“Why would you do that? We can’t afford this.”
“I did because I hated the van. So no more van. And Nick bought it for me; I don’t have to afford it.”
“We don’t take money from your brother.”
Rebecca started the Suburban, and the motor roared to life. She had a real engine, and she liked the sound of it even though she didn’t need all the power it had. She glanced at Doug, keeping her eyes cool.
“We don’t do anything anymore, Doug. I do. I took the money that my wealthy brother offered me. How the hell do you think I kept everything afloat these past two years? Nick, you jackass.”
“I sent you money.”
“Yeah? Well, it wasn’t enough to fix everything, now was it, Doug?” she said with her eyes on his and her meaning very clear.
“I don’t like your brother sponsoring us.”
“No,” Rebecca said, as she backed out and started down the road towards the freeway. “You don’t like Nick. Probably because he’s so much more successful than you, and you also resent that he can give me money.”
Doug bristled and Rebecca smiled sweetly. “You couldn’t think you were coming home to the same family that you left?”
She could feel him studying her, and glancing down at the vehicle. The Suburban was very silent before he answered. “No. I guess I haven’t come back to the family I left.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rebecca brought her husband home. It was awkward, miserable, in fact. He didn’t fit into their routine anymore. Or their life. Rebecca resented, hated, and detested his presence in what was now her house. As hard as it was when he left, she thought it became much harder having him back.
She made him sleep on the couch. There was no spare room, and the house was too small when incessantly trying to avoid someone. He used her bathroom, which she resented as she got ready. He’d come in there and shower, and even pee right in front of her as if they were the same old, comfortable, married couple. She clenched her teeth to avoid lashing out at him, especially in front of the girls. He spent hours with the girls, trying to get to know his own children again.
Sometimes, Doug acted like she should she be grateful he was taking the girls so often. Well, so what? He should have never left them for so long that he had to get to know them again. For any reason. He could have moved to Seattle and changed his life, and still remain involved with his kids. He could have visited, or invited them to Japan. He could have done anything, but what he did, which was nothing. No, poor Doug Randall needed time and space, a break so he could figure himself out. And he got to do that. Meanwhile, Rebecca had to pick up the pieces, and keep the home fires burning for him, so whenever he chose to, he could come back and resume his life with them as if he hadn’t destroyed their family to begin with.
The only one who seemed to agree with Rebecca was Minnie, the dog. Minnie tucked her tail and ran whenever Doug came into the room, and wouldn’t let Doug touch her. Rebecca smiled in satisfaction every time the dog silently slunk away from Doug.
Doug asked a lot of questions. He wanted to catch up on the girls and Rebecca, and their lives. He seemed to want to know everything. He even asked about Rob, and about her writing a book. At least, he didn’t have his usual condescending look or tone about her writing. He didn’t ever question if she slept with Rob, and she would not have hesitated about letting him that know she had been. He seemed to accept it and took it at face value: now that Doug was back, there was no Rob.
Rob was done.
Except in her heart, which was full of fury and anger, and breaking. It squeezed with longing. She wanted to call Rob. No, she needed to call Rob. She had to tell him how her husband’s return and being near her made her feel. Rob was the only one who could help get her through this. And yet, he was the last person she could call.
She had to try and put her family back together. She had to, once again, do as Doug wanted, and live with her choice. If she didn’t try, how could she honestly look into her girls’ eyes? She owed them this chance to have their parents under one roof again after all they had to endure for so long. Whether it was her fault or not, she had to try. And to do that, she was pretty sure one couldn’t have her boyfriend in the picture, or any contact with the man she truly loved.
As soon as she let Doug come home, it stopped being her home.
Things went along uneventfully for about a month. There were tense dinners and silent breakfasts. Doug and she engaged in several rip-roaring arguments, but only after the girls were in bed, but they solved nothing. She couldn’t let him near her, although he repeatedly begged for her forgiveness. Everything she once longed to hear, his apology and regret, she now had. And all she wanted to do with it was bundle it up and throw it down the garbage disposal.
He found her one Thursday lying on her bed. She was depressed and she knew it. She couldn’t find the energy to resist it. For so long, with no one to rely on, she had to get up, even if she was sick and throwing up, since there was no one close enough to call who could take her girls. It became she and they against the world. She hated it at first, but soon grew used to it. And now? Doug was there all the time. He took some time off from work to readjust to family life. So he often dealt with the girls. Didn’t he want to be with them? Didn’t he owe them that after two years of neglect? So there was time for it now. Time for Rebecca not to feel obligated to get out of bed.
She could only muster up enough energy to write. So she did. She shut the door to what was now her office, and refused to let Doug have it back. It was all hers now. She locked the door and wrote for hours each day, ignoring Doug’s knocks and the girls’ calls for her assistance. She told them to ask their father for whatever. He had to help them now that he was back.
When she completed the book about Rob, she sent off proposals to find an agent. She worked hard and for once, it was all about her writing. Not as a hobby, but as if it were extremely important, simply because she could shut the door on everyone and everything else.
“Becky?”
Rebecca turned towards the door as Doug stood there, looking unsure. Her room was gloomy. She hadn’t bothered opening the shades recently. She hadn’t moved from her bed today and was still wearing her nightgown.
“What?”
Doug stepped into her room and closed the door. He came to the edge of the bed. “This can’t keep going on.”
“What can’t? Me not being all happy and perky? Me not doing every household chore with a whistle and smile on my face? Fuck you! You don’t get to decide anymore what can or can’t go on.”
Doug hung his head. “I know. I know why you’re so angry at me. But Beck, I think I had a sort of mental breakdown after Daniel died. I couldn’t function or be a father. I couldn’t even talk to you. I know that now. How I pushed you all away. And just left, and jumped at the other job. What I meant to say was you’ve got to at least tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”
“That’s the thing, Doug. Nothing. You can’t do anything. You’ve already done it all to me. And this is what’s left of me.”
“I love you. I always have. All this time.”
“I loved you. I trusted you and you left us. You left me.”
“I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you’ll just give me a chance. Maybe, we could see a marriage counselor.”
“I begged you to see one right before you left; do you remember what you said? Right after Daniel died? Oh, but now it’s a good idea? And not a stupid waste of your time? Wasn’t that what you called it?”
Doug took her hand in his. “Becky, I was wrong. Let me prove it to you. I’ve changed, we can fix this. Just let me try. Let us try.”
She took her hand from him and turned on her side. “I think I’ve grown to hate you.”
He put his hand on her back. “I know,” he said before leaving the room.
Another month went by, but she wasn’t any more receptive to Doug. Nothing caught her attention. She eve
n grew distant to her kids, and couldn’t seem to find her bearings. Not with Doug around, although the girls were happy to see him. They didn’t understand how she couldn’t be happy now that he was there again. Almost irrationally, it made her seethe with anger to see her daughters so easily accepting Doug back. So easily letting him reenter their lives.
She was the one now being detrimental to her girls with her sadness, and withdrawal from them, and Doug, and everything else. But she couldn’t find the energy to change that. What she was, she finally realized, was monumentally miserable.
She was sad over how her life had turned out, and how her marriage was nothing like she thought it would be. She thought they’d share their lives, raise their kids, and grow old together along with all the other bullshit. Now, she could barely stomach looking at his face. She was sad mostly because she knew she was no longer in love with her husband, but very much in love with someone else. Someone who was not the father of her kids and who didn’t fit into her lifestyle. Someone who could probably never handle the kind of existence she had to live. Although she didn’t regret having her kids, not even for a second, she could not abandon them like Doug, and just do as she pleased. Their welfare came first, of course. But now, she was finding that hard to do.
She was also sad because she never tried to be her own person. She didn’t ever follow her own dreams when she was young and skipped college, because it scared her to go. She was scared to leave Doug. Now, she realized, she’d been scared her entire life. And with Rob, suddenly, she wasn’t. She was no longer scared or incapable; except now, she had a family anchoring her so she could not seek out the new person she briefly thought, for about five minutes, she might have become.
Doug was back, meaning, her former life was back. And she was sad about that.
****
One morning, she came downstairs and found Minnie on the deck, drooling, and her eyes were rolling back in her head. The dog wouldn’t get up and her body trembled. Something was wrong, seriously wrong. Minnie always got up to see her if only so Rebecca would pet her. Rebecca’s heart emerged from the ice she encased it in for the last few months. Minnie was sick.
“Doug! Doug!” she screamed, running into the house to find him and showing more energy than she’d exerted in weeks. “Where are you?”
He came running in from the living room. “What? What is it?”
“Minnie. She won’t get up. Hurry.”
They both ran to the deck together and knelt over the dog, who was only six years old. Nothing should have been wrong with her. Not like this. Minnie didn’t look any better.
But she managed to raise her head high enough to bare her teeth at Doug. It was tragic, even heartbreaking. The poor dog was convulsing in pain, but still trying to keep Doug away from her. Tears filled Rebecca’s eyes.
“What’s wrong with her?” Her voice trembled. She glanced back towards the sliding door and saw the girls huddled there together, watching their parents. Rebecca sat back on her heels and tears streamed from her eyes. Everything was so broken. Not just her. Her kids. Her marriage. And now her dog. She couldn’t lose this dog.
“She won’t let me near her. You stay with her, Becky, and reassure her that you’re with her. I’ll call the vet and tell them we’re coming in.” Doug stood up, suddenly moving across the deck. “Girls, go get in the Suburban. Hurry.”
It was minutes later when Doug came back and gently tugged Rebecca aside, as he leaned over Minnie. “Hold her snout, just in case she tries to bite me,” he said as he placed his arms under Minnie and lifted her up. Rebecca did what he said, marveling that the dog could very well try to bite Doug, yet he didn’t pause for even a second in lifting her. She weighed a hundred pounds, so there was no way Rebecca could’ve moved her. Doug carried her towards the SUV with Rebecca gently holding her snout. Doug had already put Minnie’s bed inside. He laid her in the back gently and shut the door, pulling the keys from his pocket. Doug thought of everything while Rebecca sat on the deck, crying hysterically, before she collapsed into the passenger seat.
They were all silent on the way to the vet. Once there, Doug told Rebecca to go in and he carried Minnie alone this time. He hurried her through the reception area before they were shown to a vacant room in the back. The staff started examining Minnie.
“Becky, take the girls out and wait there. I’ll come and get you as soon as I know anything.”
For the first time in years, Rebecca looked into Doug’s eyes and felt grateful he was there. He was leading her. She was numb and didn’t know what to do. She felt incapable of functioning and robotically nodded. She turned and took her girls out to the waiting room where she sat in an exhausted heap, the girls surrounding and leaning into her.
It felt like her best friend had just been admitted to the ICU. Minnie wasn’t just their dog or pet, but Rebecca’s co-parent for years. Minnie slept in her bed for months after Doug left, and protected the girls and her until Rebecca stopped being scared of sleeping alone out in the woods where they lived. Minnie was her companion each night, keeping watch, and warning her of any odd noises. Rebecca could count on Minnie to fight anyone to the death just to keep the girls and her safe. Minnie became her best friend when no one else was there for her.
Finally, Doug came out and his face seemed very haggard. No! No. Tears streamed over Rebecca’s cheeks and she fell forward, gulping in breaths of air to keep from screaming out loud in pain. He didn’t have to say it, she knew his face well enough to know. Minnie was dying. The girls didn’t get it though, or how serious it was.
“Daddy?” Karlee asked. Doug bent down and picked her up. Rebecca begrudgingly admitted that he easily resumed being a good father to the girls. He knew how to handle them, and always seemed like a good father. Until the day he left them.
Doug, too, had tears in his eyes when he looked at Rebecca. “I’m sorry, girls, Minnie’s not well. They don’t know exactly why she’s going downhill so fast.”
Rebecca stood up and Doug took her hand. “I’m sorry.”
The way he said it, and the tenderness with which he held her hand, meant for far more than just their family pet. He was apologizing for what he had done, for not being there for her. She started crying harder, and lost all the composure she tried to retain for over two years. She only dared to grieve in private, but suddenly, she couldn’t hold it in. Right there, in middle of their vet’s reception room, Rebecca lost it. All of her self-control. She cried deep, gasping, choking sobs. For herself. For her children. For Rob. For the life she could not live. And for the life she now had to live. For Doug. For their dog. She cried almost as hard for the dog as she did for herself.
Doug wrapped his arms around her and held her, touching her for the first time since his return. He talked into her ear and his hand rubbed her back. He was kind, trying very hard to be connected. Most of all, he was there.
The girls surrounded both of them, crying softly, and holding onto their parents.
Rebecca drew back and glanced around the room. The receptionist was staring at them with tears in her eyes. And there were tears from the older couple, sitting with their poodle, as well as the young, single mother with a cat. No one knew their family was falling apart resulting in more than grief for just their dying dog; it was years in the making. And for some reason, it happened there. Probably once again, thanks to the dog that Rebecca so adored. Minnie managed to bring them together in a way no amount of talking could. Nothing else could have brought them together in a more appropriate way.
Finally, Rebecca swiped at the tears in her eyes, and bent down to pick up Karlee. Doug took Kathy and Rebecca held Kayla’s hand. They silently led their children into the exam room to say goodbye to their dog for one last time. All the while, Rebecca wondered how many more gut-wrenching goodbyes she could handle.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The rain streamed down in thick torrents, and fat drops of water fell onto her head. The rain soaked her hair in minutes, but Rebecca d
idn’t notice and didn’t care. Her shirt was sticking to her as soaked through as if she’d taken a shower with it on. She didn’t notice that either.
She stood rooted and immobilized in the yard, staring at the for sale sign in the grass with a Sold sticker across it. She stared at it for minutes before slowly wading across the soft, squishy grass and knocking on the front door. Maybe he was already long gone. Gone without a word since she hadn’t tried to stop him. Or contact him. What did she expect? What did she deserve?
But the door opened and there he stood. Rob. He looked the same. He was dry and wearing jeans and a t-shirt with his hair brushed off his face. It was too long, as usual, with too much stubble on his chin, and his tattoos looked all bad-ass and inappropriate as they always did.
“Rebecca?” he asked after a second of taking in her soaking appearance and her red eyes. “What happened?”
What hasn’t happened? she almost screamed. What didn’t happen to her in the last two years? She already had tears in her eyes as she shook her head. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I’m leaving,” he finally said, his tone sounding heavy as he leaned into the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Minnie’s dead. She just died at the vet’s office.”
“Oh God, Rebecca, I’m so sorry,” he said straightening in the doorway. “How’re the girls?”
The girls. The girls that he loved too. The girls that should have stood like a wedge between them, but instead, were shared by them. Sharing as she once did with Doug, and as she did with him today.
“Crying. Upset. Like they’re not used to that… Doug was there. I don’t know what I’d have done if I’d been all alone. I couldn’t lift Minnie up. She was convulsing on the deck. He had to carry her. What if it happened while he was gone? He never worried about such things when he left, or what kind of burden on me, with all the responsibility. But he was there, and it was good he was there. Good for the girls,” she said, finally adding, “and good for me.”
Zenith Fulfilled (Zenith Trilogy, #3) Page 29