I know. I deserve it after the way I've been behaving. I really am sorry.”

  I sat and thought for a minute or two, trying to encapsulate everything I needed to tell Conal into cohesive sentences. “What I told you, about having sex with me because I thought you were testing me. I didn't mean it, Conal. I wasn't thinking straight.” I sighed softly, focusing my gaze on a shadow in the darkness. “Seems I'm adept at taking everything you say, and throwing it back in your face. I took something wonderful, amazing – a beautiful moment with you – and I ruined it.”

  Conal gazed up at me with huge black eyes but remained silent.

  “I love you. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone.” I rubbed shaky fingers through my hair. “Conal, when I was with Lucas – I thought I could never love anyone as much as I loved him. I was wrong. I love you more, and whether you can forgive me or not – I will always love you with all my heart.”

  I inhaled raggedly, trying to control a fresh torrent of tears. “I know how hard it must have been, for you to keep everything together when I disappeared. I didn't mean what I said, about you wanting to be leader, I know it isn't true. It was the mess in my head talking. The same mess which can't make a firm decision about anything and appears to think yelling and screaming is going to resolve problems.” Scratching behind Conal's ears, I was rewarded with a deep rumbling which sounded like a cat purring. “Guess you like having your ears scratched, huh?”

  Conal barked and nuzzled closer to my thigh.

  “I lost it when I thought you didn't trust me. Maybe the stuff they gave me creates paranoia. Probably. Seems Archangelo and Bran did everything they possibly could, to make me psycho.” I was rewarded with a deep growl and I looked down at Conal with a watery smile. “Maybe I should have talked to you like this before. Somehow it's easier to do and I might have gotten all this right in the first place.” I ran my tongue over my lips anxiously. “I've managed to piss off just about everyone. The people I haven't annoyed, are assuming I've lost my mind. And I would think that nobody in the entire camp trusts me, after the way I've behaved.” I shook my head, checking my watch to see how long I had before the next injection. Thankfully, I still had another hour. “Conal, what I'm trying to say – and making a mess of it, I might add – is that I love you and I don't want to lose you. I don't know how this is going to work out, I'm not even sure I'll ever be the same person again. Archangelo did things to me, things that will be in my memory forever, no matter how long I live. He abused me, raped me—” I inhaled a shuddering breath and Conal licked my fingers. “He took everything I knew about myself and made me doubt it. I'm not sure if I'll ever be the person you knew before, but no matter how things turn out, I can't bear to lose you.”

  Conal barked loudly, and the message was loud and clear. “I'm guessing you still love me; despite the hard time I've been giving you.” I scratched under his jaw. “And making love with you was wonderful, but I'm not even sure about that right now. Did I ask you to make love to me because I wanted it, or because my screwed-up brain wanted it?” I shrugged. “Either way, it was beautiful and I want to wake up in your arms, every day, forever.”

  Conal shifted, moving his body closer to mine and I lay down across his belly. “Even as a werewolf you're amazing, I love everything about you. Don't ever think I don't. But we still have some major problems to overcome. My baby is missing, these people need somewhere secure to live. I've even managed to provoke Nememiah into a snit.” I rolled over against Conal's chest, reaching up to scratch his ear again. “I don't ever want to lose you, Conal. The thought of being without you – I can't bear it. And even that's an issue. I don't want you to give up the pack for me. You spoke about us getting married one day, but if it means you have to give up the pack, I can't do it.”

  Conal whined.

  “Yeah, I know you said you would, but how can you turn your back on everything you've ever known?” I shrugged anxiously. “Maybe we can just live together and the pack will accept that. Unless you intend on kicking my neurotic ass out of your life.”

  Conal barked and nuzzled my leg, landing a sloppy lick on my thigh and I laughed aloud. “I'll take that as a no. That's the first piece of good news I've had all day.” As quickly as it had appeared, the laughter died away. “Nememiah is angry because I wanted to leave and find my baby. I was really running away. I don't have any answers to our problems, Conal. I told Nememiah there should be some sort of manual for this gig because the whole thing is so unpredictable. No quest should have this much guesswork involved.”

  Conal barked, and I assumed he agreed.

  I continued to voice my thoughts quietly. “I've wondered a few times, what would have happened if I'd succeeded, and committed suicide? How would that have fitted in with Nememiah's grand plans?” I narrowed my eyes as I considered the possibility. “Maybe this is all some sort of cosmic joke, you know? Perhaps if I'd succeeded in killing myself, none of this would be happening to anyone now. Of maybe you would all be in the same predicament.” Another sigh huffed out between my lips. “I guess I would have missed a lot of interesting adventures.”

  Conal nudged me and the look in his eyes was a clear message regarding his thoughts on the matter.

  “You're right. Despite everything that's happened, I've been loved by two wonderful men. I've gone from being completely and utterly alone in this world, to having a loving group of vampires who treat me like a family member. I've met my real father. Discovered I have a little brother. And another baby brother or sister on the way.”

  I lapsed into silence for a long time, staring up at the moon. The cloud cover continued to drift over it, creating patches of light and dark across the woods around us. “I can't give Lucas up,” I admitted suddenly. “Despite his willingness to sacrifice himself to find our baby, I can't let him do it. Thinking of him, all alone out… there, with no company, nothing but his own thoughts for millennia…” I met Conal's gaze. “I still love him, but the emotion involved has changed. Morphed into something different.” I blushed, despite knowing that Conal wasn't Conal right now. “I'm not… sexually attracted to him any longer. I still love him deeply, and I can't imagine losing contact with him, but I don't feel the same way as I once did.” I smiled faintly. “Seems all my romantic and erotic feelings are focused on you now, and the way I feel about you; it overwhelms me sometimes.”

  Conal barked loudly and his tail wagged happily.

  I chuckled. “Okay, I get it. You're pleased about that. I'm hoping after this, you might understand more about my relationship with you and my relationship with Lucas. I still love you both, but the love I hold for you… it overwhelms everything else in my life.”

  We settled into a companionable silence for a long time, and Conal was content to rest his head on his paws while I watched the stars overhead.

  “We have to get everyone back to Zaen,” I announced. “Nememiah insists my baby is safe, even though I hate thinking of him being away from me. I want him back so badly; I physically ache. But I need to put our people first and trust what Nememiah says. We retake Zaen, then we get my son.”

  Conal whined a little and nudged my arm.

  “He's beautiful, Conal. I only saw him for a minute and I was in so much pain, but he was beautiful.” I frowned at the memory. “There's something else I have to tell you – it's important and it could affect any decision you make about whether we stay together or not. Jerome says I might not be able to have more children.” Tears rolled down my cheeks and I brushed them away impatiently. “There's a possibility Archangelo did some permanent damage when he cut the baby out of my womb. Jerome can't tell right now,” I took a steadying breath, “but it's a possibility.” I clenched my hands into fists, welcoming the pain of my nails cutting into my skin.
“I understand if you decide not to pursue this relationship between us. It's bad enough that I'm not a werewolf – I couldn't have given you a pureblood baby – but you need to know that I might not be able to have your children at all.” I couldn't prevent a little sob from bursting up through my throat. “I know how much you want children,” I took a deep breath, “and I'll understand if you decide you need to find someone else.”

  Conal growled and I sat up, wondering what the sound meant. He got to his feet and bounded away, and for a moment I wondered if he was abandoning me. He came to a stop and his body started to shimmer, and I watched in fascination as he transformed into human form. Crouched on the ground, the transformation took less than a minute and when it was complete, Conal straightened up and walked back to me.

  Without a trace of embarrassment, Conal knelt beside me and drew me into his arms, gathering me against him securely. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I pressed my face against his hard chest.

  “I love you, Charlotte,” he murmured against my hair. “I'm never letting you go.”

  Chapter 20: A Changed Mind

  I stood outside Conal's tent, waiting while he transformed a second time and retrieved some clothes. After holding me close to his heart for a long time out in the woods, he'd reverted to werewolf form to walk back to camp. While he was comfortable in his own skin, walking naked through camp wasn't top on his list of things to do, he'd informed me wryly.

  Pushing the tent flap open, Conal stepped out, his dark hair mussed and his body breathtakingly human. He'd donned a pair of faded denims and a white t-shirt, which only enhanced the muscular development of his chest and shoulders. Without giving me an opportunity to speak, he drew me into his arms and kissed me deeply and thoroughly, our bodies aligned in such a manner to confirm he loved me, in absolutely every single way.

  Breathless when he released his hold, I smiled and leaned against his chest for support while I caught my breath.

  “Let's get you back to Jerome for this injection,” Conal suggested quietly, linking his fingers through mine and striding through the rows of silent tents where people slept. “Then I think we should both head to bed. It's been a long day.” He squeezed my fingers. “Do you wanna stay with me, or go back to your tent?” The question was asked lightly, but I knew how much the answer meant to him.