My boss’s eyes skim over me. “You do look great, you know,” she says. Her eyes narrow and she studies my face more intensely. “But tired and stressed. Are you all right? Is the situation with your sister causing—”
I can’t let her think I won’t be able to handle the job. “It’s fine,” I say. “Gloria is doing better, and at any rate I am fully committed to my career. I don’t need any accommodations.”
She gives a single nod. “Good to hear. And you’re a zero now, yes?” Her eyes focus in on my waist. “Or less, actually. Right?”
I nod. “Double zero.”
“That takes immense discipline,” she says, glancing down at her own tiny figure, “and I just want you to know I know that and admire it. A great character trait for upper management.”
“Thank you,” I say, relieved that she’s on my side. That’s what matters most here.
“And you definitely look the part.” Her eyes flick to Jaimi, whose Elle dress can’t be smaller than a two and might even be a four, where she stands surrounded by men. “Dignified and professional and disciplined. Well done.”
“Thank you,” I say, somehow managing not to throw myself at her feet and beg for two things: the promotion and the ability to eat a full meal.
Chapter Twenty-Three
After I spend the next two hours sitting in my office staring at my computer and trying to work, Andrea knocks at my door and says, “Lunch? I’m getting Jaimi and some others sandwiches from that great place around the corner. Want one?”
I don’t. Even the thought of all that bread and unmeasurable filling makes the back of my throat slam shut like a prison cell door. But I should probably eat something so I say, “Small green salad, please. The smallest one they have. No dressing.”
She frowns. “That’s all? Not even a yogurt or something to go with it?”
I haven’t eaten yogurt since that day I tried to buy one and couldn’t. I shake my head. “Just the salad. And a water. How much do I owe you?”
Her frown doesn’t fade but she glances at the menu and says, “Eight bucks.”
I stand up to get my wallet from my bag on its hook by the door, then promptly sit down again as the blood leaves my brain too quickly.
“Careful,” Andrea says. “You okay?”
“Of course. Just a little… my foot fell asleep.”
I get up again more slowly, shaking my supposedly sleeping foot, and as I walk to the door Andrea says, “Valerie, I haven’t been getting you lunch lately. You… um… you are eating, right?”
I find my wallet and give her a ten. “Obviously, or you wouldn’t be getting me a salad now.”
“True, but… I wish I had your willpower, and don’t get me wrong, you look amazing, but you do need to eat. With your sister and all that, you need your strength.”
“My strength’s in not eating,” I say without meaning to, then wish I hadn’t when her eyes widen. “Never mind,” I say quickly. “Nothing.”
She reaches behind her and pushes my office door closed. “Valerie, you… I’m worried.”
I shut my eyes and sigh. “Don’t be.” I turn without looking at her and make my way back to my desk. “Really, it’s nothing. Counting my calories and knowing exactly what I’m taking in just helps me right now. That’s all.”
I drop into my chair, but she doesn’t speak. After a moment I look up and say, “Anything else?”
She’s staring at me like she might throw up.
“What?”
“I… nothing. Nothing. I…”
She turns and hurries out.
I look at the open door for a moment, wondering what her problem is, then decide I don’t care.
She returns in fifteen minutes or so, just as I’ve gotten myself focused on work. Annoyed by her interruption I look up and barely manage not to snap, “Yes?”
“Sorry, I…” She holds out a paper bag. “Your lunch.”
“I know,” I say as calmly as I can. “Right here on my desk, okay?”
She sets it down, then rubs at her eye. That reminds me of her letting me go upstairs with only half my face made up. I take a breath to tell her off, then let it out without speaking. What’s the point? I’ll be promoted soon and won’t have to deal with her any more.
When she doesn’t leave, I say, “Thank you. Anything else?”
“I… no. No, nothing.”
She hurries off and closes my door quietly behind her, and after two sips of the cold water I pull on a cardigan over my dress though I know Elle far prefers the look of bare arms. I do too, but I’m too chilly to handle it right now.
I eat the salad one tiny nibble at a time but still find myself uninterested in it when it’s barely half gone. Food just doesn’t matter to me any more. Andrea arrives again at two to inform me she’s going out for lattes, and I see her look sadly at my remaining salad but she’s smart enough not to comment. I order my usual coffee with sugar-free syrup and it does help to give me warmth and energy, although all of that flees from me at five after three when Elle’s assistant calls and informs me my presence is required in the conference room.
Jaimi and I take the elevator up together in silence, which would probably be awkward if I had the energy to feel awkwardness. We walk to the conference room, and she reaches for the door then changes direction and holds her hand out to me. “Good luck,” she says, her cheeks going pink. “If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have been anywhere near ready for this.”
I accept her hand and we shake as I say, “Good luck to you too.” Good luck back in your old job, I add in my head, then she opens the door and gestures for me to go in ahead of her.
I straighten my shoulders and walk as confidently as I can into the conference room, but a few steps in such a wave of exhaustion hits me that I stumble.
“Are you okay?”
I look back at Jaimi. “Fine,” I say, trying to sound calm and amused. “You stepped on my heel, that’s all.”
“I… sorry,” she says.
I turn forward again and my eyes meet Drew’s. I see in his expression that he knows Jaimi didn’t step on me, and I also see that he likes that. Jaimi is too sweet to be a board member, and by mistake I proved it.
A surge of pleasure pushes back my weak dizziness, and I take my seat with confidence.
Elle nods at Jaimi and me and says toward the phone in the middle of the table, “Robert, we’re all here. Are you?”
Once he’s responded, she begins with, “Now then, we’ve been—” then unbelievably Drew speaks over her. “After your presentations,” he says, his eyes flicking from Jaimi to me and back again, “we spent the day discussing who we think is best suited to joining our board and providing the financial leadership we all know we need. And we’ve made a decision.”
I look to Elle, shocked that Drew dared to cut her off, then feel even more shock at the realization that she’s looking at me with what can only be sympathy.
Oh, no. God, please no. I can’t handle this. I can’t—
“Valerie,” Drew says, and I force myself to turn to him. “You obviously have more experience than Robert or Jaimi, and that’s of course a huge factor. You’re also very focused and dedicated, and determined to get what you want, which are great qualities in an executive. We all agree we’ve never seen someone who keeps her work and life so carefully controlled.” He clears his throat. “Other than Elle, of course.”
I can’t disagree with any of that, but the way he said it makes those things sound like a problem and that terrifies me so it’s hard to hear his next words over the blood pounding in my ears.
“Robert, you have a great deal of relevant experience as well and you bring the outsider perspective which can be valuable. Your proposed plan would be a huge change for us so we needed to think very carefully about whether we wanted to go in that direction.”
“I see,” Robert says, sounding like he’s got the hint that they decided against him.
Maybe there’s still hope. If they d
on’t want him, then maybe—
“Jaimi,” Drew says, his voice taking on a new warmth, “you’ve moved up incredibly quickly, and we know that’s partially due to Valerie’s mentoring but mostly to your own hard work and personality. We were impressed with your presentation, and also with your interactions with us after the presentation. Nobody has a bad word to say about you, and after today we can see why.”
Jaimi smiles, and the other executives smile back, and I notice with increasing horror that all of them are sitting further from Elle than they had been in the morning. They’ve grouped together with Drew. Away from Elle. So they are one team now. Which means Elle…
And me…
“I won’t drag this out,” Drew says, after doing just that. “Jaimi, you are our new chief financial officer. We will make the announcement tomorrow morning, and we look forward to working with you and molding you into a perfect addition to our board.”
She gasps and stammers her thanks, and I stare at Elle. “But… I’m exactly what you look for in management. You said so.”
“You are,” she confirms. “You’re exactly what I look for.”
Her faint stress on the “I” tells me everything. I focused entirely on Elle, but the rest of the board made the decision. They wanted sweet pliable Jaimi, not me. I hadn’t even thought to pay attention to them. I didn’t think they mattered. I screwed up. Again.
I focused on the wrong thing and I lost the promotion. Like I’d focused on the wrong thing and killed Anthony.
I’d thought I was in control. Not even close.
I push myself slowly to my feet, not wanting to risk the humiliation of passing out. “Congratulations, Jaimi,” I say, though the words feel like daggers ripping my throat. “Congrats on being exactly what the board wanted.”
She smiles, not seeming to recognize the insult behind my words, and I nod at the others and walk with what I hope seems like calm dignity to the door.
At least, I think once I’m safely alone in the elevator, at least Gloria is all right. My efforts have paid off there. Nothing else is going right, but I’ve held my diet together and Gloria is benefiting from it.
When I reach my office, I close the door and slump into my chair. Most people would have cried, but even if I were the crying type I don’t have the energy.
My phone in my bag buzzes.
Moving like I’m a hundred years old, I force myself out of the chair and over to get the phone.
Then I stare at the text message from my dad.
“Valerie, get to the hospital ASAP. Gloria’s got pneumonia.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
The first time I was called to the hospital for Gloria, I went so casually I even stopped to grab a bagel on the way. This time I bolt from the office, shouting back to Andrea where I’ve gone and why, and race directly there. I’ve read enough about pneumonia in patients on ventilators, how common it is and how hard to fight, to know exactly how bad this could be.
Please, I think, please no. I’ve been through enough. We all have, with Anthony and everything. Please, let her be okay. Please let it all have meant something.
I don’t know who I’m begging, since what little belief I’d had in God vanished after Anthony’s death, but I beg anyhow all the way to the hospital.
I burst in through the front doors and slip on the freshly washed floor, only catching my balance by grabbing the edge of the information desk.
“You all right, dear?”
“No,” I say. “Not at all.”
The volunteer behind the desk gives a sympathetic nod that makes her thick curly gray hair bounce around her chubby face. “It’ll be all right. You want the fifth floor, third door on your left.”
Gloria’s on the fourth floor. “What?”
Her eyes widen. “You’re not here for the ED clinic?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She recoils. “I’m so sorry, dear, but you’re so thin and I thought…”
“I know where I’m going,” I say, not sure what she means by ED but not wanting to listen to her discuss my weight for another second, “and I only look thin to you.”
I storm off, leaving her fat self behind, and enter the elevator with a crowd of other people. Some demon inside me makes me check the floor directory for something called “ED clinic”. I don’t find it, but I do find what she must have meant.
Eating disorder clinic.
What does she know anyhow?
A bunch of us get off on the fourth floor, and as I walk forward someone bumps into me and again I nearly fall. I regain my balance and raise my eyes from the floor in time to look up over a woman walking toward me. Her bare knees below her green dress are bony, and her body under the dress is terrifyingly thin, her hipbones pushing against the fabric and her collarbones standing out sharply above it.
Her bones?
My bones.
To my shock and horror, I realize I’m looking into a mirror.
No wonder the woman at the information desk thought I had an eating disorder.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think I did too.
*****
I’ve gotten somewhat used to the sight of Gloria in her hospital bed, but she now looks flushed and uncomfortable, and her breath rhythm seems… wrong somehow even with her ventilator.
A nurse followed me in, and she says softly, “Be gentle with her, okay? Her breathing is scaring her, we think.”
I nod then turn to my sister. “Had a little setback?” I say, trying to sound unworried. “It’s okay, Gloria, you’re tough. You’ll fight it.”
“Good,” the nurse murmurs, then says more loudly, “Let me just set up a new feeding bag for Miss G here, and I’ll leave you two to chat. Oh, and when we called your parents they said they’ll be here in…” She glances at her watch. “About half an hour now.”
I nod, trying not to look as worried as I feel at the fact they specifically called in my parents on a day they’d been planning to catch up on things at home, and step back and watch as the nurse efficiently unattaches the old bag and sets it down on the end of the bed while she hangs the new one. Writing on the old one catches my eye, and I read, “Gloria Malloy, 700 calories, 3x/day”.
Gloria, unable to get out of bed, is taking in 2100 calories a day?
I stare at the bag, trying to get my head around this, until the nurse whisks it away. “There you go. Take it easy, ladies.”
She pats me on the shoulder with her back to Gloria, the sadness in her eyes sending terror through me, and leaves, and I take my chair beside the bed and try to push away the thought of how little I’m eating compared to Gloria. She needs the calories to help her fight the pneumonia. I need to not have them to do the same thing. Plus, I’m still functioning so I must be fine.
“I know you’ll be okay,” I say. “No question. You have to be.” Misery fills me. “I’ve already had the three troubles. You can’t be a fourth, it doesn’t work that way.”
Her eyes, duller than usual, lock onto my face and her eyebrows go up.
“I didn’t get the promotion,” I confess. “I tried so hard, but it didn’t happen.” I sigh. “Everything’s gone wrong. People think I have an eating disorder, Jaimi got the job instead of me, I can’t talk to Remy any more and I miss him…”
A sudden blaze of anger lights me up and I don’t even try to resist it. “It’s all gone wrong since you got hurt,” I burst out. “Everything. And I tried to figure out why you were there and I can’t. Why were you there? Why’d you lie to me and Leah, why were you out alone so late, why were you at the ferry at all? Nothing in your stuff is telling me anything, nobody seems to know… I can’t stand it. It’s out of my control and I can’t stand it and I need to know!”
Gloria shuts her eyes and a single tear slips out from beneath her lashes. This doesn’t stop me. “I have to know, Gloria, I do. I have to know what I did wrong.”
Her eyes fly open and she gives her head the tiniest shake.
/> “But I did. I must have. I’ve tried so hard, and you were getting better. But now you’re not. So what did I do?” Some part of me wonders how I’ve switched from ‘why were you there?’ to ‘what did I do?’ but the rest is too upset to care. ‘What did I do?’ is the one I really need answered, anyhow. It’s the only one I can fix.
Gloria tries to take a deeper breath and can’t, and I see fear in her eyes and I panic. “I can’t let you— I need to help. I don’t know what I did. You have to tell me. You tell me what happened and I’ll take care of it. I will, I’ll fix it. I’ll do anything. You just have to—”
“Valerie!”
I spin to see the nurse, not looking anywhere near as friendly as before.
“Valerie, what are you doing? We can hear you all the way down the hall.”
I hate that people can hear my desperation, and I feel my cheeks blaze with embarrassment at the thought, but I can’t stop talking. “I need to know why she was there. I need to help her, need to fix it. I have to—”
“You have to calm down,” she says, firmly but with sympathy in her voice. “I know you want answers, but Gloria’s in no shape to provide them right now, and frankly they don’t matter anyhow.”
I stare at her. “Of course they do.”
She shakes her head. “What matters is that Gloria recovers. Why she was there, what she was doing… none of that is worth upsetting her over. We need her to rest and relax and get her strength back.”
I have to admit this is true. “Right, and then I can find out what happened, why—”
“You can’t,” the nurse says bluntly. “If she wants to tell you she will, but you’re clinging to the wrong thing. Don’t worry about why she was there. Be glad she’s here now. Enjoy your time with her.”
She doesn’t say, “Because you might not have much more,” but I hear it in her voice.
I stand frozen, for one awful second allowing the possibility that nothing I can do will save Gloria, then turn and flee.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After walking aimlessly up and down streets and avenues for nearly two hours, not knowing where to go or what to do but somehow terrified of what’ll happen if I stop moving, my phone buzzes with a text. I check, afraid it’s my parents, and find instead that it’s Andrea.
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