“You won’t tell him, will you? That I need medication and mental health professionals?”
Erica smiled. “Doctor-patient confidentiality. But even if he knew, he’d only want you to feel better. No matter how you did it. I do know that about Rob. He cares about you. Still. Probably always will.”
“Must be kind of weird talking to me about your best friend’s ex.”
“I helped Joelle get over Rob a long time ago. This time, it’s different because he was so different. But that’s not all that’s going on with you.”
Rebecca took the prescription that Erica filled out and handed to her. She also took the referral for a counselor, and seriously thought maybe she’d call her.
“Erica?”
“Yes?”
“Will you tell him I said hello? No, that sounds insipid. Just, oh, never mind.”
Erica stared at her and nodded. “Take care of yourself right now. Don’t worry so much about Rob or Doug. Just take it easy on yourself.”
She got up and collected her coat and purse. “Thank you, Erica. You were well worth the drive.”
She laughed. “Will you call me if you have any questions? Problems? Or if you need anything?”
Rebecca nodded, relieved for the support and someone telling her what to do to feel better. What made her gladder still was knowing Rob was okay and still sober. Now she had to figure out how to make herself okay.
****
She started the anti-depressant and within a month, began to feel its effect. Her moods didn’t sink quite so low, and her energy perked up a bit. Her thoughts became clearer. She still wasn’t normal, however, and finally called the counselor Erica recommended. She went there. And went. And went. She talked about things she never knew how much she needed to discuss. Doug. Her girls. Being abandoned. Doug’s return. Her anger at giving up what she really wanted. The guilt for wanting things beyond her kids and family. She was filled with a rage that surprised her the more she talked about it.
She received word that her book was going to be published, but didn’t tell anyone for three days. When she did, they didn’t know what to say, because it was about her ex-lover. She didn’t have anything to say either.
Then one day, she took Karlee to school and walked her into the class. When she got back into her SUV to go home, she started the vehicle and sat there for a few moments until the radio came on. She started to back out, when unexpectedly and quite miraculously, it seemed, there he was.
Rob Williams’ voice was coming out of the stereo in her car, on the radio. She screamed and pulled forward before stopping in the parking lot. She turned up the volume as loud as it would go, her hands squeezed the steering wheel with disbelief that she was listening to Rob’s voice over public radio. Tears came into her eyes as she heard the song. Rob had a song on the radio! She closed her eyes. He could have been right there, singing to her. Her heart lifted in joy and excitement. Rob did it! She opened her eyes and laughed at the sheer joy of his success. Something she hadn’t felt like doing in a year. She realized then that anything was possible in life.
Glancing out her window, she noticed the car parked next to her, and the woman talking on the cell phone, staring at Rebecca as if Rebecca just jumped out naked and started dancing on top of her car. Rebecca smiled, laughed, and waved. Her heart finally felt something that went far beyond the normal routine of loving her kids.
The song was beautiful and slow, with a harmony. She listened to the words and realized it must have been a song he wrote for Joelle long ago. The words matched them as a couple. Did it hurt or bother her? Rebecca realized no, it didn’t. All she cared about was that Rob put Zenith on the radio, and who cared about how he got there?
When the song ended, the announcer came on and said the last song was by Zenith. Rebecca thought her heart would burst with pride. God! He did it. They finally did it.
Rebecca dialed Erica’s number, only to discover Erica was down in California. Of course, things were happening, and her husband’s song had just been played on Rebecca’s car radio, so naturally, Erica was there.
And she, Rebecca, wasn’t.
But Rebecca had to share it with someone. She left the school and headed towards Seattle, to her brother’s office building. She rushed up inside, towards Joelle’s office. She stopped when her brother ran into her.
“Rebecca, what are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see Joelle.”
“What’s going on?” Nick asked, looking at her intently.
“I just heard Zenith on the radio!”
Nick nodded. He already knew. Of course, he knew. What didn’t her brother know? He was good friends with Erica and Spencer. “I know. We see Spencer whenever he’s in town. And of course…”
“Joelle talks to Erica.”
“Yeah. Are you okay?” Nick took her arm and led her into his office.
She sat down in one of the chairs across from Nick’s desk. His office was nicer than most houses. “What’s going on? You haven’t been yourself.”
Rebecca didn’t feel like a long, drawn-out explanation. Instead, she replied quickly, “I’m on medication and seeing a counselor because Erica thinks I’m depressed.”
Nick paused. “I had no idea things were so bad for you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve been through the worst stuff in the world. Joelle’s been through much worse than me. I don’t know why I got so bad. I don’t even understand it myself.”
“God, Rebecca, you’ve been through a lot. It’s not a contest. I should have seen it. Turns out, there are a lot of things I should have noticed.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It means I think you and I should talk.”
“About?”
“You. Do you still love Rob?”
“Doesn’t matter anymore, does it?”
“It matters,” Nick said quietly. “And convincing yourself it doesn’t might be what’s hurting so bad.”
“I’m working on it all. Really, I am. I’ll be okay.”
“Maybe. But what if you’re not? Did you know that Rob came to me the night he broke up with you?”
Rebecca paused, looking stunned. After all this time, his revelation surprised her. “Why?”
Nick smiled. “To tell me I’d better keep an eye on you and make sure you stayed okay. That I shouldn’t wait for you to ask for my help. I think Rob saw what might happen to you, this depression, and asked me to watch you more closely. Help you more. Turns out, he knew you better than I did. The thing is, he intended to tell you that he was offered a promotion at work that night. He wanted it because he thought it would enable him to support you and your kids. He was coming to be with you, Rebecca. And the only reason he isn’t now is because he found out Doug was coming back, and he thought the girls needed Doug more than him.”
Nick paused. “Much as it pained me then, I knew Rob loved you. He loved you selflessly and in ways he could never manage to love Joelle. It was me who failed to see it. He was long over Joelle, and did change as much as you knew. He left for Los Angeles, and started Zenith again only because he thought it was best for you and your girls. Before he knew Doug was even coming back, Spencer asked him to start Zenith again, and he pretty much told Spencer to screw off. He wasn’t interested in going back to that. His only interest was you.”
Rebecca’s mouth dropped open, and her fingers gripped the armrests on her chair. “How do you know all this?”
“I didn’t. Not all of it. I pieced a lot of it together over the last few months. From stuff Rob said to me. And Joelle. And some stuff Spencer finally told me.”
“Why are you telling me now? I thought you couldn’t stand Rob being with me? You liked me going back with my husband, where I belonged.”
“I thought it was the right thing. Everyone did. Even Rob. I admired Rob for letting you go. But I thought he should have. And now? I look at you and all I can see is that we were wrong. Everyone. Mom
. Me. Our sisters. The only person who thought otherwise, was, ironically, Joelle. She told Rob not to leave you, and to fight for you. And the only reason he didn’t was because he wanted you to be happy. But Rebecca, you’re not happy. You’re not even close. You don’t even mention the book you spent so long writing. The only thing that’s sparked life back into you in almost a year is Rob’s success.”
Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t know how to find another addict to write about.”
Nick shook his head. “Bullshit. You were balls out on this. You went up to strangers and asked them for their stories. You hunted down Rob for this. Where is that girl? Come on, Rebecca, you’re not okay.”
“So what? There is no one to write about. I have nothing more to say.”
“I do. I know who you should write about next.”
“Who?”
“Our mother. And our sister.”
Rebecca finally stilled. Nick piqued her interest. “What?”
“That’s right. You heard me. There’re some things you should know. Starting with our mother’s trip to rehab for a Vicodine addiction way back when you were just a kid and Dad died.”
“I’m thirty-three years old! How come I’ve never known anything about this?”
“Because I always protected you. Don’t worry, I won’t make that mistake again.”
“And sister?”
“Turns out, Rob knew that too. He told me before he left that Trina was on something. He thought it was probably prescription pills. Turns out, he was right again. Once I looked into it, I discovered that Trina was sure enough on Oxycontin.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
“He felt you had too much to deal with already. Look, Rebecca, what finally caught my attention is that you look just like Joelle did when she was married to Rob.”
Rebecca glanced up, somewhat startled, at her brother. What did he mean by that? “I’m not with Rob anymore, you can drop the hostility toward him.”
“It’s not about Rob. Joelle was unhappy in her marriage to him, but she didn’t know how to get out.”
Rebecca paused, then shook her head. “Joelle and my situation are nothing alike. Doug is kind and attentive to me. I’m not being abused.”
“Agreed. But you’re staying there for your kids. Although it’s a noble act, it’s only hurting you. You are as emotionally helpless in your marriage as Joelle was, and that’s what I can see. You’re wasting away in your unhappiness, just like she was.”
Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the armrest. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you don’t love Doug. You tried to make it work. But it’s not working. Look in the mirror and you’ll see it.”
Rebecca stared at her brother in shock. Nick never so much as told her what shoes to wear. And never said what he thought of her life or her choices. Now he was advising her to get out of her marriage?
“I can’t. What if he leaves the girls again? I can’t risk that. What it would do to them is far worse than me being a little glum. I can live with it. But they can’t go through losing their father again.”
“The two are mutually exclusive. You don’t have to stay with Doug for him to still be a father to those girls. I don’t think he’ll leave them again. And you’re more than a little glum, Rebecca, you’re clinically depressed. I sat by while Trina got hooked on painkillers even when she treated my wife like shit. I sat by while your life fell apart. I’m not doing it this time. Rob was right about Trina. And about you.”
“So Doug leaves the girls for two years, and I’m the one who ends our family? The one who leaves their father? Don’t you see why I can’t do that?”
“No. All I see is you have to do that. They’ll be okay. You’re too good a mother for them not to be. But you don’t get to sacrifice your health and future happiness for your kids. You can have both. And it’s time you faced that. It will be hard, but not impossible.”
Rebecca dropped her head. “I tried. I mean, I really tried. I tried to forget it all. Forget he left. Forget Rob. I can’t forget any of it though. It becomes worse as time goes on.”
“I see that now.”
“But Rob? I’m too late. He’s got a career now; he can’t just go back to that night and take a promotion as a carpenter. He can’t come back to my small town and help me raise my kids. He’s gone. And he can’t return to this. And I can’t live his existence. So what’s the point of destroying my family? Why put the girls through this? Don’t you think I’ve wanted to leave? To run to Rob and be with the man I want?”
“I think being alone is better than feeling helpless and angry in the relationship you’re in. I think being the woman you were before Doug came back, is far better than who you are under his thumb and feeling miserable. Come on, Rebecca, Rob told me you were most fearless woman he’s ever known. I didn’t have a clue that you were. I felt like a jackass that Rob, of all people, knew that about my own sister before I did. He was right though. You’re just scared to be her when Doug’s around.”
“Why do you sound like you almost like Rob?”
“You changed my mind about him. Something even Joelle couldn’t do, no matter how much she tried.”
Her shoulders dropped. It sounded so good until she thought about actually implementing it. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Go home, Rebecca, and just be Rebecca. Be the woman who decided she was going to publish books and did so within a year. Be the woman who convinced a bad-ass to fall for her and her little girls. Just be you.”
She lifted her eyes to her brother in surprise. With hope. Nick’s faith and belief in her, encouraging her to be everything she usually wasn’t, boosted her ego like she hadn’t felt in a long time. “I’ll think about it.”
“No, just do it.”
She grinned finally. “Balls out?”
“All the way, little sis, it’s the only way to live.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“You’re done, aren’t you?”
Doug took one look at her as she entered the living room and seemed to know. He closed his eyes.
“If I am, are you leaving our children again?”
He winced and physically seemed to take her words as an assault. “No. I won’t leave them again. Ever. You have my word on that.”
“I can’t go back. I can’t be your wife again. I can’t even be your friend. I hated you for so long then, and now, I can’t feel anything but cold, and I’m so tired. I thought time would ease it or take care of it, but it hasn’t.”
“Is it Rob?”
“Is it Rob? How can you ask me that? After everything we went through, our entire marriage, you bailed on us, and now you think the problem is Rob? You think that this is all my fault somehow?”
“Not your fault. Just that he’s still here with us even if you can’t admit it.”
“What do you want from me? What more do you want? I forgave you! I let you come back home. I gave you back your kids. What more do you want from me?” she whispered.
Doug sighed as he sat down, his elbows resting on his knees, and ran his hands through his hair in agitation.
“I just thought things were getting better.”
“Nothing’s gotten better.”
“Except now, Rob’s everywhere.”
“He’s not here though, and he’s not going to be.”
Doug sighed heavily. “And neither am I.”
Rebecca stared at the man who took so much of her life: her thoughts, care and anguish. Sadness and regret filled her, but not because of what she was doing now, but because she lost all the good things she used to feel for him. She sat down next to Doug on the couch they picked out together six years ago. They didn’t touch or talk. Doug’s head dropped. The silence was thick and sad and tragic.
“How do we tell the girls?” Doug finally asked.
“The same way I told them when you left them; we sit them down and tell them the truth.”
Doug’s eyes were filled with tears
. “You want me move out?”
“It’s my house. I’m sorry, but it is.”
He nodded. “I know. I know it is. And why it is, and why this is, but it doesn’t help.”
****
The next few weeks became hard, as again, Rebecca’s house was in transition. They had to tell the girls. It was just as hard as Rebecca feared. And just as tragic to them as it was when Doug left the first time. It was the primary reason Rebecca needed medication and counseling. She almost caved and couldn’t do it to them again. She almost stopped it all. The anticipation of their tears, cries, and lack of understanding why their parents couldn’t live together practically tore out her guts.
She saw their fear that the family was falling apart again. It was more like utter terror at the prospect of their father leaving them again and going farther away than just down the road. Kayla looked at her as if she knew this was all coming from Rebecca, and Rebecca was to blame if Doug left again.
But Rebecca did it.
She kept her house and Doug rented another house ten minutes away, and moved the few things he had into it. He was still around a lot for the girls, if only to convince them this wasn’t like the last time.
All the while, Rebecca watched Rob’s career and fame explode. From the first time she heard him on the radio, she could now track him on TV shows, the internet, Facebook and Twitter. He was everywhere she looked to find him. It became a secret of obsession of hers. She recorded any appearances he made; and the first time she saw him on the Today show, she rose out of her chair, and just stood there, staring in wonder and awe at her TV.
There he was. The man she knew. The man she loved. He was just talking to the host and he looked good. Someone had obviously styled him and picked fashionable clothes. He smiled, and it was as devastating to her on TV as she remembered in person. He seemed to be looking at her when he spoke and she had to almost remind herself he wasn’t. He was talking to no one and everyone. But he was not talking to her.
Zenith Fulfilled (Zenith Trilogy, #3) Page 31