by N. K. Smith
I text a message to Cole.
Miss u, C. Bed is cold n lonely. <3 hurts w/o u.
Not too long after, my cell buzzes and I see Cole’s response.
Miss you too, Dev. Trying to find time to meet you someplace. Where to next?
I text back.
Portugal then Italy again.
The texts make the familiar anxiety in my body rise up again. It’s like the apex of a roller coaster; the anticipation of impending thrill. I want to see Cole so badly. Before we separated for this tour, I could barely even get hard because of the stress the traveling and the press and the studio, and when I did, I’d go soft before I could manage to give Cole an orgasm. I wanted her here so I could prove myself. To her. To me.
I can now relate a bit more to Cole’s isolationism. I mean, Liliana and I can barely go outside without a million flashbulbs going off. At first, I thought the studio was crazy, that no one was going to care about any relationship I had, but I’ve since been proven wrong. Lili and I are all over the celebrity news, and we’re not even doing anything beyond walking together. It’s all steamed by “insider” sources, who are nothing more than studio people calling up various media outlets and selling them a story.
Lili nudges me with her foot. “Look at you sitting over there with your beer, looking so cool.”
“Look at you sitting over there with your soda, looking all cool.”
“Whatever.” Lili stands up. “Let’s get out of here and go do something.”
“Like what? Go crowd surfing?”
She pulls her jeans down to where they ride on her hips by hooking her thumbs in the belt loops. Her cute little belly button is exposed. My eyes travel up. The scoop neck T-shirt shows off her collarbone and shoulder.
“How’s your boyfriend?” I ask out of the blue.
Her forehead creases, but only for a second before she shrugs. “Not really boyfriend-like. We never see each other anymore, and he just got a part in a TV show, so he’s busy all the time. We never seem to be able to talk except for texts.”
I look down at my cell and wish Cole and I could connect more, too.
“Come on.” Lili grabs my wrists and tries to hoist me out of the chair. She is so small she can’t do it, so I help a little.
“Seriously,” I say when I’m on my feet. “What are we going to do?”
“Round up our security detail, sneak out, and go see Madrid!”
I sigh.
“What? Does that interrupt your very pressing obligation to read yet another book? Poor baby. Let’s go.”
My cell buzzes with a message. I only have time to grab it from the arm of the chair before she pulls me toward the door. “Not done with my beer.”
“There’ll be more beer out there.” Lili motions to the window, then stops at the door. She places a hat on my head, then lowers the dark sunglasses over my eyes. “Got your player?”
I nod. “I don’t think I really want to go. I just—”
“Want to hang out in a hotel and not enjoy yourself. I know, I’ve been sitting with you for days and days, and I gotta tell you, Devon, that’s stupid.”
Her frank words force a chuckle from me. She isn’t that much younger than me, but the way she speaks and acts is so freeing—so different than Cole. It’s like no one ever told Liliana there were limits to what she could do, like she has no responsibility or obligation. It’s attractive.
I don’t know why I do it, but before she can open the door, I kiss her. She’s much shorter than I am, so I have to bend down to do it. With one hand propping me up against the wall, and the other one resting so very carefully on her hip, I kiss her slow and long. It’s deep and feels meaningful.
My mind is incredibly blank as it happens, but as soon as I pull back, it races, worrying about everything and focusing on the conflict this is going to create. She could smack me. Her boyfriend, no matter how close they are or aren’t right now, could punch me. Cole might knee me in the nuts. Arguments could ensue.
“Wow.” Liliana draws out breath. She presses her lips together.
I hold my breath. I don’t release it until she grabs my hand and opens the door.
“You get an E for effort for trying to distract me into letting you sit around reading boring books all day, but you’ll have to do better than that.”
Even though I feel guilty as hell, I can’t keep my eyes off her for the rest of the day. All of the sudden, Liliana has become just a little more beautiful, a little more attractive. The memory of the feel of her lips taunts me as we take in the sights of Madrid from the back of the Mercedes Benz.
“Stop the car!” She turns to me with a huge smile. “We have to get out.”
There is no arguing with her. The team of security in the car behind us and the two inside our car get out with us. She grabs my hand again, and we run as fast as we can into the Royal Botanical Garden. Once inside, the men who are here for our protection seem to create a wall between us and everyone else. We’re not allowed to move forward until the area is cleared of everyone.
A few people snap our picture, not because they know who we are, but because our entourage means we’re important somehow.
“Oh, my God, it’s so beautiful.” Lili is delighted when the guards move away and she can actually see the plants. We walk the paths slowly, and I have to admit, it’s nice to stretch my legs and take in a bit of the natural world.
The whole time, her hand rests in the crook of my arm, and she creates opportunities to laugh and play. As we pass an elevated statue of a guy in frilly clothing, I stop and ask, “How can you be so happy all the time?”
Lili shrugs. Her yellow hair shines in the direct sun. “Life is pretty awesome. Who else in the world has the experiences we do? I could be serving fries at some bar in LA where some guy tries to grab my ass all day, but I’m not. I’m here, in fucking Madrid, with a super hot guy, promoting a movie that just made me a millionaire. How can you not be happy all the time?”
“I guess I feel trapped by it all.”
“Trapped by money, beautiful cities, and fame? That’s ridiculous. We can go anywhere and do anything.” She pauses, then adds, “Okay, we can’t right now, but when this promotional tour’s over, there’s nothing stopping either one of us from—”
I halt her words with a kiss. I can feel the security team closing in, making sure this is as private of a moment as possible. I wrap her in my arms and lift her, then take two big steps toward the statue. The ivy that covers the base feels good against my hands when I put her down and brace myself against it.
This kiss lasts longer than the one at the hotel, and it takes me a while to pull back.
“You’re so fucking cool,” Lili says.
I forget to check my messages until well after we return to the hotel. When I finally do check my cell, I realize I never even opened Cole’s message from earlier.
Can be in Portugal for two days. You want me to come?
The excited freedom I experienced earlier with Liliana morphs into a pit of regret and disgust. I kissed Liliana a handful of times today, and Cole is planning a trip to visit me.
If I had seen the text earlier, would I have done what I did with Lili? How the hell did I let myself get into this mess? What do I text back? Does she even still want to come since it’ll probably seem like I’ve ignored her for hours and hours?
I scroll over to Cole’s next message.
Chartered a jet. Didn’t hear back from you, but I want to see you.
There’s one more waiting for me.
Call me later. I miss you.
I’m the worst person in the world, so I set out to get as drunk as I possibly can. Liliana and I have an interview together tomorrow and a signing scheduled for tomorrow night before our plane leaves, but I imagine my hangover will be gone beforehand.
I text Cole as I’m just about to pass out.
Want 2 c u 2. Don’t feel good. Sleep now.
Avoiding Liliana is easy. I text her and tell her I
feel like shit, and when we give the interview, I know I look like shit, so she doesn’t ask questions. I stay away from her when we arrive in Portugal because Cole is coming, and I’ve already done enough to fuck up a good thing.
Cole is in my arms before I can even fully open the hotel door. Although she kisses me, I see Xavier and Oscar come into the room, do a quick sweep, then exit. Cole tries to pull off my T-shirt as she sucks on my neck. All I can do is hold onto her waist until my mind catches up.
“God, you smell good, Dev.” With my shirt off, Cole works down my chest with her mouth, and she dips her tongue into my belly button.
I pull back. “Um, hey, babe.”
I take her hand and lead her to the kitchenette, then pull out the island chair. She sits, and even though I’m not looking at her face, I know confusion etches lines in her forehead.
“Hungry?” I pull open the fridge. I’ve got nothing in here, so I shut it quickly then pick up the phone. Ordering just about everything from the room service menu takes less time than I hope.
Cole stands up and traces a finger over her bottom lip. “You’re done with me, aren’t you?”
I hate that she guesses it. I hate the way she puts it. “Cole.”
She does this thing where she screws up her lips and looks to the side, then brings her eyes back to me as she nods. “Okay.”
Cole presses her lips together as she pivots on her heel. I rush to her, hold onto her elbow to keep her here. “Wait.”
“Why?”
I swivel her toward me so I can see her face. “Because you’re—”
“Not wrong.” She searches my face. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
I swallow hard against the words caught in my throat. She shoves a cell into my field of vision. On it is a picture from Jeremy Locker’s blog. It’s of me and Liliana in the garden in Madrid. We’re not kissing, but it’s evident we will be in the next snapshot.
“I hoped it was a part of the act, but I’m not so naïve to think the two of you could go through something as momentous as this and not develop—”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
The smile that curves her lips isn’t vindictive or manipulative. It’s sad. “Yes you do. Just do it.”
The pit in my gut widens. “I want someone I can be free with. I don’t want to hide anymore.”
Cole opens her mouth.
I’m quick to speak again, though. “I mean, I get your life. I get why you have to hide, but—”
“But you don’t like it,” she finishes for me. “You can’t handle it, so you don’t want me.” Cole clears her throat and stands up straighter than before. “Liliana’s a beautiful girl with everything ahead of her and not much baggage behind. I understand.”
“You don’t seem upset.”
An eyebrow goes up. “Disappointed I’m not crying? Everyone leaves, Devon. You’re not unique.”
That hurts, and if Cole really cares about me, like she says, she would be fighting for me right now. I feel like a diva thinking it, but it’s true. If it was her dumping me, I’d do whatever I could to make her realize it’s me she wants.
But I don’t want Cole’s lifestyle anymore, and by extension, I don’t want Cole anymore. There is an ache in my heart as I think it. I don’t want to not love her. I don’t want to be without her, but it’s not fair to love Cole and want Liliana.
“I love you,” I say weakly.
The smile Cole gives me is sincere, the same as the squeeze she gives my hand. “But I’ve obviously gone from beer to peanuts, and it’s okay.” Collette drops my hand and moves to the door without a word.
I want to stop her. I want to grab her and make love to her. I hate the sadness I’ve given her and want to take it all back, but I’m frozen to this spot. I cannot move, and so I do nothing as she leaves my life.
As my three day stay in Portugal continues, I try to sort out if I broke Cole’s heart or if she broke mine.
“You know, I’ve had a crush on you since our audition.”
I look down at Liliana who is lying on the hotel sofa with her head on my leg, her blond hair splayed over my thigh, cigarette in her hand. She isn’t twenty-one yet, but we’re not in the States so it doesn’t matter. Twenty is old enough to drink Munich. Her beer is nestled between her legs.
Since Cole left, I’ve allowed myself to hang out with Lili again. For several days, I tried calling and texting Cole, but there was never a response. The guilt I feel is tremendous, but waning. What is done is done, and Cole seems to have severed ties with me completely, so there is no point in hoping to remain friends or any bullshit like that.
When I told Lili that Cole and I had been together, she was surprised. I still can’t believe Lili hadn’t noticed, but I guess everyone thought I was just a loner who hung in his room all the time, and no one missed Collette at gatherings because everyone knows she’s a loner.
“Really? You’ve had a crush on me?”
“Yeah. I mean, damn, you’re like . . . really smart and with it, you know?” She pauses, then looks me in the eye. “And hot.”
There is so much I like about this woman, and one of those things is that she speaks her mind in a delicate way. Not that anything she just said is delicate, but there is something tender and innocent about her. It’s refreshing. Even though she has been in the business since she was a kid, she isn’t jaded. And she doesn’t want to hide.
We’ve explored every city we’ve been in. She trusts security will keep us safe, and that the people of the world don’t want to hurt us.
Her little T-shirt is riding up a bit. I can see her abdomen. I love her loose, unpolished style. It reminds me of how young we really are. Everything is different than with Cole, who feels on stage almost every second of the day. Liliana and I are just chill with each other.
Thus far, I haven’t figured out how to kiss her again without just ambushing her, but Lili has my attention now that she has admitted she likes me and thinks I’m hot. I switch my beer to the other hand, then extend my arm over the back of the couch. I’m not really going for subtlety, so there is no grace present when I drop my hand down to her hip, then touch her belly with my fingers.
I’m looking at my hand on her skin, but she shifts, so I look at her face with her upturned lips, tongue poking out just a little, and bright eyes fixed on me.
“You’re hot, too,” I say.
We’re still for a second before she sits up, pulls her hair over to one side, and hops up with her knees on the couch. “Want to go do something? I bet this town has a shit-ton of stuff to do.”
“We just got here.”
“So?”
“So? I’m . . . I want to relax.” I can’t keep my eyes off her hands.
She has wrapped one hand around the wider base of the glass beer bottle, the fingers of the other swirls round the mouth. She holds it close to her chest. I’ve noticed she doesn’t wear bras a lot, just camisoles. Today, her nipples are showing themselves through the gray fabric of her shirt.
“Come on,” she whines. “When’s the next time we’ll be—”
“In Germany? Probably next year when we’re promoting the next film.” My dick is straining against my jeans now as I think of what her tits would look like free and bouncing. I grab her hips and bring her onto my lap. “Let’s do something inside. It’ll be fun, I swear.”
Liliana kind of giggles, but it’s a soft sound. Her head hangs a bit, and her cheeks redden, as she nibbles her lower lip. The shy thing is a turn-on, and I think she can feel it when even more blood is diverted to my cock.
I take the bottle from her hand and place it on the table beside us. “Do you want me?”
She nods.
“I want you.” I cover her breasts with my hands. They’re small and firm. We’ve been tiptoeing around this attraction for a while. I’m not used to taking what I want, and while she’s impulsive and spontaneous, Liliana is also young and probably less experienced.
I start to kiss her. I kno
w these lips from kissing them in front of a camera, but there is a power surge in knowing this is just us in a room together. She wants me and I’m allowed to be with her in public if we so choose.
Her neck is beautiful, and I move my mouth to it. Liliana’s reactions are great. Her body sort of rolls, snake-like, toward me, then back. It’s creating the best kind of friction against my erection, but also the neediest kind of want.
I strip her of her shirt and sure enough, those titties are right in my face, playfully tempting me with their magnificence. They are smaller than I’m used to, but there is no doubt they should be chiseled into marble.
There is no time to waste because I know sex is going to happen, so I bring one breast to my mouth. Lili mewls and tightens her fingers in my hair to keep me there. I wait and draw out my actions, thinking she’ll make a move to progress us into wherever she wants this to go, but she doesn’t.
Despite a few movements, and positive reactions to what I’m doing, Lili doesn’t do much to let me know if she wants to go further or not. I assume she does, so I maneuver us into a position where she lays out beneath me. I kiss her and let my hands explore her body for a while, then sit back to pull her jeans off.
Her legs immediately come together in an act of shyness. Again, huge turn on. I can’t wipe the grin off my face because Lili looks up at me like I’m the coolest thing in the universe and my dick is so fucking happy it’s going to be inside her.
I pull off my shirt, then get rid of my pants. Sitting down naked at her feet, I rub her legs and hope she’ll relax a bit. Her lips are pressed together as she watches me. It’s not comfortable to be twisted around, so I get to my knees, but don’t have a lot of room, so I move her legs. She gasps, and I look up.
She seems okay, but Lili resists just a little when I try to open her legs, so I don’t push it. She isn’t saying no, but I guess she just isn’t ready. She isn’t warmed up enough and must not want to be that exposed, which is ridiculous, but whatever. I manage to get a hand between her thighs and start running my fingertips over the outside of her pussy. The skin is soft and sparsely haired. I want to see it, but can’t, so I put all of my effort into making her wet.